Broken – Incredulous

It was early May about 6 weeks, but felt like 2 years, into some form of lockdown. Initially pretty restricted but things were getting better as well. Not great. I can barely describe what being single and living alone feels like during this time.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was early May about 8 weeks, but felt like 2 years, into some form of lockdown. Initially pretty restricted but things were getting better as well. Not great. I can barely describe what being single and living alone feels like during this time. It is terrible. I can only imagine the flip side isn’t great either. Especially if you are at home with kids and a spouse you might not get along with constantly. I am sure divorce courts will be working overtime.

I was lucky enough to have a few dates and meet a few people. So I was far luckier than most and of course incredibly luckier than others who suffered during the pandemic. My conversations, projects with the kids, and running kept me going beyond those dates. Although not having run in about 6-7 years it was uber painful but also therapeutic.

During my runs I would think about Hailey. Some of it was motivation, anger, not so much sadness anymore. I even had a “fuck you” playlist that I should share. It is good. It was mixed with other songs I like to run to as well.

I was talking with Jennifer mostly in terms of reaching out to anyone consistently. We would talk about the world in its current state, music, life, but mostly our recent heartbreaks. We were getting to all the intimate details of our former flames. What they would tell us, the connection, chemistry, even the sex. Talking with Jennifer is easy. I fear no judgement. Except for maybe if she found out about Hailey.

My world is pretty small. I am not inner circle to anyone besides my kids. I spoke with few people online here and there but it was lot of fading out. My conversation and relationship with Tammy completely fizzled out as well. I totally understood why this was happening and it was perfectly reasonable considering everything.

It was about a stretch of 3 weeks where I had not seen a soul for more than a few moments in the day except for my kids. When the unthinkable happened. I was just trying to reach out for any human connection so I posted something funny my dog was doing on FB. I don’t use social media frequently but I do see some of the upside.

As I went to reply to a comment someone made there she was… Hailey “liked” my post. I was pissed!! WTF! If she doesn’t want to be with me why can’t she leave me alone. This prompted me to look on her FB feed to see what the heck was going on.

I had unfollowed but not unfriended her so I wanted to prepare myself before I sent her a message. Well there she was in about four consecutive posts wearing my necklace in a sort of obvious way. She even had professional pictures with her and her kids taken (No James) and wearing my necklace.

I greeted her first with a nice message asking how she was doing but asked her to explain herself. She said “you don’t post very often and I thought it was cute.” I didn’t take that as an answer. I said “I told you if you are out please stay out, it hurts. I need an explanation on what you are thinking?” She said. “All my thoughts are on my kids, my family. We can’t go back to us.” I said “that isn’t what I am even asking and please put the necklace away it’s hurtful.” She said “Fine, I will unfriend you.” A few seconds later she was unreachable no real explanation.

I was incredulous and distraught I started driving to where she was staying. I wanted to confront her and I don’t care what happens. My life was not a game I can live with heartbreak, disrespect not so much. As I started the 6 mile journey. I made a quick decision I needed a friend. So I texted Jennifer and asked her if we could talk.

She said of course. I called her and told her I was upset and she asked why. I then told her that my ex-girlfriend she had heard so much about was “Hailey’s Real Name.” All I could hear on the other end was “Holy Shit!” “No Way!” and a whole bunch of other things kind of funny coming from her voice. She rarely swore and was always so gentle with her voice, like she was always trying to calm someone down. I told her what just happened and she calmed me down. I asked her to talk to me until I turn around. She did.

Thank god for Jennifer that night. I probably would have come to my senses but it was 50/50. We talked through this but there was quite a bit of stunned silence. They did not get along in high school. Jennifer was a bit of a hippie and Hailey was a bit of a mean girl. I was not surprised to hear any of it. But there I was finally able to share what happened. But man did that sting. A mere 8 weeks after the last time I saw Hailey she injected herself in my life once again. This set me back and I regressed in my heartbreak at that time.

It felt good to get this off my chest in that moment but realized it might change the dynamic between me and Jennifer. And I was ok with that. I had to tell her, I was a bit desperate and needed someone I could confide in. I hope she understands…

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

10 thoughts on “Broken – Incredulous”

  1. That was the right thing, to turn to someone you could trust to talk you out of/through the turmoil. We all need a Jennifer in our lives. I have one too, a woman I met online recently through the blogs who just happened to be local as well but because of covid we have not met in person. But she is the one I reach out to when I feel despair or some other turmoil. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In all this time….through everything…this is the first time you lost your cool. This is the first time you were going to do something dramatic. I imagine that the pandemic (being isolated), your change in situation (living away from your kids), and your continued heartbreak led to this…
    I am glad Jennifer was able to be there for you and really hoping this doesn’t come between the two of you. She will have her own insights as to Hailey as well…which I am curious about….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And even in that Nora. I never lost it at her. I knew what to do to keep me under control. My messages were never harsh to Hailey. Did I have a bad moment? yes, but it never reached her. lol. Sometimes I wish it had.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. She truly never had a thought in her head for anyone else herself in all this. It’s as if the men in her life are pawns to play with, I’m so sorry you went through this. It wouldn’t have hurt so much if you didn’t love her. I’m so glad Jennifer was there for you. You’re still a better person than me because I would have blown up or sent her husband copies of the messages. I’m not vindictive but I am a bitch if you continue to hurt me. You deserve better

    Liked by 1 person

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