Broken – Here We Go Again

Hailey was settling in and we were doing pretty well. We had managed to figure out how we could see each other I would go over in the mornings. We would have coffee and fuck. It worked for her she was busy with the kids and her work. Only the nights got rough, those weekend nights where she didn’t have the kids.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey was settling in and we were doing pretty well. We had managed to figure out how we could see each other I would go over in the mornings. We would have coffee and fuck. It worked for her she was busy with the kids and her work. Only the nights got rough, those weekend nights where she didn’t have the kids. I just bit my tongue and gave her space. It was all I could do.

When I would go over we would still be on the lookout for James. She was jumpy and so was I to some extent. She didn’t like confrontation. He could still bring my world to a crashing halt just out of spite. But I was much more ready to be with her.

She started sensing my time might be near and the frustrations with her own patience and my situation. I started getting strange texts from her throughout September. So much up and down.

Daily I love you texts. About 3 or 4 “Actually I am in love.” texts. Then I would start seeing other things even in the same day as the good ones. Like on nights she was alone. “Want to come over?” Almost weekly. Fair enough a little tease still a reminder. But then “Your situation frustrates me.” A few times a week, just ugh. And the dagger to the heart with her responses to my how are you doing texts? “Oh good, swiping right.” At least a half a dozen times. Then this one – “I wish it were that weekend. I am afraid it was just a sweet memory that may never happen again.” Fuck already!!

All this put me in preservation mode with our relationship. I had to suppress any frustration, anger or hurt. I responded as best as I could trying not to make her angry or more frustrated. To the nights of going over “Soon.” I asked her, “how do you want me to respond?”, to the tinder jokes or references. To that final one I told her- “there are many more memories to come. That is my plan.”

I wasn’t necessarily a doormat. I would push back here and there but I wasn’t far from it. I just let her vent it. Without repercussions. I didn’t like this but I attributed it all to her patience at the time. Not really focusing on the totality of it. It was like being on a merry go round for a month and I was dizzy.

I felt I was so close at that moment I just needed to power through. I have a resilience about me an ability to grind that most people don’t have. I am very rarely rattled or visibly stressed and can shoulder quite a bit. I am a Capricorn a true earth sign, INFJ, and an empath. Needling won’t move me I already wanted this but make no mistake even though as it may not be noticeable. It hurts, I notice, and it affects me on some level.

On the other side at this point I was still in a delay mode. I couldn’t let the pressure get to me I had to focus on my plan to make things as easy as I could. I was still in a sensitive spot at home with that big life event that happened just a few months earlier. Things had to be squared away.

I could make other posts about this month but in all honesty this is what it was like. Back and forth every other day or almost in the same day. I am pretty sure it increased my gray hair by 50%. And I had endured over a year of an underlying anxiety that this could blow up on its own. James spilling the beans, Hailey just ending it suddenly… Would that resiliency get me across that line that crossed over from one world to another…?

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

9 thoughts on “Broken – Here We Go Again”

  1. Capricorn? Interesting. Thought you may be a Taurus for some reason…

    It does sound like a merry-go-round of emotions. Both nauseating and thrilling. I wouldn’t have had the self control to NOT react to her responses like, “Oh good, swiping right.” That’s some childish bullshit right there. And hurtful. Seems like you’re a bit of a simmering pot of water on the burner, Matt. When the right temperature hits, do you boil over? (Rhetorical question, really.) I sometimes can’t keep a lid on myself; always curious about people who can.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I wonder what made you think that? 🙂

      That’s exactly what it is a merry go round of emotions. So rhetorical or not it’s a good question and should come up a little on my boiling point. Let’s just say I take note. And at the end of the day you will get the factual justice warrior or my ire. Neither are pleasant to be on the other side of. And if you get both… well let’s just say I am not out of control but people get scared. Hard to say why. Maybe it’s the contrast between my normal demeanor.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Taurus men also tend to be practical and very level headed about things, like Capricorn men too, I suppose. I actually know a few in my real life.

        Sounds like you’re a bit of a quiet storm. Hailey sounds a bit of a tornado at times…

        Sometimes when I read your story, I’m happy for you both when you have your happy times…but when it’s not…I’m just, like, goddamnit that’s infuriating and complicated and my heart goes out to you.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks Cara! Believe me I am “happy” you are feeling that. I am trying to convey that up and down. Some of it is just the affair and some of it is just… I can’t even find the words.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I like the analogy Cara provided of a quiet storm and a tornado…that sounds suitable to you and Hailey. I am sure that being recently separated and on her way to her second divorce had her emotions spinning, plus…being involved with someone who wasn’t fully available to her. You mention that you were both on the look out for James…. what was he doing that was putting you both on alert?

    Liked by 2 people

        1. For a time it was very hard. There was a certain point I didn’t care. Other than the danger it poses. Do we want to do battle over this? I always thought that this was Hailey’s issue and not mine. While I don’t expect James to be a golfing buddy and he shouldn’t like me very much. I had little to do with their marriage. Just as little as Hailey had to do with mine. I was just the vessel of Hailey’s transgression. I was a symptom not the problem and if it weren’t me it would be someone else.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. While I absolutely agree with you, I am guessing that the spouse being cheated on would not have this point of view. And, it would largely depend on how Hailey had portrayed all of this to him….if she had ever suggested that it was because of you that she was leaving him….

            Liked by 1 person

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