Broken

This is a story about an affair, a marriage, divorce. It is about sex, love and ultimate heartbreak. A couple posts will be added every week.

  • Broken – I Almost Forgot
    I always thought Hailey manipulations were just for me post discard/escape. It’s hard not to think of it being just about you as I was the focus of them for so long. But last night I remembered something. I am still useful to her. And that sucks. How am I useful?
  • Broken – Scrooged
    I made this joke the other day my life is like A Christmas Carol. I am basically confronted daily with my past, present, and future. I feel like Ebonezer Scrooge not knowing which one I am about to wake up to.
  • Broken – Escape
    It’s the hardest thing to do with a Narcissist. They feel entitled to you forever. But certainly harder when they live so close. The parking games aside I have pretty much moved on but I have these intuitions and feelings that are hard to suppress. I am an analyst. I notice patterns and things. It’s like shutting off like the main engine and running on limited power.
  • Broken – Intent
    The term actions speak louder than words has always been something that has stuck with me. But I still feel like ‘Intent’ speaks louder than both. People fail with words all the time.
  • Broken – Sex Club
    Figured I just would out it right off the bat. That’s right Darcey and I went to a sex club. I am going off the rails this summer. But truth be told it was a nice experience even if I was a little nervous and not really ready for it.
  • Broken – Fitting In
    Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I just had a busy week. I went out pretty much every night this week. Had some interesting experiences. Went to a vanilla party at a restaurant with a group from Fetlife.
  • Broken – Sleepy
    o my battle with sleep has taken an unexpected turn. I went from struggling to get to sleep to struggling to stay awake. What gives? I did change my sleep aid but that shouldn’t impact me so much throughout the day.
  • Broken – Intimacy
    Darcey and I had a funny conversation the other day. Centered around oral sex and the fact that I keep telling her she should be an intimacy coach. She understands all the nuances of intimacy… feel, touch, eye contact, sharing, sounds… pretty much everything
  • Broken – Fending off The Relapse
    I have had the tendency to want to out the truth again. I want to bring the happy couple to their knees. Not because I want to hurt anyone but because I want justice. It’s been the hardest notion to fight.
  • Broken – Something Irked Me Yesterday
    I was just doing some work and noticed something in my news feed. I am sure I need to have a chat with the algorithm because it shows me quite a bit of women who make splashes with sexy social media posts.
  • Broken – Back to Reality and Day Whatever
    I am pretty close to never venturing out and looking for Hailey. It is hard to not to notice when she is close. Which happened to be right in front of my building again yesterday. But it was about 6 days in between seeing her which was great!!
  • Broken – Whore Tour
    Doing something different here blogging live. Darcy and I are out having some fun. It’s only 7 on a Thursday and we are drinking or drunk at a swanky lounge. We are … Continue reading “Broken – Whore Tour”
  • Broken – 21 Days – Days 13 and 14
    It wasn’t unlucky. Nothing really happened yesterday or the day after. I got in a great workout. That’s it. So I wanted to take this day to talk about the rules of a narcissist. And their main one speaking from their voice here… “You must adhere to rules I can do whatever I want” Or “Do as I say not as I do.”
  • Broken – 21 Days – Days 10, 11, and 12
    What a weekend! It was fun. I went out with Darcey twice. One we just went to live music for the first time in a long time. It was an older crowd but we had fun. We drew some attention for sure.
  • Broken – 21 Days Day 9
    Ok so I saw her yesterday… again… a bunch. I am not resetting I am looking forward. I have broken my habit of looking for her. But one thing is for sure she is playing the game again. I am just not playing with her.
  • Broken – 21 Days Day 8
    I kind of saw her but that whole stay enough away to not make eye contact or directly see her face worked. I went for my run it looked like she was at the restaurant. But I used peripheral vision. Then the same when I went out later.
