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Broken – Back to Reality and Day Whatever

I am pretty close to never venturing out and looking for Hailey. It is hard to not to notice when she is close. Which happened to be right in front of my building again yesterday. But it was about 6 days in between seeing her which was great!!

I am pretty close to never venturing out and looking for Hailey. It is hard to not to notice when she is close. Which happened to be right in front of my building again yesterday. But it was about 6 days in between seeing her which was great!!

I think that was too much and she decided she would venture closer. It’s sick. Something happened between them yesterday and I am not sure what it was. It is immaterial at this point but the fact that I can see it and sense it from my vantage point demonstrates how terribly close all this is.

The weekend was really good. I had a great time on the whore tour. But it was marred with just awful weather. The town was slightly empty probably because of the Holiday. But we had a great ‘getaway’. I was so drunk Friday night I can barely tell you what happened later that night. But we were out in our little swanky location having great drinks, food, seeing and being seen.

We ate and drank so much I gained about 5lbs. Good thing I can absorb that. Friday was great. We went to a favorite diner of mine for brunch. Then picked up some edilbes. lol. We worked out then went to dinner. Dinner was amazing I got a bone in filet, didn’t even know there was that. And we had a great steak house dinner. So yummy.

Then we headed to the lounge and people watched on Friday night. We were at this lounge for 6 (that’s right) hours. We had some edibles and it was mellow. Not the reaction we wanted but we took one before we had that great meal and then one after. I am not a big on pot but every now and then. It’s funny the high and the drunk cancel each other out a bit. So I drank quite a bit. The table next to use had 3 separate parties come through.

The first was 4 attractive women in their 30’s. One was barely wearing anything. They were there enjoying each others company and it brought a smile to both Darcey and I. The next was a group of 20 something obnoxious girls. Who kept taking selfies. They were dressed for attention. One girl was even wearing lingerie as her outfit. But it was fun to watch. The next group was obnoxious period. Just a group of young privileged kids who were loud. One girl in the group kept flashing that night so I did see some boobs this weekend. Haha.

Before this Darcey said she would be my wingman. I think both of us were too stoned to make “something” happen but she is the best wingman. As she couldn’t whore me out we ended up having sex and I railed her both nights. Just so everyone knows we affectionately call each other whores. Based on my surprising number of dalliances this past year. She even tried to count the number of escapades this weekend. And she might be right I think I did “whore” it up a little. It was a little embarrassing as trying to count it all up proved to be difficult.

I need to detox this week. Lots of running assuming my foot cooperates. Grrrrr. My friend Christy had a relapse with her Narcissist. And hers is going on year 3. They broke up 3 years ago. He made a fake FB account to antagonize her. And made some ridiculous assumption her and I were dating (we never actually met in person). He messaged me on social media as well. I didn’t engage and blocked him. But just ugh. I have my own narcissistic drama. But also seeing the use of social media to trigger their victims just awful.

It’s a reminder of what I am dealing with as well. Darcey and I were discussing this at one point and were noting that it is more dangerous for the female while engaging with Narcissistic men because of the physical dimension. That being said people are less likely to believe me in regards to the abuse. “How could this nice pleasant person abuse you.” It is probably more believable I am stalking Hailey vs. her stalking me. “How could a beautiful woman stalk you?” It barely seems believable. But if you shadowed me for a week you would know.

Anyways. Things are going decently. I have had setbacks with this but for the most part I am on course to break my habit in 21 days. I wanted to detox from any reaction to her but it’s just not possible to get far enough away at this particular time to make that happen.

Broken – Whore Tour

Doing something different here blogging live. Darcy and I are out having some fun. It’s only 7 on a Thursday and we are drinking or drunk at a swanky lounge.

We are discussing sex, life, relationships, and sex… 🤣.

Hope all my readers have a good weekend and maybe even whore it up a little. We deserve this. Especially after all this time I am inside my building walking to get takeout and there is Hailey holding her guys hand walking his dog lingering in front of my building. WTF!

I guess this weekend came just in time. We don’t know where this night will go but hopefully it will be fun.

