Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
Between the conversations with Darcey and just listening to answers I started to narrow down what was wrong. It has been suggested by readers that Hailey might be a Narcissist or/and even possibly a Borderline. These are both incredibly difficult personality disorders to deal with. Both actually make sense.
As a matter of fact I think if I did the comorbidity calculation right and if she is one or the other and it’s a good chance, one in three, that she is both. Maybe even a higher probability.
I have no ability to diagnose and all these are my opinions based on her behaviors and tying them to some sort of source material. I don’t consider myself an expert or a mental health professional or anywhere close.
I know this kind of research might actually make people in that field nuts. But there is one thing that a victim of one of these personality disorders can attest to is the distinctive patterns once you are enlightened. There are so many “A HA!” moments it is ridiculous. And I can with a reasonable amount of certainty more than 75%, say that she suffers from one or both of these types of personality disorders.
So why am I doing this. It helps me heal. Also I have seen so much information out there. But haven’t seen much in terms of tying it to a personal story. I have now documented my story and can tie these behaviors to an actual experience. Maybe it helps someone. And saves them from heartbreak and abuse. Or just exposes these disorders and the toll it takes on people. There is another reason to be highlighted in a future post.
Back to Hailey… I discovered something that made me lean towards NPD. She exhibits the classic approach. Love Bomb – Devaluation – Disengagement. AKA as the discard. Both disorders have a similar type of pattern. But it was almost clinical when she came back after James.
The first 3-4 weeks was love bombing. “I love you”, “I know your face better than anyone’s”, Walking by 2-3 times a week. She was everywhere all the time.
Then came devaluation quickly. I assume this is when she started lining up the new guy. Suddenly what she had time for 3 weeks she no longer has time for. And I don’t know about love. And maybe this is too difficult. And my life is so hard. Which we no know is bullshit because she was “ready to go” when this new guy came along.
Then disengagement – “I am sorry how this ended. Can’t talk about it though.” I prefer disengagement term from a site I discovered and will introduce. Because with a narcissist you are never truly discarded.
But it was the discard that caught my eye. No empathy, already has someone, but is throwing it in my face. It is very public. None of it made sense. Didn’t she mention her shame? Isn’t this as shameful as anything she has done?
It had me looking until I found the video below that almost fit my discard exactly.
First me holding her accountable. The moment she walked in the door. I started holding her accountable for her past actions. I wanted to address them to ensure they would no longer happen. I held her accountable to tell me if I was in her plan. I held her accountable for her absences and her change in behaviors. This is essentially figuring her out. It’s a pattern I have seen before with us. I refuse to accept her bullshit she disengages and then sees if she can get me back. This has happened now 4 times.
Second was her jumping into a new relationship. Time-lining our quick demise in one week. From her wearing my t-shirt to bed to her staying at this guys house 2-3 times a week. A mere 6 weeks. But that was only me knowing about it. I am more than certain she had stayed there before I just never saw it.
Third her wanting me to know what she was doing suddenly. And wanting to get under my skin. She said to me when she pulled the social media thing when she was with James (actually called a hoover, will get into this in subsequent posts). “I wanted you to know I was still out there. Good or Bad.” paraphrasing a bit there.
The parking thing is no different. She saw that guy likely a minimal handful of times over 6 weeks without me noticing. She used it to “out” herself initially to get me to contact her. The parking is a subtle awful manipulation. And will explain what she gets from this later. Why is it so terrible?.. It is plausible. You might think well she is just going to see this guy and that is what is convenient. To the outside person they will just tell you to ignore it. To not give her that energy.
However I specifically asked for her empathy and to not do that. So at that point it becomes intentional. And seeing what you thought was the love of your life basically fucking some guy in front of you is about as traumatizing as it gets. It also like picking at a scab so it never heals. And she made it happen by simply parking her car. If it weren’t so shitty I might even be able to appreciate how clever this manipulation is and how she has used it for non-verbal communication with me.
