Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
These are the thoughts I have had so many times about Hailey. I was always just this close to having it all. She was my future, the woman I wanted to spend a great deal of time with. I never wanted to get too far ahead with it. I just wanted to see if the magic worked in the real world.
A question I get asked alot or a comment I had seen was about the affair adding to the dynamic. The sneaking and the heightened adrenaline of doing something we weren’t supposed to. And I really feel that there was something else. That first moment we told each other “I love you” it didn’t feel that way.
Was she just playing me throughout this… probably yes and no. I think there was something she was fighting all along. Those inner demons we all have but hers are a lot worse. My sentiment always was I want to be with her, but I can’t be with her and I really shouldn’t be. There is too much wrong and too much not right. They sound the same but they are not.
Deep down in my gut and heart I love her, but somewhere in the rest of my body is a resentment that is so strong I am probably never willing to admit to. I lie to myself about it but I correct it as well. I but on a brave face but die inside at times. I am sure we all have experienced this.
The drama aside, for which there was plenty, this woman told me she loved me a thousand times in 2 years. She probably could have just played me with a few hundred. And no one in the last 20 years had bothered to make me that important to them.
So many times I wish this script could have been written differently but that would require her to be a different person. Which isn’t possible. I know many of the readers are upset with her and rightfully so, as am I. I mostly struggle to find compassion for her and others I just want to run up and give her a hug. And tell her I am here. I won’t do that because my pride will never allow it but also she is no where close to deserving it.
I know it probably feels like I escaped or I managed to get through it with dating. And some of that is true but there are times that living without her presence is so painful all I can do is cry. She has done horrible things, but that’s not what I cry about. I cry about my lost love even if it was never real or totally bullshit it felt real to me. And it felt real for a long time.
I miss her presence, our laughs, the way she looked at me, the smell we made together. And it killed me to not have it, and not to not breathe it. I know there will be brighter days ahead but for a moment in this story I just wanted to share what I would think about in between the revenge body running and the sporadic dating.
I wanted to give her and her kids everything. Love, a shining example of what life could be. And this is the greatest loss of my life after my marriage. There were so many days I would feel hurt and then other just empty. I don’t know which was worse. I am grateful for the new friends I found in my real and virtual universe and the support you all give.
There are times in the story that I am just lost in both my experience and writing. And right now this post is just about me writing my feelings through the tears of a broken heart. And I wanted to be honest and real. And this as real as it gets. Sometimes I bury it so deep when it comes it overwhelms me. I promise not every day will be this way. But today this is the way it went as I sit here in tears and a sweaty workout clothes. Usually my runs help and maybe this is the way it needed to go. Anyways…
Tomorrow I am going to take a break from writing. I need to work a little self care in this weekend. But next week there is a hysterical surprise. Get ready!