  • Broken – 21 Days – 6 and 7
    Something happened that required my attention the other day. So I haven’t blogged. I haven’t seen Hailey since Friday and it feels great. That was for a few seconds. It has been well over a week since I had to reset. But even then it has been largely Hailey free for 14 days. It’s nice.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Days 3, 4, and 5
    Well day 3 I saw her but i am not resetting the clock again. As the habit is forming of not looking for her. I just was pulling out of my parking lot and had no choice. It was so brief.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 2 second attempt
    Day 1 was pretty good. I have to admit maybe there was something to restarting. Had another event for a child schools almost done. It is good to see it getting closer to normal.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 6 but back to 1
    That’s right I am starting over. Why because I saw her multiple times yesterday. My body reacts to it there is nothing I can do about that. It only lasts a few seconds and then goes away but it’s there.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 5
    Day 5 was fine. Although I walked out the front of my building to let the dog out. And maybe have bumped into him. Thank god I can’t tell as he had a mask on and looks like every other millennial with scraggly beard and a hat on.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 4
    It’s funny, I thought this might be harder than it’s been. I can see why I wanted this separation to begin with. It’s peaceful and healthy so far. I can’t say that I wish I had done it a long time ago. I think I needed to be ready.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 3
    o as I head into Day 4 I am relieved. The weekends are usually the hardest. But I had plenty to do and had a restful and productive weekend. Had an event for the first time in 14 months.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 2
    Day 2 and all is well. Not much to report but last night I was able to go sit at a bar and have some dinner. Now that most everything is open where I live I can escape my neighborhood.
  • Broken – 21 Days – Day 1
    That is how long it takes to break addiction. I am no longer addicted to Hailey. But I may have a problem with the drama. This is hard for any normal person to understand. I hate drama. But yet here I am steering into it at times.
  • Broken – The Doc Pt. 2
    The Doc had tons of fantasies. But there was one she was absolutely keen (have to use a Brit expression as I can still hear her voice) on making happen. She said she wanted to be out walking/running trail and have someone come along and fuck her.
  • Broken – What do I do with Myself?
    think I mentioned this before but I feel like I am in this weird in between state of life. Half out of a marriage, half into my single life, half post Hailey. That’s three halves Matt… I know but it feels like that somedays.
  • Broken – I Have No Game
    So when I know a woman is into me it’s game on. I can take the lead, I can be assertive, agressive, etc. Before then I am as shy as can be in terms of making moves. I try it’s awkward.
  • Broken – Manipulation Translation
    In the wake of a really good weekend for me. I just went through some old drafts that I had just typed up. I had been doing translations of the manipulations for “fun”.
  • Broken – My Foot
    Damn my right foot is a mess. Yes that is my foot. She/he is a pain in the ass. It is constantly in some sort of less than 100% state. I run alot… maybe too much.
  • Broken – To Tell or Not to Tell That is the Question
    I had an interesting morning/afternoon yesterday to say the least. My ex asked me for a favor. To pick her up after dropping her car off to get fixed. I had to get her take her home and my kids to school. The garage is located even closer to Hailey’s new guy building than I am. Oh boy.
  • Broken – Silver Linings
    In the wake of hurricane Hailey and trying to put a bow on this entire thing from my life’s perspective, I have come to start to see the silver linings.
  • Broken – When In Doubt
    The problem with coming forward with Narcissistic Abuse stories is belief from those who have not experienced it. It is a hard thing to put into words. It is often dismissed because the manipulations are subtle or done in private.
  • Broken – Recap
    So that revelation was interesting and it raises questions, so many. To understand it you really have to understand narcissism. Every action she took since the disengagement/discard was Narcissist 101. Predictable.
  • Broken – The Smear and Just Holy SHIT!
    So Hailey panicked and stewed for days while I had an amazing weekend. This is delicious. I have never delighted in anyone’s anguish until now. Not even James. But Hailey sweating me out… she earned it.
  • Broken – Triangulation
    This is one of the most insidious things Hailey did but was always persistent with it. She got a taste of this sometime later in her marriage and essentially lived for it even now.
  • Broken – ‘Normal’?
    This weekend was the first sort of normal weekend in a long time. Darcey and I went “bar hopping”. Now that they have lifted most of the restrictions and yours truly has been vaccinated. We got out.
  • Broken – Revenge
    I didn’t take this route purposefully. But it also happens to be the same path, in the beginning, as trying to escape a narcissist. And I was and am trying to escape. It is supposed to be no contact.
  • Broken – I Offered
    This is not a repeat post. But it makes sense to reference this again. I decided the next time I saw Hailey’s new guy I would offer him his own version of the “red pill”.
  • Broken – It Never Ends
    They never let you out – HG Tudor says why and how. They pick you up and put you down when they want. Although it is a narrow perspective on their (Narcissists) part. Because we aren’t always engaging.
  • Broken – What Should have Been The Conversation
    I typed this up just a couple weeks after the discard/breakup/whatever you want to call it in November. I wanted to remind myself of what I felt like at the time. As I never got to use my voice.
