Broken

This is a story about an affair, a marriage, divorce. It is about sex, love and ultimate heartbreak. A couple posts will be added every week.

  • Broken – Not Sure
    Now that I have said my piece my curiosity is winding down. It’s still there but only from proximity. I have had such a tough time lately, life is totally kicking me in the pills, none of it regarding Hailey except the run in. But this story was largely about her and me.
  • Broken – Disengagement/Discard
    This is maybe the hardest thing to deal with. The abuse stacks up but you don’t necessarily feel it all until this moment. It comes crashing down on your head unlike anything I can explain.
  • Broken – Silent Treatment
    Call it ghosting, call it the silent treatment. This is a favorite weapon of the narcissist. It is to get things back under control, punish you, but also it is used to audition new supply replacements.
  • Broken – Confrontation Aftermath
    In the immediate aftermath that night. I went and got drunk. I had one drink before Hailey at the restaurant, but no longer felt like eating. I got it to go and brought it back home. Then I walked to the nearest bar ordered some fries and had 2 drinks. For me that’s alot.
  • Broken – It Happened!
    Well the confrontation we all knew was coming came. I went out to dinner last night at my spot. And Hailey and her friend the one previously mentioned in my blog were sitting having dinner as well.
  • Broken – Devaluation
    This where most of the abuse lies. The shift is subtle mostly and you don’t even notice it has happened. It occurs just as you start to settle into the relationship. When the fuel is starting to run dry or you challenge their control of it.
  • Broken – Love Bombing
    When a Narcissist tries to use flattery, mirroring, compliments, adoration, and romance to lure and hook their person into their web. This is often determined as Love Bombing or Golden Period. Basically this is where they hook you.
  • Broken – Now What
    So it’s been a while. I had a truly tough week. It goes beyond Hailey and isn’t really much to write about just life being difficult in many ways that lead to bigger problems if not addressed.
  • F#cking Dating – The Doc
    Oh the Dr… this may have been the strangest ‘get’ in my entire life. I had met this woman on a site. And was stunned to find her interested in me. We started talking and we were pairing like old souls.
  • Broken – Percolating
    I went out for an Ice Coffee early this week right after my workout and grocery shopping. What I love about where I live is I can walk to these things. However I never know what or specifically who I might run into. So I take a drive by that end just to make sure the coast is clear.
  • Broken – Present Day
    Believe it or not we arrived near present day this spring this weekend. All the stuff I will mention has happened just this past month. Hailey was in full love bombing the guy but I don’t think she anticipated the run-in at the restaurant. She had kind of disappeared for about a week.
  • Broken – Trauma and the Downgrade
    I managed to sit down about 13 feet away. I was facing them on the L shape part of the bar while they were at the other end. I knew Hailey had spotted me as she practically wrenched her neck so we wouldn’t lock eyes.
  • Broken – Down Stream Impact
    The picture with the necklace isn’t just like the other Hoovers. It’s a direct overture. An escalated response to the other dating app sightings and me not responding. It’s her being more aggressive
  • Broken – What did I do?
    Shortly after the driving up Hailey’s ass incident and her immediately coming back for a show of strength I may have set off unintentionally the longest stretch of non-verbal communication ever. Suddenly she was everywhere. I would pass her once a day at least.
  • Broken – The Hoover
    I have decided to skip forward a bit because this is a term I will use in my posts going forward when telling the actual story. The Hoover name came from the same name as the Vacuum cleaner company. Basically it’s the tool of the Narcissist or manipulator to suck you back in.
  • Broken – Happy 100th
    Today I am writing my 100th post. I am not big on these things arbitrary celebrations but also have nothing against them. I just typically don’t recognize them myself. But being in this community has meant alot. The support, the readers, the ideas, and the therapeutic aspect of sharing.
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 4
    The finale. I am sure some readers are thinking “finally, can we get back to the cat and mouse game already”. But there is a reason the Cat and Mouse game continues. That bond that exists between me and Hailey. What is it? I have seen her, mostly driving, more times than I can count. Even yesterday afternoon and this morning. Twice in less than 24 hours. Is that the universe pushing us together?
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 3
    Now that we defined or shared Hailey’s Narcissistic traits and tendencies which mostly manifest in severe selfishness and abusive manipulation. We need to look at why someone like me would continue to fall for this. And what makes me one of her favorite targets if not the favorite target.
