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Broken – Healing? Healed? Validated?

I am so far removed from the state I was in, and had been in for so long. I could/can feel progress but how tangible is that progress? It’s hard to find at times.

I am so far removed from the state I was in, and had been in for so long. I could/can feel progress but how tangible is that progress? It’s hard to find at times. It really started almost a year ago when I saw her in that restaurant not the first time with him but the second. It was my last check. Is she? Isn’t she?… a narcissist. Well when she acted like nothing ever happened it was all the confirmation I needed and I resisted an urge to pay favor.

As a matter of fact I yelled at her. Her fuel and reaction be damned. Sort of proud of that Matt. He was a mess. Still in love… maybe, trauma bonded definitely. I don’t think I realized how difficult that day was until after reading the countless posts, reddit’s, quora’s, videos of people telling their stories. They were in their 5th, 10th, 15th year of cycle after cycle. The constant love bombing, devalue, discard, and subsequent hoovers and faster narcissistic victim cycles.

How do I know I am better? I am far more impacted by my current relationships than my former. I have re-established a bond with my sister. I think about my kids all the time. I try to foster my friendships. I am learning lessons here about life and applying my wisdom from what has happened.

Hailey does not stop being around in one way or another. Darcey and I were out one night and had someone mention her by name at this event. We were both like wtf. It turned into me telling this person my story. Somewhat dispassionately. I just explained the story in a factual way. Her jaw dropped.

What was funny was that Darcey couldn’t resist. She called her a dumpster fire amongst a few other things. Which is funny and true but we had to ask this woman not to share any of it. Just because she could always hurt my family.

Narcissistic rage is no joke. They feel no consequences simply because they don’t care. The only leverage is their ego. She doesn’t want to be the whore of the town. Although I am not sure that train hasn’t left the station. But who cares she’s earned whatever someone says about her. Just as long as my family isn’t dragged into her story.

What prompted me to write a post? Well I miss my readers and the community. I also wanted to let you know I am very good. But I also have been spending sometime that I spent blogging responding to victims helping them out with my knowledge. It’s not easy to compile all this information to understand what it is they go through. What it is they need to do and what are the patterns they will see. I am stunned by so many that can’t seemingly get away.

It’s hard you try to help without knowing every aspect of who they are. I have read and watched a ton of content. But not everyone is going to consume information like I do. I wish there was a simplified version to explain an introductory version if you will… Like Narc victim 101. I would refer people to the narcsite. But you have to do a great deal of piecing it all together.

Then I came across this video by Dr. Ramani. It’s like a greatest hits, it focuses less on the Narcissist as much as on the victim. It also made me feel validated. Everything I spoke about before seems true. Because I felt it and was able to tie it to something. But also because this person who has spent decades with victims has also said it.

She describes healing, what you should do, and what the narc abuse cycle looks like and how it impacts victims. It is just a natural conversation but touches on so many of the experiences in a high level but comprehensive way. It mentions about living well as a form of healing and sticking it to them. This is a form of healing getting your best version and self respect back.

She provides analogies of being careful talking to a victim and invalidating or rushing the healing. She says “if someone is punched in the face, you don’t say well why did you put your face in front of their fist.”

Additionally as a victim you aren’t accountable. Healing is understanding what happened, allowing time, continuing to resist. Because your narc dealer will come around again for one more hit. Mine did for over a year. There is no action for the victim to take other than gradually shift their focus from that relationship to themselves and learning the lessons. It’s about “taking yourself back” as Dr. Ramani so profoundly put it.

I had started that process so long ago. And it doesn’t happen overnight, it happens in gradual increments. Think of it as a percentage increase and sometimes there are setbacks. I am probably in the high 80’s to 90’s where I still think about it but in terms of past tense and learning and growing. But I am more inwardly focused. What am I doing next, what am I looking forward to what I am concerned about? Not so much as what happened? All the manipulation and machinations are sort of figured out and the reasoning behind it has been identified. There is not much left to reconcile in my heart and head.

If I am speaking to someone about what happened it blows their minds sometimes. It’s difficult to comprehend in its entirety. Nearly impossible to see “why” without having experienced it so I don’t expect those that haven’t to understand the horror of the highs and lows, and the recovery from that trauma.

