Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
It had been just under 3 weeks, 18 days since the worst day of my entire life. But I was about to catch a break. I had to travel for work and thought “hey this might be an opportunity to spend some quality time and travel with Hailey”. I ran it by her and she was excited. So I had to check out the details of the agenda.
In a few days I realized, um nope, terrible idea to bring her. I actually had to stay in a AirBnB with other people from work. I could write an entire post about how much this pissed me off outside of the Hailey factor. I was a fucking middle aged man sharing common sleeping space and quarters with a bunch of millennials (not that I had anything against them). Just shoot me. I should have walked around in my boxer briefs in the morning with morning wood. Seriously!? I digress. For this and so many reasons, the agenda was tight, I was kind of not feeling great (pretty sure it was Covid, you know before we knew it was Covid). It just wasn’t lining up.
I told her it was a no go. You would have thought I shot her puppy. She even pushed on me. “Well let’s just rent a room”. I was like well why would I pay for a room to see you for like 2 hours a day. I said if I am going to pay we can go whenever we want and spend quality time. Always practical but also didn’t want to force it.
She was not very understanding. We communicated throughout the trip and I could tell this was bothering her. Finally she said she was struggling with something. I was like “ok” she danced around it a bunch. But at this point unbeknownst to her I was on my 4th delay to catch the train home. At this point I was in the train station for 5 hours. And the train was going to be another 6 hours to get home. I finally had enough and said out with it…
I’m feeling bad. I’m feeling unconvinced that you can’t work on your marriage… I’m unconvinced that you won’t want more time with the kids. Every time I feel like something is changing there’s a setback. And when a setback happens I feel disappointed and think “ok I’ll see about just meeting someone else so I’m not waiting around feeling disappointed ” but then I will hurt you if I do, So I’m confused.
Also I’m just feeling bad in general about what we did. Although I do not for a second regret knowing you as you are one of my favorite people. So I think as much as I want to be a support for you I think we should take time and space. My heart hurts and I know I’m hurting you too but I’m a mess. I don’t tell you when I’m hurt and disappointed because I don’t want to be a burden on you but that’s not good for me. As your friend and someone that loves you I think you guys should go to therapy so you can say you did the work.
What? I asked where is this coming from? And told her she is overreacting to transition. I said I don’t need space if I do I will let you know.
I need it.
Just so I am aware are you saying goodbye or taking space?
Second worse day of my life not even a month apart. I was so devastated. But never cried. I was numb, sick, spent. Fuck you world!! I still had a 6 hour train ride ahead of me. Geez I wonder what will be on my mind…