Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
It was getting close to fall and Hailey and I were going to finally have some time together again. James was scheduled for something we all dread. I made a joke to her if she could tip the doc to be rough. She laughed.
But she wanted to come over while he was in the procedure. We had yet to really talk about her blowing me off and what had happened and it was about 3 weeks in between seeing her.
I had lunch ready for us when she got here. And I went straight to it but gently. I said we haven’t really talked about that. She was resistant even sighed and even said “I didn’t think we would have talk about it.” I just simply said “Hailey you say you love and adore me. When does the love and adoration begin?” Not that I need a significant amount. But she got my point. What had happened wasn’t anywhere close.
I told her I don’t want her free time, I don’t want your kids time, nor your friends, nor your client’s time. I want a small percentage of the time and energy you give to James at some point.
I think this simplification threw her. She muddled out something like “I don’t know what love is. Or if I am capable of love.” I asked “do you want to go back on the dating apps?” She said “sometimes I think that might be easier.” “I feel like I can’t give what you want?” I missed an opportunity here. Ever the empath I tried to say. Of course you can. I want to help you.
I should have asked “what is it you think I want?” It would have been simple answer. I want what she told me she wanted to give me in the first place… that “time”. She said “tell me I will be ok when I am leave home.” I said “of course I am here for you.” “I won’t let anything happen to you.” I even showed her how much her finances needed to be to get by. I even told her how much I could contribute down the road if we were together. She cried. We made love.
But I told her sometime before she left. That all this uncertainty had to end at some point. That she needed to tell me if I was in her plan otherwise let me be free to live my life and finally grieve this relationship. I capped it with I don’t want to find out in January I am not part of your plan. She nodded.
She stayed and hung out for a bit and we watched a show and had a laugh or two. It was hard for me knowing she was unable to say she wanted me at the end of her impending separation when she seemed so sure the first time she walked in my door after the long absence. I always had a hard time reconciling her actions, emotions, and words. They seemed so inconsistent, yet almost predictable.
Her demeanor that day and the way she looked at me never indicated anything wrong. I was trusting it. Her love for me, that she would find it, and realize my love for her was always more than enough for anyone.