  • Broken – Seduction
    Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue So I was going to write about my weekend and a strange run in with Hailey (yes … Continue reading “Broken – Seduction”
  • Broken – That’s Me
    So I did it I posted a “thirsty” picture. I can’t believe it. I know its pretty obscure but you can get the idea. After toying for 3 minutes in the gym with one I couldn’t get it right to where there wasn’t something identifying.
  • Broken – Two Maybe Three
    It’s hard going through divorce or a break up. Let alone both. I find myself constantly caught between two or three worlds. I know what you were thinking with that title.
  • Broken – Not Sure
    Now that I have said my piece my curiosity is winding down. It’s still there but only from proximity. I have had such a tough time lately, life is totally kicking me in the pills, none of it regarding Hailey except the run in. But this story was largely about her and me.
  • Broken – Disengagement/Discard
    This is maybe the hardest thing to deal with. The abuse stacks up but you don’t necessarily feel it all until this moment. It comes crashing down on your head unlike anything I can explain.
  • Broken – Silent Treatment
    Call it ghosting, call it the silent treatment. This is a favorite weapon of the narcissist. It is to get things back under control, punish you, but also it is used to audition new supply replacements.
  • Broken – Confrontation Aftermath
    In the immediate aftermath that night. I went and got drunk. I had one drink before Hailey at the restaurant, but no longer felt like eating. I got it to go and brought it back home. Then I walked to the nearest bar ordered some fries and had 2 drinks. For me that’s alot.
  • Broken – It Happened!
    Well the confrontation we all knew was coming came. I went out to dinner last night at my spot. And Hailey and her friend the one previously mentioned in my blog were sitting having dinner as well.
  • Broken – Devaluation
    This where most of the abuse lies. The shift is subtle mostly and you don’t even notice it has happened. It occurs just as you start to settle into the relationship. When the fuel is starting to run dry or you challenge their control of it.
  • Broken – Love Bombing
    When a Narcissist tries to use flattery, mirroring, compliments, adoration, and romance to lure and hook their person into their web. This is often determined as Love Bombing or Golden Period. Basically this is where they hook you.
  • Broken – Now What
    So it’s been a while. I had a truly tough week. It goes beyond Hailey and isn’t really much to write about just life being difficult in many ways that lead to bigger problems if not addressed.
  • F#cking Dating – The Doc
    Oh the Dr… this may have been the strangest ‘get’ in my entire life. I had met this woman on a site. And was stunned to find her interested in me. We started talking and we were pairing like old souls.
  • Broken – Percolating
    I went out for an Ice Coffee early this week right after my workout and grocery shopping. What I love about where I live is I can walk to these things. However I never know what or specifically who I might run into. So I take a drive by that end just to make sure the coast is clear.
  • Broken – Present Day
    Believe it or not we arrived near present day this spring this weekend. All the stuff I will mention has happened just this past month. Hailey was in full love bombing the guy but I don’t think she anticipated the run-in at the restaurant. She had kind of disappeared for about a week.
  • Broken – Trauma and the Downgrade
    I managed to sit down about 13 feet away. I was facing them on the L shape part of the bar while they were at the other end. I knew Hailey had spotted me as she practically wrenched her neck so we wouldn’t lock eyes.
  • Broken – Down Stream Impact
    The picture with the necklace isn’t just like the other Hoovers. It’s a direct overture. An escalated response to the other dating app sightings and me not responding. It’s her being more aggressive
  • Broken – What did I do?
    Shortly after the driving up Hailey’s ass incident and her immediately coming back for a show of strength I may have set off unintentionally the longest stretch of non-verbal communication ever. Suddenly she was everywhere. I would pass her once a day at least.
  • Broken – The Hoover
    I have decided to skip forward a bit because this is a term I will use in my posts going forward when telling the actual story. The Hoover name came from the same name as the Vacuum cleaner company. Basically it’s the tool of the Narcissist or manipulator to suck you back in.
  • Broken – Happy 100th
    Today I am writing my 100th post. I am not big on these things arbitrary celebrations but also have nothing against them. I just typically don’t recognize them myself. But being in this community has meant alot. The support, the readers, the ideas, and the therapeutic aspect of sharing.
