Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 1

I know I flipped my blog on it’s ear yesterday by adding a dimension of psychology to it. I even diagnosed Hailey, I fully admit my lack of qualification to do so from a Medical perspective. But recognize my ability to do it from a victim’s perspective.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I know I flipped my blog on it’s ear yesterday by adding a dimension of psychology to it. I even diagnosed Hailey, I fully admit my lack of qualification to do so from a Medical perspective. But recognize my ability to do it from a victim’s perspective. My apologies to the mental health profession on that one but it’s necessary in order to expose just how bad Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality traits can be.

I am going to address as much as I can. I touched a little on why I am doing this. It is to serve some justice and to unblock my voice as a victim. To shed a light on a Personality Disorder entirely too often dismissed as an inflated ego or arrogance or a desire for attention. Those are just many qualities of a Narcissist and barely highlights the extensive damage they do. Or at the end of the day and it is just Narcissistic traits you should know what you are dealing with.

To start I am going to define my view of Narcissism as it relates to my specific experience. Many of the behaviors and patterns are so similar from narcissist to narcissist. However it is the layer of a unique personality over that makes it challenging to distinguish. Same behaviors but slightly different flavors.

Too often we think of the Donald Trump type narcissist. The one where anyone can see so easily that is has been diagnosed in an entire documentary. I don’t want to delve into politics but even if you asked his supporters if he was a Narcissist they would say ‘probably’.

Which goes to show you that most people don’t even understand what that truly means. Here is a man who is pretty much an undisputed Narcissist and he occupied the most important office in the world. If anyone really new what him being a Narcissist actually meant, they wouldn’t let him on the tour let alone occupy the Oval Office. Maybe we break this down a little later.

To understand how this relationship manifested itself we have to understand who these two people are – Myself and Hailey and how we are hardwired to be. How is she the “predator” and I am the “prey”. How is she able to continue the abuse patterns and why am I susceptible to them.

The Narcissist – as the Mayo Clinic defines the disorder: one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Furthermore it is usually defined by exhibiting a certain amount of the 9 traits. I know there may be other methods out there but this is pretty commonly accepted:

  1. A grandiose sense of self-importance 
  2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  3. Belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
  4. Requires excessive admiration
  5. Has a sense of entitlement
  6. Is interpersonally exploitative – takes advantage of others
  7. Lacks empathy
  8. Envies others or believes others are envious of him or her
  9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Ok but how does that manifest itself and why is that even harmful to people. Aren’t these obvious? And can’t you just avoid these people? Don’t they all behave just like Donald Trump? The answer to these questions is a loud NO!

I actually thought that as well. Narcissists are obvious to smart every day people like myself. But those are what some call Lesser Narcissists. They don’t know who they are or what they are. And they wear there Narcissism like a Polyester Suit.

There is someone who has defined how these traits present themselves. And it from the horses mouth a Narcissist basically selling out is own kind. I am going to refer to this source quite a bit. HG Tudor’s Knowing the Narcissist, quite honestly ‘no one’ is more accurate with behavior patterns than he is. Even the psychology sites. He provides a level of detail on manipulations and behaviors that are so spot on it’s scary. If you think you are dealing with a Narcissist or want to know more about them this blog is a required read. I don’t buy into every theory he has but some of them will just leave you gasping at the accuracy.

He has defined the Narcissists ‘Prime Aims’ as – Control/Fuel, Traits, and Residual Benefits

Control and Fuel is what we will talk about the most. And you will hear the term Narcissistic Supply or Fuel out there from all kinds of reputable sources. Basically victims of Narcissists are Fuel or Supply. They view people as appliances. As a means to an end. What is that end? The Prime Aims.

How much of that do I agree with? A good amount some of it I take with a grain of salt. But he seems to be dead on about Control and Fuel. They aim to control you (Supply) to extract fuel from you. What is fuel exactly you might ask? Your emotional response- good or bad, your love, your anger, your attention, etc. The list goes on. There is a misconception that Narcissists just want to be the center of attention and sometimes that is true. But the most potent fuel is from a singular person admiring and devoted to them. And that fuel positive or negative is premium.

And they will manipulate you to extract what fuel they want or need from you pretty much whenever they want. If you ever wonder why someone is always hot or cold or seems to shift out of nowhere. THIS IS PROBABLY WHY.

