Broken – It’s Time

It was building I could feel it. It was building for a year and that night I went to bed and I had a panic attack which felt like a heart attack as my wife sought reassurance again. The entire night it never went away I actually contemplated going to the ER.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was building I could feel it. It was building for a year and that night I went to bed and I had a panic attack which felt like a heart attack as my wife sought reassurance again. The entire night it never went away I actually contemplated going to the ER. But I knew what it was… I woke up that morning and just couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore.

I felt it coming and told Hailey about a week prior that I may be off the grid for a bit as I was about to have the most difficult conversation in my life. She gave me space and was supportive. Saying she was there when I needed her. It was nice to know that she would be there after this. But for now I needed less of her in my head. I needed to focus on this conversation and the fall out from it. It was going to be my priority for a little while.

I was working from home that day and my wife had off. As we sat down that morning. I knew it was time and I told her with all the strength I could muster… “I am unhappy beyond the normal. And I have been for a while. A change is going to happen immediately and we should separate, break up. I will be taking some space and we should start talking about a transition and what this means.” My heart nearly burst out of my chest as I said this. I had to choke back the tears so i could be coherent.

I saw the drop in her face and so many emotions. Sadness, fear, anger, and disappointment. I can’t believe I was doing this to her. I even have tears in my eyes as I write this. But I also knew things were never going to change. So I had to push through. I was compassionate and empathetic and told her how much I cared about her and wanted to be present and support her. But it was time to move on.

We talked, yelled and cried non-stop for 4 hours. She recognized the flaws in our marriage, she acknowledged how bad it was. But she thought I would always want to work on it. My response was awful but true. We have been at this almost 20 years that window was gone. I am not there anymore. My heart has broken and the scars are already there.

And this is where I felt guilty the most. I mourned the marriage while in it and she was so far behind me. I put on that brave face for years to keep the sadness away for everyone. My peacekeeper kept her from knowing how truly far gone I was. And that I was so far beyond a point of no return. I always knew though I did it for a reason I did it to buy time for her, for the kids, for me, for all of us. So we could be a happy family just a little while longer.

It was the worst day of my life, and there isn’t another one that’s even close. I know I was making the right decision. Regardless of Hailey. I always told myself and reconciled that I will make this decision for me. And while I had Hailey in mind I had to make it about the possibility of finding myself and love again. I had to say goodbye and hello at the same time. And I knew this was it there was no turning back.

I am not sure my wife will ever forgive me, I honestly don’t blame her if she ever does. I did love her and gave her my whole self longer than I have ever given anyone. For a time we were a pretty awesome team and I will always look fondly back at the good and try to let the bad subside. It’s hard, really hard. While the scars of my marriage have healed, the heartbreak of hurting someone I care about and loved are still very raw…

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

14 thoughts on “Broken – It’s Time”

  1. I think that you recognizing just how far behind you (emotionally) she was is very important. You had already mourned the loss of your marriage…and she was just starting down this path. Many are unable to see this and then can’t understand what is taking the other person “so long”. You were very brave on this day, my friend. By doing the hardest thing you have ever had to do…you have made it possible for both of you to go on to lead happier, fuller lives…instead of staying stuck, together. And the fact that writing this post brought you to tears….just makes you more of a man in my eyes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Nora! I appreciate your support. It was harder than I could ever articulate into words. The only thing comparable to it is like losing a loved one. Well because you are.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes…you were. And I have no doubt that while you weren’t in love with her and hadn’t been for sometime….that you loved her, which made this all that much harder. I imagine that in all of this…this is when your heart broke.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wanted to hug you when I read this, I wanted to hug your wife too. It’s so sad when two people who love each other can no longer make it work. It hurts like nothing else the whole time you’re in that situation and it hurts like nothing else when you get to the end and realise there is absolutely no way to reconcile, repair or even rescue that relationship. The kindest thing is always the hardest thing to do. Loving each other isn’t enough, you have to both be ‘in love’ with each other for the magic to keep happening.
    Just huge hugs Matt. Huge hugs. You touched my heart with your bravery and honesty today.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hurt for you, I hurt for your wife. This brought up a lot of emotions for me because the guilt I feel for ending my own marriage, the only difference is that the guilt I feel is for wasting years of my life with someone who only looked at me as a way to make their life easier. I want to feel bad but I don’t, and I’m not sure that should bother me or not. I go back and forth with my feelings and there are times I feel bad then when I try to get him to agree he gets greedy with money and I remember one of the reasons why I’m going through with the divorce. I hope you and your wife are in a better place with each other to navigate raising your kids

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was a terrible day. I would say we were likely in similar situations. I took care of so much but it was just time at the end of the day. Who wants to be unhappy and the other person should not want you to be either. I know you gave it a long run so did I. It’s all we could do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We do our best but we also have to take care of ourselves because we are cheating not just is but them as well, well in our case just your wife from finding someone to give her what she needs, mine will find someone to mooch off again.

        Liked by 1 person

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