Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
There wasn’t in much of clarification that was forthcoming for me regarding her. I would spend the next week just continuing to talk. We had some back and forth moments that were sweet and some were confusing.
One particular exchange that summed this up was her telling me she was hungry a few times. I thought she could be making an overture but I was not about to put myself in a position to be rejected. So I never asked her to grab a bite with me. She was a little upset… “I asked you what you were doing, I asked you if you had dinner, I asked you if you were out”. “House is boring.” I simply reminded her just 4 short days ago you rejected me as a romantic interest.
She seemed not to care. I told her I wasn’t like most. I listen to your needs and not force mine on you. So I have been giving you space. Just another nugget of disappointment. I am sure she was the one to put herself in a position to ask exclusively rather than expect me to while we were in this state. I told her as much. Not a big fan of an adult saying they are bored either.
She also said something to me that week about missing our time in my old house. I didn’t understand it. I thought she was talking about me and she was she said “I enjoyed every moment I spent with you.” I said I did as well except for a handful of very distinctive moments. And then said she was working in therapy to deal with some demons she was feeling. I wonder what this is all about. I didn’t press her. I could tell it wasn’t open for discussion.
It’s funny when dealing with someone’s disappointment in you… Am I just a disappointing person, do people have high expectations of me, or do they know that I have high expectations for myself so they know they can sprinkle a dash of guilt at me to move me in a certain direction. This is something I battle with.
I was moving in that week and I have to honestly say I was disappointed with her and how that goes both ways. She didn’t come to visit right away. She didn’t help. Like she said so many times. I was sad and disappointed. However I handle it differently, I never expressed that to her. I understood she has things going on in life. But I think it was important to note. My disappointment didn’t make me want to run out and find something new. I just simply asked her Do you want to come visit soon?
She said of course but that night she was at a Christmas party with her brother. She said she forgot to shut off the lights and was worried about it. Without hesitation I said I will go shut them off for you. She never locks her door. So I went now 2.5 miles to her house rental and unplugged the lights. She said thank you.
This was all in a lead up to Christmas. We both went about our mornings with shattered families. It was going to be tough on both of us first Christmas as broken families. Later that day I came home and texted her “How are you doing?” She said not great. “Can you come over?”
I said of course. I could have used a hug as well. 2.5 miles later I walked into the door and she basically gave me a very tight sad but also loving hug. I looked at her in her eyes and that was it. Clothes were flying off we were moving instinctively to her room. On her bed she went. I was naked by the time she hit the comfort of her mattress. I jumped on top and pushed my way in. It was like our connection was forcing us there. We never talked about where we were and what was going on. Our sex bond was taking over. I didn’t make sex a big deal. I just needed to be inside her. I pushed deep occasionally but otherwise a little bit of reclamation again. I pounded her. It was one month since the last time we fucked. I can’t believe it was that long and so much happened in that span it’s crazy.
I was in good form that night. Steel hard. Feeling strong. I just pounded away at her until I filled her up. It felt good we laid there for a while just holding each other not saying anything.
While It felt good there was some ominous feeling that we were about to enter a phase of uncertainty. It felt like we were two people who were dancing a close tango to make our dynamic the way we wanted. And that even added more uncertainty. It reminded me of that scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith when they are dancing and trying to figure each other out, loving, fighting, and fucking. I don’t know what we are…