Here is the video that started me down the NPD rabbit hole.
Broken 
If pursuing this line of thinking is helpful and is helping you heal, then by all means….
But, I think what is more helpful is figuring yourself out. What made you so susceptible to allowing someone to treat you so badly? Why did you keep going back for more when she clearly was not prioritizing you? How will you recognize the red flags next time and not get yourself into the same situation? Please know that I am not putting you down, my friend… but you are continuing to focus on Hailey, instead of focusing on yourself and your own well being. In a way, you are still doing exactly what she wants…thinking about her. While reflection is important…the key here is probably self-reflection.
As an aside, I know I have shared that I work in mental health. Specifically, I work with people with severely debilitating mental illness (think schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder). I would never offer a diagnosis of Hailey without spending significant time with her. But, I will say that it is highly unlikely that she suffers true borderline personality disorder….so you can probably rule that out in this exercise.
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Hi Nora! Thank you for your comments. If Narcissists weren’t so good at what they do, if they weren’t so cleverly manipulative. There wouldn’t be victims. I will touch on why I think I “allowed” someone to treat me so badly. As self reflection has been a big part of this for me. Victims of this behavior never want to allow it. The red flags are so minimal until you are ensnared and once you are ensnared you try to deal with one problem and you are onto the next. It is death by a 1000 papercuts. You have the benefit of my story in hindsight. I had to live it in real time. It took time away from the relationship to see it all.
I knew mental health professionals would have strong opinions. But something nags me she sees a therapist and there she is piling up victims. I doubt she has been diagnosed with NPD, yet she sat across from one weekly. How would you expect someone like me with an untrained eye to see it? And this is why I am writing it from my perspective. Because until you have been the victim of this disorder it is nearly impossible to identify them.
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Hi Matt. First, I apologize if my comment was too strongly worded. As a mental health professional it does set me off a bit to hear discussion of diagnoses from non-clinical sources. What I meant to emphasize is that what really matters is just what you took from this…not if Hailey is or isn’t some diagnoses or the other. Above all else she is clearly manipulative and self-absorbed….and I understand it must have been very difficult to finally come to this conclusion. And, hindsight is a blessing…BUT, I feel that there were likely red flags, right from the start. She’s just not that clever. And, being the manipulator that she is…it is unlikely that James was a narcissist as well… two people that manipulative are not attracted to one another (typically) as their usual games and tricks don’t keep them center of attention. From the start, I have felt like he is just another one of her victims. This new guy that lives a block over and is getting over nights? It is very likely she doesn’t even care about him, but she needs to punish you for not falling into her trap…so, she spends the night there and makes her car obvious. In any case…this is your story to tell, and I feel that I have stepped over the line. I am sorry, my friend. I hope you know that I am, and will remain, one of your biggest fans. You have been through a lot and I have a lot of empathy for you.
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Nora I apologize for needing to diagnose Hailey. But it is necessary as a victim of systematic abuse to understand where it comes from. This is how I heal. Would you tell a victim of emotional abuse that they should have seen the red flags? It is something they can learn from sure. But part of the healing is being heard. I have Darcey and Jennifer to talk to, but this is “my day in court.” It is my chance to shine a light on a too often dismissed Personality Disorder routinely passed off as a synonym for arrogance. When it is soooo much worse than that.
She will not seek out this diagnosis so I am forced to do it. As a first hand victim and seeing the behaviors and simply matching sourced material of known Narcissistic behaviors. I have come up with my less than expert, but entirely accurate, in my humble opinion, diagnosis. I also want to share with people the subtleties and how the abuse comes on, and to the point of today’s comments, why it’s hard to convince people you are experiencing what you are experiencing. As that is a common aspect of being a victim of Narcissistic abuse. They are so high functioning that hardly anyone knows that they are a Narcissist including themselves. Peace can not just be the absence of conflict it has to be the presence of justice. And this is how I make peace with it all.
