Broken – Disengagement/Discard

This is maybe the hardest thing to deal with. The abuse stacks up but you don’t necessarily feel it all until this moment. It comes crashing down on your head unlike anything I can explain.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

This is maybe the hardest thing to deal with. The abuse stacks up but you don’t necessarily feel it all until this moment. It comes crashing down on your head unlike anything I can explain.

Most people call this the discard. I actually agree with HG Tudor in this case that it is disengagement. As you are just done for now for a moment. But in Hailey’s case she never left the relationship. She just changed the dynamic and disengaged to a non verbal whatever the fuck this is.

How can I tell? She is getting a kick out of seeing me everywhere. The way she touched me and said hi if I were still hers. Like she did nothing wrong. And I know her, I have been on the other side of hints of her enjoying this. She will say she doesn’t for plausibility but she always seems to stick around for drama.

My pattern in this has been a relatively short devaluation then silent treatment and disengagement. I have figured out why my devaluation is so short and my silent treatment is so long. Simple for a narcissist I am hard to control. I am also a stickler for accountability. I don’t traffic in bullshit. I won’t play games.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be a person of your word. Be a decent human being. Well during these periods it was the worst of Hailey. Any visual towards it I would call it out. It would be like a constant wounding to her. She called it scolding or me being hard on her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am easy on anyone until it’s time not to be. And then I can be a real using the word again- stickler. Own your shit! I own mine.

Back to the disengagements. I was disengaged from 5 times. Let me repeat that 5 TIMES!!!!! All in a span of 18 months. There is a reason why she likes the disengagement because she also likes the hoover. She has never ever once told me she doesn’t love me anymore. Even to this day.

Why because there is never closure, there is never a conversation, a reconciliation. Why because if they have disengaged with you and have lined up your replacement, you may as well be dead. They have no care for you not even enough care to end the relationship. But they also don’t want to. You were a good supply before and you will/may be again.

Not once in those 5 disengagements did we have an in-person conversation. I even pointed it out in my shortly after leaving my marriage reply. When I said “This feels weird you are taking space and we haven’t even had a conversation.” If I had googled it then I would have known.

Each disengagement was progressively worse. It was awful. And I think this is a good video to describe it below. It is general but it covers the gist of it. She will use the term discard, and will point out when they are done they are done. But in reality it’s only done for the stretch of time until they see you again. Until they want to extract fuel from you.

Then comes the Hoover. I was discarded though last fall, there was more of the more “finality” of her language and that she dated someone within sight of me. But after appearing on her radar in February. I am in a perpetual Hoover cycle. One sighting after another, dating app attempts, and finally the friendly “hi” the other night. Hoover can be both malignant and benign. She maybe trying to piss me off or trying to win me back. We won’t know. I won’t let her get that close.

And after the confrontation with the 200th opportunity I have given her to do the decent thing. She can go fuck herself on whether she is pissing me off or wants me back. I don’t care and it’s liberating to say that. It doesn’t mean she has no affect on me I am not there quite yet. But I resisted each and every hoover except when she crossed the boundary of touch and pretending like nothing happened. FUCK THAT and her disengagements and discards.

I hope she sees me everyday and whether it gives her fuel or breaks her grinch like heart… I don’t care. The way I feel is way more important to me now. And that is a very dangerous place for her to be.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

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