But this probably begs the question what is left to recover from. Well there are the triggers and trust of future relationships. Getting fully back to my open minded open hearted self. That is what is left. Is making myself capable of opening up those things for future relationships. Trusting people and most of all trusting myself. Not that I will never attract a Narc again. But knowing what I know and applying it in the future.

This all seems like a simple concept. But the part that is not in there is it happens at it’s own pace. I don’t think there is much for a victim to control other than the trajectory. Resisting the trauma bond, finding yourself again, and applying what you have learned. That last little bit is so Yoda I want to rephrase. “Learn you will, apply you must.” Hope everyone is well.

Broken – Never Ending

I have seen Hailey alot lately. To the point where I wanted to know what the actual fuck was going on. Didn’t I win? She broke up with that guy. He moved away. She would show here or there. But best I could tell she was living back with her husband.

I have seen Hailey alot lately. To the point where I wanted to know what the actual fuck was going on. Didn’t I win? She broke up with that guy. He moved away. She would show here or there. But best I could tell she was living back with her husband.

Then suddenly I see her like 6 times in 4 days. Well it didn’t take long for her to be on the dating apps. But it was saying 1 mile away. I mean seriously? Then I went out with my childhood friend to the local pub. While waiting for a table to clear we were at the edge of the bar. We were there barely a few minutes and then the people right in front of us got up and it was her.

She was on a date and got up and stared at me. I stared right back with the intensity of the sun. And it lasted for 10 seconds. You know how long that is when you are just staring. I am not even sure what I was conveying but I wanted her to know I wasn’t bothered by her presence. But why did she stare at me? Isn’t this the person who wanted me to leave her alone?

The guy she was with was kind of a joke. Poor guy. I have a feeling it was a temporary thing. But she could have been staying with him all this time. If that is the case and he is downtown. I mean just really… she has to have a guy within a few blocks of me every time?

If she moved down here again to a different place just my god what a train wreck. That is her 6th move in 2 years. Dating so openly with different guys in the same town as her not yet divorced husband and kids is just… yikes. Either way I probably should get comfortable with seeing her everywhere… again

Incidentally when someone talks to you about a narcissist that won’t leave them alone… BELIEVE them.

I am strong but there are times I just want to give in. Like being interrogated for 12 hours. Just admit to committing the crime even when innocent, or in this case just reach out to her. Accept whatever thing she wants to do with me. (Don’t worry those are fleeting moments). But I say this because not everyone experiencing this is as resilient as me. And it highlights how dangerous this dynamic is.

It also scares me that she could ruin future relationships. I am tired of it. There will be a moment in a year or so where I will be able to make a choice to stay or go. I will see where I am at. It’s been a full year since she crushed me into tiny pieces. And sometimes I think she wants the rest.

I guess the good thing here is that I am so much stronger and better than she could possibly realize. I rebuilt that and for the most part I am doing pretty good. I have some fun things coming up and am enjoying most parts of my life. I have my workouts and good friends. And am getting back to more and more normal life. I look forward to the future. But it’s hard sometimes when your past is always present.

It’s been a few weeks since this post and the update is she did move in. Even closer than she lived before. About 2 blocks away. Not as close as the guy she was with last time. The patterns have resumed as has her walking in front of my building again. I see her one week she disappears for two. You could almost set your watch to it. Although surprisingly suddenly is no longer in the mood for the food in my building. After eating there about 12 times in 2 months.

Narcissists are funny. They are bullies of the worst kind. Because they use others as cover. I think she doesn’t have someone/something she is proud of. So she isn’t as emboldened. She can’t run back to a fuel source so when I see her and don’t reach out it stings even more. Oh well. Starting to settle in to her being two blocks away… again.

Broken – What Now?

These last couple of years I have lived a lifetime of events. Most of it causing uncertainty in my life. I have dealt with loss that I thought was unimaginable.

These last couple of years I have lived a lifetime of events. Most of it causing uncertainty in my life. I have dealt with loss that I thought was unimaginable. Love, life, and family. It has all occurred in one compacted time frame.

I know life isn’t just happening to me but it’s hard not to feel like the universe doesn’t share signs or something. And I feel like I am stacking up the, things that you haven’t dealt with in life, backlog.

