My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.
Darcey pointed this out… her need to not be forgotten is unlike anything she has ever seen. And that is what it is. A benign hoover to remind me of her existence and a little hit of fuel for her. I wonder what she thinks these days. I am almost certain she is seeing someone else. But I really don’t care. I can walk or go out most nights and breathe easy.
Not that this was about winning but I feel somewhat vindicated. Although I hurt myself badly the other day by continuing to workout past a small injury that I had that turned into a bigger one. But thankfully I avoided disaster but not by much. Work has been so challenging. And separation to divorce is just blah.
Uphill all the way sometimes. These are our character moments. When we constantly get knocked down. But perspective is important. I have to go through this bullshit to get to where I want to go. Sure could I catch a break and not get hurt. Yes. But I look forward to my future still. I have good moments I want those to turn into a longer course.
But I do feeling like I am chasing it. Unsettled. I am not sure if it is the pandemic or that I have been conditioned to feel this way. I am trying to tie up loose ends at work first. Then with family. Then hopefully I can resume some sort of normal future life and make space for other things.
I wrote the above part yesterday figuring not much would have changed to today to post… but just as you think you are out. I was on my run home and I see Hailey in the restaurant we both go to just down the street. Her car was parked in that place I noticed her that very first time. I showered and walked my dog. I walk past that restaurant for the dog walk but figured she is inside and I can walk by outside.
Don’t you know as I already passed the restaurant going out for my walk and then coming around to pass it again on the way back this time on the same side of the street of the restaurant… She stepped outside the restaurant just as I approached. Taking what looked like a fake phone call (half a minute maybe 45 seconds). Seriously WTAF! It really has to be seen to be believed.
I wonder what fantasy she has conjured up in her head about us. And how things unfolded. It is beyond comprehension that she would ever want to be this close to me and not feel an insane amount of guilt. Sometimes I have envy for someone so painfully inward that they can’t see the damage they cause. But alas it’s gross.