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 4
    The finale. I am sure some readers are thinking “finally, can we get back to the cat and mouse game already”. But there is a reason the Cat and Mouse game continues. That bond that exists between me and Hailey. What is it? I have seen her, mostly driving, more times than I can count. Even yesterday afternoon and this morning. Twice in less than 24 hours. Is that the universe pushing us together?
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 3
    Now that we defined or shared Hailey’s Narcissistic traits and tendencies which mostly manifest in severe selfishness and abusive manipulation. We need to look at why someone like me would continue to fall for this. And what makes me one of her favorite targets if not the favorite target.
  • Broken – Change is Coming
    Darcey and I had a bet on when Hailey would make her come back. She thought it would be January. I told her last week of February. That is when we met. I feel like that is when she would come back.
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 2
    So establishing my view of my experience with a Narcissist is important. I found this through just researching Hailey’s behaviors and sort of working backwards. But she didn’t seem like a narcissist. She never seemed self aggrandizing or self important.
  • Broken – Holidays
    The Up and Down of the Holiday season was so strange. I had to deal with the Parking Games from Hailey. It was kind of torture. How do I get this woman out of my system with constant reminders of her existence.
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 1
    I know I flipped my blog on it’s ear yesterday by adding a dimension of psychology to it. I even diagnosed Hailey, I fully admit my lack of qualification to do so from a Medical perspective. But recognize my ability to do it from a victim’s perspective.
  • Broken – Finding Answers
    Between the conversations with Darcey and just listening to answers I started to narrow down what was wrong. It has been suggested by readers that Hailey might be a Narcissist or/and even possibly a Borderline.
  • Broken – Not Going Away
    In the days that followed the social media fiasco and me trying to confront Hailey, I noticed her car popping up a couple times a week. There were overnights. This hurt more than I could tell you.
  • Broken – What Went Wrong
    In the process of telling Darcey everything. I had to reconcile what had happened. We had such little conversation around really any reason we wouldn’t be together. I had to try and make sense of it.
  • Broken – Awful
    In the immediate aftermath of that day I didn’t sleep and couldn’t eat. I wondered what the hell happened. Trying to go over it all to make sense of it. Did she just want to pursue other things? Did she really want to put the past behind her?
  • Broken – Broken
    November came and I needed some friend face time. Jennifer and I decided to meet for brunch one Sunday morning. She was talking to me about Gregg and how he was starting to act funny. Interestingly enough he behaved alot of the same ways Hailey did. So my insight was good for her.
  • Broken – Catches Up
    In the weeks after my last communication with Hailey I had more of a fuck you attitude. I didn’t feel like anything was really resolved. So it would just be the silent treatment until she decided to break it. Or so I thought.
  • Broken – I Just Don’t Get It
    I knew the silence from Hailey was coming. It was a pattern she has established when we have conflict. Especially in regards to what she is giving in the relationship. And when I hold her accountable to her words.
  • Broken – Something’s Up
    Even though I was not devastated about Ashley saying goodbye, it hurt enough. I wasn’t having a good weekend and suddenly my focus was almost entirely on Hailey. Except something was changing.
  • Broken – Blind Sided
    In the aftermath of my time with Hailey I made plans with Ashley. I remembered telling something to Hailey. That I dated a little and was beginning to understand my value to people.
  • Broken – Fall Back
    It was getting close to fall and Hailey and I were going to finally have some time together again. James was scheduled for something we all dread. I made a joke to her if she could tip the doc to be rough. She laughed.
  • Broken – Glimpses
    While it might seem like I was chasing something that wasn’t to be. Hailey was doing plenty to keep my interest. Not with drama but with our chemistry and our sweet side. She would reach out to me daily.
  • Broken – Strange Days
    It was August and Hailey was on her second trip with James. This time they were driving. She informed me about how upset James was as they embarked on their road trip. She wore a Nirvana t-shirt for the drive. But not just any Nirvana t-shirt… MY Nirvana t-shirt. James picked up on it and was convinced it was mine.
  • Broken – Away
    Hailey was going away for a week with James and the kids. Then after a few days back they will go again. Our conversation was a little strained from the fallout of her cancelling and the subsequent conversation. I think she was more bothered by it than I was.
  • Broken – Drama Comes Quick
    Hailey and I had probably seen each other 6 or 7 times in just a few weeks. Then she made plans with me for a night after she had dinner with a friend. She would have dinner and come by for about an hour.
  • Broken – Catch 22
    Nothing like life giving you one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t things. It would have been great if I met Ashley in the spring. It would have even been better if Hailey never left me.
