Broken – Fending off The Relapse

I have had the tendency to want to out the truth again. I want to bring the happy couple to their knees. Not because I want to hurt anyone but because I want justice. It’s been the hardest notion to fight.

I should have probably known this about me all along. I was fascinated with Superman above all other superheroes when I was younger. The most pure, fair, maybe even naive super hero ever. He had to be, he had almost unlimited power. He could be police, judge, jury and executioner.

But he was always Superman (Kal-El) and his alter ego was Clark Kent. And that is what makes Superman unique. He was born Superman. I love how this is described in Kill Bill. Basically he says that Clark Kent is his critique on the whole human race. Weak, Unsure, and a bit cowardly. While not a direct analogy that is what I feel like some days with this. I have to put on the costume and let it die.

And it reminds me because lashing out or “being Superman” all the time is easy. Wouldn’t it have been easy to be just Superman all the time? He doesn’t… why? It must be hard to suppress all that power. Powerful men everyday wake up and wield it like a proud sword.

It’s because of empathy. It takes empathy to hold back your power. To refrain from hurting someone a little just to gain a little. Maybe wielding this power helps my temporary mental state. But what happens after? Once the tooth paste is out of the tube.

The truth is I don’t stand to gain a lot just a little. And that is not worth exposing my Superman or alter ego for that matter. But there are days that I just want her gone for good. The anticipation and desire become so high for it. To watch her slink out of this neighborhood in shame.

And Hailey does deserves whatever fall out there would be. Truth and justice will have it’s day but just like Superman I can’t force it to happen. I can’t rush to justice just because the last few days I have been triggered.

I think the victory is that I recognize this early on and immediately change my behaviors. Instead of indulging by making myself present and inviting the conflict that I know will be bad for everyone but worse for them. I force myself to focus on my well being. It still frustrates me that I have to take the higher road. While justice waits, it should be served quicker. People should know there are people like this and they should be exposed for who they are so they don’t continue to pile up the victims and heap abuse.

I should never have to convince anyone of my plight it should be quicker. She is entitled to move a guy in two buildings next to me, date him, and frequent the same places I do. But that entitlement is what makes her a fucking asshole and a narcissist. And allows her to attempt further abuse.

And that I shouldn’t have to point out to anyone. Not all is fair in love and war and if you believe that than you would also believe that I should ruin their lives. And like a narcissist who paints people good or bad… I am painting this story as the same, but with the comic book like spin. There are no two sides to a story with a narcissist just one… good vs. evil. I will try to live up to those standards even if I come across a little kryptonite.