Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
That is how long it takes to break addiction. I am no longer addicted to Hailey. But I may have a problem with the drama. This is hard for any normal person to understand. I hate drama. But yet here I am steering into it at times. I don’t regret anything I did. But I have really cut the cord to her. I now need to cut the cord to the drama.
I am sharing a podcast again because it is that good. In it they talk about the addiction to a narcissist. And it really isn’t them that you are addicted to. It’s the highs and lows. Just like a drug. You go up and down and you are addicted to the highs. They just happen to be your supplier. And even now sitting next to her the other night while it sends a message and I was able to do it with relative comfort. I am still getting a hit, a injection.
I am making a great statement that I am not bothered by her. But I am steering into the drama in the process of doing that. Why do I need to do that? I don’t. I essentially have to withdraw for 21 days. I will likely be low. But the best thing is I don’t need to stay off of some chemical. I can go have some fun and find some peace. But the last part at putting this down is to let go of it all and give my self the space I always deserved.
I had this epiphany recently as I wanted to start putting pressure on her and her relationship. “I just want her gone.” I said to Darcey. She talked some sense into me. And the very next day I saw them walking down the street together. Very close we were all walking a dog. I wanted to run up and show him why he should not be walking the street so confident.
But within minutes it was like hitting rock bottom of just “what the fuck are you doing?” inner monologue. Who gives a shit? I have done so well I am just getting sucked back into another circle of all this. Every time I let go. It pulls me back in some form. Even if it is not all that damaging.
Truth is if I want her gone I just need to disappear for a bit. I help fuel her relationship and it keeps her fuel supply flowing so well when she is here and with him. But more than that I just need to take care of me and let it implode on it’s own. It’s the final step.
21 days will be hard. Not because I don’t want it. But because of proximity. I always wanted that space. I even asked her kindly for it. But the proximity is a bitch and this morning I really had a hard time walking the dog without her car in sight. But I varied my routine just enough to avoid any crossover. An opportunity or two is coming up to disappear for an extended period time. So I am going to try to stitch it all together.
I think I always resented this part. The work I have to do because she is such a fucking asshole narcissist. But alas I am going to try to make some fun out of it. Quite honestly I could use it.
Don’t worry folks even if I didn’t do this I would be fine. I just want to get the remaining junk out of my system and not be tempted. It will allow me to sink into my summer without a distraction. I already have a few fun things planned and I am looking forward to a few things.
I will blog the 21 days starting today. I will document this journey for you. Even if it is mundane. Plus it will keep me honest on how I got through each day and the effort I will need to STAY AWAY.