I just found out my father passed away. I am not sure how to feel about it. I am still processing it. My parents were separated when I was nearly 5. He meandered in and out of my life until I was about 17 last spoke to him in my late 20’s. There wasn’t much of a relationship there as there was potential. He was good with kids, a flawed human being, but I am not sure he wasn’t well intentioned.

But I know my early trauma’s come from him. I remember the 6 yr old me waiting by the window for my Dad only to never have him show. It was hard. That feeling of abandonment even when he lived so close. He married, by all means, a lunatic. She no question has a mental illness and I am not even sure what kind. She has manipulated, harassed my mother, and assaulted my sister more than once.

I know how difficult this was for my father. He was having to choose between a psychopath and his kids. But the kicker was they had kids as well. He chose the path of least resistance. And my sister and I were on the unfortunate ends of that. She was never going to allow him to have her and us and he made his choice. And that was to stay away.

Over the years I suspect he was overcome with shame and just could never take accountability for his part. It was probably too much. So I think that was when he decided to detach completely. My sister tried one more time only to have a bizarre and kind of horrifying closure like end to it. With him flat out saying “no” I am not interested in you guys anymore.

There are fascinating parallels between my father and what Hailey did to me. The overpromise and underdeliver aspect was there. The being so close and feeling so rejected and having it in your face type of thing. The craziness and drama associated with their lives. Her causing her own and my father’s supplied but what I can only assume is his own Hailey. This is all surfacing fundamental feelings I have towards relationships.

It’s tough as parents and adults though to justify what my father chose. Any person coming into my life who tried to keep from my kids would be immediately dismissed.

I had made peace with all of this years ago. He just became a face of the past. Someone that came into then out of my life. I carry his name but not much more. But now there is a finality to it. It’s forcing me to re-reconcile all of those feelings again. It’s hard. It’s certainly not as painful but it also reminds me of my current situation as well. And while I didn’t lose someone close to me. It is an event that forces me to revisit those scars.

I wrote this and was just about to publish as something came up. And that something was being left out of the obituary. One last hurtful and classless act by his wife. Another example of trying to write us out of his life. So strange as it reminds me of Hailey’s final letter. Trying to create a narrative to hide your shame. It’s awful. These people know how to hurt.

One more final scar and it’s a reminder of high functioning emotionally abusive people. They will get away with it for the most part because no one is willing to call it out. My poor mother, she had to try and manage our need and want to see our father but deal with trying to protect us at the same time. She was in a no-win situation. But someone besides her could have stepped up.

Just a reminder to all of us, be kind to people you may meet today. You have no idea how their day might be going. I am disconnected right now. I am here but more in shell form than anything right now. Although it’s in and out of moments. Just to have to keep on going and process this. It’s more sad as a lost opportunity to have a father than losing one all together.

Broken – Thought Energy

I feel like this is one of the most underrated aspects of life sometimes. It is discounted in personal life, work life, and maybe even relationship life. Thought energy can be both good and bad.

I feel like this is one of the most underrated aspects of life sometimes. It is discounted in personal life, work life, and maybe even relationship life. Thought energy can be both good and bad.

Probably referred commonly as mindfulness lately, but I feel like that discounts the energy spent. The toll it can take. The unaccounted for time and energy that may get overlooked. If you have project, client, patient, etc. at work that requires thought energy but a full calendar, how can you be at your best? And then you take it home with you to the expense of personal things. In alot of cases you might be working 70 hours a week and not realize it.

The same can be true the other way. Work isn’t getting what you want to give because something else has taken up your thoughts. This is certainly true for work with me recently. So I tried to gravitate towards work that I could focus on in short windows then deliver and be done with it. Or else I would have never got through the last 18 months.

My writing has also slowed because my thought energy is in other places. It isn’t in breaking free from the past as much as it is looking forward to the future or just being present.

Was all that thought energy spent breaking free wasted time or effort? Not sure. I don’t think so. Breaking free from the past is what allowed me to be present. Where do we allow in our lives for a transient state? Or was that really just my present at the time and ignoring it would have been a detriment.

I had to resolve things even if it took longer than I wanted it to. Otherwise you are just burying feelings that will surface eventually. I invested heavily in getting past Hailey and it required me to fully understand what happened to me. What was going on. Telling my story was cathartic but also painful. It took up alot of my thought time.

