Broken – Where do I go from here?

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

In the aftermath of Hailey’s revelation I didn’t know what to do. She still said she wanted to see me and made plans with me. But I was trying to figure it all out. And then the first night we were together we had this sort of great night I went over to help her wrap presents for Christmas and then at some point after several drinks she told me she didn’t want sex. We were drunk and crying and emotional. She told me that she had no romantic feelings. I was crushed all over again.

I was screaming and crying. She was crying. She said all guys ever want from her was sex. I said. What are you talking about? It was not even worth the fight. I put her to bed and laid down with her. She whispered mostly drunk it’s ok we can have sex if you want. I just said “No Hailey. I love you. I am hurt. But you go to sleep.” She drifted off and I went back to my AirBnb. And then we had a long text conversation the following day. It’s best you hear it right from our mouths…

Me: Lot of ground covered I was happy to be there for most of it. Sad people make you feel a certain way sad I made you feel a certain way. But I think I understood that you don’t have romantic feelings for me so… I am just dealing.

H: That’s not true

Me: Well you don’t know. On the other side of that. It feels like a no. Or you can always tell me what is true to you.

H: What is true to me is I was waiting waiting waiting. Wishing you loved me enough to speed things up. Then i decided I should date other people. It’ll be good for me. I did very little. One guy who I went out with ten whole times but I didn’t really like him. Then very recently a guy asked me out, right after I felt incredible disappointment over how things were happening with you. I was so excited about the idea of going away with you even during a work trip. I just wanted time with you. But you see I went on a date with someone who sparked my interest so now here I am.

I was so excited about the idea of going away. I wish you had taken the time to care for that let down. I felt so foolish. And I just got a blah blah blah about the crappy Airbnb I’d have paid for a hotel. I had told james I was going away for a training. I had made the plans on my end.

Me: I know I am sorry I was caught in between excitement and reality and I got ahead of my skis when I asked you I thought it was going to be manageable when the logistics came out it didn’t seem it. I need that job and contract. There is pressure to be a team player and not being at the AirBnb as ridiculous as it sounds is a bad visual. I am terribly sorry I didn’t take care of me letting you down. I didn’t even now you made plans on your end. Life was also falling apart too for me and moving 6 gazillion miles an hour. I hurried as fast as I could and I am sorry it took me so long. There is nothing more I can say… But I am sorry you felt like you waited so long. You met a guy that sparked your interest. I said ok well what can I do except the things I can control. And that was to make an honest effort by you and let it land where it lands. But if you don’t have a romantic interest in me right now. All I can do is just pick up the pieces.

And I did love you enough more than enough more than anything really. And I did leave. I did it in a way so I wouldn’t have to look back.

Later that day after a long break of getting beat up at home and her asking me about my day…

Me: I just feel like such a piece of shit to everyone right now. I just got beat up for about 2 hours. I am sorry. For everything. Work trip, The second night I was in the hotel, the waiting. All I here at home is what a terrible father and husband I was to leave she even said you are like your father. And it’s fine I have a new beginning but it stings. Especially on the impact on the kids.

And it hurts so bad because all that trying to do the right thing here never mattered. You were there willing to love. And it is all very fucking heartbreaking. But I am still determined to be ok and I still feel good about me. Even though it’s challenging right now.

I dropped off again but this time I didn’t want to talk but she implored me to answer over and over again finally…

H: Can you tell me how it’s going. I am struggling here.

Me: I am not sure what you are struggling with?

H: Just what I am doing.

Me: I don’t know what you want me to say… I am not going to tell you everything is ok. So I am not sure what you want to know. You aren’t clarifying anything with me. All I can guess is that you want to date this guy, you don’t want to be romantic with me while you are doing it but you want me to be your buddy and be ok?

H: No Matt.

Me: Then I don’t know what you want from me? I have asked a bunch of different ways. I asked you if you want time… I thought you said yes. I asked if you had romantic feelings you said I don’t know. So I am not sure how to reconcile all that.

H: Ok I’m hurting too you know. I need time. I waited for so long. I wanted you to tell a friend. Your mom. Tell your wife. I just wanted something to happen. I fell in love with you and could hide it from no one. But that’s me. I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again.

Me: I told a friend and will tell my mom in time but I don’t want people to judge you and I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want them to carry a burden with that truth. I am over the moon About you and I want to share it with everyone. My world is small I don’t have the friends you do. If I told my wife… I mean look at my life now she would try to keep the kids from me. I am here I left my marriage and family so I could have a chance to be with you. Back in February when you started pushing James to get divorced you and him said November then in April you had an opportunity to sell the house and you saw an opportunity to get away from him so you did and suddenly life moved fast.

You used to tell me you would be patient and you were. You settled in August. Less than 3 months later I left home and less than 4 I will be in my own place. We already agreed that you wouldn’t sit and wait you would do your own thing back in August. So we took that pressure off then. You met someone you like and that is why we are where we are. You are using the waiting to alleviate that decision you are making.

I am sorry Hailey and I am not saying you did anything wrong. But that is what is going on. I apologize for disappointing you recently but the mistake I made was trying to make work trip happen and that second night in the hotel work. And not be honest that it was more than I could handle at the moment. Why i feel terrible that I did that I wanted to deal with my crap so I could get to you and my new life ASAP. But you met someone. So…

And I knew what this potentially meant for me and how much it would effect my life and yes it took a little time and courage but I did it. I want to get through this, there are times I am going to need to be sad, and it hurt, and I make mistakes but I am human. The one thing that has always been consistent is my love and dedication to get to you. I worked so fucking hard this year to make it happen.

H: Matt we met in February by May I was so over the moon in love with you I couldn’t hide it. It scared me. I waited so long.

Me: This patience conversation is one we should be having if this happened and I didn’t leave home. But I did. And you did this after the fact. I don’t want appreciation I don’t want anything just wanted the time.

And with everything said we had to both make sacrifices to get here. And so I am only saying this because it’s not about the patience… we both needed it in different ways. You had to be patient with waiting for my freedom and I had to be so I would be able to live and I had to live with your freedom which wasn’t easy at all.

H: My heart is hurt.

Me: Why? You are doing what you want to do. I don’t know why you want me to be ok with it. I don’t even know what you want me to be ok with.

H: I don’t know anything right now

Me: You are free to do what you want you are not obligated to me or to make me feel good about it. I appreciate your patience and I offered you my freedom. It is what it is. I even acquiesced on continuing to date other people. But you left me unresolved. Were you expecting me to date you without romantic interest? To borrow a phrase what did you think we are just going to go out and eat salad?

H: Xo I’m going to sleep. I’m emotionally drained. Having a rough day.

This is a great summary of that time in our lives. There is alot that I even missed but I found this conversation and it covers it all. I just wanted to make sure she got the narrative straight.