Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
I went out for an Ice Coffee early this week right after my workout and grocery shopping. What I love about where I live is I can walk to these things. However I never know what or specifically who I might run into. So I take a drive by that end just to make sure the coast is clear.
On that drive I see Hailey. She is walking a dog. (Her or His?). I don’t know. She is doing it at a time where she could think I would be running. Possibly. That is my route and my time. Every other day is alternating between strength training then long run. I do run on strength training days but just a quick 2 miles.
I ask Darcey about it. But she is kind of worn out, and can’t blame her for that, I think she tells me what I need to hear but it’s not what I want to hear. I want to understand Hailey’s motivation. And here is where I always get in trouble. If her motivation is to see me it gives me validation. Fuck Matt!! Darcey and I squabble on the phone a bit but quickly resolve it. She knows this pain and she knows it is at my doorstep. She has seen how close everything is and how unavoidable this has been for me.
I decide I need a process. To get it out and then rewire. Talk myself into it doesn’t matter if she wants you. Why do I even want to know. I am bracing for the next run-in. That first one was hard and it feels like I am protecting myself. I am trying to figure a way out.
The following night I went for a run, my long one, and on the way back I see Hailey and her friend the one I had met a couple times. I am on my second lap of my run. And they are crossing in front of my building. Really!? She has been in front of my building 6 or 7 times in the past month. That I have noticed.
Then on the second lap she is walking where I pass twice. She followed my route exactly. So that was twice in 8 minutes. Both on the other side of the street. This was likely for me to see me. But I am going to switch my feeling as best as I can that she was showing her where the other guy lives or something. This is where it gets tricky. I need to keep my addiction from kicking in with validation. But I need to prepare for her making some sort of overture.
Why would I even think it’s for me. Well because this is my routine she knows I am a creature of habit and she is not. She knows roughly when and where I will be. I do not know the same about her. She is altering her patterns of behavior and that creates these run-ins. Intentional or not. But certainly plausible for her if I ever called her out.
And I hate this, it feels like wasted energy, yet I can’t help myself. I know why I can’t help myself. But I can’t ‘think’ it away. You might ask why do you need to prepare? Because this is percolating like coffee and it feels about ready to steam. That means she will reach out or probably worse force that run-in.
And finally because when I reject her, she dives back into new guy HARD. She will want to punish me in some way. And there is no better way than to simulate that break up over and over. And that reopens the trauma cycle. Every time I have seen them together with one exception I lose sleep, I have an irregular heartbeat or palpitations, and can’t eat very much.
Maybe if I know that is coming I can just hide a little. But I am not sure that just doesn’t put off the inevitable. I mean she did have dinner in the place I live. So is it even avoidable? Plus I would be living my life around her. I did that in the beginning but when is enough enough? Like I said the other day. I just want to run in peace, I want to walk out my front door in peace.
I am getting closer to not caring. But it’s still aways off. The proximity is just allowing the picking at the scab over and over. I am waiting for the day it falls off because there is nothing left to pick. But for sure I am not getting any room to heal. And I worry about how much more I can take.