Broken – Not Sure

Now that I have said my piece my curiosity is winding down. It’s still there but only from proximity. I have had such a tough time lately, life is totally kicking me in the pills, none of it regarding Hailey except the run in. But this story was largely about her and me.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Now that I have said my piece my curiosity is winding down. It’s still there but only from proximity. It is even diminished my drive to blog. Although I have had such a tough time lately, life is totally kicking me in the pills, none of it regarding Hailey except the run in. But this story was largely about her and me. But right now I have Hailey fatigue. Or maybe life fatigue. Who knows?!

What I do is I normally grind through these periods. I am not as generally happy as I normally am, but you would never know I was getting my ass handed to me. I just keep picking it all up. But I am not sure what to do with the void.

Maybe not fully letting go was about filling a massive void she left in my life. Or I wasn’t ready to be done. Feels different now. More numb. I feel like I am recovering from a bad hangover but after the headache when you are starting to get your senses back. It’s sluggish and in moments you feel great but you aren’t quite all the way there.

But I am pretty alone at this point. There isn’t much in the way of anything to distract me. Which actually might be good. Exercise has become my main non-work/non-family focus. It is going well in that department. I weigh about as much as I did in my early 20s with more muscle. It’s shocking to step on the scale and see what I see. Or even when I don’t have my shirt on.

It’s been body transformation stuff. I am happy about it. I have never had a bad body but it’s never been a plus so to speak. I am not sure what to even do with that. But it reminds me I need to be more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable on my own. Being with myself. It’s not like I have a problem with these things in general. But in the relationship sense. I haven’t been this alone in my life.

I am resisting the urge to dive deep into a relationship or even date in this moment. I need a break. I need to work on who I am and what I want. And the truth is I am not sure. I have let the dreams with Hailey finally go.

But what are “my” dreams. When you have been a co-dependent and someone who puts all the needs of another person first it’s hard to find yourself. Or what is important to you. It’s disorienting. It’s a funny thing to say but you almost feel not worthy of it or maybe you just feel too selfish. I quite honestly don’t know what to do with it. I have never had this opportunity since my early 20’s. And even then i was only serious about my career. And it was probably only for a year or a few months.

In future endeavors I need to resist the urge to ‘help’, ‘fix’, ‘care for’, etc. as the way that makes me feel whole. I need to understand how to share and what reciprocation actually means. Honestly it makes me uncomfortable at times. That being said when I met my ex-wife and Hailey. I had dreams of a strong couple. The other person was independent enough in order to bring balance and be a strong partner. That wasn’t true for either one of them. I did all the heavy lifting. So maybe I wasn’t being honest with myself or really looking at that part closely enough.

On the flip side I hate complicating things. If you are looking for too much or trying to thread the needle it can be too picky. But i just wanted to give you all an update of where I am. And my thought space at this moment. The good news is this is what dominates my thoughts… my exercise, work, kids, maybe a vacation… even though on Friday I saw her 3 times in 45 minutes and this morning on my walk to get coffee. Both times I varied my routine trying to avoid her. But there really is no avoiding it but it doesn’t really do much to me… (Sigh) I should have yelled at her a long time ago. Hope everyone has a good week!

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

9 thoughts on “Broken – Not Sure”

  1. You have been through the ringer, my friend. A long, unhappy marriage followed by a pretty traumatic dating experience which lasted a couple of years. Being alone for a bit may afford you the time and space to just be you….heal, become emotionally whole again, figure out what you might want for the future. One healthy place to put all that wanting to “fix” things/others energy may be a little volunteer work. I know your work keeps you busy, and you are focused intently on exercise, but you might be able to find something you can do just a few hours a week that makes you feel really good about yourself. Or, maybe a new hobby or evening class? I am really sorry to hear that life is “hitting you in the pills” right now…hoping things start looking up soon ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Nora! All good suggestions. I actually do volunteer. I think the void is in the relationship itself. As an empath when someone needs to help something inside of me lights up. It’s a good thing but not something that should be foundational or maybe not as important or as something that is an attractive quality. My plate is so full right now. Blah. lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s great, Matt! What kind of volunteer work do you do? I am not currently doing any but really want to get back into it. I am keeping up with my blood donations though and I feel very good about that.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so hard when someone has consumed your entire day and night for so long. The void you feel is extremely hard to deal with. I do hope things start to get better, and it’s probably best right now you have time to heal. You have so much to offer the right woman. Be easy on yourself and spoil yourself from time to time you deserve it after all that’s happened. Sending hugs my friend

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are sooo sweet. I am doing better each and every day but other things in life are being difficult. But I will get there. That night was important being able to say my peace. I will take those hugs. You hang in there too.

      Liked by 2 people

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