Broken – 21 Days – Day 5

Day 5 was fine. Although I walked out the front of my building to let the dog out. And maybe have bumped into him. Thank god I can’t tell as he had a mask on and looks like every other millennial with scraggly beard and a hat on.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Day 5 was fine. Although I walked out the front of my building to let the dog out. And maybe have bumped into him. Thank god I can’t tell as he had a mask on and looks like every other millennial with scraggly beard and a hat on. I only thought about it for 2 seconds.

But what happened this morning is what is pertinent, I drove at what I thought might be a safe moment to go to the grocery store. It was a necessary trip and then disaster. I saw her walking on the street. Couldn’t miss it. I am frustrated. I only made it to day 6. I am debating on what to do now.

The purpose of this exercise is to stop the chemical dependency on drama. To not want to seek it out. I am not trying to develop the habit of avoiding her. That clearly is never going to work. What I am trying to do is counter to what her plan all along she would always be able to get the hits off me. Ensure I didn’t forget her. Or whatever. She put me in the middle of her and her boyfriend. Both literally and figuratively. This way she can do the “normal” routine and I would be apart of it. I am the new James. And it sucks.

So now what? This is frustrating.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

22 thoughts on “Broken – 21 Days – Day 5”

      1. Well, my opinion (and I know you didn’t ask for it, so please take it with a grain of salt) is that you do not reset the clock. This was bound to happen. You just keep going and continue on your journey of not getting caught up. I realize that this feels like a set back today, but there are going to be set backs. You’ve compared these intense feelings to addiction, and there are always set backs in recovering from an addiction. So view it as that, and continue to just go about your day. You are doing great!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I am inclined to do the 21 days and just keep on keeping on. The issue is “The inconsistent, incongruent behavior of the narcissist creates a strong chemical addiction! The combo of being on high alert from the abuse and the pleasure and ease from the wining and dining after the abuse triggers the production of this neurochemical and a biochemical bond to the narcissist.” –

          My goal was to break this chemical addiction. Mine has continued in the form of validation when she wanted to see me and abuse from her reactions when I denied/rejected any overtures. Even though i did the right thing it still keeps the chemical dependency alive.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Well, in my opinion, this does not make you helpless. There are many kinds of addictions…alcohol, food, drugs. I recently gave up alcohol and it amazes me how many ads there are for it on Hulu (which I cannot escape, they don’t let you fast forward). My point is…the temptation will always be there and so you will need to learn to condition yourself away from this reaction. It will take time. It make only take 21 days to change a habit, but breaking a true addiction takes much longer. You can do this. But start by changing your thought… you are in control of this thing now. Chemical addiction or not, you make your own choices…and you’ve got this!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Alcohol and any chemical dependency on a food or drug is with an inanimate object. While I am in control of my actions. Drugs, food, or alcohol get nothing from my misery or my reaction. But a thinking human being who moved herself and her boyfriend in order to continue to have her fuel will seek out wanting me to be tempted. A needle doesn’t inject itself into someone’s arm or show up on someone’s doorstep. Temptation is one sided in all of these things. You CAN control not having alcohol. I CANNOT control where Hailey goes. Conditioning myself away from my reaction is not entirely just within my control. While I continue to do it, it will take me longer if I see her.

              This isn’t something to think away. I have said this many times. And it is a chemical addiction (dopamine) once you have the alcohol/drug/food you get a hit. Whether you wanted it or not. I can’t pretend this away, I can’t choice this away, I have tried at least a half dozen times to push her away so I can heal. I wish I could articulate this in a way so you could really understand. Because when someone makes it about my reaction and not her treachery due to her disorder it feels invalidating and quite frankly frustrating.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Yes, you have said “this” many times….but it doesn’t make it so. This type of thinking…is keeping you stuck. Our brains are our most powerful muscle. You keep thinking that I don’t understand…but I do, so much more than you know. And not just from personal experience, but also from having witnessed it a million times with clients. I’ve seen many people make real change in their lives…but not when they stay stuck in the thinking you are in. The only way to get over this is to change your thinking. Yes, the feelings you experience from this drama, and the chemicals released into your body when it happens, is real. But you can still overcome it. Start getting your dopamine hits elsewhere. I am not saying this is easy. But having this big of a reaction to seeing her walk down the street… it’s not helping you, and you CAN try to change your thoughts.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Let’s level set. I didn’t have a big reaction to seeing her walk down the street. I had a small reaction. But it’s not a reaction I can control. My heart skips a beat I can taste the adrenaline. Each time it happens it gets easier to control my reaction and I over came it every… fucking… time. I have only lashed out twice and both because her and her fucking guy crossed a serious boundary. I have been changing my thinking or at least I think I am, but you aren’t also saying how that actually happens. All I was trying to do was expedite the process and go 21 days to cleanse my system. I never said anything other than if I get a chemical hit do I reset the clock. Or do I just let time take care of it.

