Broken – I Am Not In A Good Place

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

In the weeks that followed Valentine’s day we settled back into just being a couple. We had both wound down our “seeing other people”. She would come over for lunch, we would spend a few nights a week together. We were busy with school related activities. It was nice and normal.

We even talked about getting away together. But I was surprised when she mentioned she was going away to a seminar but didn’t ask if I wanted to go. It was about a 5 hour drive and I asked if she wanted company. She said thank you but she wouldn’t have a lot of time, as as it was only 2 days, and she needed some time for herself. Of course I respected that but it is hard to imagine that just 3 months before this she made a big deal about my work trip and how it disappointed her.

She kept talking about the struggles of being a single mom. I just wanted to help her so much. I was trying to help find new revenue streams at her business. I was analyzing her data to find out what could help her with income. Didn’t help that her and James never had a plan for support when they separated. He just gave her money here and there. Just ugh.

I could see the weight of it all hitting her. I hinted and insinuated that I could help and eventually if our relationship were to get there this would be easy. I don’t think it was registering. At one point of the course of time she was single she mentioned that she ended up with James because she relied on him to live. And didn’t want to repeat the same mistake.

I think at the point even though all of this may have been true I always feel like there is something underlying a root cause. It was nice to have her but I could feel that she wasn’t all the way there yet.

Then one night we were supposed to get together and she was delaying on me. Finally she said “I am hiding.” Her business was literally a 5 minute walk down the street from me. So “hiding” meant something else.

I asked her what was wrong. She said “I am not in a good place.” I knew she was going to cancel. And tried to be understanding but was also hungry. I said “if you don’t want to come and need time I understand but if you are not. Please let me know I am starving and can move on with my night.” She was offended. I rebuffed “I am not the one being problematic here. Don’t be mad I just want to eat.” Maybe I should have said “I have had my coat on for hours.”

I probably never explained at this point to her I was tired of her wishy washiness and uncertainty. I think she knew. But there was something else for me. I don’t like to watch adults wallow in self pity. Have a day, have 5, but at some point you have to do something. And this had been going on for months. I wanted to tell her to put her big girl panties on. Yes being a single parent is tough but I grew up with one. Talk about having nothing and making something of it. I knew it could be done and had faith in her.

Towards the end of calming the tension of just the evening. She said something so ominous I did and didn’t really know what it meant. She said “this is so hard, I think I need to take one for the team…” She isn’t suggesting… James? WTF!