Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
So that revelation was interesting and it raises questions, so many. To understand it you really have to understand narcissism. Every action she took since the disengagement/discard was Narcissist 101. Predictable. Honestly I wasn’t discarded in November. It happened this week in the smear message.
A normal person or someone lacking a full understanding. Would be like you are crazy Matt. She has a new guy. She has her kids etc. etc. She is just driving by she lives there right?
I want to outline a conversation HG Tudor had with his therapist. I picked this up midway through but this will help illustrate how they think…
“So you determine when the relationship begins and the pace at which it proceeds and this relationship never ends?”
“Yes.”
“But some of the instances of your intimate relationships that you have described to me certainly fit with the concept that they have ended.”
“Not at all. If I have cast someone to one side because, as they always do, they have let me down in some way, then I will not let them walk away. They might think they have been able to do this. Indeed, in certain instances I encourage that train of thought so that the person’s defences remain down and thus they are susceptible to me resurrecting our interaction. Nobody leaves me and I do not leave anybody. They will always serve some kind of purpose, at some point and therefore there may be a pause in our interaction but there is never a cessation.”
“What if the other person decides they no longer wish to interact with you?”
“Why on earth would they think that?” I asked puzzled.
“Well, your treatment of many of them was harsh and unpleasant.”
“But no less than they deserved. People need to know their place and if they step outside of that they must be brought to heel.”
“Why?” asked Dr E.
“Because I gave them everything and each time they repay me by letting me down. That is unfair. Each time I give them the world, I really do doctor and no matter how wonderful I am to them they do not do enough in return and they let their affection become dull or they fail to provide me with the adoration that I deserve. It is wrong and they must be made to see how wrong they are punished for their transgressions.”
“So you maintain a relationship to punish the other person?”
“In part yes, but it is usually because they still prove of use to me and they have their debt to me to repay.”
“I see,” remarked Dr E and he continued with his writing.
“And when do they repay this debt?” he asked.
“That’s the problem doctor, ” I said with a sigh, ” they never do. That is why I never let them go.”
I know that was long but you it is important to know how they think. In Hailey’s mind I betrayed her and crossed a serious boundary. I was loyal up until the night she tried to touch me and say hi at the restaurant, as if that wasn’t crossing a serious boundary. She thinks she is entitled to my loyalty, to my silence, to my neighborhood, and to my fuel.
She most likely thought I wanted her back or was unsure. Then came the fallout. She tried to get me back under control after that night I confronted her with continuous walk and drive by’s but it didn’t work. I never took the bait. And it cause him to be curious. By the way the walk or drive by has been her method of showing interest in me. Keeping me under control and extracting fuel.
I screwed up her plan the night I approached him, so glad I did this it caused her to out herself. And that is two worlds colliding. She CANNOT have that. And that is when I threatened both of her supply’s me and him and that is a no no. The other thing to understand is Fuel/Supply. This comes from Choosing Therapy.
Some common forms of narcissistic supply are:
- Accomplishments, such as winning
- An addictive substance or activity
- Attention
- Compliments or praise
- Emotional energy (can be positive or negative)
- Feeling powerful (having power over you)
- Feeling in control (being able to control you, and thus, their environment)
- Finances
- Living arrangements
- Sex
- Status
The list is not exhaustive and narcissistic supply can be as unique as the individuals involved.
Imagine that this isn’t an exhaustive list and it can have different machinations based on the Narcissist. Just ugh. Hailey is fueled by all of it. But her Triangulation isn’t just about Male admiration. That is likely giving her too much credit. Triangulation is her preferred method of supply. It gives her pretty much all of the above. She can control, feel powerful, create emotional energy, on and on. She can check almost every box on the list.
She triangulates everyone, women, men, and even her children. She can triangulate with other people or objects that are meaningful like a basement, nirvana t-shirt, and yes a necklace. Hailey has become really good at it.
I have figured out her pattern. 3-4 months of Love Bombing, then the fuel/supply runs stale. Then she needs to triangulate. That is the timeline she told James about the affair previous to me. That is the time she told James about her affair with me. That is the time she started sniffing around me with this guy. That is also how long she was with James when she went back before she showed up at my door.
Then there is a loooong period pretty much as long as she can take it with Triangulation. Any time her partner gets settled she needs to cause chaos. And that is typically 3/4 months Usually after the first of 5 stages of a typical relationship. Just about when reality sets in and things start to get settled.
But she also triangulates when she goes out for dinners with non-intimate sources. It’s always just one on one. She needs to control that and find her fuel. Dish the gossip. Talk about others. Those people are never a threat to exposing her and likely never even get damaged by her unless they get close. She only has one or two really close friends. But they likely get truth fragments form her. Enough of her not so great parts but not enough to show how awful she really is.
This isn’t just about positive attention it’s about output. A person close by to her needs to be providing something or many things on the list or they are useless. And this is abusive. And over time that abuse is devastating. And it typically it settles in, just like it did for me… While watching them in another relationship after they have disengaged.
They don’t always manipulate for a specific outcome, they do it just for supply and fuel. This is a great meme on what it’s like.
So everything since November has been intentional. It’s not because she moved downtown and “haha we run into each other all the time.” She moved him downtown then moved herself downtown… why? She needs the supply the constant of that energy from me along with him.
It’s taken every fiber of my being to stay calm and collected. Break down in private and put on a brave face in public. The universe gave me a little assist in terms of what I did when I did.
I was able to disrupt this by being patient and waiting for her to come to me. Collecting evidence determining what was next and what I needed to do. Then beating her to the next punch. If I never had done this I may have been a victim of her abusive behavior indefinitely. They lose control when you no longer care and can show you no longer care.
I don’t care about her fuel anymore, I don’t care about her relationships, I don’t care to wish her well. I do care that I am free for all that and that is the most important thing. But being free from these people doesn’t end as long as she as proximate and she considers me a potential source of fuel. I know this now. I will always need to keep some sort of vigilance and keep her at bay. And that is a little sad. But for now I am a walking time bomb to her. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her whole life change in the next month or so. This is what she does when the truth is close to surfacing. I hope this means my neighborhood is mine. lol.
The thing is… is she an awful person? Sure. But that is underestimating it. She is awful because of the narcissism. Not the other way around.
Broken 