                  I can’t control my bodies reaction when I see her. I don’t know when and where it will happen. And don’t tell me you understand… until I hear something from you that sounds like you have dealt with a a victim of narcissistic abuse or that you have suffered narcissistic abuse yourself I won’t believe you. I have never heard terminology that remotely addresses these things. It’s not about heartbreak. I have had plenty of that as well and know what that feels like.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. Matt….it sounds like I have overstayed my welcome on your blog, my friend. I am sorry that my differing views from your narrative bother you so much, I really am. But…just like you, I am who I am, and my own experience and education guides my thinking. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey of healing from this traumatic relationship. You have really been put through the ringer. I hope you will understand why I am choosing to no longer follow your blog, it just seems like the healthiest choice for both of us. Please take good care, Matt.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. Nora I respect your choice to not follow. It bothers me when someone invalidates my experience because that is the off shoot of narcissistic abuse is lack of belief. Why victims have a hard time coming forward. Honestly it feels like you are saying don’t wear the short skirt again Matt or you might get assaulted. Maybe that isn’t whats happening here and maybe it is. But I am authentic as well. Friends can disagree even passionately. I don’t disrespect your experience but I do question whether you are recognizing what is really happening. You asked me to change my thinking that is not something that happens overnight as if therapy doesn’t take time especially when the abuse is ongoing.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Matt… I am not in any way invalidating your experience, so I am sorry it feels that way to you. And I have never thought that how H treated you was your fault (short skirt theory). I DO believe that you are in control of you at this point. Now that you are aware of what happened, of what Hailey is, I do believe you are in control of your own choices. While seeing her may induce a physiological response in you, I believe you are still in control of what comes next. And…changing your thoughts absolutely takes time… I was never saying this would happen over night. But next time you see her, and you will because the two of you live in the same neighborhood now,….try to say to yourself.. I am in control. I choose not to let her presence bother me. I am strong. Or…something like that. Overtime, you will come to believe it… I promise you that. It has always bothered you that I don’t use the same terminology as you, and that is because ethically…I don’t speak in terms of diagnoses, especially without having met with someone on multiple occasions. That would be terribly wrong of me. I think it is fine for you to do so as a lay person, but my profession requires me to abstain from that practice. I don’t label people with disabilities, depression, or anxiety either…so, sorry I couldn’t jump on that bandwagon with you. I see you are going through a very hard time…but it shouldn’t bother you quite so much that I might look at your situation, as an objective observer (I have no stake in what happens or doesn’t happen here) and have my own opinion about it. Not everyone is always going to see things exactly as you see them. Lastly, yes…friends can disagree…and very passionately at that. But when I read through our responses to one another, I just feel that I am causing you distress…and that is not my goal at all. You have enough going on without having to deal with a nosy, opinionated reader on your blog. That is why I am wishing you all the best and sending you all the light and healing that I can.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    3. But I have been doing those things and I have controlled what’s next. It doesn’t bother me alot or hardly at all. Neither do your comments. But I don’t like to be patronized and you are doing it again… “Lay Person”, You are ethically above making a diagnoses but not about therapizing me? You don’t think I know the “fake it til you make it” strategy? You were the one that took great offense to me diagnosing Hailey not the other way around. I have been fighting your characterizations and that is ignore the abuse and heap the responsibility on the victim. Or that is what it feels like.

