Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
It was building I could feel it. It was building for a year and that night I went to bed and I had a panic attack which felt like a heart attack as my wife sought reassurance again. The entire night it never went away I actually contemplated going to the ER. But I knew what it was… I woke up that morning and just couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore.
I felt it coming and told Hailey about a week prior that I may be off the grid for a bit as I was about to have the most difficult conversation in my life. She gave me space and was supportive. Saying she was there when I needed her. It was nice to know that she would be there after this. But for now I needed less of her in my head. I needed to focus on this conversation and the fall out from it. It was going to be my priority for a little while.
I was working from home that day and my wife had off. As we sat down that morning. I knew it was time and I told her with all the strength I could muster… “I am unhappy beyond the normal. And I have been for a while. A change is going to happen immediately and we should separate, break up. I will be taking some space and we should start talking about a transition and what this means.” My heart nearly burst out of my chest as I said this. I had to choke back the tears so i could be coherent.
I saw the drop in her face and so many emotions. Sadness, fear, anger, and disappointment. I can’t believe I was doing this to her. I even have tears in my eyes as I write this. But I also knew things were never going to change. So I had to push through. I was compassionate and empathetic and told her how much I cared about her and wanted to be present and support her. But it was time to move on.
We talked, yelled and cried non-stop for 4 hours. She recognized the flaws in our marriage, she acknowledged how bad it was. But she thought I would always want to work on it. My response was awful but true. We have been at this almost 20 years that window was gone. I am not there anymore. My heart has broken and the scars are already there.
And this is where I felt guilty the most. I mourned the marriage while in it and she was so far behind me. I put on that brave face for years to keep the sadness away for everyone. My peacekeeper kept her from knowing how truly far gone I was. And that I was so far beyond a point of no return. I always knew though I did it for a reason I did it to buy time for her, for the kids, for me, for all of us. So we could be a happy family just a little while longer.
It was the worst day of my life, and there isn’t another one that’s even close. I know I was making the right decision. Regardless of Hailey. I always told myself and reconciled that I will make this decision for me. And while I had Hailey in mind I had to make it about the possibility of finding myself and love again. I had to say goodbye and hello at the same time. And I knew this was it there was no turning back.
I am not sure my wife will ever forgive me, I honestly don’t blame her if she ever does. I did love her and gave her my whole self longer than I have ever given anyone. For a time we were a pretty awesome team and I will always look fondly back at the good and try to let the bad subside. It’s hard, really hard. While the scars of my marriage have healed, the heartbreak of hurting someone I care about and loved are still very raw…