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Broken – What Now?

These last couple of years I have lived a lifetime of events. Most of it causing uncertainty in my life. I have dealt with loss that I thought was unimaginable.

These last couple of years I have lived a lifetime of events. Most of it causing uncertainty in my life. I have dealt with loss that I thought was unimaginable. Love, life, and family. It has all occurred in one compacted time frame.

I know life isn’t just happening to me but it’s hard not to feel like the universe doesn’t share signs or something. And I feel like I am stacking up the, things that you haven’t dealt with in life, backlog.

I just found out my father passed away. I am not sure how to feel about it. I am still processing it. My parents were separated when I was nearly 5. He meandered in and out of my life until I was about 17 last spoke to him in my late 20’s. There wasn’t much of a relationship there as there was potential. He was good with kids, a flawed human being, but I am not sure he wasn’t well intentioned.

But I know my early trauma’s come from him. I remember the 6 yr old me waiting by the window for my Dad only to never have him show. It was hard. That feeling of abandonment even when he lived so close. He married, by all means, a lunatic. She no question has a mental illness and I am not even sure what kind. She has manipulated, harassed my mother, and assaulted my sister more than once.

I know how difficult this was for my father. He was having to choose between a psychopath and his kids. But the kicker was they had kids as well. He chose the path of least resistance. And my sister and I were on the unfortunate ends of that. She was never going to allow him to have her and us and he made his choice. And that was to stay away.

Over the years I suspect he was overcome with shame and just could never take accountability for his part. It was probably too much. So I think that was when he decided to detach completely. My sister tried one more time only to have a bizarre and kind of horrifying closure like end to it. With him flat out saying “no” I am not interested in you guys anymore.

There are fascinating parallels between my father and what Hailey did to me. The overpromise and underdeliver aspect was there. The being so close and feeling so rejected and having it in your face type of thing. The craziness and drama associated with their lives. Her causing her own and my father’s supplied but what I can only assume is his own Hailey. This is all surfacing fundamental feelings I have towards relationships.

It’s tough as parents and adults though to justify what my father chose. Any person coming into my life who tried to keep from my kids would be immediately dismissed.

I had made peace with all of this years ago. He just became a face of the past. Someone that came into then out of my life. I carry his name but not much more. But now there is a finality to it. It’s forcing me to re-reconcile all of those feelings again. It’s hard. It’s certainly not as painful but it also reminds me of my current situation as well. And while I didn’t lose someone close to me. It is an event that forces me to revisit those scars.

I wrote this and was just about to publish as something came up. And that something was being left out of the obituary. One last hurtful and classless act by his wife. Another example of trying to write us out of his life. So strange as it reminds me of Hailey’s final letter. Trying to create a narrative to hide your shame. It’s awful. These people know how to hurt.

One more final scar and it’s a reminder of high functioning emotionally abusive people. They will get away with it for the most part because no one is willing to call it out. My poor mother, she had to try and manage our need and want to see our father but deal with trying to protect us at the same time. She was in a no-win situation. But someone besides her could have stepped up.

Just a reminder to all of us, be kind to people you may meet today. You have no idea how their day might be going. I am disconnected right now. I am here but more in shell form than anything right now. Although it’s in and out of moments. Just to have to keep on going and process this. It’s more sad as a lost opportunity to have a father than losing one all together.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible.

5 thoughts on “Broken – What Now?”

  1. It’s a strange feeling when a parent dies who we were not close to. I was not in the same situation as you, my father didn’t leave (unfortunately) he was there and seriously present every single day of my childhood. He scared the crap out of me on a daily basis. I would come home from school, sneak around the back of the house, (mum was always in the kitchen at that time of day), first words out of my mouth would be, is dad in a bad mood? In other words, is it safe to come in or should I go up the library till tea time. More often than not I was in that library. It got so I didn’t even bother going home and just bypassed the trauma and went straight to the books and a peaceful calm sanctuary. The librarian understood I was hiding from my life, but she took the opportunity to educate me. She would bring me a glass of milk, some biscuits and a stack of books she wanted me to read and then write a piece about each of the stories I had read.
    It’s not hard to see where my love of words came from! My father was not strict, he was impossible, he was a bully, there was no way to get anything right with him, he would constantly find fault and I would take a hiding for getting that shit wrong over and over. I walked out of the house the day I turned 16 and found a little bed sit. I was working by then and I have supported myself ever since.
    Quite simply put, sometimes it is better to have them leave than have them stay where the damage is done daily. He died in 2012 and I wrote his Eulogy, it was short and emotionless, he had lived, he had fathered children, he had died. My mum never looked back from that moment on. Narcissism comes in many different guises, but that narcissism I grew up with coloured my view of life for a very long time. When they die, they rob us of closure from their part in our past. I understand how you felt when his wife left you out of the Obit. I also understand the sadness about the lost opportunity, my son would have loved a grandad he could go visit and learn from. My father was not that man and I didn’t risk my son’s emotional wellbeing by exposing him to him once my father raised his voice at my son when he was a toddler and frightened him so much he would wake in the night screaming that the bad man was going to get him. We never went back to see him and I would go and collect my mum and bring her to spend time with my son at my house. It was safer.
    Don’t dwell too long on the what could have been, Matt, he made his choices a long time ago and to be honest it sounds like it was the right decision for all concerned. I still empathise with you, regardless of our feelings about who they were when they were alive, they leave a small hole in the fabric of our lives when they die. ((((Hugs)))) to you my friend. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yeah Matt, I know and I understand. At least this time you know it will be the last time you have to do this. That sounds cold, it isn’t meant to be, but when all they bring is hurt and confusion, anger and upset, it becomes a relief to let them go for the final time. Hugs to you my friend. xxx


  2. First and foremost you have my condolences, I’m the end no matter how detached you’ve lost someone that was significant even if they weren’t there for you. In the end it’s a loss you’ve acknowledged and I hope you find your way through to navigate it and come out the other end. In truth it’s his loss, and your mom god bless her soul raised an amazing strong man. He taught you a very valuable lesson and that is to value and love your children. You most certainly won’t perpetuate his mistakes and your kids will always know you love them no matter what. Having lost my mom I can understand this loss, but I was lucky to have had a good relationship and know I was loved. I’d like to think he loved you and your sister enough to keep you far away from the nasty and vile woman he married, and if that is the only thing he did right then so be it. Use him as the marker of what not to be to your kids and as you’ve already shown you are way ahead of the game in that aspect. Sending hugs your way

    Liked by 1 person

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