Broken – Still Here

My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.

My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.

Darcey pointed this out… her need to not be forgotten is unlike anything she has ever seen. And that is what it is. A benign hoover to remind me of her existence and a little hit of fuel for her. I wonder what she thinks these days. I am almost certain she is seeing someone else. But I really don’t care. I can walk or go out most nights and breathe easy.

Not that this was about winning but I feel somewhat vindicated. Although I hurt myself badly the other day by continuing to workout past a small injury that I had that turned into a bigger one. But thankfully I avoided disaster but not by much. Work has been so challenging. And separation to divorce is just blah.

Uphill all the way sometimes. These are our character moments. When we constantly get knocked down. But perspective is important. I have to go through this bullshit to get to where I want to go. Sure could I catch a break and not get hurt. Yes. But I look forward to my future still. I have good moments I want those to turn into a longer course.

But I do feeling like I am chasing it. Unsettled. I am not sure if it is the pandemic or that I have been conditioned to feel this way. I am trying to tie up loose ends at work first. Then with family. Then hopefully I can resume some sort of normal future life and make space for other things.

I wrote the above part yesterday figuring not much would have changed to today to post… but just as you think you are out. I was on my run home and I see Hailey in the restaurant we both go to just down the street. Her car was parked in that place I noticed her that very first time. I showered and walked my dog. I walk past that restaurant for the dog walk but figured she is inside and I can walk by outside.

Don’t you know as I already passed the restaurant going out for my walk and then coming around to pass it again on the way back this time on the same side of the street of the restaurant… She stepped outside the restaurant just as I approached. Taking what looked like a fake phone call (half a minute maybe 45 seconds). Seriously WTAF! It really has to be seen to be believed.

I wonder what fantasy she has conjured up in her head about us. And how things unfolded. It is beyond comprehension that she would ever want to be this close to me and not feel an insane amount of guilt. Sometimes I have envy for someone so painfully inward that they can’t see the damage they cause. But alas it’s gross.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

10 thoughts on “Broken – Still Here”

  1. We have to accept that they can’t move on, it doesn’t mean that we can’t and we do. They have conditioned themselves, they are incapable of breaking that conditioning.
    I notice myself using the word narcissist a lot in my descriptions of people I have known, new people who pass through my life and are not allowed to stay because they exhibit those traits I so abhor, and people who just stick there because they don’t know how to move on. It irritates me that narcissist is so much a part of my vocabulary but it is, gas lighting is a huge part of my vocabulary too. Narcissistic traits pop up everywhere and I feel like a detective spotting them and calling them out. I do call them out too, I point it out to people when they are playing the victim card, when they contradict themselves from one sentence to the next in order to get a better grip on your empathy. I save my empathy these days for those who truly earn it.
    As for the randomly popping up ‘out of the blue’ that shit is old and tired for me, I tell them too. It never ceases to amaze me the varied range of reactions I get from my bluntness and honesty about their behaviour. I reckon I have been called every name under the sun now and possibly a few that are entirely unrepeatable anywhere, ever! I don’t care, I find it cathartic to hold a mirror up to these people and show them who they really are.
    The sad thing is, before narcissism became a trigger in my life, I would have held my hand out to these people and said, I will help. Not a chance now.
    I believe they just never evolved, they found their narcissistic groove and got stuck there. We move on and occasionally glance over our shoulder to see them still there, repeating the same mistakes over and over and expecting a different outcome. It never happens because we learnt the game better than they did and we won and moved on to the next challenge.
    Keep on moving forward Matt, it’s worth it in the end. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Totally agree! I often wonder sometimes though does any reality ever set in. I think it does on some level but they have to push past it because the truth is just so horrific in that reflection they see its just asshole staring back at them who has done horrific things.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahh and therein lies the entire difference between an empath and a narcissist! As empaths, we try our best to be fair, to hold our hand up when we get it wrong, call ourselves out and (in my case) take a good spanking when deserved! 😛
        A narcissist will blame someone else, anyone else, for their actions, because they will always claim we made them do it. If we had been better, kinder, more loving, more giving, more more more of anything, they wouldn’t have had to resort to the mind games, and the continual head fucks they were forced to use on us to get what they wanted. It is never their fault, therefore they will never look in that mirror and see the truth of who and what they really are.
        I wish I was that good at being a puppet master! I could have made a fortune getting those assholes to dance to my tune!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It takes a certain mind to be a puppet master. I have seen her do it. Only now in hindsight I know what she was doing. But seeing all the manipulations or just approach to everything through manipulation. It is stunning.

          Liked by 1 person

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