Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
In the wake of hurricane Hailey and trying to put a bow on this entire thing from my life’s perspective, I have come to start to see the silver linings.
I will still cover the dynamic in terms of sharing what might help people in a relationship with an abusive narcissist but it will just be reflection. I am not feeling the pain of that much these days.
It is pretty much time to reflect on a year in the context of this relationship, the pandemic and what has happened to me. Isolation from family and friends while dealing with Hailey and I have shared some reflection but not everything since this happened. While this blog has been hyper focused on the dynamic between me and Hailey, my life wasn’t consumed by it even if most of my thoughts were.
I am not a great multi-tasker, Darcey will agree, but the beauty of being an empath is I have had a lifetime of practice carrying around emotions, mine and others, while still having the ability to live life. To grind it out or to even prosper when the time arrives.
I started a gratitude journal. It has big gaps of time in it. But it’s there when I need it. I have enough to be thankful for and even more than that somedays.
My kids. They make me proud on a regular basis and yesterday was no exception. I wish I could tell you about it. But let’s just say as a teenager one of them is already a community leader. And I can’t believe what a lucky Dad I am.
Darcey and Jennifer. They are good friends. I have people I can talk to and expect a response. I am grateful that they came into my life when they did.
Sex. I have had quite a fun time with exploring, even if I have been a little slutty at times. I think the universe owed me on that one though. I learned about myself quite a bit and gained confidence with sexuality. And sleeping with one guys girlfriend and ex-wife is comedy for years.
My apartment. I have created a space for me and it looks nice. It’s like a little bachelor pad and most like coming here. Even if I haven’t had that much company lately. It’s ready for it when it happens.
My readers. You guys inspire me to share more and share honestly. Writing this has been cathartic. You even inspire topics. Today is inspired by someone personally and Naughty Nora. Nora reminds me that you need to read about the other parts of me and my personal friend reminds me that I need to share context more. Thank you both. Or for Nora “Spank You!!” 👏
My health. At the beginning of the pandemic I committed myself to this. I actually did a burning ceremony in which I visualized my health. It sounds so hokey, but fuck, it worked. Your health is an ongoing journey there are no destinations. But it has been great. I have physical results and have spoken about.
There are also mental health strides. In discovering things about Hailey I more importantly dug deeper on myself. I am and was always very self aware, especially on how I might affect others. But I didn’t really know what to do with my own energy for me.
It was something I never even bothered to invest time in. Any time I tried it seemed like life had other plans. Until now. Darcey turned me on to a bit of meditating. And you know, it works! I have an empath meditation thing I like to do that grounds me and pushes out everyone’s feelings so I can focus on me. The flip side is I am like full of energy when it’s done. Like crazy run through walls amounts of energy. I do it before workouts mostly. And wow!
And to people when you encounter an introvert, HSP, or an empath please be kind to that/them. I know no one asks us to carry their shit around for them. We just do. And sometimes we need to put it down but realize that almost every empath is carrying the emotional burden for someone else. Ok off soap box.
I have sought out therapy. It’s been slow going on that front but it will become a part of my life at some point. But just being aware and putting it on my list is a big step.
Most of the time I have a pretty good life. I have great kids, I am in the best shape of my life (except my joints… those are every bit middle aged), I have a good community, have a great run route, I have regular places I go to that people know me, and I now have friends who saw me through a tough time and hopefully will see me through happier times.
The blog is called Broken and while I stand by that brand, I realize that sometimes we need to break to rebuild. To burn what you don’t need to the ground to focus on what is better and what fills us up rather than what drains us. This relationship is always going to remind me of that. Don’t surround yourself with people who drain you.
But it’s when you look at where you came from that you can appreciate where you are. And when you fall down again you remind yourself that you rebuilt before and can do it again. And maybe just maybe I needed this fight. I could have done these things without for sure, but maybe it was the push I needed.
It took an abusive and heartbreaking relationship to focus on me for once. And that is going in my gratitude journal today. And I will remind myself that Hailey deserves no credit for that. Darcey, Jennifer, My Kids, Readers, and most importantly I deserve that credit. All she did was break me a little. We picked up the pieces and created a better Matt. A stronger and healthier version and thanks to her decision about “working downtown, staying downtown and moving downtown” she gets to witness it almost everyday… just one more silver lining.