Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
I typed this up just a couple weeks after the discard/breakup/whatever you want to call it in November. I wanted to remind myself of what I felt like at the time. As I never got to use my voice. Obviously I confronted her recently and she got a a very condensed version. This was before I knew what lied underneath her behavior. When I thought she was still a human being. I chose to take the red pill. – The terms “red pill” and “blue pill” refer to a choice between the willingness to learn a potentially unsettling or life-changing truth, by taking the red pill, or remaining in contented ignorance with the blue pill.
I think it’s a fascinating moment in all this. As I read it again I pretty much noted all the narcissistic behaviors. But didn’t think of her as one. I knew what she was doing and what she was targeting. I just didn’t know why. This is the problem with that abusive behavior. You see it but there are no answers. The now answers part is what compounds the abuse. And that is what is hard for people who have never experienced narcissistic abuse have a hard time understanding.
There have been signs, will share more on this soon, that are tough to ignore that I need to use my voice and confront this beyond the 5 minutes I took a few weeks ago. I don’t really want to but it feels more ‘necessary’ than I thought. And today I am giving that heartbroken Matt his voice from back in Nov/Dec. The one he should have been able to use. To tell the person that Broke him what they deserved to hear…
Hailey- I never understood the reason why you never wanted to break up with me in person. I think I understand now. I hold you accountable. For the way you treated me, for the things you said we would do, for the things you told to me. Like loving and adoring me. It’s hard to reconcile all this especially this last time. I don’t think you can face it. You are ashamed and you should be.
I know you think I was tough but being held accountable and saying your words meant something to me is normal. I just wanted to know why. It has always been about why with me. I love you so much and couldn’t fathom treating you with anything less than love. Even if you no longer wanted me.
I guess I never got over last December when you first broke my heart when you dated and slept with someone else at the worst moment of my life. I did forgive you but that was the first time I really doubted your intentions with me. Certainly when you left again for James and your kids back in March I was upset but could understand it more. But that was a tough few months leading up to that I never really settled with you. You were so uncertain about life during that time. You were in your head. So 2 years waiting to be able to be with you and when our time came. It was not great.
It took me months to get over you. I was moving on but always thought you might be there in the future. I knew you wouldn’t be able to sustain a relationship with him. I was not expecting you back though in July. When you came in and told me that you missed me and loved me. And that it was a living hell. You told me to wait. You knew you couldn’t ask fully but that and our subsequent dynamic told me you wanted me to.
Those following weeks I caught the old glimpse of you. But you did something reminiscent of your time with me before. You were vague about your plan and our future. You were never this way when you were fully invested in me. I wasn’t even sure your future included me. So i began to ask and you may think even pester. But I had been waiting for you for soooo long. And i had to trust you wouldn’t break my heart in such a short time.
After just a few months I saw that you began to start living a little bit of the single life. Going out late with girlfriends, being social. And when i pressed you on it. You told me life was so tough and it was so hard. You just had nothing left to give me. I didn’t buy it and with good reason. I had an affair with you for 19 months i knew exactly what you can give. But as usual I gave you the benefit of the doubt and space. I didn’t hear from you for 2 weeks and then you appear on a dating app. I mean no conversation no nothing. My heart was still with you and you knew that. It hurt so bad.
When I called you out on it. You were defensive and blew it off. I had no idea at that point where we stood but i knew you weren’t in the mood to talk to me. So I left you alone. Then a few weeks later I started seeing your car everywhere near where I live. You may think I am stupid but leaving your car there was intentional. It was meant to draw me into some interaction. And you gave that up when the second day I saw it I just asked to talk to you. And you said “I am not where you think I am” it’s a dead giveaway you were expecting to hear from me.
I don’t know what the purpose was except when you refused to have a conversation you said “not now” I had been suspecting that you had started dating anyways. But it seems that you are seeing someone regularly. In my neighborhood. This was awful enough to begin with but my god a couple streets away. When you said “I am sorry the way things ended” in a single text as if we had dated for a couple months I was heartbroken. I cried like someone died. Not only were you ending things, but you are giving what I waited 2.5 years for to someone you just recently met. Overnights, Time, Fun. All that i ever asked from you. And for some reason 3 separate times you couldn’t give me. After all that we had been through to get there.
In the process of our break up, if you want to call it that, you were cruel. Your last message was so cold. Not wanting to be “associated with my separation”, Telling me “You will be fine”, Then saying “I will not avoid you”, but you had been for 6 weeks, you said I will say hi. As if I am some acquaintance. You wanted to put the past behind you. And you think you do that by pretending like I never existed? That’s not how it works. You never said, I am grateful for your love. Or you are an amazing person but… nothing loving or soft like I had meant something to you. It was cold and unnecessary.
I don’t know why you would do that. I don’t know why you would then troll my soon to be ex-wife liking her posts on social media. We had discussed this and it doesn’t reconcile with not wanting to put the past behind you. It was hurtful to me as I don’t want the reminder of you right now. I also know you have been driving home from your overnights around the time I have been going back home from my morning routine. You know this window. I know it’s intentional. But why? It’s not a coincidence we passed each other 6 times in 2 weeks.
If you are done… let me be done in peace. It is going to take me a long time to get over you. I sent you a sweet letter and asked for space and you insisted on passively aggressively making me aware of your presence and basically saying “no”. I will never understand this. Are you throwing your new situation in my face. Is this something I deserve? I know it isn’t but these are questions only you can answer. I know you would deny that the social media thing and the drive bys are doing what you always do. But I know better… I know you better than I know just about anybody.
At the end of the day my heart is shredded for all the reasons mentioned above but none more than the simple reason… I loved you. Probably still do. I will forgive you in time. But I will never forget this year and how terribly you treated me. Coming back and asking me to wait and within 3 months dating someone else. Before you even left home. How many men will you do this to? You came to me before you left James, you went to someone else before you left me. You have unresolved relationships all over the place. You aren’t the victim Haley but you are leaving a trail of them.
…That last part of forgiving her. Probably not going to happen. When I realize how all intentional everything was and how she toys with my life like a game. It’s truly unforgivable. We will see. At this point it’s more about letting go than forgiveness.