I made this joke the other day my life is like A Christmas Carol. I am basically confronted daily with my past, present, and future. I feel like Ebonezer Scrooge not knowing which one I am about to wake up to.
Except all three happen all at the same time in a never ending loop, like Groundhog’s Day. Oh I just realized as I was typing Bill Murray was in a movie called Scrooged (changed the title of my post to it. 🙂 and also as everyone knows he was in Groundhog’s Day. Great Broadway adaption by the way thoroughly enjoyed the musical.
Anyways I am daily confronted with the ghost of my past in the form of Hailey and my ex’s anger. They are omni-present. Then the lightness of my present. My friends (all girls by the way) and a little a bit of care-free fun. Then of the uncertainty of my future. I guess everyone’s future is. But I haven’t set any direction other than a focus on my well being. And most people have goals or direction.
The issue is these three things can overlap and effect each other. And probably take up an equal amount of my time which is pretty rare. I am trying to take small steps to put the past in the past. So I can help determine my future.
Mostly what does “family” life look like moving forward. This has been extremely difficult as my decision to end the marriage is being relived constantly. It provides an excuse for my ex to basically forever excuse any shitty behavior and then point to that decision so it’s forever my fault. No matter what happens.
It’s a pain in the ass. Subconsciously I know she is trying to punish me and it works. But really at the end of the day she is punishing the kids. They feel the arm wrestling the most. So the focus is on my decision and only holding me accountable for it. But not the crappy marriage with equal weight. It is unfair and quite frankly disappointing.
Unfortunately I knew this was going to happen but I never really thought of a great way through it. Perhaps I just need to let it run it’s course. Which sucks. One thing about being an INFJ and if you are dealing with them. Whatever reality you are in. They saw it coming. We run the never ending scenarios to boil it down to a few.
Darcey and Jennifer will tell you I have predicted and have always anticipated things. But truth is I just look at all the scenarios of possibility then look at the one that is most likely to occur. And most of the time that is exactly what happens. I wish I had more faith in it otherwise I would be a great negotiator.
I want to bury my past or at least my recent past. It is just full of so many things that hurt. It is tiring me out. It really wants to badger the fuck out of me and maybe it is the universe continuing to tell me it’s not over with these things or put them to bed already. Truth is I would love to but the people that I need to do this with are not cooperating.
I am tired of being the only adult in the room and living in Ground Hog’s Day. I am not sure of whoring my way through it is going to get the results I was hoping for. But it was worth a shot. 🤣