This blog is a story about a journey at the end of a loyal and loveless marriage and an unexpected new found love that turned into a long affair that cost me a marriage, love and finally my heart. It’s going to be raw and honest and I won’t always be the hero of my own story. But…
After 18 years of marriage I was having enough. I knew it was only a matter of time before it was over but I stayed for our kids. It was important to me that they get to a place where they were fairly independent. I will avoid going too much into my marriage it was like most… roommates, business partners, enter your cliche here. But the problems were so much more than that and it killed the intimacy forever. I never felt unjustified with wanting love because it was absent. My only regret or shame is deceit. There is a definitive lie that is being told and it never felt good and at the same time I knew I deserved so much more from a committed relationship. I never once thought of leaving or having an affair until I had no hope left, I tried for more than a decade and alas I just knew it was never going to be better.
As anyone who has had no intimacy, affection, and seldom even sex for years you tire on porn and other methods to keep you whole. You start to get curious. What does dating look like? What does a healthy intimate and sexual dynamic look like? Am I even attractive to other people? So many questions from so many different angles. If you are a sexual person or a person that wants affection, intimacy and sex it can start to consume your thoughts with all the unanswered questions.
And so it begins… you pick up the dating app.