  • Broken – Like It Was
    Suddenly Hailey was trying to see me as much as she could. She would stop by every other day. After we kissed she asked if we could do what she really wanted to. I said that is something we need to talk about. Obviously she was referring to sex.
  • Broken – Tennis Anyone?
    It was a strange place to be. I was dating this really great girl, except the doesn’t like to kiss part, and I had the love of my life almost begging me back. That same night the one she came back I went out with Ashley.
  • Broken – Bombshell… I Want To Explain
    It was middle of summer and was driving from my old house from a project back to my apartment but stopped at the store. As I came around the other side of my neighborhood while sitting at the light.
  • Broken – Born to Run
    All those things were important but the running was all encompassing. I had runs to clear my head, fill my head, and just reflect. But as bad as this may sound nothing was more important than my Revenge runs.
  • Broken – Back Out There
    It had been a few weeks of no dating in early June as things were opening up. Patio dining specifically. We had no active cases in our city. It felt like it was time to try a little bit and get back out there in terms of dating.
  • Purple Rain – My F#cking Playlist
    Ok this might be the most polarizing song in my playlist. Just because not everyone likes the song. Why is it sexy? Maybe it’s just Prince or the movie or the chorus of basically moaning.
  • Broken – You Aren’t Going to Believe This
    So it had been a few weeks of sitting on this secret. I would spend about once a week with Jennifer and sometimes Jennifer and her son. It was nice to be around a little one again. Mine were teenagers so it was kind of fun.
  • Broken – This World is Too Small
    As the spring turned into early summer I was kicking around talking to a few people and Jennifer. We had slept with each other a few times but it never progressed into true romance.
  • Broken – Thoughts
    These are the thoughts I have had so many times about Hailey. I was always just this close to having it all. She was my future, the woman I wanted to spend a great deal of time with. I never wanted to get too far ahead with it. I just wanted to see if the magic worked in the real world.
  • Broken – Giving It a Try
    In the wake of my mini explosion over Hailey’s boundary crossing, something she apparently loves to do or never recognizes, I kind of took a break. I just tried to focus on myself. Things got better really locally and Outdoor dining started to open up.
  • Broken – Incredulous
    It was early May about 6 weeks, but felt like 2 years, into some form of lockdown. Initially pretty restricted but things were getting better as well. Not great. I can barely describe what being single and living alone feels like during this time.
  • Broken – Sub Girl
    I was still talking with Jennifer but hadn’t had a chance to meet with each other yet. While waiting for that there was someone else who I had been chatting with for a bit. We had good chemistry and she opened up to me about something.
  • Broken – Jennifer
    We had spoken at first to see about dating after meeting on one of the dating apps. She is a single mom and lives in the same city, she was cute, smart, and super warm. We talked a great deal about music, vibrations and wavelengths.
  • F#cking Dating – Peruvian Goddess
    So I had this all over the place experience with my online dating. I still had this black out area of women my own age. It was so strange. Then came the young ones. Being in my mid-40s I had a little trepidation about how young is too young?
  • Broken – Level Set
    I am going to break the cycle a bit for this post and speak directly to you and narrate where we are. I wanted to fill in some gaps and share some thoughts on my post yesterday and just overall. I think my writing style didn’t serve me well yesterday. I think I sometimes need to add more color to a few things to paint a better picture.
  • Broken – What’s Next
    In early Covid time it was a different dating scene more phone calls, texts and facetiming. Everyone wanted to be sure of something (I don’t know really what) before they met someone. Oh yes if the person was worth it. Which is also a determination necessary in person.
  • Tennessee Whiskey – My F#cking Playlist
    Ok I am not a country fan but Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton is a sexy, sexy song. When I think of it I picture a slow dance and a slow undressing. Guys and gals do this and after whatever the sex no matter what should be great.
  • Broken – I Want To Throw Up
    It was real and what I thought it was. Hailey was considering going back with James. It was strange my heart didn’t hurt as much as I wanted to throw up. I told her that he will want to make you pay, he will want to be intimate with you. It literally disgusted me.
  • F#cking Dating – I Can’t Believe I Did That
    Pandemic dating can be a little interesting. People’s sensibilities are all over the place. My thought is this. I wear my mask. I don’t see anyone except my daughter, ex, my parents, and a few friends. So having a date with someone who is of similar mindset is a very low risk.

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