Broken – Thought Energy

I feel like this is one of the most underrated aspects of life sometimes. It is discounted in personal life, work life, and maybe even relationship life. Thought energy can be both good and bad.

I feel like this is one of the most underrated aspects of life sometimes. It is discounted in personal life, work life, and maybe even relationship life. Thought energy can be both good and bad.

Probably referred commonly as mindfulness lately, but I feel like that discounts the energy spent. The toll it can take. The unaccounted for time and energy that may get overlooked. If you have project, client, patient, etc. at work that requires thought energy but a full calendar, how can you be at your best? And then you take it home with you to the expense of personal things. In alot of cases you might be working 70 hours a week and not realize it.

The same can be true the other way. Work isn’t getting what you want to give because something else has taken up your thoughts. This is certainly true for work with me recently. So I tried to gravitate towards work that I could focus on in short windows then deliver and be done with it. Or else I would have never got through the last 18 months.

My writing has also slowed because my thought energy is in other places. It isn’t in breaking free from the past as much as it is looking forward to the future or just being present.

Was all that thought energy spent breaking free wasted time or effort? Not sure. I don’t think so. Breaking free from the past is what allowed me to be present. Where do we allow in our lives for a transient state? Or was that really just my present at the time and ignoring it would have been a detriment.

I had to resolve things even if it took longer than I wanted it to. Otherwise you are just burying feelings that will surface eventually. I invested heavily in getting past Hailey and it required me to fully understand what happened to me. What was going on. Telling my story was cathartic but also painful. It took up alot of my thought time.

I punched myself out at times. But I feel like I am coming out of this in an extremely healthy way. I didn’t force relationships or look at external validation. I was trying to resolve the problem inwardly. Something I feel like grieving people tend not to do. And that isn’t a criticism…

There is a tremendous amount of pain associated with that. Remember when a person is involved with a narcissist or a toxic person they don’t allow a healthy transition for the other person. So it is done almost entirely on the victim’s own. They not only need to recover from the normal feelings. But add on the confusion of no closure and then the discovery of the emotional abuse.

I had to heal from a broken heart, confusion, and emotional abuse during this time. If I had not it would still be impacting me. Being mindful of it and spending that thought energy was good. We so often say “don’t give that person the time of day, they don’t deserve it.” it’s only partially true. They don’t deserve the time but you do. You deserve to talk it out, heal, figure things out.

You will always carry that pain with you. But you can make a choice is it going to be a scar or a open wound. Give people a break when they ruminate or want to talk about it even though it feels endless. It means they are trying to process and possibly put it behind them.

Jennifer fell back into the trap and would stop talking about Gregg. She would stop being mindful of their situation and choose to go with the flow. And there she is back in her toxic relationship because she went back to ignoring the very things that made it toxic to begin with. She never came out of the other side of that horrifically dark tunnel and my heart aches for her. She is one more year down the road and exactly where she was when she started. That could be me.

There is alot of advice out there about dealing with toxic people, narcissist and even heartbreak. But the truth is not everyone’s recovery is paint by numbers even if they have to go through similar stages. But I feel like I did what I needed to do. And thankfully I had a friend like Darcey to help listen. I probably owe her like 75k in therapy but shhhh… 🙂

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

9 thoughts on “Broken – Thought Energy”

  1. Oh boy! This sounds like you are leaving us! I hope not! I enjoy reading your words, you have a really good insight into how people think and behave and it’s refreshing to read someone else’s view on the world who has been in a similar situation to myself. I am so glad you decided to carry out your therapy here on WP and opened up about the horrible roller coaster you have been on with Hailey. It has helped me enormously by the way, I could see so much of what I went through written in your words that I found ways to explore my own past without scarring myself further. It has been cathartic and I thank you for that. This post is very thoughtful, I’ve never considered mindfulness to be thought energy but you’re right, that’s exactly what it is.
    Good to see you posting again, even if it does become sporadic! xx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It should be me thanking you. Your story helped me a lot, there was always this indefinable feeling that niggled away at me and I had no idea what it was or how to deal with it. While reading your blog, I realised that feeling was a deep seated anger totally wrapped up in fear that I was alone in this and no one else was speaking out about it. No one else could articulate it clearly enough for me to latch on to their story and connect properly. I have seen hundreds and hundreds of articles and posts on Narcissism and gas lighting but they were all skating on the surface of what it’s actually like to live with someone like that. They didn’t explore their deeper feelings and expose what it had done to them. Most of the stuff I read left me feeling invalidated and almost like I might be over reacting to what I had lived through. Making too much of it, why was it taking me so long to let go of the trauma of it all? And then you happened! It was like a mirror journey and for the first time I could actually see the same trauma being described moment by moment and damn I wanted to do her physical harm from the first second the game playing started to appear. I am so happy that you are out and on the other side of it. The healing takes a long time Matt, writing definitely helps enormously, but there will be invisible triggers in the future that spin you around, be aware of that and give yourself the time and space you need to fix what’s broken so that you can deal with those trauma responses in the future better than I did. I am so glad you aren’t leaving us!! 😀 xx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hi Gemma! This is just the best thing ever. I am always happy to share and you have given me the same validation by recognizes what it was almost immediately. lol. Yes the invisible triggers are totally a thing. The one that I was able to identify early was the validation I would get from her showing interest in me. That would start a more subtle version of my trauma cycle. She did it again this week so that shows you that it will continue for some time. I am hoping she is on her last legs with me. But I am not so sure. 2-3 week cycles. But I saw her 3 times in 2 days this week.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I second Gemma’s sentiment, you’ve been so inciteful it truly has helped me to looks inward and let go of the blame for my failed marriage. I’m sure you’re in a different head space as you continue to sort through things, I hope you wont wander too far from us all here.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am not wandering too far. And if you ever head to NH we may have to meet. I am so happy I could help. When there is a toxic person it is never your fault. I learned I don’t need to forgive Hailey… I needed to forgive myself. You have a great heart and trust me did all you could.

      Liked by 2 people

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