  • Broken – Change is Coming
    Darcey and I had a bet on when Hailey would make her come back. She thought it would be January. I told her last week of February. That is when we met. I feel like that is when she would come back.
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 2
    So establishing my view of my experience with a Narcissist is important. I found this through just researching Hailey’s behaviors and sort of working backwards. But she didn’t seem like a narcissist. She never seemed self aggrandizing or self important.
  • Broken – Holidays
    The Up and Down of the Holiday season was so strange. I had to deal with the Parking Games from Hailey. It was kind of torture. How do I get this woman out of my system with constant reminders of her existence.
  • Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 1
    I know I flipped my blog on it’s ear yesterday by adding a dimension of psychology to it. I even diagnosed Hailey, I fully admit my lack of qualification to do so from a Medical perspective. But recognize my ability to do it from a victim’s perspective.
  • Broken – Finding Answers
    Between the conversations with Darcey and just listening to answers I started to narrow down what was wrong. It has been suggested by readers that Hailey might be a Narcissist or/and even possibly a Borderline.
  • Broken – Not Going Away
    In the days that followed the social media fiasco and me trying to confront Hailey, I noticed her car popping up a couple times a week. There were overnights. This hurt more than I could tell you.
  • Broken – What Went Wrong
    In the process of telling Darcey everything. I had to reconcile what had happened. We had such little conversation around really any reason we wouldn’t be together. I had to try and make sense of it.
  • Broken – Awful
    In the immediate aftermath of that day I didn’t sleep and couldn’t eat. I wondered what the hell happened. Trying to go over it all to make sense of it. Did she just want to pursue other things? Did she really want to put the past behind her?
  • Broken – Broken
    November came and I needed some friend face time. Jennifer and I decided to meet for brunch one Sunday morning. She was talking to me about Gregg and how he was starting to act funny. Interestingly enough he behaved alot of the same ways Hailey did. So my insight was good for her.
  • Broken – Catches Up
    In the weeks after my last communication with Hailey I had more of a fuck you attitude. I didn’t feel like anything was really resolved. So it would just be the silent treatment until she decided to break it. Or so I thought.
  • Broken – I Just Don’t Get It
    I knew the silence from Hailey was coming. It was a pattern she has established when we have conflict. Especially in regards to what she is giving in the relationship. And when I hold her accountable to her words.
  • Broken – Something’s Up
    Even though I was not devastated about Ashley saying goodbye, it hurt enough. I wasn’t having a good weekend and suddenly my focus was almost entirely on Hailey. Except something was changing.
  • Broken – Blind Sided
    In the aftermath of my time with Hailey I made plans with Ashley. I remembered telling something to Hailey. That I dated a little and was beginning to understand my value to people.
  • Broken – Fall Back
    It was getting close to fall and Hailey and I were going to finally have some time together again. James was scheduled for something we all dread. I made a joke to her if she could tip the doc to be rough. She laughed.
  • Broken – Glimpses
    While it might seem like I was chasing something that wasn’t to be. Hailey was doing plenty to keep my interest. Not with drama but with our chemistry and our sweet side. She would reach out to me daily.
  • Broken – Strange Days
    It was August and Hailey was on her second trip with James. This time they were driving. She informed me about how upset James was as they embarked on their road trip. She wore a Nirvana t-shirt for the drive. But not just any Nirvana t-shirt… MY Nirvana t-shirt. James picked up on it and was convinced it was mine.
  • Broken – Away
    Hailey was going away for a week with James and the kids. Then after a few days back they will go again. Our conversation was a little strained from the fallout of her cancelling and the subsequent conversation. I think she was more bothered by it than I was.
  • Broken – Drama Comes Quick
    Hailey and I had probably seen each other 6 or 7 times in just a few weeks. Then she made plans with me for a night after she had dinner with a friend. She would have dinner and come by for about an hour.
  • Broken – Catch 22
    Nothing like life giving you one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t things. It would have been great if I met Ashley in the spring. It would have even been better if Hailey never left me.
  • Broken – Like It Was
    Suddenly Hailey was trying to see me as much as she could. She would stop by every other day. After we kissed she asked if we could do what she really wanted to. I said that is something we need to talk about. Obviously she was referring to sex.
  • Broken – Tennis Anyone?
    It was a strange place to be. I was dating this really great girl, except the doesn’t like to kiss part, and I had the love of my life almost begging me back. That same night the one she came back I went out with Ashley.
