Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
In the immediate aftermath of that day I didn’t sleep and couldn’t eat. I wondered what the hell happened. Trying to go over it all to make sense of it. Did she just want to pursue other things? Did she really want to put the past behind her?
I mean certainly of all the shameful things she did those 5 years doesn’t just get erased. Plus she was doing something shameful to me? Right? It took some time to set in. And then put the pieces together.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been so kind in the goodbye but how can I not make it final if I didn’t react that way. I think part of my reaction was that I knew deep down inside this needed to be final. That my dignity and self respect were on the line in the short term. And my emotional health and heart was on the line long term.
I was pretty convinced that most of what she was telling me was bullshit. How do you go from wanting to parade down the street with me while in marriages to being ashamed of what you did.
Other than saying “I am sorry how it ended.” There wasn’t really any final language. She left the door open for a conversation. Why does she keep leaving it open ended like this. I never got it.
And there was nothing in her message remotely kind. “I think you will be happy” what the fuck is that? Sounds like when I would fall down and the joke would come from a parent or coach. Rub some dirt on it and get back up. No I loved you. No real sorry. No real empathy. She treated it like it was an affair for a few months. And all OVER TEXT.
My reaction to these kinds of things is a healthy amount of anxiety and nervous energy. In which creates the incredible combination of not eating and a healthy amount of exercise without needing fuel. It catapults weight loss in me like I have never seen as I am sure my calorie deficit is off the charts. Lighter note to self. Want to get in shape real fast go through heartbreak.
It was all I could think about every second of every day. I would get work reprieves but that was about it. There was not enough going on in my life and in life just in general. And it was looking like we going to be pretty well locked down again. So lots of indoor time. I had some decisions to make to try to get through this.
I was in a real bad way. First I was going to create a workout plan and go after a body like I have never had. But I had a bigger issue. No one to talk to. Jennifer was it at the time. And she was going through something similar with Gregg. So she was a mess. All we could do is commiserate. But she was sinking. WTF! I was about to do the unthinkable. As Darcey began to press to know what was wrong as she could sense something all over me.
We talked on the phone and I confessed… everything. I know what you are thinking yet another relationship ruined by Hailey. But I needed to tell her I wasn’t in any position to prop up one end of a relationship where we were let alone progress one to a point that would be satisfactory for anyone.
I had to tell her. Something in my gut told me to tell her.