Broken – Now What

So it’s been a while. I had a truly tough week. It goes beyond Hailey and isn’t really much to write about just life being difficult in many ways that lead to bigger problems if not addressed.


Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

So it’s been a while. I had a truly tough week. It goes beyond Hailey and isn’t really much to write about just life being difficult in many ways that lead to bigger problems if not addressed. Sometimes it’s good it would be an escape from my shadow. Except it feels like she is hunting me down. She has walked or driven by me more times than I can even remember. Including one specific incident down below. And yesterday she actually drove into my parking lot. Can’t make this shit up.

I have splintered my blog in alot of different directions. Which is paralleling my life a little bit. An examination of what I believe Hailey is and a recognition of that cause and it’s destructive potential. Along with what it’s done to me as a person. Then what is happening to me now and how there is no escape. And then the lighter experiences of my past.

I haven’t posted since the Doc. Because I don’t know how to move forward entirely. And the aforementioned shit week. Every time I have a plan I start to lose it. I have started to lose some readers as I vehemently defend what happened to me in my relationship with Hailey as abuse related to a specific disorder or specific traits of a disorder. I have no expertise other than knowing myself well and my desire to find out what I was experiencing. I do push people. This I own.

But it is one of the qualities that protected me from god knows what with Hailey. I push back, I push for accountability. I push… But on the flip side I can do it to others as well.

When I am certain of something I try to make others understand. Probably too aggressively. I want them to see my side because I care what they think. And when I know I am right, especially about matters of this nature, it’s a hill I will die on. I never want to hurt people, discredit them, minimize their thoughts or feelings. But I know that people who have experienced this all go through similar things. Trying to make others understand which is compounded by my need to show people my truth.

I am growing numb though. I have done all the things they tell you. Ignore, Gray Rock, basically change your entire life and get therapy while someone passive aggressively keeps themselves in your life just enough so you never heal. So you never forget. I am going to get into why this is so hard to detect but I first wanted to mention why you are never left alone. Incidentally I saw her almost every day last week. We were face to face 12 feet apart. As I parked across from a place I wanted to go and she was walking in to new guy’s place. I was at the pay kiosk and she slowed, I could feel her hesitate but why wouldn’t she speed up?

Her Narcissism will dictate that she is so entitled that she will be offended and wounded that I didn’t respond in some way. What does this mean for me. More time with new guy. More stalking, more sightings. I am making every effort to paint her in the background but it isn’t easy. Yet it is starting to work. Sometimes her efforts are counter to what she wants. Every time I resist a reaction and every time she tries to get one I just grow another scar and it gets easier. But it also has taken a toll on me.

That being said no one should ever have to go through this. If it weren’t for her plausibility I could call it out. And this is the danger in the manipulations… plausibility. She can plausibly be wherever I was. Is it likely that we run into each other this much without her trying?… NO!

I live closer to her new guy and may have been within sighting distance of him alone 2/3 times in 18 months. I have gone through a rough stretch of resistance but am about to go through another. As I begin to start to let this go again she will detect it and likely try to create some sort of attempt. I don’t know what it will be, but they have a sense of when to make this attempt. I have no proof that this will happen other than my gut feeling and the help of the behavior I have been reading about.

You think she would just be done but there is fuel in even her chase and for this reason with these two HG Tudor articles she is unlikely to let go for a long time-

Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you.” –Everpresence by HG Tudor

We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.” –Closure Denied by HG Tudor

Ok that was a little gruesome and much but you get the idea. They never ever go away. We spent 2.5 years in some form of relationship. Love Bombing, Devalue, and Disengage/Discard. She went back to James after 9 months of being on her own. And this was a man she didn’t even like that much at that point. Just my thoughts recently.

As for me I continue to work on myself. Everyday I get up and try to find the things to be excited about. I try not to have the anxiety to leave my house. I have broken my routine a bit one because of an injury. Another because I am tired and I need a break from the Hailey cycle. Despite the horrendous week I am doing well. Better. I continue to get stronger and stronger. Even better a more confident happy self. The sun is shining and I will continue to live my life and tell this story.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

11 thoughts on “Broken – Now What”

  1. I need you to continue your story. There is much to learn from people’s experiences. And writing it down like you do helps to process on another level.

    Readers will either continue to follow, or not. Processing will continue regardless of their choice to stay or leave.