I punched myself out at times. But I feel like I am coming out of this in an extremely healthy way. I didn’t force relationships or look at external validation. I was trying to resolve the problem inwardly. Something I feel like grieving people tend not to do. And that isn’t a criticism…

There is a tremendous amount of pain associated with that. Remember when a person is involved with a narcissist or a toxic person they don’t allow a healthy transition for the other person. So it is done almost entirely on the victim’s own. They not only need to recover from the normal feelings. But add on the confusion of no closure and then the discovery of the emotional abuse.

I had to heal from a broken heart, confusion, and emotional abuse during this time. If I had not it would still be impacting me. Being mindful of it and spending that thought energy was good. We so often say “don’t give that person the time of day, they don’t deserve it.” it’s only partially true. They don’t deserve the time but you do. You deserve to talk it out, heal, figure things out.

You will always carry that pain with you. But you can make a choice is it going to be a scar or a open wound. Give people a break when they ruminate or want to talk about it even though it feels endless. It means they are trying to process and possibly put it behind them.

Jennifer fell back into the trap and would stop talking about Gregg. She would stop being mindful of their situation and choose to go with the flow. And there she is back in her toxic relationship because she went back to ignoring the very things that made it toxic to begin with. She never came out of the other side of that horrifically dark tunnel and my heart aches for her. She is one more year down the road and exactly where she was when she started. That could be me.

There is alot of advice out there about dealing with toxic people, narcissist and even heartbreak. But the truth is not everyone’s recovery is paint by numbers even if they have to go through similar stages. But I feel like I did what I needed to do. And thankfully I had a friend like Darcey to help listen. I probably owe her like 75k in therapy but shhhh… 🙂

Broken – Perspective

Let’s talk about perspective for a moment. Especially in regards to Hailey’s continued attempt at abuse or manipulations to try to stay in my life. Let’s start with a fact based reality…

Let’s talk about perspective for a moment. Especially in regards to Hailey’s continued attempt at abuse or manipulations to try to stay in my life. Let’s start with a fact based reality…

  • She left her husband to be with me and date
  • She left me to sleep with some guy
  • She got back together with me, she then went back to her husband, then came back to me, then to her new guy. In one calendar year.
  • She has left her husband 3 times in 2 years.
  • She has left me 3 times in 2 years.
  • She has been on the dating sites (all three major ones) wearing my necklace and posting a picture of her that her new guy took all while dating the new guy.
  • She has attempted to continuously approach me and touched me after months of no communication.
  • She moved into my neighborhood.
  • She likely moved her new guy into my neighborhood.
  • She moved out of my neighborhood and either broke up or moved in with new guy

Now if I gave you no context other than I what I meant to her… Someone that she had an affair with, told she loved, and dated after separation. What would you think?

She has the benefit of not carrying all of the above around with her. There is no red letter A on her shirt. So perception works in her favor. Because she can control perception a little bit and that includes her perception of herself. A narcissist knows they are a bad person. They know the shitty things they do. They know the high they get for making someone miserable. But they don’t necessarily know why.

To remedy their shame they gaslight to cover those things up. To alter perspective this includes lying to themselves. They have a strange ability to know deep down inside what they did but also believe they were entitled to do the crappy things they do.

And it is the narcissism that allows them to lie to themselves to alter this perception to create a different reality. They find the areas in between, they keep enough plausibility to create a reality that is comfortable for them. But to what end. And what is she doing for? And what is she ignoring to keep this perspective?

She does it to keep her facade, then to try and get back some control over me, so I can be a useful source of fuel in the future. I know now that I was the best and worst for her. My empathy, who I am, what I look like gave her a rush of fuel. But I was quicker than most men to hold her accountable. She said I was hard on her. I frustrate the fuck out of her yet she is drawn to me like a moth to a flame.

Why does she have a fresh perspective on us? Why does she even think there can be remotely a minimal friendly discourse?

I am going to provide the context that she is ignoring. Let’s start here. She left me 3 times for other men. The first time she asked for space because I disappointed her. (WTF?!) The second time was to go back to the man that hated me. Gross! But she convinced herself and me she did it for her children. The third time was for some guy who she moved in two doors down that she has likely been taking to since 2019 while telling me she loved me and wanted me.

She doesn’t view any of the above as problematic. She doesn’t have the empathy to see how hurtful dating and moving in with a guy two doors down can be. She thinks she is entitled to her happiness and I just should get over it and wish the best for her.

