Broken – Glimpses

While it might seem like I was chasing something that wasn’t to be. Hailey was doing plenty to keep my interest. Not with drama but with our chemistry and our sweet side. She would reach out to me daily.


Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

While it might seem like I was chasing something that wasn’t to be. Hailey was doing plenty to keep my interest. Not with drama but with our chemistry and our sweet side. She would reach out to me daily. There were ups and downs on this.

Sometimes this story leans towards the terrible things that occurred. These are always easier to remember. Also and I have tried to speed it up a little bit so I talk about the significant turning points in the relationship. But there were always moments in that gave me as much hope as it did concern.

Like the first time she landed in my apartment to explain herself. We laughed hysterically within 15 minutes of being together. She asked why I looked so good and I quipped “I have logged more miles than Forrest Gump.” We broke out into laughter. She approached me once in the following days she looked in my eyes and told me how much she loved me. She said “I know your face better than anyone I have ever known. Every scar, perfection and imperfection.”

One day she was feeling low. So I went old school and sent her one of my erotic tales of something I would like to do to her. And I added Happy Birthday to one of her kids I think it stunned her that I remembered. I know all her kids birthdays. She said “It amazes me how incredibly sweet and spicy you are.”

One night she was working late and I was out for a run and she told me to swing by her office. I sat in there sweaty and gross and she told me how cute I was. And we talked about her day. It felt real for the first time in a long time. Just the two of us hanging out. It was a sweet moment. I could sense her sadness in it as well. One that realized how good this actually could be.

I remember the time we were having sex and she asked “are you sleeping with anyone else?” And I said “Unfortunately not right now, but if you want to bring someone next time.” And we both laughed hysterically while I was inside her.

Even her jealousy of my potential dating made me think her heart was in the right place. Even if her execution was miserable and hypocritical. She asked one time if I had a hot date that night. I replied I would like a hot date with you. She said “YES! Please.”

These are the things as an empath we hold onto. The promise of what could be the beauty and potential of someone really believing they are good. I never thought for once it couldn’t happen if she could just get out of her own way and separate from James. Being with each other was easy it felt meant to be.

I recall one conversation in the very beginning of my separation when Hailey and I met a friend of hers that knew everything at a bar. She asked “how are you guys still together with all the turmoil you both went through.” And we went back and forth a little bit. But the gist of it was when we were together it was never the problem. I don’t recall us fighting about anything about us. It was always about our life outside of us.

The question was always could we get past that to stop having a separate life and live in a shared space. Open to the world. There was something calming to each other about our presence. And we were so alive in each others company. I told her friend no matter how angry we are at each other when we are together it mostly washes away.

You could feel it when she walked through that door after not seeing her for almost 4 months. It was like time never passed. We all have those people in our lives. A cousin, friend, or for lucky or unlucky people depending on the given moment, a lover that when you see them it’s just you two. The world stands still and disappears around that person. That is what it felt like with her and she would say the same thing to me.

I know her coffee order, that she likes sunrises and walks, likes to go to bed early, what she laughs at, what she likes to eat, what makes her crazy, what makes her swoon, and that she loves my smell and kisses. She knows all those or similar things about me about me as well. She held onto that information even when she went back to James. We know a ridiculous amount about each other. We invested so much of our time into each other.

She would remind me often that no one in this world could make a BLT sandwich date seem like she was living a dream. And in my own way I was fighting to keep that dream alive for both of us. I was not going to let it go until there was nothing left to fight for. Because if you feel like the love of your life is standing in front of you, you don’t walk away. Or at least that is the way I felt.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

9 thoughts on “Broken – Glimpses”

  1. I wish I had a man like you that loved me like you love Hailey. I could shake her for what she’s been doing. She’s insane to not let another moment go by apart.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am really glad you shared this post, Matt. As your audience, we hadn’t heard about the “sweet side” of this relationship very much this second time around. It sounds like both of you still felt very much connected to one another, despite the ups and downs. I am curious why you continued to date Ashley though….was it a safety net kind of thing? Or, just a “to spite Hailey” kind of thing (from her prior treatment of you in the past?). Or….were you starting to have feelings for Ashley too?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. So Ashley will come up in a post soon, if not tomorrow, I have to see where I am at chronologically. I continued dating her because of my uncertainty with Hailey. And I knew there was going to be a stretch where I wouldn’t see her. I was also liked and was having fun with Ashley. And she wasn’t concerned about dating others.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you included this too. As I’ve been following you’re story I only seemed to get a sense of when she drove you crazy (in the bad ways) and when she drove you crazy (in the good, sexual ways). This gives a little more insight into how much she and you were connected on an emotional level and why you hung on. Makes more sense. But I do echo a similar sentiment as nora has – why continue to date Ashley? Did you also have more than sexual feelings for her too? Or were you keeping your options open? Totally NOT judging you either way, if that was the case — I’ve done and do it too, not put all the eggs in one basket so to speak, always have a plan B, etc etc

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Me too. I would just add that Ashley was on board with dating other people. So it was a casual relationship with someone I really liked. And at that point it wasn’t necessary to say goodbye to her. I never saw her quite as a plan B. More like a fun person to date and hang out with. And it seemed understood by both of us.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think I’m about to rain on everyone’s parade a little bit but here goes.
    This is classic love bombing, Give the empath the person they fell in love with at the beginning and they will fall in line almost instantly every single time. You can dress this up any way you want to and call it sweet side, loving side, sunny side, it’s all the same person and she is most definitely an extremely competent covert narcissist, I did originally believe she was overt, but damn she’s a serial victim of her own making. She really knows exactly how to get under your skin, she will remember all those things about you that she realises you think are important and she will say them as often as she can to blind side you into believing that her emotions run so deep for you this stuff is engraved on her heart. It’s not, it’s filed in her head under useful stuff to bring Matt to heel.
    I’m sorry Matt, I truly am, on the surface it all sounds so perfectly right if you just ignore the maelstrom of chaos swirling around her, the fact that she purposely re-entangled herself with James, that man’s head must be a complete fuck fest of confusion and fear and mistrust and chock full of suspicions but no hard evidence and without that, he can’t leave her can he? He has invested a serious amount of his life in trying to keep her. He can’t afford to look at her and see the truth. He will happily live a lie, he has strong narcissistic tendencies himself. He doesn’t really care if she’s happy, just so long as he is.
    Here’s an example of what I mean, this is something my ex husband said to me on the day I told him I wanted a divorce, he said , ‘Well I’m happily married so you need to get over it. You will not be having a divorce just because you want it. Sort yourself out, go take a pill, but don’t raise this subject again, I won’t like it.’
    The precursor to this was the conversation between us where he said he was deeply unhappy with me for the way things were going with us and I needed to get my head in the game because he didn’t like being questioned continually.
    He then announced he was booking a week away for us both and I would need to arrange care for our son. He wasn’t invited. He smiled, kissed my forehead and wandered off down to his workshop. Normal day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right. It was love bombing and it was so short lived. Just enough to hook me back in. She really honed her narc skills by this point.

      Like

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