The red flags you talked about are just that red flags. How would I know who she is/what she is at that point if I have never seen it. All the red flags are key points I have noted. But in real time are easily dismissed as just someone handling something poorly. I present them to you so you can see them. Too often a victim would have a hard time articulating what was really going on. I will discuss more about these red flags and what was actually happening.
As for mental health professionals that may read my blog. Here is your opportunity to see what amounts to an informal case study from a highly expressive victim that took the time to document and research the trauma and pain they went through and tie it to someone who walks through the rain drops in life undetected. You can dismiss it or soak it up. But you are right it is my story to tell and I appreciate you saying that.
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Matt… I am sorry to have upset you. And, I would never dismiss your point of view. You have been through a very painful experience and you have done a wonderful job of telling your story in order to help others. Along, the way, you have invited commentary. As you asked directly… would I tell the victim of emotional abuse that they missed the red flags? Well, I think you have read enough from me to know that this is not the case. But, my theoretical orientation to therapy (which, these dialogues between us are not) does not stop at providing validation to the person. Next, would come work on self-esteem and learning to feel good about one’s self again, and after that would come learning to recognize and identify the red flags…because many people find themselves being attracted to the same type of person, over and over again. As painful as this process is, it is where much of the self-growth comes from…not just in the surviving of the experience. You are a smart guy…I have no doubt you will never fall for this again, but for many people…that is where the real work is. Again, I am sorry that I have given you cause to feel defensive. I will be more careful with any remarks in the future.
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You didn’t upset me Nora. I am trying to press the dialogue of understanding that this painful experience was in fact abuse. There are so many victims of this that go unnoticed or dismissed. I am not defensive for me I am defensive in recognizing in trying to shine a light on what this really is. It’s not a point of view or a misunderstanding or a want for something more than what happened to me. It is recognizing victims of Narcissism. I had it happen to me over 2.5 years. Some people live through it much much longer.
I think there is a gap in understanding the dynamic between a narcissist and their victim. And even what a Narcissist is. I am asking you not to be careful with your remarks but please keep an open mind. Because I value your opinion both as a reader and as a professional. I will continue to present evidence of material and its relation to her behavior. So I hope you will have comments on what you read.
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You should tell your story exactly as you see fit, my friend. I have always admired how you have laid this out. You have packed a lot into this blog… I am unsure how long I have been following you, but I suspect it’s been at least 4-5 months….and in that time you’ve presented your affair, the break up of your marriage and family, the Hailey experience, as well as some interesting dating experiences. It’s been a wild ride for your readers!
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Thank you Nora. I started in December I believe. Thank you for your support since then.
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This whole scenario reminds me of Jesse Stone, a chief of police in a book series written by Robert B. Parker. He was going through something similar with an ex-wife…and turned into an alcoholic (not just because of her, but I think she was at least a partial culprit).
Nora is right, you spent a lot of time focusing on why H did what she did. People who are in love want to understand, hence I get why you’re seeking that understanding from whatever avenue you travel on. Some people who date and fall in love and then have a heartbreak find the hardest thing to overcome is the fact that sometimes, there are no explanations given by their so-called lover/ love of their life. No matter how intense the relationship was. If he (or she) just disappears and moves on without an explanation, or a mediocre, unsatisfying explanation, it can wreck havoc with your psyche.
The question is, can you cut the cord for your your sake? If your assumption is right and this is just another pattern, she will be back.
Will you open the door?
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So I think I will post tomorrow about my intent if it wasn’t clear in this. As to why I am doing this. It is to show people the subtleties of a personality disorder from the victims point of view. It is not as if we fell in and out of love. There was manipulation, conscious and sub conscious. Maliciousness. It is a great question to ask. And maybe the question isn’t will I? The question should be “Can I?”
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everything I was going to say is here in one form or another so I shall refrain and continue reading. x
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