Broken – Thoughts

These are the thoughts I have had so many times about Hailey. I was always just this close to having it all. She was my future, the woman I wanted to spend a great deal of time with. I never wanted to get too far ahead with it. I just wanted to see if the magic worked in the real world.


Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

These are the thoughts I have had so many times about Hailey. I was always just this close to having it all. She was my future, the woman I wanted to spend a great deal of time with. I never wanted to get too far ahead with it. I just wanted to see if the magic worked in the real world.

A question I get asked alot or a comment I had seen was about the affair adding to the dynamic. The sneaking and the heightened adrenaline of doing something we weren’t supposed to. And I really feel that there was something else. That first moment we told each other “I love you” it didn’t feel that way.

Was she just playing me throughout this… probably yes and no. I think there was something she was fighting all along. Those inner demons we all have but hers are a lot worse. My sentiment always was I want to be with her, but I can’t be with her and I really shouldn’t be. There is too much wrong and too much not right. They sound the same but they are not.

Deep down in my gut and heart I love her, but somewhere in the rest of my body is a resentment that is so strong I am probably never willing to admit to. I lie to myself about it but I correct it as well. I but on a brave face but die inside at times. I am sure we all have experienced this.

The drama aside, for which there was plenty, this woman told me she loved me a thousand times in 2 years. She probably could have just played me with a few hundred. And no one in the last 20 years had bothered to make me that important to them.

So many times I wish this script could have been written differently but that would require her to be a different person. Which isn’t possible. I know many of the readers are upset with her and rightfully so, as am I. I mostly struggle to find compassion for her and others I just want to run up and give her a hug. And tell her I am here. I won’t do that because my pride will never allow it but also she is no where close to deserving it.

I know it probably feels like I escaped or I managed to get through it with dating. And some of that is true but there are times that living without her presence is so painful all I can do is cry. She has done horrible things, but that’s not what I cry about. I cry about my lost love even if it was never real or totally bullshit it felt real to me. And it felt real for a long time.

I miss her presence, our laughs, the way she looked at me, the smell we made together. And it killed me to not have it, and not to not breathe it. I know there will be brighter days ahead but for a moment in this story I just wanted to share what I would think about in between the revenge body running and the sporadic dating.

I wanted to give her and her kids everything. Love, a shining example of what life could be. And this is the greatest loss of my life after my marriage. There were so many days I would feel hurt and then other just empty. I don’t know which was worse. I am grateful for the new friends I found in my real and virtual universe and the support you all give.

There are times in the story that I am just lost in both my experience and writing. And right now this post is just about me writing my feelings through the tears of a broken heart. And I wanted to be honest and real. And this as real as it gets. Sometimes I bury it so deep when it comes it overwhelms me. I promise not every day will be this way. But today this is the way it went as I sit here in tears and a sweaty workout clothes. Usually my runs help and maybe this is the way it needed to go. Anyways…

Tomorrow I am going to take a break from writing. I need to work a little self care in this weekend. But next week there is a hysterical surprise. Get ready!

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

12 thoughts on “Broken – Thoughts”

  1. My heart goes out to you, my friend. I wish we were friends in real life and I could give you a hug and take you out for a drink. But, since I can’t do those things…know that I am thinking of you and truly emphasizing with your plight. How I wish this story had a different ending for you.

    I think you said it all when you wrote, “So many times I wish this script could have been written differently but that would require her to be a different person. Which isn’t possible.” How I wish it WERE possible for you, Matt. I really do.

    One thing I know to be true…is life has a funny way of working out. You are smart, funny, dominant (I know that wouldn’t make most women’s lists- but it sure makes mine!), and you have a huge heart. One day, Hailey will take a backseat in your heart to the woman who is going to make your heart sing. Hold out for that day, my friend ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Something someone once told me has stuck with me that I want to share with you. You are allowed to grieve, you are allowed to grieve how you need and for how long as you need as long as you are taking care of yourself. Hailey came into your life for a reason, no matter how painful the outcome, this was a life lesson. She showed you that you have the capacity to love and to be loved. To no longer allow yourself to be stuck in the mundane and the safe. To believe in yourself and make changes no matter how scary they are. So many of us dislike her because we see how much she’s hurt you, at times whether she did it unknowingly or not caring. We’ve got your back and we’re here to lend an ear and a shoulder when needed.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think that’s what sucks about heartache. Like love, it knows no reason. Sometimes you can be fine and carry on and you intellectually know what you need to do to move on and heal, etc. etc. But then some days, you might wake up, take in your first breath, and then — boom — feels like you’ve been hit by the heartache truck. Grief shows up whenever it wants sometimes. Trigger or no trigger. Sorry that you’re having a tough one. Moving through this sense of loss is not easy. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is so much here that is like a mirror of my own feelings and thoughts over the years because of the people who have played me or used me. I understand how it feels for you to wish she could have been different, the growth is that you realise and recognise that she can’t be. She is who she is, you are who you are. Remember throughout all of this experience that the one thing that was not and is not ever possible is that she loved you. Those words are her tools of choice to control you. She is literally not capable of feeling such a strength of emotion for another human being, not even her children. The best she can do is mimic the emotions so that she can con people into believing she is the same as they. The only love she is capable of feeling is for herself. She is empty otherwise. Her games be they accidental or intentional are what she desperately needs to feel real. She is broken from the inside out Matt, not you. You are empathic therefore you have the ability to heal. You may end up with scars, but you will heal. It’s just a very long process. She has no cuts, no bruises, no deep well of hurt. She feels none of the pain you feel, she is almost like a caricature of a real human being. Looks the same, acts the same, but void of all emotional value. A life sized doll that mimics. I truly feel for you my friend. Much love. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Gemma. You are so right. I am healing everyday there are setbacks. But knowing who or what she is helps. I will have scars but I will be better for it. No credit to her though. lol

      Like

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