So my battle with sleep has taken an unexpected turn. I went from struggling to get to sleep to struggling to stay awake. What gives? I did change my sleep aid but that shouldn’t impact me so much throughout the day.
I had a thought… is my body finally catching up with the rest of me. Is it finally letting all of it go. Sometimes the mind precedes the body. For a while I was hyper-focused on the damage done by Hailey. Lately it’s a bigger picture thing. It’s about shaping my mindset moving forward.
After a bad marriage and a terrible relationship where is my head and heart at for the future? This is the question that dominates me. Maybe there is peace at arriving here. I am reflective of the damage done by both relationships and what that means to me moving forward.
I have even had thoughts of do I even want a someone special in life. Or do I rove from companion to companion with more of a focus on myself. I do and don’t like being alone. I lean towards wanting a partner. But right now when I get up in the morning… I am the only person that needs to account for my time and what I do during the day. And that is appealing.
But where this leaves me is in a state of uncertainty. And that I don’t like or haven’t been comfortable with. However based on the fact that I was able to sit on the couch last night snuggle with the little princess (dog) and fall asleep tells me something. I am not sure what yet. Perhaps a level of contentment that I haven’t had in a while even with the uncertainty. Sometimes this sleep happens to me but it is usually on a weekend when I am just flat out exhausted from the week.
I will say I am happy with myself for recognizing this change and being self aware to try and give it some meaning and purpose. To want to know what is going on with my mental health. My best guess is that sub consciously I am letting go of my past. I have had quite a few reconciliation dreams lately. And sometimes that person inside needs their voice heard just as much as our conscious self.
I sensed a change coming from a few weeks ago, I think that little relapse fend off and some frustrating moments this past week are actually good for me. It was more of an annoyance than a setback. And maybe that annoyance is me like oh would you just give me a break. Allowing that moment that we all have where we throw up our hands in the air turn around and walk away for good.
This isn’t just about her. I made a change and some progress on the ex-wife front as well. Or at least started something. We will see. I am cautiously optimistic. It is starting to trend in that direction.
Footnote: You can see one of the Frenchie’s eyes are open on the picture. And yes this happens. I never know if she is watching me or just has an eye a little open because of how she is sleeping. It is creepy AF.