Ok I should probably stop right here. This is where the abuse lies. The constant manipulation, gaslighting, provocation good and bad. This does something to the victim that we will discuss in a future post. But make no mistake this is abuse.

Another prime aim is traits. You will hear about how narcissists mirror. Well they don’t just mirror existing behavior. They gather traits of victims and use them in future seductions. As in I see the way that person is behaving I like it and it is useful to me. Now this would seem like a good thing but the purpose of those traits will be used to manipulate for seduction of future fuel supplies. This theory I will buy a bit but I think I see it more in mirroring.

Finally there is residuals. This is most likely for tangible benefits like money, or access, networking, or power. Or in Hailey’s new guys case a place to stay until she finds a place of her own. Which is a function not exclusive to Narcissists so I won’t touch this one very much. Except for maybe once or twice.

Finally I understand there is a trend out there to call the other person in a bad relationship a narcissist. I actually resisted calling Hailey this for several weeks. I called her self absorbed and manipulative but avoided this. But the more I read the more overwhelming the evidence was that she was who she was.

Why did I resist it. Because there is very little hope for someone with NPD. I loved her and I will never know if it was real or not. So being resolute in my view was just another source of pain. But as it has been said the truth shall set you free.

In Pt. 2 I will get into what type of Narcissist Hailey is and some high level reasons why I think she has NPD or at least enough Narcissistic traits to be dangerous. Yes, sadly, there are types. I encourage people to read or skim through the sources I put in if they want to know more.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

7 thoughts on “Broken – The Narc and the Empath Pt. 1”

  1. This and the last post has a lot to digest. So, so sorry that you experienced these things with Hailey. Validation of what you noticed and felt with her, coupled with some explanation of root causes, certainly can help with healing and getting some comfort, feeling seen and heard. That’s’ relatable. Getting at the truth of matters, can set someone free — that helps as well. Sometimes, though, the complete truth can be elusive when it comes to fully understanding other people’s motives and behaviors, no matter how hard we strive to do so. We may never get it though — I even dare to say that complete understanding of another’s behavior may not be fully attained or doesn’t have to be attained in some cases. I say this with gentleness and kindness — and it’s not even just for you but a reminder for us all trying to get over hurt inflicted by another — at some point, even if we think we have enough answers as to why the other person treated us badly, having the answers it’s not the only way to heal. Thankfully it seems like you also find other outlets — dating, running, confiding in genuine people Darcey and Jennifer.

    That being said, I can definitely relate to the need to know why or how — I think that’s human nature. We want to make sense of our world and the people around us. I can’t imagine the fact that she still appears in your life — whether it’s her actually in person or the idea of her in your memories and thoughts and your heart — makes moving through this and healing easy in any way. Hope you continue to heal and find the love you deserve, Matt!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. There is going to be alot more to digest. I agree on never knowing and maybe not needing to know to heal. I have healed from loss, heartbreak, disappointment, etc. before. This was different. I couldn’t put my finger on it and even til recently I wasn’t sure what I needed to heal. But it was in figuring her out I found my answer. While still currently working on it I could more articulate what was going on with me.

      Being an analyst I have trained for 20+ years to notice patterns, behaviors and root cause mostly with data or software. Even with all that i will never truly know what is in Hailey’s head and her heart. She and we will likely never know if she is in fact a narcissist for sure. The narcissist self defense mechanism helps them paint a reality that is safe for their ego so we never know what is really going on what is real to them and what is a manipulation. That being said the narcissism and facade creates patterns and behaviors that are predictable. Even their inconsistency becomes consistent when you know what the flags are to that particular person.

      I have sort of wrapped up my why on her on my own but I am just trailing the blog here in terms of time. I needed to finish my story first (and it’s still not quite over). But I wanted to share with the audience why and how to the extent of what I could. If victims don’t tell their story and what they know and tie it to what that is. How does this problem that is affecting so many people ever get resolved.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Matt, thank you for your post and also for talking about this subject. I spent several years in pursuit of information about the very same thing- narcissistic personality Disorder. If everything was normal and wonderful in your relationship you would not be looking for answers and in that direction.
    It is extremely hard to recover from their insidious abuse but you are on the right track by first identifying what you have been dealing with.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for saying this. It is a hard thing to get over. It’s not like “other” relationships. And often times you don’t recognize the abuse til much later. I am hoping that telling the story and circling back and tying the behaviors to my story can shed some light on what it’s like to be a victim.

      Liked by 1 person

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