Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
Now that I have said my piece my curiosity is winding down. It’s still there but only from proximity. It is even diminished my drive to blog. Although I have had such a tough time lately, life is totally kicking me in the pills, none of it regarding Hailey except the run in. But this story was largely about her and me. But right now I have Hailey fatigue. Or maybe life fatigue. Who knows?!
What I do is I normally grind through these periods. I am not as generally happy as I normally am, but you would never know I was getting my ass handed to me. I just keep picking it all up. But I am not sure what to do with the void.
Maybe not fully letting go was about filling a massive void she left in my life. Or I wasn’t ready to be done. Feels different now. More numb. I feel like I am recovering from a bad hangover but after the headache when you are starting to get your senses back. It’s sluggish and in moments you feel great but you aren’t quite all the way there.
But I am pretty alone at this point. There isn’t much in the way of anything to distract me. Which actually might be good. Exercise has become my main non-work/non-family focus. It is going well in that department. I weigh about as much as I did in my early 20s with more muscle. It’s shocking to step on the scale and see what I see. Or even when I don’t have my shirt on.
It’s been body transformation stuff. I am happy about it. I have never had a bad body but it’s never been a plus so to speak. I am not sure what to even do with that. But it reminds me I need to be more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable on my own. Being with myself. It’s not like I have a problem with these things in general. But in the relationship sense. I haven’t been this alone in my life.
I am resisting the urge to dive deep into a relationship or even date in this moment. I need a break. I need to work on who I am and what I want. And the truth is I am not sure. I have let the dreams with Hailey finally go.
But what are “my” dreams. When you have been a co-dependent and someone who puts all the needs of another person first it’s hard to find yourself. Or what is important to you. It’s disorienting. It’s a funny thing to say but you almost feel not worthy of it or maybe you just feel too selfish. I quite honestly don’t know what to do with it. I have never had this opportunity since my early 20’s. And even then i was only serious about my career. And it was probably only for a year or a few months.
In future endeavors I need to resist the urge to ‘help’, ‘fix’, ‘care for’, etc. as the way that makes me feel whole. I need to understand how to share and what reciprocation actually means. Honestly it makes me uncomfortable at times. That being said when I met my ex-wife and Hailey. I had dreams of a strong couple. The other person was independent enough in order to bring balance and be a strong partner. That wasn’t true for either one of them. I did all the heavy lifting. So maybe I wasn’t being honest with myself or really looking at that part closely enough.
On the flip side I hate complicating things. If you are looking for too much or trying to thread the needle it can be too picky. But i just wanted to give you all an update of where I am. And my thought space at this moment. The good news is this is what dominates my thoughts… my exercise, work, kids, maybe a vacation… even though on Friday I saw her 3 times in 45 minutes and this morning on my walk to get coffee. Both times I varied my routine trying to avoid her. But there really is no avoiding it but it doesn’t really do much to me… (Sigh) I should have yelled at her a long time ago. Hope everyone has a good week!