Broken – My Journey

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I know I write mostly about Hailey and I, even Hailey and James. Mostly because that was such a big part of the story. I know for some there seems to be this critical piece that was missing. Home life.

After all this time I am still fiercely protective. I feel like myself, Hailey and James have done enough, terrible and not, to deserve judgement but not my wife. While not innocent in our marital demise. She certainly didn’t deserve this anymore than I deserved her initial abandonment of a romantic relationship with her husband.

The truth on why I could do this without being detected was mostly that any romantic part was dead, we were on auto pilot. I didn’t have to withdraw from anything. Family was easy to compartmentalize in this space because that is all there was. And I was enthusiastic about the kids and even coparenting we made such a good team. So I never had to alter really anything.

But it definitely ate away at me, all I could think about was how can I live this lie at home. Also, even selfishly, do I have to sacrifice myself as a romantic and sexual being for it. And that was only one aspect of how our marriage was broken. The truth is I had this realization before Hailey even came into the picture.

I had fallen on hard times and had an opportunity that would not only benefit me but the entire family. All that was needed was a small sacrifice in our week to week routine. And it was met with a HARD No. Immediate impasse. I realized I had no choices for myself. Nothing was left for me. It was a difficult realization to make. Probably at the worst time considering my mid-life crisis years were upcoming. But this moment there was the change in me. The straw that broke the Camels back. Within weeks I made the decision that led to Hailey. Probably not the best way to deal with what happened. It seems like a leap to go to seeking intimacy and attention from having a terrible realization about no control. But it made sense to me. Does someone else value me more than just a provider am I an attractive human being that could be loved someday for just being me. Man did that get away from me.

Unwinding almost 20 years of marriage would take time and it would even take a little more than I thought. My plan was always to see through the summer Hailey became single and then it would be time. But it was about a year before that my wife detected a shift and confronted me on it. It really wasn’t about Hailey it was too new. It was about that moment I mentioned before- a lost opportunity and how upset and hurt I was I couldn’t take it. I explained how it affected me and all the other troubles in our marriage. And we fought like we never have. It was almost then that we split but I wasn’t ready yet. And repaired a little of the damage done. I know I said I made two selfish choices in the last 20 years and maybe a third was not to break up, but I just don’t know. It would would have been so sudden. And I hadn’t thought through it very much at that point. But also I couldn’t bare to break my wife’s heart.

I anticipated a second discussion. One that had her saying nothing has changed in a year. Because at some point she was looking for engagement. She was seeking and watching me to see if I would ‘try’ again in a romantic sense. And I expected that discussion to occur at the same time as it did one year prior. But something happened, a big life event, and that conversation wasn’t forthcoming. I knew this would delay things a bit and I would have to do the worst case scenario… Initiate this process. It would cause me to lose many nights of sleep and even have anxiety attacks. But in the end it had to be done.

See my wife and I were steady as she goes people. We don’t vacillate like Hailey and James do. A decision is made and likely an outcome is shortly to follow. We were doers not talkers. So I know when I told her I was no longer happy and wanted out it would move fast to our new reality. It would not be messy relatively to most people.

I always knew when it was time I would know. Even through all this I had belief in myself to make the right decision at the right time and try to make it as relatively easy for everyone. I was going to take a leap of faith and it would be soon it was just a matter of how soon.

I hope this helps fill the gaps on my mindset regarding family. I tried to share what I can about this. And it’s all my perspective. I loved them and at the end of the day I had a choice to just be honest and do what I should have done in the first place before getting involved with someone else. And didn’t and I own that. It’s not the decision I would make again and there are certainly aspects where I have some guilt and shame with it, but I would never go as far to say I regret it.

It’s heartbreaking on so many levels and not just for me. It put me on a path, one that I need to be on and sometimes these paths are initially treacherous but sometimes they are the ones that need to be taken to get to where we need to be…