Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
It was getting close to fall and Hailey and I were going to finally have some time together again. James was scheduled for something we all dread. I made a joke to her if she could tip the doc to be rough. She laughed.
But she wanted to come over while he was in the procedure. We had yet to really talk about her blowing me off and what had happened and it was about 3 weeks in between seeing her.
I had lunch ready for us when she got here. And I went straight to it but gently. I said we haven’t really talked about that. She was resistant even sighed and even said “I didn’t think we would have talk about it.” I just simply said “Hailey you say you love and adore me. When does the love and adoration begin?” Not that I need a significant amount. But she got my point. What had happened wasn’t anywhere close.
I told her I don’t want her free time, I don’t want your kids time, nor your friends, nor your client’s time. I want a small percentage of the time and energy you give to James at some point.
I think this simplification threw her. She muddled out something like “I don’t know what love is. Or if I am capable of love.” I asked “do you want to go back on the dating apps?” She said “sometimes I think that might be easier.” “I feel like I can’t give what you want?” I missed an opportunity here. Ever the empath I tried to say. Of course you can. I want to help you.
I should have asked “what is it you think I want?” It would have been simple answer. I want what she told me she wanted to give me in the first place… that “time”. She said “tell me I will be ok when I am leave home.” I said “of course I am here for you.” “I won’t let anything happen to you.” I even showed her how much her finances needed to be to get by. I even told her how much I could contribute down the road if we were together. She cried. We made love.
But I told her sometime before she left. That all this uncertainty had to end at some point. That she needed to tell me if I was in her plan otherwise let me be free to live my life and finally grieve this relationship. I capped it with I don’t want to find out in January I am not part of your plan. She nodded.
She stayed and hung out for a bit and we watched a show and had a laugh or two. It was hard for me knowing she was unable to say she wanted me at the end of her impending separation when she seemed so sure the first time she walked in my door after the long absence. I always had a hard time reconciling her actions, emotions, and words. They seemed so inconsistent, yet almost predictable.
Her demeanor that day and the way she looked at me never indicated anything wrong. I was trusting it. Her love for me, that she would find it, and realize my love for her was always more than enough for anyone.
Broken 
She sounds afraid to be even more vulnerable, which is what inevitably happens when you let someone in to truly love and ACCEPT you. Perhaps that’s why the dating apps are easier for her. It can always remain at the surface, and it doesn’t have to be heavy or deep.
Like you referenced in a previous post — things were often great and loving and resembled more of relationship potential when it was just the two of you. You could trust in her emotions and feelings and your own.
It’s when the world outside you and Hailey encroaches upon you two is when things don’t come together and ‘mess’ things up. But we don’t live in a vacuum, unfortunately. Not much to say other than….this still seems like a roller coaster of emotions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was always a roller coaster. At this point it was a year since she said she wanted to “accept invitations”… I was tired.
LikeLike
I’d be tired too if in your situation. And maybe it’s just me but even the “accept invitations” phrase (was it hers?) is irksome. Not being daft here but was does that exactly entail? Does that mean dating around? Or the ability to accept invitations without feeling guilt or obligated to another regardless of whether or not these invitations lead to a date or sex? Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too…?
LikeLiked by 1 person
It meant dating around. She was always pretending like it wasn’t “her choice” to date. More like her choice to accept an invitation. Always wants her cake and eat it too.
LikeLike
I think you make a very good point here, Matt. Rather than just telling her “of course you can”, it may have been helpful to encourage her to articulate what it was that she thought you were wanting from her. This may have helped both of you have a deeper understanding of where the two of you were at this point.
Also, your saying, “Her demeanor that day and the way she looked at me never indicated anything wrong”….leads me to believe something big and painful is coming….
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I would always rush to solve someone’s problem. But it is always better to slow down and discuss ‘root cause’ or make sure you define the problem accurately.
LikeLike
I feel a huge storm brewing…
LikeLike