Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
So establishing my view of my experience with a Narcissist is important. I found this through just researching Hailey’s behaviors and sort of working backwards. But she didn’t seem like a narcissist. She never seemed self aggrandizing or self important.
But I did notice a few things. She did act entitled, showed a lack of empathy but also showed it at other points, showed envy, and wanted attention. The attention was interesting though. She didn’t want it on a big scale she wanted it on a small one. She lacked arrogance usually the most noticeable output of a narcissist. She even talked about her flaws. And mentioned how her vulnerability allowed others to open up to her.
Interesting. It didn’t fit like a natural puzzle. I needed more answers and then another pattern emerged. Victim playing. She was always the victim in her story. Even when she slept with that guy just weeks out of my marriage. She told me I didn’t give her enough physical attention she had to seek it elsewhere. How is she the victim in that? That is also acting Entitled, Needy, and Lacks Empathy.
She was always the victim with James as well. Even though I knew she provoked him. And then you start to realize this is a narcissistic trait. One that really isn’t listed. It is NEVER their fault. Narcissism can act like a self defense mechanism of the ego and it must be protected at all times. Criticism, accountability, things they have done wrong it can never be their fault. EVER. They will go to great lengths to avoid this. But in Hailey’s case she took it further… not only is she is not worthy of criticism she is actually the victim when it is time for her to be accountable or criticized even when justly so.
Probably why I received a text message or email when she wanted a break up. Never in person. She even played the victim as she couldn’t be troubled with my scolding. But that is skipping ahead a bit. So what kind of narcissist is this. One in hiding? One in the weeds? Then I stumbled on it –
- A reserved or self-effacing attitude – This is how she got people to like her and open up.
- Humility or a tendency to put themselves down – Same as above. Plus Victim
- Smugness or quiet superiority – Yes will explain this later
- Passive-aggressive behavior – Hello Parking!!
- Envy of others and/or feeling that they deserve what other people have – Super envious will explain
- A lack of empathy for the feelings or situations of other people – First hand knowledge of this one
- A tendency to step in and help others out of a desire for recognition rules and boundaries…. – YES! I can’t tell you how many times and I really can’t tell you because it might be too identifiable.
A lot of that is Hailey to a T. But that isn’t a full answer. There was this in regards to the discard or disengagement.
- Start being mean to you a few weeks up to a few years before the final discard so that they can feel justified in treating you as if you don’t exist after they leave. – Yep did this with the dating app
- Treat you poorly and when you react, point to your reaction as the reason for their behavior or as proof that you are somehow unstable or have anger issues or have a problem! – “I am not in a place in my life where I want to be scolded” As if the threat of my scolding prompted her to look on a dating app.
- Delete your number from their phones and all emails, texts, and other contacts. Their hope is by deleting everything, they remove the temptation to contact you and stop holding on to anything connected to you. – Don’t know for sure but pretty sure.
- Leave EVERYTHING behind and just go. They do not do this because they intend to come back and get their things. Not Applicable
- Move to anywhere you aren’t. They will try to put as much distance between you and them as they possibly can! Did the opposite actually. But why makes sense and that comes later.
- Limit their exposure to you in every possible way. This means they will likely block you on social media, unfollow your social media accounts, and more. – Yes she blocked me within a week. She also knew I would avoid her.
- Refuse to meet with you or, if you force the issue and they do agree to meet with you, they will let you know that they don’t want to be there and they will use their body language to demonstrate that they want to leave. – Yep, wouldn’t meet with me at all.
- Ask people who are close to them to not speak your name. “I want no part of your separation”
- Smear you to everyone who will listen and play the victim, shift the blame, repress, project, and do a number of other disordered actions to avoid facing the real truth. – Probably to some extent but probably very carefully as I could destroy her way more than she could me. Remember her dinner with mutual Mom friend.
- Pretend that your relationship never existed. – Yep! “I want to put the past behind me… It’s not awkward for me“ This is pretending at it’s best. She made it sound like I was some acquaintance.
Wow! She almost hit everything on the list. Impressive!! What makes that different than others breaking up? It’s that they hit most of these exact behaviors and it is roughly the same from person to person. No closure, somewhat planned, very manipulative and staged.
I had that staged feeling almost from the jump. Not what she would do but that she was up to something including non-verbal cues. Dating App, My Reaction, Parking, My Reaction, Discard, Follow up Hoover on Social Media, My Reaction, The Social Media Block, Parking again. It was all staged through manipulation. I didn’t even see the execution coming til my head was on the block. She managed to break up and cause pain with just a few paragraphs because of all the non-verbal manipulation. Wow! Also impressive!!
I knew that she was trying to avoid accountability that is why I turned it on her. “Are you saying I am not worth a conversation?” I managed to keep her on the non-victim side of the break up. She tried. But failed. Just as she instinctively manipulated me, I instinctively did not give her any moral high ground. We will find out why. As I find the dance while terribly hurtful also extremely fascinating.
But most would blow up demand to see her, confront her, or lash out. James did. And that allowed her to be the victim. Even though it was her decision and she was the unfaithful one and probably went back to him knowing (actually she told me this) it wasn’t going to work out.
There is even another classification for this here as defined by HG Tudor a range or spectrum of different types of Narcissists
I am going to focus on the Mid-Range. This is the quiet Narcissist. The one who doesn’t know what he/she is. They are the victim players, the passive aggressive types, the best manipulators for narcissists who are not self aware. So there will be reference material and will summarize how the Mid-Range reacts to certain things. As it is the closest and most apt description to her from that sources perspective.
So she is a Mid-Range or Covert or both? I think they are both the same or close enough. Maybe just slightly different definitions or classifications but there is a lot of crossover.
Either way she was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A damsel in distress and always needs to be. She came to me in distress of James, when back to James as a distressed single mother, came back to me because of the distress of James again. Went to new guy because she was in distress because no one understood her not even the man/men (me or James) who was supposed to love her. Her fuel of choice empathy and admiration.
That is how a Mid Range/Covert Female ensnares her next Supply. But why me? Why do I seem to be her favorite toy? Pt. 3 continues with the Empath…