Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
Even though I was not devastated about Ashley saying goodbye, it hurt enough. I wasn’t having a good weekend and suddenly my focus was almost entirely on Hailey. Except something was changing. I mentioned in a earlier post a night at her office. I stopped by during a run. It was amazingly sweet. But also a sadness there. I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
But it had been almost 2 full days since that night and when I heard from her next. I knew she was having a hard time with James. They were in full blown war over her revelation that they were done again. Except she was starting to go out frequently with friends and acquaintances. They were splitting nights. She had mentioned possibly escaping to my place for a night at one point. So why this pattern. Was it or was it not safe for her to be with me? I couldn’t even tell.
But 2 days, I was getting nervous. So I contacted her. I was afraid to. I didn’t want to make things worse. She replied and said. “Oh it’s fine you can contact me anytime.” That struck me as odd. Nothing was really adding up. Was it this bad? I was trying to be understanding so I would give her space. I thought she was just working on it. That’s what she told me. But with the uncertainty of our relationship I wasn’t sure. Do I keep dating? Do I wait?
We even spent one night talking on the phone from 12PM to 2PM as I calmed her down after a big fight.
But shortly after sparing communication came again. So I decided to continue to go out. Then that Friday night after another long stretch without contact. I get the proverbial “Good Night” text at 9:50 PM. I responded much later. The next morning. I was trying to engage. I wanted to know what was going on. I was getting just one word answers back. So I said passive aggressively… ” Geez… Hello, It’s nice to hear from you? How is your day?” Well it went south fast.
Her response: “We are right back to where we were. I have nothing left to give right now. I’m fighting and uphill battle. I don’t have what you need right now. It’s not just me. It’s my kids. My business. My sanity. My safety. My future plans. My current obligations. I’m not lounging with extra time on my hands.”
I gave her the benefit of the doubt once again. But I was skeptical. She was going out on her free nights. Spending about 16 hours a week at the beach. All I wanted was a text asking me how I was.
So my response: “I realize that and I understand that might be the case but you could say that to me. I don’t mind being supportive and I want to support you. But you just should tell me what is going on with you and in regards to me. I don’t know if you are not interested, don’t care, in trouble, or just spent. I want to help, i try to help and you push me away a bit I don’t know why you do. I am just guessing here and there is no reason that I should be guessing. I don’t need anything from you right now in terms of tangible time and energy other than for you to say if you want/appreciate my support and if that future plan has me in it. You came to me I didn’t come to you. It’s not that hard to say I am having a difficult time I think about you and I want to talk to you as soon as I am able.“
“But then again if you don’t want to I should know that.”
Her Response: “Everything is just hard right now.”
My Response: “I know and I don’t want to make things harder at all. But I am still a human being I have feelings and I deserve to know things. Ultimately I just want to care and love you. I don’t need to rush. I don’t need it to happen now. But I don’t want to find out in Jan. Or whenever I am not in your plans.
Also I know you are drained with energy and I know that James or dealing with gets a lot of it. But if I carry the weight of our relationship or lack there of then I am giving James my energy too. And that also means your kids have to, and your business and your safety and sanity. Your orbit is orbiting him and everyone that loves you and cares about you is experiencing this source of drain. And it has been for a while. It sucks because it feels like I am the on that has to carry some of it. He tears and wears you down and I have to be the one that’s supportive while he gets a disproportionate amount of your attention and energy. While also having you questioning love and things that are safe. Anyways I want you to be happy and healthy but I want and need that to. At some point I feel like you need to finally start to put him behind you and pick your future or else you aren’t going to find what you need… whatever that is.
When you say “I don’t want to put you through this” and I do appreciate you saying that. It’s not him I am worried about it’s you. For your own sake but also for mine. His whatever right now impacts me not at all. It’s the impact on you. The only thing that has been difficult to deal with for me with you is the uncertainty about me. It’s been over a year that it’s been that way. So yes I do need to protect my heart a little and I need to receive love and feel safe in my relationships as well. And that’s why I spoke up.“
It was such a shit weekend. Fall was here and that would be our last conversation for another 12 days. She never replied…