Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
Hailey was settling in and we were doing pretty well. We had managed to figure out how we could see each other I would go over in the mornings. We would have coffee and fuck. It worked for her she was busy with the kids and her work. Only the nights got rough, those weekend nights where she didn’t have the kids. I just bit my tongue and gave her space. It was all I could do.
When I would go over we would still be on the lookout for James. She was jumpy and so was I to some extent. She didn’t like confrontation. He could still bring my world to a crashing halt just out of spite. But I was much more ready to be with her.
She started sensing my time might be near and the frustrations with her own patience and my situation. I started getting strange texts from her throughout September. So much up and down.
Daily I love you texts. About 3 or 4 “Actually I am in love.” texts. Then I would start seeing other things even in the same day as the good ones. Like on nights she was alone. “Want to come over?” Almost weekly. Fair enough a little tease still a reminder. But then “Your situation frustrates me.” A few times a week, just ugh. And the dagger to the heart with her responses to my how are you doing texts? “Oh good, swiping right.” At least a half a dozen times. Then this one – “I wish it were that weekend. I am afraid it was just a sweet memory that may never happen again.” Fuck already!!
All this put me in preservation mode with our relationship. I had to suppress any frustration, anger or hurt. I responded as best as I could trying not to make her angry or more frustrated. To the nights of going over “Soon.” I asked her, “how do you want me to respond?”, to the tinder jokes or references. To that final one I told her- “there are many more memories to come. That is my plan.”
I wasn’t necessarily a doormat. I would push back here and there but I wasn’t far from it. I just let her vent it. Without repercussions. I didn’t like this but I attributed it all to her patience at the time. Not really focusing on the totality of it. It was like being on a merry go round for a month and I was dizzy.
I felt I was so close at that moment I just needed to power through. I have a resilience about me an ability to grind that most people don’t have. I am very rarely rattled or visibly stressed and can shoulder quite a bit. I am a Capricorn a true earth sign, INFJ, and an empath. Needling won’t move me I already wanted this but make no mistake even though as it may not be noticeable. It hurts, I notice, and it affects me on some level.
On the other side at this point I was still in a delay mode. I couldn’t let the pressure get to me I had to focus on my plan to make things as easy as I could. I was still in a sensitive spot at home with that big life event that happened just a few months earlier. Things had to be squared away.
I could make other posts about this month but in all honesty this is what it was like. Back and forth every other day or almost in the same day. I am pretty sure it increased my gray hair by 50%. And I had endured over a year of an underlying anxiety that this could blow up on its own. James spilling the beans, Hailey just ending it suddenly… Would that resiliency get me across that line that crossed over from one world to another…?