Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
At this point Hailey had told James she wanted out. He was pleading with her to stay. I had no idea where this left things with them. They were as transparent as mud… they would vacillate back and forth all the time. But I knew the trajectory was going in a certain direction.
They had one more vacation scheduled and started talking November in terms of separating. Which is really strange. Once you decide isn’t that supposed to be it. It’s complicated I guess with finances and kids. But they were so volatile what would be left by November.
Our dynamic stayed similar although we were still dodging James. They head to vacation and she complains about what is going on while they are there. How awful and over the top he can be. She frequently mentions that she doesn’t know how long it will last. I probably should have paid more attention to this. But I offer my support and love to try to get her through.
I had to start thinking about my own trajectory. I really needed to make an effort and focus on my own world. What was I going to do? How was I going to make my transition for myself and my family? I was so consumed with Hailey and James and fending off total disaster. How do I approach my situation. I wanted to try and end things with as much grace as I could. So I started a process of taking care of the house, finances, and having conversations about my marriage.
I had to be careful because we wouldn’t do the scarface like ending Hailey and James do. It will be sad, hard but probably somewhat dignified. I wanted to make sure transition for my family was as smooth and gradual as one could make this. While also maintaining my relationship with Hailey.
I did want to be with Hailey but knew I had to do it the right way. At some point I would need to ask for a little space to deal with it. But right now I need to put my head down and work to make it a possibility. The way I would frame it always was I was going to make myself available for the possibility of Hailey and I. But I was prepared for the fact that we may not work out so I had to be resolute in my decision that is was best for my life. It was the second time in 20 plus years I had thought about my own needs. The first time manifested in Hailey, would the second time have the same manifestation?
Broken 
Sounds like you were somehow swooped up into their codependency. You must’ve really loved her if you still had space in your heart for her or the room for possibility with her after all the ups and downs so far…
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Great comment! I was totally swept up in the codependency and in some ways we all had a codependency to each other. As an empath I am very susceptible being codependent on someone needing me. In my marriage therapy I discovered that my wife was a dependent (to me taking care of her) and I was a codependent (on that need to be needed). And it opened my eyes to how vulnerable I am in regards to providing for people at the expense of myself. Over time this is an unhealthy codependency. I mean goes with out saying that my codependency with James and Hailey was unhealthy. lol. But at home as well. I think I have heard the term Interdependence be described as healthy codependency.
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I recall reading in your blog that you’re an INFJ. Did you take an actual myers briggs personality test to know that? (I’m an ENFJ.) Anyway, it sounds like at this point in your story, you were reaching somewhat a turning point or awakening in how you were dealing with this codependency in your relationship and your marriage. Were you in therapy at this time? Btw, no need to answer that part of the question (Or any of my questions, for that matter lol.) I also realize that part of the story might be coming and you might not want to share yet. 🙂
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I am an INFJ and did take the myers briggs test many times. Nice to hear you are a fellow NFJ. You are exactly right I am heading towards many awakenings and I plan to dig into the psychology quite a bit more as the story unfolds. At this point in the story I hadn’t gone through any marriage therapy. But I think revealing that it gets there is ancillary to the many twists this story will take.
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This gives me more insights than I can explain. Thank you for expanding on this here.
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