                      And that has been your bugaboo about this entire thing. I the “lay person” had the audacity to come off as someone who knows something about a personality disorder. But you see that is the entire stigma of narcissistic abuse. Watching others minimize what you go through. And trying to diagnose it through the narcissist and saying you can’t because it violates ethics. When every Expert will tell you that it is more easily diagnosed through their victims. And that in lies the trouble with this disorder.

                      If you can’t talk about the abuse side you shouldn’t be offering me “advice” on the victim side because that is an incomplete approach to what I went through. Because all I hear is tough love and zero empathy. Look back at your comments… “I have empathy but”… you know what they say about every word before “but”. You are not causing me distress I actually appreciate your discourse it highlights how lonely this can be. Even as a friend and as a cheerleader you have doubts about my experience and trauma and thats ok but don’t expect me to accept your opinion. I am doing this to shed a light on this and the absolute insidious nature of what a victim experiences and how relentless it can be. So not because “I don’t like your opinion Nora” or you are causing me distress it’s part of the “mission statement” for this blog, so I have to fight your characterization because it ignores a big part of what I am trying to share.

                      If it helps you, I recognize my own obligation to heal. To change. To improve and grow. But that obligation is to me and me alone. Nora if you choose to no longer follow I understand. I wish you the best as well. I am quite honestly fine. I share a tiny bit of my day as it relates to what I am going through because it’s part of the story. Hailey has very little impact on my life and I thought it was a good opportunity to get rid of the physiological reaction. I was frustrated it didn’t happen because of her intention to box me in where I live. That was all. It was 15 minutes of my day to experience it and blog it. And wonder if I should reset. Felt like you took it as an opportunity to re-try your opinion. And I rejected it.

                      Liked by 1 person

  1. Nora is making some great points.

    Besides, if you no longer feel love or lust toward her (which it sounds like to me that you are over that part) then you’ve already begun the journey of recovery. It seems like you’re mostly just irritated that she’s in your orbit.

    If you still have deep regret at the “what if” or “if only”… then it may take longer to “dispose” of the idea of what she represented once (love, future etc). But I get the feeling you’re not really longing for her anymore, quite the opposite.

    You are doing so well. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. See my comment above this has nothing to do with love or heartbreak. Of course I am irritated she is in my orbit because it’s intentional. Wouldn’t anyone be a little pissed if they had to see their ex almost daily since their breakup. Does everyone forget she managed to disappear for 5/6 weeks right before this. As her absence was intentional so is her presence. She does it in cycles. She does it to extract fuel. She does it in an attempt to control me. I don’t think she lives her life around this. She set this up by moving her and her boyfriend here so she can do “normal” things and still get what she wants. I am the new James. And yes it pisses me off.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so sorry you’re still dealing with this crap. I hope my comment didn’t offend. I get it – I certainly remember breakups in a work situation and having to see them continually… She is selfish and cruel. You can do this Matt.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t reset, keep moving forward. You’ve got this, and better yet you are in no way the new James. You know why? Because you’re not going back to her, you’re not making overturns to her or seeking her out. I know it’s harder to do than just say it but if you do run into her act like she’s a stranger or better yet pretend you hit an invisible wall. Look past her, the fact that you could walk by her and act like she’s not even in your peripheral vision is a great revenge. It takes practice, I know I’ve done it but it’s a sweet sort of revenge and it’s freeing. Don’t let running into her set you back, unfortunately she’s there to stay for however long, you can’t punish yourself she’s doing it not you. If you were seeking her out I would say you have a serious problem, but like life in general shit can’t always be avoided. Just keep moving forward, it will get easier my friend

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am not comparing my self to James. I am just saying that is how she sees me. I am just resetting the clock nothing more. I explain in my next post that it is not about looking past her. I do that now and have been doing that for months. I sat next to her one night and never looked, acknowledged, or even breathed in her direction.

      I am trying to rid the chemical reaction in my body that has a reaction to seeing her. I can’t control that. Also it is about changing the habit of looking for her when she may be near by.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get that, without realizing it I look for my friend, and nights have been the worst in missing him. I wish she would fall off the face of the earth, move to the other side of the country and just go away, but its not that easy and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this

        Liked by 1 person

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