Broken – Love Sick

Hailey were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different.


Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey and I were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different. I knew a change was coming but I just didn’t know what.

One moment she would even say “I love you”. The next was “things are different”. I just had no idea what was going through her mind and she could not articulate it. This would go on for the better part of a month.

I was absolutely torn up. I was in love just a minute ago. WTF! I would always be honest with her about my feelings. Even if it seemed desperate. But I didn’t overwhelm her with them either. I wanted to listen to see if we could work through this. So I treaded carefully.

I would have to be emotionally supportive. She is going through a separation and she was homeless. Although part of me wanted to say “you chose this”. You forced this. But it felt insensitive. Finally after my trip from hell and her long bout with vaca the first just her and the kids and her second one with James and the kids we would finally be in the same space at the same time.

She offered to meet to talk. I told her I was love sick. But she came with an agenda. I was married and she was single. She would do whatever she wanted and that was that. I could chose to still see her but had to accept it. My first inclination was to say no. We were in love. Can’t you just wait a little? I mustered a let’s think about it. We texted later that night. And I can’t remember what I said but it pissed her off and she went silent on me I then knew it was her way or the highway.

After a few days of damage control we managed to tamp things down a bit and she sent me an email because she thought she needed to write it out in order to articulate.

So there is a lot here.  First, James has said many things to me in regards to me “convincing” him he should pick me or we should be together, and therefore fuck me for now choosing otherwise.  I have the weight of your marriage on me, I want to see you, I would like to see you.  Not seeing you can be annoying.  But if you hurry along in fear of my patience wearing out, and then I’m like, “nah, we’re not going to work” then fuck me for hurrying you along.

Then, there is this, I like you so much, you seem quite perfect for me except for the fact that you are opposite of what/who I am normally drawn to.  This makes me sigh with relief at times and other times I panic like, it’s because you are opposite of everyone who has broken my heart but does that work long term. If someone told me, i really like you but I need to see other people to make sure, I’d be like fuck off shit head. 

And I’m not sure that’s really why I want or think I need to but something in me is saying don’t commit to anything til you can take a breath.  I know you’re not asking for commitment and you are not even separated but still I think this is the time to accept an invitation if presented with one,  but don’t worry, it’s not happened for months.  Maybe this stems from a declined invitation, I kind of wish I’d accepted just because I haven’t had one for a long time.  How am I doing?  I love you, I like you, I enjoy you, even the bits of you that make me roll my eyes are endearing.  We have good chemistry.  I’m looking forward to next weekend.  xo

How is that for a mixed message?

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

17 thoughts on “Broken – Love Sick”

    1. Haha!! I think that was my actual first response as well. As an empath though my instinct is to carry the weight for everyone’s feelings. So as much as I wanted to get pissed I quickly to find my way to see her side of it or at least try to help her through it.

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  1. Writing this out now, in hindsight, tells me you kick yourself for not having seen it coming. The mixed messages and other things. But being in love, or in lust, is like a drug, the effects on the brain is the same, so it’s not surprising to me that this happened.

    We want things to stay the same when we’re feeling the euphoria, don’t we?

    I have more thoughts, I’ll let you know later. You are writing it out very eloquently, it’s quite amazing how you manage to get all the points across in such short snippets. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is like a drug. An addiction you can’t kick. And you are right it’s effect on the brain is the same. I always felt like I was on the borderline of lust and love with Hailey. I trusted her too much but never really fully trusted her. All those little red flags kept me from thinking it was going to be forever.

      Thank you as always for the writing compliments. Actually interestingly enough I have to write short digestable technical stories for work. So I think that has made it into my style. But I assure you I am very untrained.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The allure of the thrill of the chase makes some people into serial daters. This is an expression someone I know who is in the online dating circuit told me about. It’s true, isn’t it, for some people?

        I’m more like you. I get in deep and I see or hear nothing else. Some people are in deep until another option presents itself and all of a sudden, it makes them think “what if I can be desired by someone else?” or “what if I’m missing something”…

        It’s not right or wrong, but to me, the way I see it, it’s a misalignment in personalities. when one is like this, and the other isn’t.

