I kind of saw her but that whole stay enough away to not make eye contact or directly see her face worked. I went for my run it looked like she was at the restaurant. But I used peripheral vision. Then the same when I went out later for dinner.
I only noticed her by her friend. So instead of looking at her I looked at the person next to her. It was confirmed when I caught them sort of following where I was going. I saw her friend and the blonde head and I immediately crossed the street and transcended the block. She is such a pain in the ass. Good thing the other place was crowded and I went a couple blocks away. Or she may have pinned me in.
My staycation with Dre is coming soon. We are going to whore it up in a big city. Getting through the next week or so should be “easy”. I do have some pressing work stuff. TMI here I have been getting way more erections lately. But it had me thinking about things.
As an INFJ deeper connections are more important. And for all intense and purposes my dick is connected directly to my heart and brain. Even for casual sex minus a few moments I need to feel a connection. But that fucking “N” in the INFJ… intuition and being an empath on top of it. I have to “feel” everything. I had issues with staying hard with Hailey. Why? I hadn’t really with anyone else.
Was my intuition trying to sabotage me? Was it deliberately like… This chick is bad fucking news. I am taking away erection privileges..? I thought initially it was cause I was so attracted to her, I would instantly overheat. That last part is true but not so sure about the first one.
I swear my body was a five alarm fire when she walked through that door last July. I asked her “why she was there” almost immediately. But it’s not just about her. I have considered some group sex/swinging recently and I literally can’t just “do it”. The woman will have to be attracted to me and show me that. I can’t be just a dick. lol. What is wrong with me?
Sometimes being a complex person is great. I can connect with someone’s soul but the other times it can be a big fucking nuisance. Intuition is great but it’s like the TV is on just a little too loud and it can overwhelm you suddenly.
Sometimes it keeps something from happening it costs me early in dating like the first few dates. I am trying to “feel” if this person is attracted to me. And I forget to show my own interest. My intuition is looking for something like permission to give it a go. Probably a bit protective of rejection and awkward moments.
There are silver linings when you suffer from abuse or a toxic relationship. There is a lot of examination. Self reflection. And one of the big ones is knowing yourself better. We are always stronger when we “fail” or get knocked down. This isn’t an ideal path to self discovery but I know myself better than I ever have. I feel stronger than I ever have.