Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
While it might seem like I was chasing something that wasn’t to be. Hailey was doing plenty to keep my interest. Not with drama but with our chemistry and our sweet side. She would reach out to me daily. There were ups and downs on this.
Sometimes this story leans towards the terrible things that occurred. These are always easier to remember. Also and I have tried to speed it up a little bit so I talk about the significant turning points in the relationship. But there were always moments in that gave me as much hope as it did concern.
Like the first time she landed in my apartment to explain herself. We laughed hysterically within 15 minutes of being together. She asked why I looked so good and I quipped “I have logged more miles than Forrest Gump.” We broke out into laughter. She approached me once in the following days she looked in my eyes and told me how much she loved me. She said “I know your face better than anyone I have ever known. Every scar, perfection and imperfection.”
One day she was feeling low. So I went old school and sent her one of my erotic tales of something I would like to do to her. And I added Happy Birthday to one of her kids I think it stunned her that I remembered. I know all her kids birthdays. She said “It amazes me how incredibly sweet and spicy you are.”
One night she was working late and I was out for a run and she told me to swing by her office. I sat in there sweaty and gross and she told me how cute I was. And we talked about her day. It felt real for the first time in a long time. Just the two of us hanging out. It was a sweet moment. I could sense her sadness in it as well. One that realized how good this actually could be.
I remember the time we were having sex and she asked “are you sleeping with anyone else?” And I said “Unfortunately not right now, but if you want to bring someone next time.” And we both laughed hysterically while I was inside her.
Even her jealousy of my potential dating made me think her heart was in the right place. Even if her execution was miserable and hypocritical. She asked one time if I had a hot date that night. I replied I would like a hot date with you. She said “YES! Please.”
These are the things as an empath we hold onto. The promise of what could be the beauty and potential of someone really believing they are good. I never thought for once it couldn’t happen if she could just get out of her own way and separate from James. Being with each other was easy it felt meant to be.
I recall one conversation in the very beginning of my separation when Hailey and I met a friend of hers that knew everything at a bar. She asked “how are you guys still together with all the turmoil you both went through.” And we went back and forth a little bit. But the gist of it was when we were together it was never the problem. I don’t recall us fighting about anything about us. It was always about our life outside of us.
The question was always could we get past that to stop having a separate life and live in a shared space. Open to the world. There was something calming to each other about our presence. And we were so alive in each others company. I told her friend no matter how angry we are at each other when we are together it mostly washes away.
You could feel it when she walked through that door after not seeing her for almost 4 months. It was like time never passed. We all have those people in our lives. A cousin, friend, or for lucky or unlucky people depending on the given moment, a lover that when you see them it’s just you two. The world stands still and disappears around that person. That is what it felt like with her and she would say the same thing to me.
I know her coffee order, that she likes sunrises and walks, likes to go to bed early, what she laughs at, what she likes to eat, what makes her crazy, what makes her swoon, and that she loves my smell and kisses. She knows all those or similar things about me about me as well. She held onto that information even when she went back to James. We know a ridiculous amount about each other. We invested so much of our time into each other.
She would remind me often that no one in this world could make a BLT sandwich date seem like she was living a dream. And in my own way I was fighting to keep that dream alive for both of us. I was not going to let it go until there was nothing left to fight for. Because if you feel like the love of your life is standing in front of you, you don’t walk away. Or at least that is the way I felt.