It wasn’t unlucky. Nothing really happened yesterday or the day after. I got in a great workout. That’s it. So I wanted to take this day to talk about the rules of a narcissist. And their main one speaking from their voice here… “You must adhere to rules I can do whatever I want” Or “Do as I say not as I do.”
It is one of the first red flags when you are with someone who is a narcissist or even toxic. First of all on the base level you aren’t sharing a partnership if your rules are different. I think back to all the times she expected something from me and I let her down. If I expected 1/100th of the same I was asking too much.
It is described specifically well here from HG Tudor about their inability to give you support unless you are being love bombed. The great takeaway – “Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us.“
I saw this over and over again. Any time I was in a vulnerable position she would manipulate to exert control and not offer any support at all. Not when she was single the first time. Offering no reassurances of our love only that it was at risk. Not when my life was crumbling apart she wanted the attention on her. Never even recognized that the pandemic might be difficult for me. Only for her. And finally when it came to the area where she was most hypocritical dating while the other was in a marriage.
But when I was newly single, she wanted reassurance from me. When I was single and she went back home, she wanted reassurance from me. When we were with our respective families on the weekends early on, she wanted reassurance from me.
She wanted my empathy for her marriage and her plight in life. But only cared when it was convenient or she wanted something.
The different rules is likely the earliest of red flags in a relationship like this. The first that give you that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach thing. But it is also an opportunity to match that feeling with something concrete.
The trouble identifying them is because they are fluid. They change their behavior based on their needs and your reactions. So there is never stability or consistency for you to discover who they truly are. But if there is an early detector this “do as I say not as I do” is it.
It feels like this is manifested by the narcissistic trait of entitlement. The ability to think your life, feelings, and needs are more important than anyone else’s. And that their “stuff” should be put first.
Even after the fact her entitlement to move in next to me. To put her boyfriend in my neighborhood, to touch me that night, to even say ‘hi’. All is entitlement. She even felt entitled to tell me to “stay away” or give her space when she won’t give me mine. Different rules right up until the end.
And I think back to that first time after just a few weeks of knowing her, her asking me to pick her up and drop her off while she was drinking at someone’s house. The risk she asked me to take is one I would never ask her and she would likely just ignore my text and count on my empathy to not be mad. That isn’t the way she saw it for herself. Until she realized she might lose me over it. Right then and there… 3/4 weeks into our relationship, she unmasked herself for a moment. And had I paid closer attention and knew what I knew now I could have saved myself.
That is why I tell my story from this viewpoint. To show how hard it is to recover from a person like this and to warn those that might see it now.