Broken – I Have No Game

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

So when I know a woman is into me it’s game on. I can take the lead, I can be assertive, agressive, etc. Before then I am as shy as can be in terms of making moves. I try it’s awkward. Most of my life is based on feeling other feelings.

In dating that can manifest itself in feeling uncertainty. What is the uncertainty… is she waiting to see if I like her, is she wondering if she likes me, is she wondering if it is long term or short term, or maybe she is wondering if she will sleep with me. Who knows?

That uncertainty makes me uncertain and puts me in a descending spiral of awkwardness. It’s almost like an out of body experience. The other night I was out walking the dog and immediately as I crested the outside there was this tallish very cute blonde girl standing outside looking in the restaurant. By herself… friday night… dressed up.

Uh hello. I said “the food is good if you are wondering.” She introduced herself to my dog and petted her while I told her about the neighborhood. I asked her a few questions like when did she get here? What have her experiences been? Etc. etc. It was a nice conversation she even asked my dog if she wanted to go have dinner with her. It was all very cute.

I was going to meet Darcey so joining her really wasn’t an option. But damn it no name or phone exchange? No “Hi! I am Matt welcome to the neighborhood. If you don’t like this place. Here is my number the next one is on me.” I was engaging right up until that moment. Instead I uttered out “nice to meet you” and took my dog back upstairs. As i went to my car I saw her inside… alone. My god!! I am like a teenage boy again.

The truth is I never learned this skill. Being an INFJ it kills me to ask for that next step. I want to spare everyone the awkward possibility of saying “no”. Darcey and I talk about this quite frequently as even though she is introverted she is far more direct. It was an article that she shared with me here about dating for an INFJ.

But it was a comment to the article that struck me and is so spot on…

“Reality is, an INFJ male is still expected to make all the initial overtures when everything in their INFJness screams not to, rejection seems to be amplified exponentially for the INFJ male; why? Because to get to the position of actually approaching a woman, the INFJ male has thought out the million possible scenarios, analysed them all, lived and died through every one of them, gone through the terror of of making the decision to go against every fiber of their INFJness and against all rational thought and sensibility, swallowed hard and taken the risk….

And chances are, while our INFJness is usually right in assessment of situations, there is still a far lowish chance that we will be liked and accepted…. and therefore know of the inevitable expected rejection… which drains and can kill our batteries like no other thing in life...

And for the record, I am not saying INFJ women have it easier than INFJ men in everything…. not at all… but in this scenario, I am amazed that any INFJ males ever get into a happy and committed satisfied relationship 😉 (I certainly haven’t)“

The truth is I couldn’t process that fast if it was the right situation. It felt right. I would much rather take risk here but the essence of who I am stops me. I over analyze and break down. That is why I prefer apps, i don’t like them really. But at least I know the woman on the other end thought of me attractive enough to match.

I will continue to try and get better at this. I have only aggressively pursued one or two women in my life. And the truth is my Dad left me when I was young. Was close by but I never had a real relationship with him. It compounds my INFJness with Daddy issues and fear of abandonment. I am a recovering codependent. I have experienced so little unconditional love in my life that I am afraid even before I get to ask someone out. Not just for that reason but also for it all. Abandonment, INFJ shit, relationship experience.

It’s strange because it’s not a lack of confidence. I feel like I am a pretty good catch. But I know that is subjective. So I am self aware. But I will always think of that one time it didn’t work out and that will just stick there. I could have success 99/100 times. I will remember how awful that one time was. Unfuckingbelievable.

Great tik tok on showing what this would be like. This shows it with a phone call and I relate so much but this is pretty much with everything with me. Sometimes I am amazed I am a functioning human being.

@bryanrussellsmith

This is anxiety #phonecall #wine #phone #anxiety

♬ original sound – Bryan Russell Smith