Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
Hailey and I were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different. I knew a change was coming but I just didn’t know what.
One moment she would even say “I love you”. The next was “things are different”. I just had no idea what was going through her mind and she could not articulate it. This would go on for the better part of a month.
I was absolutely torn up. I was in love just a minute ago. WTF! I would always be honest with her about my feelings. Even if it seemed desperate. But I didn’t overwhelm her with them either. I wanted to listen to see if we could work through this. So I treaded carefully.
I would have to be emotionally supportive. She is going through a separation and she was homeless. Although part of me wanted to say “you chose this”. You forced this. But it felt insensitive. Finally after my trip from hell and her long bout with vaca the first just her and the kids and her second one with James and the kids we would finally be in the same space at the same time.
She offered to meet to talk. I told her I was love sick. But she came with an agenda. I was married and she was single. She would do whatever she wanted and that was that. I could chose to still see her but had to accept it. My first inclination was to say no. We were in love. Can’t you just wait a little? I mustered a let’s think about it. We texted later that night. And I can’t remember what I said but it pissed her off and she went silent on me I then knew it was her way or the highway.
After a few days of damage control we managed to tamp things down a bit and she sent me an email because she thought she needed to write it out in order to articulate.
So there is a lot here. First, James has said many things to me in regards to me “convincing” him he should pick me or we should be together, and therefore fuck me for now choosing otherwise. I have the weight of your marriage on me, I want to see you, I would like to see you. Not seeing you can be annoying. But if you hurry along in fear of my patience wearing out, and then I’m like, “nah, we’re not going to work” then fuck me for hurrying you along.
Then, there is this, I like you so much, you seem quite perfect for me except for the fact that you are opposite of what/who I am normally drawn to. This makes me sigh with relief at times and other times I panic like, it’s because you are opposite of everyone who has broken my heart but does that work long term. If someone told me, i really like you but I need to see other people to make sure, I’d be like fuck off shit head.
And I’m not sure that’s really why I want or think I need to but something in me is saying don’t commit to anything til you can take a breath. I know you’re not asking for commitment and you are not even separated but still I think this is the time to accept an invitation if presented with one, but don’t worry, it’s not happened for months. Maybe this stems from a declined invitation, I kind of wish I’d accepted just because I haven’t had one for a long time. How am I doing? I love you, I like you, I enjoy you, even the bits of you that make me roll my eyes are endearing. We have good chemistry. I’m looking forward to next weekend. xo
How is that for a mixed message?