  • Broken – Bombshell… I Want To Explain
    It was middle of summer and was driving from my old house from a project back to my apartment but stopped at the store. As I came around the other side of my neighborhood while sitting at the light.
  • Broken – Born to Run
    All those things were important but the running was all encompassing. I had runs to clear my head, fill my head, and just reflect. But as bad as this may sound nothing was more important than my Revenge runs.
  • Broken – Back Out There
    It had been a few weeks of no dating in early June as things were opening up. Patio dining specifically. We had no active cases in our city. It felt like it was time to try a little bit and get back out there in terms of dating.
  • Purple Rain – My F#cking Playlist
    Ok this might be the most polarizing song in my playlist. Just because not everyone likes the song. Why is it sexy? Maybe it’s just Prince or the movie or the chorus of basically moaning.
  • Broken – You Aren’t Going to Believe This
    So it had been a few weeks of sitting on this secret. I would spend about once a week with Jennifer and sometimes Jennifer and her son. It was nice to be around a little one again. Mine were teenagers so it was kind of fun.
  • Broken – This World is Too Small
    As the spring turned into early summer I was kicking around talking to a few people and Jennifer. We had slept with each other a few times but it never progressed into true romance.
  • Broken – Thoughts
    These are the thoughts I have had so many times about Hailey. I was always just this close to having it all. She was my future, the woman I wanted to spend a great deal of time with. I never wanted to get too far ahead with it. I just wanted to see if the magic worked in the real world.
  • Broken – Giving It a Try
    In the wake of my mini explosion over Hailey’s boundary crossing, something she apparently loves to do or never recognizes, I kind of took a break. I just tried to focus on myself. Things got better really locally and Outdoor dining started to open up.
  • Broken – Incredulous
    It was early May about 6 weeks, but felt like 2 years, into some form of lockdown. Initially pretty restricted but things were getting better as well. Not great. I can barely describe what being single and living alone feels like during this time.
  • Broken – Sub Girl
    I was still talking with Jennifer but hadn’t had a chance to meet with each other yet. While waiting for that there was someone else who I had been chatting with for a bit. We had good chemistry and she opened up to me about something.
  • Broken – Jennifer
    We had spoken at first to see about dating after meeting on one of the dating apps. She is a single mom and lives in the same city, she was cute, smart, and super warm. We talked a great deal about music, vibrations and wavelengths.
  • F#cking Dating – Peruvian Goddess
    So I had this all over the place experience with my online dating. I still had this black out area of women my own age. It was so strange. Then came the young ones. Being in my mid-40s I had a little trepidation about how young is too young?
  • Broken – Level Set
    I am going to break the cycle a bit for this post and speak directly to you and narrate where we are. I wanted to fill in some gaps and share some thoughts on my post yesterday and just overall. I think my writing style didn’t serve me well yesterday. I think I sometimes need to add more color to a few things to paint a better picture.
  • Broken – What’s Next
    In early Covid time it was a different dating scene more phone calls, texts and facetiming. Everyone wanted to be sure of something (I don’t know really what) before they met someone. Oh yes if the person was worth it. Which is also a determination necessary in person.
  • Tennessee Whiskey – My F#cking Playlist
    Ok I am not a country fan but Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton is a sexy, sexy song. When I think of it I picture a slow dance and a slow undressing. Guys and gals do this and after whatever the sex no matter what should be great.
  • Broken – I Want To Throw Up
    It was real and what I thought it was. Hailey was considering going back with James. It was strange my heart didn’t hurt as much as I wanted to throw up. I told her that he will want to make you pay, he will want to be intimate with you. It literally disgusted me.
  • F#cking Dating – I Can’t Believe I Did That
    Pandemic dating can be a little interesting. People’s sensibilities are all over the place. My thought is this. I wear my mask. I don’t see anyone except my daughter, ex, my parents, and a few friends. So having a date with someone who is of similar mindset is a very low risk.
  • Broken – I Am Not In A Good Place
    In the weeks that followed Valentine’s day we settled back into just being a couple. We had both wound down our “seeing other people”. She would come over for lunch, we would spend a few nights a week together. We were busy with school related activities. It was nice and normal.
  • Gorilla – My f#cking playlist
    I have been inspired to include music somehow in my writing. It is such an important part of my life and I am a big believer in creating ambience. Music and Lights are part of that process. Not that they are necessary to achieve a level of intimacy. But it adds something..
  • Broken – We Are In Different Places
    The next day after Valentine’s she had plans with a friend. the lone person I met in her life. I decided to go out with a singles group I had joined. It was my really only source of Adult interaction besides her I had at the moment. My friends were busy with their families.
