Broken – Broken

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

November came and I needed some friend face time. Jennifer and I decided to meet for brunch one Sunday morning. She was talking to me about Gregg and how he was starting to act funny. Interestingly enough he behaved alot of the same ways Hailey did. So my insight was good for her.

I even predicted for her within a week to when he would return. It was gut but I saw patterns there. We had a nice brunch then I started walking back to my apartment when suddenly I spotted something familiar. That’s Hailey’s car!! WTF! I thought. What is she doing here on a Sunday. And why is she parked there? Very prominent and noticeable. Not on a work day for her. And it’s way to o far away.

I waited a little while. I was very upset. She was right next to my frequent restaurant although not as much since the pandemic. So I reached out. Definitely a little bit of an invasion of turf.

I said “Hi” she said “Hi”. I asked “What is going on?” She said “Life.” I mentioned that I caught her car as I was about to head into the restaurant. She said “You are welcome wherever, whenever.” She was being kind of a jerk. I could tell. I asked what if you are with the kids or a date? Now I asked about a date to see what she would say. “She said I don’t know what if.”

I said you haven’t spoken to me so obviously it’s awkward. Let’s get together and talk pick the time. No answer as hours went by. I wrote her “I guess I am not even worth a conversation.” She said “That’s not true I am just driving right now.” I didn’t hear from her the rest of the day.

Two days later I am out for my run. She was parked in the same spot. I was freaked out. I asked “Can you call me please?” She said. “I am not at the restaurant.” That was a tell to me that she wanted me to spot her and call. And I fell right in the trap.

I asked her “can you please just tell me what is going on?” “I am having dinner with Betty” (a mutual mom friend of ours from school). Then “I am sorry for the way things ended.” I was so stunned that hadn’t sunk in yet.

I “asked so you are saying the ended? Well that is news to me.” I asked again “Are you saying I am not worth a conversation?” “I am not saying that. I am saying I don’t want a conversation right now.” I pressed.. “If not now then when, If your feelings have definitively changed you have a conversation at that time not months later.”

I said “let me know when we can talk.” Hours went by. She said “Well that was comfortable, you came up. I have been out all day. I will let you know.”

I said “Ok well I am pretty hurting right now and the kindest thing you can do is have a conversation with me.”

Then at 5 AM:

Someday I’ll be able to talk, not now. I have gotten to a point where I need to put the past behind me. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the past 5 years of my life. I need to put it all away in order to move forward.
Last night was killer when Betty asked if I know who you are. I don’t want any association to your separation.
One of your last texts to me mentioned something about exhaustion. I agree it’s all been exhausting.
This isn’t about you as a person.
I think you will do well in life and find happiness. I hope you want the same for me.
If I see you, I’ll say hello. It isn’t awkward for me. Feel free to just be in town, it’s my city too. I’m not going to try to avoid you.

I cried hard. The hardest I cried since I lost my dog. It was like losing someone. It’s hard to even write this. I was so hurt words cannot describe how my heart was ripped out of my chest. I did notice how cold and cruel her message was. Like I was some sort of acquaintance. But as of that point I hadn’t fully digested it yet. So I drafted two messages. One to just try to put this behind me and take the high road. Another filled with just anger. I know I wouldn’t get a response and opted for the kindness. I didn’t want the last words I would say to her to be awful.

So I said-

Ok. Hailey I love you and forgive you and while right now I am only half way there I don’t want to harbor resentment and anger. I loved you and always will on some level. I want to accept the good and let go of the bad. But it’s going to take me some time not because of anger but because of how I felt about you. I am sorry you feel guilt about my separation, I own that, it was my decision.

Because it is going to take me some time I want to ask you for some space. By that I mean I may unfriend you on Facebook not forever but for now maybe not at all. I will need to avoid the places I know you are for a couple months. If you could find it in your heart to do the same I would really appreciate it just for a couple months. By that I mean park a little further away than you have been and take a peek in the restaurants to see if I am there. I know it may sound ridiculous but daily reminders of you is not healthy for me right now. I will have enough thoughts about this. If you want me to be happy, getting past this phase will be part of it. And it is something you can help with. Again this isn’t because I am upset with you it’s exactly the opposite. While it isn’t awkward for you I am not sure if I am ready to see you out and about without a conversation and I hope you can understand that. While you have been processing this in the past several weeks this is new to me. I am broken hearted even more unexpectedly than I anticipated. You don’t have to respond to everything but if you could acknowledge the space thing it would be appreciated.

Of course I want you to be happy and healthy I would wish that for everyone including the kids and even James. Last joke there. But I still want that for him.

I love you.

No response from her… within a calendar year I lost my past and my future and had the second worst day of my life. I was devastated… just…

Broken.