Broken – Texting

After sending my message thanking her for understanding I was expecting a “you’re welcome” and that was about it. She started to engage more and started teasing me a little in a very flirty way. She said aren’t you curious to know who I am. I said “Of course!!”

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

After sending my message thanking her for understanding I was expecting a “you’re welcome” and that was about it. She started to engage more and started teasing me a little in a very flirty way. She said aren’t you curious to know who I am. I said “Of course!!” but respected her need for discretion. She gave me terrible hints. I had managed to figure out that she was a “School Mom” but that narrowed it down to 1200 kids. Not exactly zeroing in on it. But then she revealed something- she had stalked my Facebook account to which I immediately knew Facebook would give her up. No one really knows the algorithm for suggested friends but I am a tech person and knew that she would be in the suggested friends list based on her visiting my feed. Off to Facebook…

It didn’t take me long to find a school mom she was the second or third suggested friend. I knew we had met briefly before. But I wasn’t 100% sure it was her. I realized something else as I peered through her feed. I found a picture I ogled just months before. She was in a bikini and looked amazing. I knew back then she probably drove the other Mom’s crazy. So I started to get excited. Could this really be her? One of the hottest Mom’s in my town?

So back to texting her. I said I think I have you. She said “already?” I said “Yup!” I said are you “this person”? She said “oh my god how did you figure it out so fast?” I told her that her FB stalking busted her. And so here we were virtually face to face. What do we do from here? Most would think this is where it ends… We promise each other never to give the other one up and have a chuckle if we see each other and go on our merry ways. But there was this undeniable chemistry an ease of conversation like I had known this person my entire life.

From there we began texting. I didn’t know she was in the Caribbean with her husband. He was there on business and so she was alone by the pool or beach in what I could only imagine was something sexy.

I immediately started to flirt with her as I knew she wasn’t going away. We would exchange questions about sex… what do we like? what are we attracted to? history? fantasies? We covered quite a bit as she was there for 5 days. She even sent me a photo half naked and I almost couldn’t contain myself.

So what’s next… “Do we meet?” I asked. And she said “Yes! I am super curious.” But when we discussed it beyond that she would tell me about how picky she was. So it really tempered my excitement and even added nerves. I asked “when would you like to meet?”….

Broken – My Tinder Find

I picked up my phone and downloaded Tinder. My heart was racing and I felt like I was betraying my marriage. But I said how could I betray someone I have no romantic relationship with.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I picked up my phone and downloaded Tinder. My heart was racing and I felt like I was betraying my marriage. But I said how could I betray someone I have no romantic relationship with. You couldn’t betray a family member by looking for a romantic connection. That’s how I talked myself through it.

The app was installed. I already ran into roadblocks… How do I even create a profile? I can’t put my pictures on it. So I grabbed a stock photo of a blank background. I put my initial, my age, and something that said “Married in loveless marriage, looking for chemistry and connection.” I wanted to be honest as strange as that sounds. My desire was to find out if someone could be attracted to me for who I was and see how it would develop from there.

I didn’t swipe much. I did only on profiles that I thought could be women doing the same thing. No pictures or disguised pictures of something else. I tried to be careful… I only did this at work. My thought was distance is good. If I ever meet someone it would be someone I didn’t know.

Barely any matches were made until one day I matched. A similar profile, except it had a picture of her shoulder and a landscape. We had a few quick flirty moments and exchanged kik accounts. It didn’t take long of her to ask for a picture. I had some ready to go as I knew this was going to happen eventually. I sent them as I held my breath. I was exposing myself to this person I didn’t know.

That’s when she said something that made me nearly throw up and my heart explode at the same time… “I think I know who you are” You are from “This place”. Holy Shit! She is right. I tried to deny it but she laughed. And I thought she has me. Great I haven’t even so much as had a conversation and I am busted. How terrible am I at this?

She tried to comfort me by saying don’t worry your secret is safe with me. I told her repeatedly thank you. She even gave me the “I am doing the same thing, so no judgement” line to make me feel better. I asked her if she would tell me who she was and she laughed. So that’s great I will walk around all wondering if anyone in my immediate orbit knew. It was also a Friday and we kind of started to say goodbyes so the entire weekend to think about it. No distractions from work.

I managed the weekend but with definite anxiety over what I had done and who might know. Monday morning I decided to reach out to my new match and tell her that I was grateful for the way she handled it and that I appreciated her discretion. And that is when things got interesting…

Broken – Prologue

This blog is a story about a journey at the end of a loyal and loveless marriage and an unexpected new found love that turned into a long affair that cost me a marriage, love and finally my heart. It’s going to be raw and honest and I won’t always be the hero of my own story. But…

After 18 years of marriage I was having enough. I knew it was only a matter of time before it was over but I stayed for our kids. It was important to me that they get to a place where they were fairly independent. I will avoid going too much into my marriage it was like most… roommates, business partners, enter your cliche here. But the problems were so much more than that and it killed the intimacy forever. I never felt unjustified with wanting love because it was absent. My only regret or shame is deceit. There is a definitive lie that is being told and it never felt good and at the same time I knew I deserved so much more from a committed relationship. I never once thought of leaving or having an affair until I had no hope left, I tried for more than a decade and alas I just knew it was never going to be better.

As anyone who has had no intimacy, affection, and seldom even sex for years you tire on porn and other methods to keep you whole. You start to get curious. What does dating look like? What does a healthy intimate and sexual dynamic look like? Am I even attractive to other people? So many questions from so many different angles. If you are a sexual person or a person that wants affection, intimacy and sex it can start to consume your thoughts with all the unanswered questions.

And so it begins… you pick up the dating app.

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