  • New Category – F#cking Dating
    Coming Soon… I am creating a new section in the blog “F#cking Dating”. It is about my dating foibles and sexual stories. I may cross reference between my story “Broken” and here. But I will not mention timelines those will exist in the story. These are just one-off fun reads.
  • Broken – Valentine’s Day
    It was Valentine’s Day and Hailey and I were supposed to have dinner and come back to my place for drinks. We had already spent a day or two together since our conversation. I made reservations so last minute I had to call a place and beg them.
  • Broken – The Conversation
    Hailey arrived at my building. I had to go down stairs to let her in as it is a secure building. I let her in the door and you could see the fear in her eyes. And she could probably see the frustration in mine.
  • Broken – What!?
    It had been almost 3 weeks of dating. I had met probably 8 women and some multiple times. It was an exhausting pace. I think I even had multiple dates in the same day more than once. It was just nuts.
  • Broken – This is Interesting
    Dating apps are funny. I probably didn’t start out with a great profile. It’s hard when you have been married and then into another relationship. I didn’t have the pictures some of the other people had, those sense of adventures.. I just had to put up what I could find.
  • Broken – Dating
    Here we go… I launched my Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge game for the first time as a single person. I was putting myself out there. It was scary. I had to put Hailey out of my mind.
  • Broken – Fed Up
    In the weeks that followed I was having trouble getting Hailey’s time. She would tell me that we would see each other this day and that day. And then have to cancel or cut it short.
  • Broken – It’s a New Year
    As the New Year rolled around and passed I recalled something that happened earlier in my relationship with Hailey. Actually one prior NYE. Life was falling apart for her, we were both at home and she was having a tough time.
  • Broken – Settling Back In
    In the following days after Christmas we started to settle back into wanting to be with each other. Hailey would tell me she was still having a rough time with everything. Never really clarifying what it was but I just was settling into the idea of seeing her but also other people.
  • Broken – The Dance
    As you can see there wasn’t in much of clarification that was forthcoming for me. I would spend the next several days just continuing to talk. We had some back and forth moments that were sweet and some were confusing.
  • Broken – Where do I go from here?
    In the aftermath of Hailey’s revelation I didn’t know what to do. She still said she wanted to see me and made plans with me. But I was trying to figure it all out.
  • Broken – Are you Fucking Kidding Me?
    It was time and Hailey came over one night to talk. I was in a AirBnb. It was cute and she remarked about it. I made a quip and said did you think I would pick a dump. A little tension breaker. We talked about us to start.
  • Broken – I Have Nothing Left
    Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue In the immediate aftermath of just getting crushed twice in less than a month. And my what … Continue reading “Broken – I Have Nothing Left”
  • Broken – WTAF?! Pt. 2
    It had been just under 3 weeks, 18 days since the worst day of my entire life. But I was about to catch a break. I had to travel for work and thought “hey this might be an opportunity to spend some quality time and travel with Hailey”.
  • Broken – WTAF!? Pt. 1
    For the first week Hailey was super sweet to me. Every morning. “Good Morning Handsome.” Every night… “Tell me about your night.” She knew I was going through hell.
  • Broken – The Aftermath
    The aftermath was hell. Literal hell. Telling my kids was brutal. I told them it was my choice. If they would be angry it was going to be with me. Why, because I could take it, I am not sure my wife could. On top of what was already happening between us, upset kids was the least I could take off her plate.
  • Broken – It’s Time
    It was building I could feel it. It was building for a year and that night I went to bed and I had a panic attack which felt like a heart attack as my wife sought reassurance again. The entire night it never went away I actually contemplated going to the ER.
  • Broken – Her Birthday
    Hailey’s birthday is in the fall and for reasons beyond my understanding she had made a big deal about it. Not that I am against making it a big deal. But considering where we were in life it seemed arbitrary on the actual date vs. making sure we had an opportunity in the not to distant future to celebrate it.
  • Broken – Here We Go Again
    Hailey was settling in and we were doing pretty well. We had managed to figure out how we could see each other I would go over in the mornings. We would have coffee and fuck. It worked for her she was busy with the kids and her work. Only the nights got rough, those weekend nights where she didn’t have the kids.
  • Broken – Her First Night
    It was the end of summer and Hailey had just moved into her new place. It was her first night there. She decided she wanted to be alone. So she arranged for the kids to be at James’s. We were talking through out the day but she was busy.