So to her nothing has really happened. She is probably surprised by my reaction when she touched me. And the fact that I ignore her every time we cross paths.

And right now I can feel her lying in wait. She has either broken up or moved in with the new guy. But not 2 doors down. She doesn’t park here anymore. And it is only about once a week I see her. Which is still quite frequently considering.

But she still tries to create opportunities for us to crossover. She is probably frustrated as hell that I haven’t talked to her. Ironically she probably thinks I am being “dramatic” about it all. The lack of empathy keeps her from seeing my side. She only sees… I was just trying to find happiness. It didn’t matter the amount of lives (I am 100% certain her kids and James were affected) she ruins to get it. Which ironically will forever keep you from finding it. If you see the very people you fucked over daily to try and find your new whatever you will never find happiness, narc or not.

This is where I need to be careful. I need to keep my empathy and will for justice or closure in check. Narcissists cannot be alone for long so unless she has lined something up I could be on the menu. From her perspective she is entitled to another try if she wants one.

Before anyone freaks out. I wrote this over a month ago with some edits to make it current. I wanted to bring it up because it’s necessary to show how and why someone would not just “move on”. Shame, what would normally keep someone away, is felt but rejected. Entitlement wins out at the end of the day.

Entitlement is something I have looked at through a new lens. There are many layers to it. I used to think it was just that you thought the world owed you something or for rich and privileged people.

But there are people who generally feel entitled to make you miserable for their own happiness. It isn’t a conscious thought it’s just purely instinct. The amount of abuse this heaps on their victims is staggering.

Combine this with their ability to gaslight and you have a fait accompli. A destined victim even if they escape. I still have to be engaurde for what might come my way, or her kids, or James for that matter. Anyone that has been sucked in and is considered a good source of fuel.

Broken – Still Here

My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.

My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.

Darcey pointed this out… her need to not be forgotten is unlike anything she has ever seen. And that is what it is. A benign hoover to remind me of her existence and a little hit of fuel for her. I wonder what she thinks these days. I am almost certain she is seeing someone else. But I really don’t care. I can walk or go out most nights and breathe easy.

Not that this was about winning but I feel somewhat vindicated. Although I hurt myself badly the other day by continuing to workout past a small injury that I had that turned into a bigger one. But thankfully I avoided disaster but not by much. Work has been so challenging. And separation to divorce is just blah.

Uphill all the way sometimes. These are our character moments. When we constantly get knocked down. But perspective is important. I have to go through this bullshit to get to where I want to go. Sure could I catch a break and not get hurt. Yes. But I look forward to my future still. I have good moments I want those to turn into a longer course.

But I do feeling like I am chasing it. Unsettled. I am not sure if it is the pandemic or that I have been conditioned to feel this way. I am trying to tie up loose ends at work first. Then with family. Then hopefully I can resume some sort of normal future life and make space for other things.

I wrote the above part yesterday figuring not much would have changed to today to post… but just as you think you are out. I was on my run home and I see Hailey in the restaurant we both go to just down the street. Her car was parked in that place I noticed her that very first time. I showered and walked my dog. I walk past that restaurant for the dog walk but figured she is inside and I can walk by outside.

Don’t you know as I already passed the restaurant going out for my walk and then coming around to pass it again on the way back this time on the same side of the street of the restaurant… She stepped outside the restaurant just as I approached. Taking what looked like a fake phone call (half a minute maybe 45 seconds). Seriously WTAF! It really has to be seen to be believed.

I wonder what fantasy she has conjured up in her head about us. And how things unfolded. It is beyond comprehension that she would ever want to be this close to me and not feel an insane amount of guilt. Sometimes I have envy for someone so painfully inward that they can’t see the damage they cause. But alas it’s gross.

Broken and Blocked

I am really blocked lately. No inspiration or whatever to write. I sit in front of a blank page and… nothing. I did have a post that deals with perspective and dating woes but they flowed like chunky spoiled milk.

I am really blocked lately. No inspiration or whatever to write. I sit in front of a blank page and… nothing. I did have a post that deals with perspective and dating woes but they flowed like chunky spoiled milk. There are times when your schedule can be busy and overwhelming and I guess this is one of them. I will get around to the posts soon.