        However. 🙂 In her defense, she’s right. She’s free, and what is she supposed to do, wait for you? Will you actually free yourself so you can be together? Has she ever heard you say you will? From what you’ve told us so far, you’ve held off making promises you could potentially not keep. You were systematic in your approach to how you were going to deal with your marriage. She was impulsive, now she’s impatient, but so was/is her husband. That’s why it exploded for them. Again, the misalignment comes to mind for me…do opposites attract? And more importantly, can they prevail?

        The short story method is fantastic. Keep going!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Cassandra I never promised when I never promised definitely. But did tell her I had every intention that year to make myself free. That was the term I used. I wanted to make myself free to live my life but also to explore one with her. I actually capitulated on the waiting part. But my god… a few months would have killed her. lol.

          Adding that the empath in me agreed with you at the time. Even if it were devastating.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I imagine that Hailey had a lot going on in her mind at this point… for starters, another failed marriage..and being single again, with her only prospect a married man who hasn’t even separated from his wife yet. From what I have learned about Hailey through your story, she is a beautiful woman and she sounds very much “me” oriented…so not having men knocking on her door is probably quite hard for her. You still living with your wife at this point probably feels very much like rejection to her, and was probably not how she thought this would go. I’m guessing this made her feel powerless as well, and in her world, what will make her feel powerful again is the attentions of a man…which is why she is telling you that she will date, should she get an invitation. And, being a beautiful woman… I am guessing she gets that invitation very soon.

    I am curious about something….at this point, were you still feeling that you actually loved her? Or had there been enough red flags yet to have you questioning what type of person she was….?
    I will share with you, my friend…I’ve been on WordPress awhile now (4+ years)…and this is the most riveted by someone’s journey that I have ever been. It’s not so much that your story is unique (I don’t mean that in a negative way), but how you tell your story…and how incredibly insightful you are. And to be honest, I have never heard this story from the point of view of the man, and again, this speaks to how incredibly self-reflective you are. I don’t know many men that can articulate their feelings in this way. I hope you will take this the right way, but from a writer’s perspective… well done, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Nora! Yes Hailey was beautiful and got noticed. I never had a concern though about that. I am not jealous or territorial. If you live in that space of needing to be validated by finding someone else then it’s not a good fit for me. It is funny I think at the time she wanted me to have fire over her potentially seeing someone else. And I get that, it can be flattering. But far more healthy is choosing someone every day. And that’s what i want. If she wants to test herself with others… have at it. But if she was going to make no mistake I will too. I have a sense of justice in me I find hard to control. All that being said I didn’t want her to.

      At this point I was in love with her. On reflection maybe love could have been lust or being enamored. But like the title says I was quite literally sick over my love for her.

      Thank you so much for the amazingly kind words. It’s strange I maybe in touch with my feminine side more than most. I have been surrounded by women my whole life. And as an empath and analyzer of people I think I can understand women better than most men. Not to say I get women 100%, I certainly don’t. lol!! I even parent like a mother. Growing up with a single mom it was all I knew.

      And by the way there is so much more to come.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree that it does seem that she wanted you to experience jealousy over her. It makes me wonder how often she played that card with James, about you. I am guessing this is how she feels good about herself…men wanting her.
        I wouldn’t frame it as you being in touch with your feminine side….more so that you are comfortable with yourself as a person. From some of the comments you have left on my blog, it does seem that you are in touch with your dominance as well. Our society socializes men to not connect to their feelings, but it seems that perhaps your upbringing (with a single mom) may have contributed to you having a deeper sense of yourself.
        I will be looking forward to what is to come (I hope that comes off okay as I know this must be painful for you to share). XOXO, nora

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Nora, I read a book called The State of Affair by Esther Perel who is a family therapist who wrote a book about infidelity experienced by both traditional and homosexual couples. She interviewed both men and women equally, in both cases (the one having the affair, the one finding out about the affair). It was the most insightful book and account into contemporary infidelity that had my eyes open very wide. I mentioned this to Matt as well, because the way he describes his journey is so heartbreaking. Society as a general rule is quick to judge the man for his part in having an affair on his wife. He does a good job describing just how deep the problems lie…

      Liked by 1 person

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