Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
The finale. I am sure some readers are thinking “finally, can we get back to the cat and mouse game already”. But there is a reason the Cat and Mouse game continues. That bond that exists between me and Hailey. What is it? I have seen her, mostly driving, more times than I can count. Even yesterday afternoon and this morning. Twice in less than 24 hours. Is that the universe pushing us together?
Maybe. But honestly on some level it is our desire to be near each other to occupy the same space. And there are times where it is just coincidence. But on some level we are making it happen. I take an extra street or two to see if she is nearby. And she always seems to have something to do on the times she knows I will be headed her way. Plus she has basically surrounded me at this point. More to come on this.
That combination is going to create sightings. But it feeds into something. The notion of signs or meant to be. In dealing with a Narcissist it is challenging enough to get through the love bombing and not come away “In Love”. But the most manipulative thing they can do is make you think that you are their “One”. And in turn you will feel the same.
Thinking they are the “love of your life” makes you hang on longer and tougher. The manipulations are easier and go less noticed. As you feel like you are missing out if you are not with them or can’t be with them. This is something I have done with Hailey. To make matters worse this extends your grief period and makes it harder to heal. If you think you will never find it again and this is the only person it can happen with. It is not only heartbreaking… it’s dangerous.
But what about the Narcissist why do they “feel” that way about an empath. Well they do and the don’t. You are valued on the quality of your fuel and whether you are good supply. They seek external validation constantly and the more you can give them the better they feel. I am sure this is how Hailey feels for me. The “It scares me how I feel about you.” She isn’t quite sure why or how that is. She is drawn to me. She is curious about me. She has driven by me hundreds of times. Just too “feel close” to me. This includes all through the time she was at home with James. She craves my attention specifically.
So what does this create… An Addiction! This article from Psychology Today demonstrates how The cycle of abuse, or as many would say ‘drama’ spikes your levels of:
- oxytocin (bonding)
- endogenous opioids (pleasure, pain, withdrawal, dependence)
- corticotropin-releasing factor (withdrawal, stress)
- dopamine (craving, seeking, wanting)
This can lead to Trauma Bonding and Cognitive Dissonance. Well how do I know, I am not diagnosed with either of these things. True. But you can feel them. I crash after a high of seeing her. Just like a drug. You probably have even heard Cognitive Dissonance in my writing. Which is essentially 2 views of the same person.
- A. She is an awful person who violated my trust and has a pattern of cruelty. She is toxic and damaged.
- B. She was so good to me. No one showed me love like she did. She probably did somethings out of love and all we have to do is be together for her to be better.
Scientific chemistry aside there is a natural chemistry as well. Best said in this article:
“On a deeper, more spiritual level empaths are attracted to narcissists because they represent our inverted selves. Two opposites coming together bring balance. It is alchemy. It is why it can feel like a real magnet pull towards them and why it’s so hard to pull away.”
The attraction between these two people are energy. It is harmony. But it is also very toxic. If the Narcissist just was a taker it probably would be just a fine slightly unhealthy codependent relationship. Sort of like my marriage. But it’s far worse.
At some point in a future post I will dive into the trauma bond and how it has manifested for me. And some might be questioning whether I was even abused. I will reinforce this point as often as I can… the Narcissistic Cycle is abuse. While most operate on instinct it’s design is almost perfect. It keeps it’s victims in a no good outcome state and they become addicted to the highs and lows as there is never a moment of peace. I put a great infographic below to illustrate the high level look at the cycle from this great blog post.
It was asked recently by a few readers if I either would be ‘smart’ enough or would I reject her if she cycles back. The real question is “Can I?” Can I overcome my addiction is the real question. I can’t use my intellect to make my feelings go away I have tried. I don’t want this anymore logically and rationally. Her proximity keeps my addiction fed. And right now the easiest thing to do to make the pain go away is if the opportunity presented itself to let her back in. Because at least for a short time the pain would go away. But no doubt I would be back here writing Pt. 5 or 100 more posts about the saga of Hailey and Me.