I never wear being overwhelmed visibly… typically. I just lock it all inside take it one thing at a time until I reach the other side of being overwhelmed. I have always been good in these situations, perhaps military training. But make no mistake it effects me. I still feel it. I am exhausted. I still have moments and am vulnerable.

Last night I nearly physically bumped into Hailey. I walked down the street and was going to a dive to have one drink then home. I was so tired. That dive is past her business. Well as I walked across the last crosswalk she was coming to cross the street from the other direction I never saw her until I noticed the walk signal turn on to cross the street. I didn’t push it so I realized someone else had and looked up and she was coming at me. She was heading to her business obviously but ugh.

This is not the best week for that. While she is “gone” from my immediate area she is starting to show up in my space again. While she has a legit reason to go, it was 8:20 at night. Definitely not expected. Twice in 3 days we were within 5 feet of each other. We locked eyes this time. I called Darcey she talked me down I went a little further away for my drink.

I am sad. This feels never ending. But the good news is it ill effects me. There was an ironic twist to all of this I had Chinese food the other night when I ran into her. Fortune swear to god said “the love of your life will unexpectedly appear in front of you”. Haha!! I think it was a warning not a message of encouragement.

Don’t worry I don’t think it’s a sign or anything. Normally this is where I would give you the Ironic video but… nope. I have been listening to this when I get overwhelmed there is a optimistic sadness to it. And it is an unplugged version it’s beautiful. But it goes to show you when someone writes a great song… it’s just a great song and this one has had a resurgence recently and even every kid now knows this song. Take On Me!! Well done AHA… you made a classic another classic.

Broken – Gone? Peace? ???

I noticed a flurry of activity from Hailey 2 weeks ago she was constantly circling the area parking for a bit then leaving. I could tell something was going on. There were moving trucks as well. Not that it is unusual, buildings here typically have 75+ units so it always seems like someone is moving out or in.

I noticed a flurry of activity from Hailey 2 weeks ago she was constantly circling the area parking for a bit then leaving. I could tell something was going on. There were moving trucks as well. Not that it is unusual, buildings here typically have 75+ units so it always seems like someone is moving out or in.

However she had disappeared no more car since then. It’s been about 9 days. And I know she is back at her old place. So…. Drum roll… They either moved together in there, are on a break, or permanently broken up. Any way you slice it… It’s a lot less Hailey. She did walk by the other day. I am actually thinking she was stalking a little. She timed walking by the driveway into the parking lot while I was pulling out. Seems to coincidental.

But right now there are no daily or even frequent sightings outside of the other day. I knew I would just have to wait her out. You could see what she was doing was unsustainable. She was like on an extended rumspringa. I can’t believe reality didn’t strike til this late.

This feels good. I feel free. I even slept my best day in a year last week. (Love me some Fitbit data). At the same time I still have to be weary of her popping up. It’s only been a week and they can NOT be alone.

I was right to be weary. I wrote that last week. I saw her and walked by her 3 feet distance the other night. Walking my dog she turned the corner with her friend. Although she walked behind her friend giving it a respectful distance. Interesting.

Still I see her very infrequently and I don’t see him. This is a win. It has really allowed me to get comfortable in my own space again. I even ran a half marathon the other day. Well I came up about a mile short. But it was kind of awesome. Things are going well. The summer hasn’t been the whorey summer I thought. But it has been good.

So cheers for now for some distance now from Hailey.

Broken – Bromance

So I am noodling over a post because I can’t get my thoughts clear on it. So I figured I would reach out whilst twisting it to death. It was a funny I had another elevator/Darcey moment last night.

So I am noodling over a post because I can’t get my thoughts clear on it. So I figured I would reach out whilst twisting it to death. It was a funny I had another elevator/Darcey moment last night.

I went to pick up some new counter stools, because I didn’t like my other ones. By the way… I am basically a girl. Decor matters to me. And not like I am the only guy that it does but I spent at least 2 hours hunting for the right candle tray. Just sayin… But it was a very masculine one… ok! I am also a nurturer by nature. I actually remember telling Darcey I wasn’t “a total vag” when we first started talking and it segued into sex. To which she died laughing and we laugh to this day about. Normally I establish my affinity for feminism before using a term like that.

