Something happened that required my attention the other day. So I haven’t blogged. I haven’t seen Hailey since Friday and it feels great. That was for a few seconds. It has been well over a week since I had to reset. But even then it has been largely Hailey free for 14 days. It’s nice.
I have been running and working out and added a new song the other day. And it reminds me of my relationship with Darcey. “I need a Dr.” By Dr. Dre featuring Eminem. There are times where I am Em and she is Dre and then it gets flipped. But it is about their relationship and how they believe in each other. And the self doubt when you are pioneers in your industry or believe in something and how you can draw haters pursuing it. It can be applied to anything.
And they add a touch of “Fuck You” to the doubters. It feels right. It gives me that “Hope” and “Angst” a combo that I just love. Something pure but with edge. Because they got it right… if you are a phony fuck off who needs you anyways.
Which is ironic because I am more of a diplomat in my professional world. A team player a team oriented person. Same with sports but there is a reason for it then, it’s about winning and success and fuck you to teammates doesn’t work. You have to believe in each other. You don’t have to like each other.
But Darcey is different. She feels like my teammate the one that I like. Belief in me is hard to come by. I have an edge. I will tell you what I think, I will hold people accountable. It was undoubtedly the end of my relationship with Hailey. She did terrible things but that wasn’t it, it was me holding her accountable for them. And in some small way that is always the case when I lose people. I held my ex wife accountable at the end as well.
I will always try the diplomatic route until I can’t but once I am done, I am done. I will die on that hill. I will hold you accountable and I will be unmovable. I am not sure how I feel about this, it’s just in my INFJ DNA. It costs me relationships. But are they worth having if you need to die on a hill? Or hold someone accountable when they can’t be accountable themselves?
Footnote here… Dre is one of the most influential producers/artists music has ever seen. I don’t think he gets enough credit for it. He was one of the geniuses behind NWA. He found Snoop, Tupac, Eminem, the list goes on. And he redefined and created a huge universe for Hip Hop and he still he had doubters.
But he just needed one believer and Em was his hope. And the ones who believe in us and each other are the the relationships worth keeping. That combo always seems to come out on top and I have such gratitude for those people.
But to tie a nice bow on this. Narcissistic assholes will always prey on you when you are at your weakest or lowest. They will ensnare you with love bombing or push you back in the dirt depending on where you are in their cycle of abuse. Dre was right… “Fucking backstabbers!”
Also I added dips to my workout as a tribute to Dre. And I might rename Darcey to Dre or Em. lol!!