  • Broken – The Perfect Night
    My family was out of town for the weekend and Hailey and I decided to get together this was the weekend she referred to in the now infamous email. This time I really wanted to show her a good time. We had that sort of regular hangout night that first overnight.
  • Broken – Did she just…?
    Hailey came to visit at the office one more time before our planned weekend together. We just went to the cafeteria and got a salad. It was sweet, regular, void of the usual drama that came with out interactions lately good or bad. We were back to just being together and it was nice.
  • Broken – Reclamation
    Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue It was just about a week since the email. Finally we agreed to discuss it in person … Continue reading “Broken – Reclamation”
  • Broken – Love Sick
    Hailey were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different.
  • Broken – My Journey
    I know I write mostly about Hailey and I, even Hailey and James. Mostly because that was such a big part of the story. I know for some there seems to be this critical piece that was missing. Home life.
  • Broken – I Can’t Believe This
    It was a few days after I spent that first night with her and she was different. I couldn’t tell what… just in those few days, but she gave me quite a few “you better hurry” jokes. But I brushed them off as her being charming. We liked to needle each other in a fun way. It was part of our rapport.
  • Broken – Hailey’s Single
    It was June and the house was sold. The process of moving had begun and James had already found a townhouse in the city right next door. Hailey found a place that wouldn’t be ready til August.
  • Broken – Spring Forward
    In the aftermath of our overnight we were still ducking James. He would go in and out of caring and not. I would meet Hailey typically before therapy. A quick conversation and make out session. It was getting deeper. Hailey was starting to work on healing and her future.
  • Broken – Our First Overnight
    It was April a few months after our first year plus long relationship that we had a chance to have an overnight. My family was away and I was home. I set up the downstairs in a nice way to accommodate us for the night.
  • Broken – What if?
    The internal fallout from Hailey accelerating her separation left me disoriented initially. We talked about being together a lot but never about logistics. It was all just fantasy at that point, never when or how it would look like.
  • Broken – You’re What?
    At this point after their family vacation Hailey was telling me how she had enough of James. I describe these things as transgressions because it’s their story is not mine to tell. But based on what she told me I could understand her losing her patience.
  • Broken – Strange Times
    At this point Hailey had told James she wanted out. He was pleading with her to stay. I had no idea where this left things with them. They were as transparent as mud… they would vacillate back and forth all the time. But I knew the trajectory was going in a certain direction.
  • Broken – One Year In
    It seems impossible but it was about 1 year into my relationship with Hailey, and almost 6 months since James found out. How were we doing this? How are we still able to see each other and be with each other and block out the flaming world around us.
  • Broken – What Now?
    Now that Hailey told James she wanted out, in my world that would be almost immediate, but not with them. He would hold on and try to convince her not to go. I never understood this. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you.
  • Broken – Things Move Fast
    Hailey seems like really good person but calling her impulsive would be an understatement. At this point I didn’t know but would later think that she is clinically self absorbed or worse. James is a narcissist and this created possibly the most volatile combination in a marriage I have ever seen.
  • Broken – Again
    Hailey was back and we were in back in a state of her needing to give her marriage a chance talk. That break we didn’t give a shot. However she wanted to see me one last time. She arranged her yearly trip to a hotel for time away and some Christmas shopping. Of course we had a plan for me to meet her there.
  • Broken – That Didn’t Last Long
    We last about 8 days with a message or two in there but minimal. Then it broke back into talking again. We would keep it quieter than last time or she would try. We couldn’t help it we just wanted to be together. We were keeping each other going in life.
  • Broken – Surreal
    After the fallout of getting caught, again, Hailey was in constant turmoil with James. He worked from home and she didn’t work that much. So they would argue all through out the day while their kids were at school. It was probably torturous for her. I imagine for him as well.
  • Broken – What Are We Doing?
    Looking back I don’t know how we made it through the end of that summer and a good portion of the fall. We would continue to meet and he would continue to catch us. We hadn’t done it in a while but I snuck her in the house one day.
  • Broken – Reality Hits
    We are back from vacation. We are just in that lazing around the house mode from travel. I am not relaxed and getting anxious again. I sit in my chair looking out the window. And within hours of coming back. I see it!!
  • Broken – Vacation
    I managed to escape our city and for vacation without the world coming crashing down on my head. It was a bit of relief but the underlying anxiety existed. I spoke to Hailey daily and often.

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