Anyways enough about me being a girl… I went to a restaurant after to grab a quick bite and talked to Darcey on my way home. I told her about how some guy chatted me up. I said I can’t pick up a woman to save my life, but guys love to talk to me when I am out. What is that? We spoke about running and he was a really good runner in high school. I told him about a run I had recently and how I hit a runner’s high. That only happens like once every 50 runs or so. And we talked about life and the importance of self care. Anyways he said it was one of the best talks he had in a while, thanked me, offered me a shot (I politely declined), Then shook my hand two or three times.

I told most of that to Darcey on my walk home. We laughed. We also talked about eating pussy and then someone nearly ran me down with her car the woman apologized I said “no problem, and thank you.” For letting me cross the street. Darcey was horrified thinking that woman heard me talk about eating pussy. I said no and we laughed some more.

I arrived back at my building grabbed my stools and on the way to the elevator I stopped for this couple to let them on, while holding my box. (trying not to giggle with the box comment after calling myself a vag).

So Darcey goes quiet I ask what floor they are on and I stab the number with the corner of my box (totally giggling). Before the guy could get out “we can get that.” He then said “that looks heavy”. Then said “well you are a big strong guy so I guess not so much.” I said “it’s not that bad, but did arms today so not so good either.”

I wasn’t a half a second off the elevator before Darcey started to tease me about the man love that I just received. She was like “you are such a little whore, why don’t you just advertise you work out.” She couldn’t stop teasing me and laughing at me. She even’t teased me already twice this morning. The bro love I get is funny. The elevator experiences are making me think I should have my own show of elevator snippets.

This isn’t meant to be sad, but I commented last night. I wish I could see myself as the world does. Then we laughed and said I would be even a bigger whore than I am. But truth is maybe I am overly self aware or not self aware enough. Who knows it is something to explore… maybe. I appreciate my humility. I don’t think I am that insecure but maybe just not as forward as I could be.

This isn’t just about meeting women. It’s about meeting people in general. There is an INFJ thing that is such a blocker. Don’t want to burden anyone with their time. Someday I may figure this out, if I don’t I will still be ok but it would be nice.

Broken – Ripple Effects and Patterns

he ripple effects of trauma are a bitch. I had a fight with family last weekend and it hurt me deeply. It is about something I care so much about and fighting a narrative that isn’t true. So it is frustrating on top of it. Conversations are impending but the dust needs to settle.

The ripple effects of trauma are a bitch. I had a fight with family last weekend and it hurt me deeply. It is about something I care so much about and fighting a narrative that isn’t true. So it is frustrating on top of it. Conversations are impending but the dust needs to settle.

It has triggered my trauma sleep pattern though. For the past 7 or 8 months I have been in and out of some pretty severe responses by my body. The one that manifests the most is that I am waking myself out of a sound sleep just as I hit that point. Like that moment in study hall when you realized you were sleeping in a place you shouldn’t.

I do this throughout the night and even when I try to take a nap. My body responds as “you can’t rest you are in trouble” kind of way. I was exhausted by Sunday in and out of sleep. This is basically my body saying it’s in trouble and it should be on alert. My body is telling me a lot of things lately.

So the pattern of Hailey trying like hell to get me to respond only to have her reinstate herself with her guy has gone on it’s 5th or 6th iteration. I saw her while I was walking up my street. That’s right she drove up my street and went to a take out place at the end of it. The place is not really on my street. It is at the top of the block in the middle of two streets. She could have gone one more down. Same distance and easier to park. Nope!!

She was coming out and I was walking. I ignored her. I could feel the energy of her disdain of me not paying attention. She had been hiding her car for 2 weeks then right after that she goes right back to loud and proud. She genuinely sees those as opportunities to bring me back into her fold. And then feels rejected when they don’t go like she anticipates, can you imagine the entitlement. After that she goes right back out in front. This will last for 2 weeks until she sees me again or when the fuel runs stale.

Exhausting. I am desensitized but not unaffected. The good news is I live my life. I am having a good time although Summer Whore Tour has caught up and my body is like “Fuck You”. “You couldn’t drink 3 nights a week when you were in your 20s, what the fuck makes you think you can do it now?” Ok Ok. Sheesh.

This is what it’s like in my head right now. The trouble is I have a hard time just relaxing or sitting still normally. Add on the fight, Hailey, and it being summer I just want to get out. Oh well. I am actually happy it’s Monday. Work, Gym, Laundry. Sounds kind of nice.

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