    I’ll email you later. 😘

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love hearing your story and your process. I understand everything you write about and you need to document not just for yourself but for others. How else are we going to make this world a better place. Sending you hugs and much love ❤️🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Matt, I am so glad to read the part of this post that covers your readers understanding of the situation and how you defend yourself to the hilt on this subject. Its an extremely complex and seriously emotionally charged situation you are dealing with and its difficult to try to explain it to anyone. Not everyone can or will see it as you do and you have to walk a centre line in this. They did not create your situation they are just trying to understand it and how it affects you.
    Their insights are invaluable even when they differ from what you know. It’s always good to view it from a different mind set especially when that mind is as clear thinking as our mutual friend is.
    I am too late to give specific warnings here, I am still doing catch up, but damn it Matt, be very careful, Hailey is seriously ramping up the pressure now and I am sitting here worried for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your concern. I defend because there is no two sides argument with a narc. There is no independent view. It has to be seen as abuse and nothing else. It is funny this is where therapy can actually hurt a victim. A dismissal of any feeling or trauma only enables the abuse and gaslighting. You said something about your friend triggering you. You have no control over it. Your body is conditioned you have a neuro response to the trauma. Even if it is mostly the trauma caused by your husband. You were rocked back into a unstable state. You were right that is why I was hyper vigilant watching when i thought she might be close by. Taken by surprise can re trigger that. Your body hurts from it. I am so sorry you have experienced all you did. My advocacy is for people to recognize how serious it truly is. How hard it was for you to escape. You are one of the most articulate and knowledgable people when it comes to this I have come across and we still struggle to get folks to understand. If I can enlighten one person or expose this one one thousandth of a percent I will feel like this pain was worth it.

      Like

  4. Thank you for your kind words, I believe living through this gives us lessons we cannot nor should not ignore. I also believe that we should talk openly and candidly about our experiences, but, in my experience, when people talk to me about it who haven’t lived through it genuinely look at it like we are part of the problem. They can’t understand why on earth, in my case, such a strong minded, confident, intelligent woman would allow anyone to treat her like that. ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’ is the question I get asked the most, ‘why did you still put up with his ‘abuse’ after he left?’ ‘Just shut him down, walk away, turn your back and get on with your life. Get over it!’
    One person actually had the audacity to suggest that I must have enjoyed it all on some level because I stayed married to my abuser for 20 years. Wow did I rip him three new ones and feed him the original through that third one! It wasn’t too great a surprise for me to learn at a later date that he was also a narcissist and he had jumped all over my explanation to his wife because he didn’t want her to ‘see’ him in it. She came to me and told me she had filed for divorce because she finally understood she was not the problem.
    That was 3 years ago, I talk to her daily, she is still trying to divorce him and get a settlement for her and her 11 year old daughter. He has now decided he has ‘long covid and COPD’. (Victim playing) He can’t possibly have long covid, he never caught COVID in the first place! He also doesn’t have COPD he has 99% lung capacity! He actually stood in court and declared that number to the Judge. When the Judge asked him to repeat what he had just said he responded with I have 65% lung capacity Sir. The Judge told him ‘you just said 99% now it’s 65%?’ And here comes the gaslighting of the judge, ‘no sir, I said 59%.’ The judge nearly blew a blood vessel he was so furious and he called him out for his blatant gaslighting. That is just one small for instance. Regardless, he has lied, manipulated and even flouted Judges Orders twice now throughout this too long process of family court and he refuses to hand over a single penny to them. If you think living with or having a relationship with a narcissist is bad, try divorcing one who has money. Bloody hell, that is a completely different rabbit hole you disappear down.
    He is the only person I lost patience with, everyone else I have used analogies, taken snippets of examples from their own lives and shown them how, when magnified and expanded upon, that tiny criticism becomes a very different beast, I then explain that if they take the new beast they are now looking at and drop it randomly in every available slot in a day, that criticism begins to work its way inside your head like an ear worm. If you hear something often enough you will begin to believe, once you believe, it is very short work to add to that one criticism a whole boat load of them and before you know it, you hate yourself for your obvious inadequacies, you begin to see you the way they want you to, and you try so very hard to fix it. The fixing thing, that gives the narcissist a new angle to come at you from and once again you are in that downward spiral of devaluation. The main problem at that point is, you help them to devalue you because you actually agree with them.
    Watching ‘innocent bystanders’ reactions to the above explanation is an experience in itself. Its a mind fuck and they genuinely struggle to expand the size of the criticism to a state where it could cause that kind of mental anguish. Part of me is always glad they can’t, because at least some people are spared the pain of what we lived through and still live with in the aftermath. I want them to understand, but I am glad they have no reference for it in their own lives. I still talk about it though, to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen. In my opinion Education via the child in school is the absolute best way to eradicate this pandemic of abuse but until that happens, we shall keep chipping away at the mountain everyone tells us is a molehill.
    It is abuse, plain and simple, but in this life where everything is a new buzz word, people become deaf to what we are saying. I use the analogies because it is then relatable to them again, not just a fancy new word. Gaslighting is the most difficult thing to explain out of all of the abuse arsenal. I refer people back constantly to the origin of the term, which was a film from the 1940’s called Gaslight (1944) that explains it perfectly. Funny really, narcissists are not that inventive, they are still using the same techniques today as portrayed in 1944. I guess they just can’t evolve.
    Keep your mind safe Matt, it’s the only way you can beat her. Be kind to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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