Broken – Ripple Effects and Patterns

The ripple effects of trauma are a bitch. I had a fight with family last weekend and it hurt me deeply. It is about something I care so much about and fighting a narrative that isn’t true. So it is frustrating on top of it. Conversations are impending but the dust needs to settle.

It has triggered my trauma sleep pattern though. For the past 7 or 8 months I have been in and out of some pretty severe responses by my body. The one that manifests the most is that I am waking myself out of a sound sleep just as I hit that point. Like that moment in study hall when you realized you were sleeping in a place you shouldn’t.

I do this throughout the night and even when I try to take a nap. My body responds as “you can’t rest you are in trouble” kind of way. I was exhausted by Sunday in and out of sleep. This is basically my body saying it’s in trouble and it should be on alert. My body is telling me a lot of things lately.

So the pattern of Hailey trying like hell to get me to respond only to have her reinstate herself with her guy has gone on it’s 5th or 6th iteration. I saw her while I was walking up my street. That’s right she drove up my street and went to a take out place at the end of it. The place is not really on my street. It is at the top of the block in the middle of two streets. She could have gone one more down. Same distance and easier to park. Nope!!

She was coming out and I was walking. I ignored her. I could feel the energy of her disdain of me not paying attention. She had been hiding her car for 2 weeks then right after that she goes right back to loud and proud. She genuinely sees those as opportunities to bring me back into her fold. And then feels rejected when they don’t go like she anticipates, can you imagine the entitlement. After that she goes right back out in front. This will last for 2 weeks until she sees me again or when the fuel runs stale.

Exhausting. I am desensitized but not unaffected. The good news is I live my life. I am having a good time although Summer Whore Tour has caught up and my body is like “Fuck You”. “You couldn’t drink 3 nights a week when you were in your 20s, what the fuck makes you think you can do it now?” Ok Ok. Sheesh.

This is what it’s like in my head right now. The trouble is I have a hard time just relaxing or sitting still normally. Add on the fight, Hailey, and it being summer I just want to get out. Oh well. I am actually happy it’s Monday. Work, Gym, Laundry. Sounds kind of nice.