Broken – Present Day

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Believe it or not we arrived near present day this spring this weekend. All the stuff I will mention has happened just this past month. Hailey was in full love bombing the guy but I don’t think she anticipated the run-in at the restaurant. She had kind of disappeared for about a week.

Then as I was driving to go home I saw them walking his dog together. We locked eyes this time. She had to cross the red light. Not sure what was going to come. But I had a sense something.

Suddenly for the next 2 weeks her car magically disappeared. I don’t think she stopped seeing him. I think she is just starting to hide the car. Which is intentional a change in the pattern. Which also means she could have done it initially to spare my feelings.

But I don’t even know what the absence means I started to be fine with it. I barely even looked anymore. But this is what they do. It is even classified as a silent hoover. The sudden disappearance. In order to increase your curiosity.

But all it does is give me relief. For the first time since November. I had a moments peace. I could leave my apartment with less anxiety that I wouldn’t run into her immediately. I will always have this challenge with her. She knows my schedule. I have no idea of hers it changes all the time. So she knows when to drive by when I might be on my way somewhere.

Then suddenly I saw her on my way to the house to see the kids. I go most afternoons. She is driving near where my ex and the house are. Then the following morning all near the same place. And then later in the afternoon. I actually chronicled this 6 minute drive with Darcey on the phone. I told her all the spots my anxiety would start to build. I even told her the switch in my anxiety as I got closer to the house. My ex and I haven’t been talking much and it creates a tension that really shouldn’t exist. Ironically that day the minute I said “here is where my anxiety switches”. I saw Hailey. Just a few hundred feet from where I saw her last time. Darcey was like uh-oh. She knew something was coming.

Thursday came and this was the night I had been going solo to the restaurant. A date night with myself. I am trying to use this time to connect with myself, improve and be ok being alone. I had been every week since that run in. Every Thursday like clock work. I was hoping she would see that this was a regular thing for me and she knew not to go.

But I just wasn’t feeling it that day. I just had seen her soooo much. My stomach was in knots. I was telling Darcey I think I am just going to the store instead.

So I did. On my way back I pass my restaurant and I see Hailey’s car. Great but she is walking out of the restaurant ALONE. Dressed up. Fuck! Suddenly I spot her guy. He is looking around puzzlingly walking his dog. I can’t make anything out. I tell Darcey and Jennifer and they say what I was thinking. She was coming to see you. That was the feeling I got as well. But wow! That would have been close.

But now she is busted. I actually saw her busted. And as I suspected she will have to lean back in again to him. Great!! The very next night I decided I was going to go to the restaurant because there is no way she would go back to back nights. Son of a bitch as I am on my way there I see them looking to see if restaurants had any availability and of course that one. Wow!

I find the same thing they probably found nothing is open and I didn’t spot them again. I went back to my apartment and decided on some Chinese takeout. It was down the street from me. So I walked and on my way back I had to run to the store so I passed my building. And as I walk by the restaurant on the ground floor. Yep! there is is. Hailey and the guy. Now, if you believe that she has a right to say ‘this is my town to’ I am sure you could understand the boundary this crossed. Because ‘This was my building’ I live here. I keep walking by go to the store and then walk by again to my apartment.

I do notice that neither of them are happy. I don’t know why. I also don’t know who suggested. If it is her, ultimate triangulation. And wants me to react. If it was him she might have never told him about me or if she did he thinks that this is ok. Either way I am pretty pissed. But I get reminded of the stark contrast between me and him. Just unbelievable. And feel like she is the one missing out. There is no way she didn’t see me as they were at a counter style seating facing out.

The problem with all of the sightings and non-sightings is I am living the cycle over and over again. I feel good on Friday with thier unhappiness and her likely looking for me on Thursday. I even got another high as I walked down the street on the most beautiful Saturday morning to get ice coffee and she drove by saw me probably for the first time head to toe. By the way that is probably the 8th time in 3.5 days. I don’t see ANYONE this much.

But as the day went on I was miserable as the thought seeped in that she is spending the day/night with him. Even though I didn’t really care earlier back in January. Something had re-triggered the cycle of me ‘breaking up’ with her. I would get a high from her validation of seemingly wanting me and then the rejection again when I would see her with him for extended periods of time.

But this time was even different. I really wasn’t causing any of these run-ins. These were all her. She is getting very aggressive. It’s hard to know what she wants. But I do know it’s control and fuel. I am working to rewire my brain to get out of this trauma loop. Because Saturday night I had another sleepless night. And this is catching up. Because this was just my weekend.

This is hard. She is just so present that when she isn’t, it’s noticeable. And then there are two kinds of presence her love bombing/devaluing the new guy or trying to Hoover me. It’s almost sad to see her do these antics.

One of the things about a Narcissist and being on this side is it is disorienting trying to disconnect from this person. You see them for what they are. Yet there is a side of you who still sees a human being. And it’s difficult to reconcile all of this. None of it is logical, you don’t know what is real. And all the hope all the ‘experts’ can give you is stay away. Or ‘when you know you go.’ I haven’t found the what to do when they practically move in with you after a discard.

I just want to walk in and out of my building, visit my kids, go on my run, and eat my dinner in peace. I need not to ride the highs of validations during her hoovers or the lows when I reject those hoovers. Off to therapy, hope springs eternal…