Broken – 21 Days – Days 13 and 14

It wasn’t unlucky. Nothing really happened yesterday or the day after. I got in a great workout. That’s it. So I wanted to take this day to talk about the rules of a narcissist. And their main one speaking from their voice here… “You must adhere to rules I can do whatever I want” Or “Do as I say not as I do.”

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It wasn’t unlucky. Nothing really happened yesterday or the day after. I got in a great workout. That’s it. So I wanted to take this day to talk about the rules of a narcissist. And their main one speaking from their voice here… “You must adhere to rules I can do whatever I want” Or “Do as I say not as I do.”

It is one of the first red flags when you are with someone who is a narcissist or even toxic. First of all on the base level you aren’t sharing a partnership if your rules are different. I think back to all the times she expected something from me and I let her down. If I expected 1/100th of the same I was asking too much.

It is described specifically well here from HG Tudor about their inability to give you support unless you are being love bombed. The great takeaway – “Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us.

I saw this over and over again. Any time I was in a vulnerable position she would manipulate to exert control and not offer any support at all. Not when she was single the first time. Offering no reassurances of our love only that it was at risk. Not when my life was crumbling apart she wanted the attention on her. Never even recognized that the pandemic might be difficult for me. Only for her. And finally when it came to the area where she was most hypocritical dating while the other was in a marriage.

But when I was newly single, she wanted reassurance from me. When I was single and she went back home, she wanted reassurance from me. When we were with our respective families on the weekends early on, she wanted reassurance from me.

She wanted my empathy for her marriage and her plight in life. But only cared when it was convenient or she wanted something.

The different rules is likely the earliest of red flags in a relationship like this. The first that give you that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach thing. But it is also an opportunity to match that feeling with something concrete.

The trouble identifying them is because they are fluid. They change their behavior based on their needs and your reactions. So there is never stability or consistency for you to discover who they truly are. But if there is an early detector this “do as I say not as I do” is it.

It feels like this is manifested by the narcissistic trait of entitlement. The ability to think your life, feelings, and needs are more important than anyone else’s. And that their “stuff” should be put first.

Even after the fact her entitlement to move in next to me. To put her boyfriend in my neighborhood, to touch me that night, to even say ‘hi’. All is entitlement. She even felt entitled to tell me to “stay away” or give her space when she won’t give me mine. Different rules right up until the end.

And I think back to that first time after just a few weeks of knowing her, her asking me to pick her up and drop her off while she was drinking at someone’s house. The risk she asked me to take is one I would never ask her and she would likely just ignore my text and count on my empathy to not be mad. That isn’t the way she saw it for herself. Until she realized she might lose me over it. Right then and there… 3/4 weeks into our relationship, she unmasked herself for a moment. And had I paid closer attention and knew what I knew now I could have saved myself.

That is why I tell my story from this viewpoint. To show how hard it is to recover from a person like this and to warn those that might see it now.

Broken – 21 Days – Days 10, 11, and 12

What a weekend! It was fun. I went out with Darcey twice. One we just went to live music for the first time in a long time. It was an older crowd but we had fun. We drew some attention for sure.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

What a weekend! It was fun. I went out with Darcey twice. First night we went to live music for the first time in a long time. It was an older crowd but we had fun. We drew some attention for sure. But before the live music we ate at a favorite spot. And my whorey past immediately caught up with me.

I spotted a date fail out that night. And for some reason the date fail and her friend she was with spent most of the night looking at me. And Darcey was noticing most of it. Tough to know what they were thinking but it was certainly something.

The next day I recovered from the late night and Darcey and I had plans to go Salsa Dancing. We took a class. We got there and noticed immediately we were the youngest people there. We intentionally picked a Match.com event to meet potentially other singles. It was fun but we were clearly not going to be having a social night with the group even though we spoke with, danced with, and met many people. Darcey said I was a hit both socially and dancing. It felt good that she thought I did great I was very unaware of any effect on the room. And I can now Salsa… 🙂

We decided to go to a bar near by and it had a great vibe. Plus it lends itself to a social environment. We sat down and immediately noticed the AC duct work was dripping. It was a humid night. The couple next to us shared a few laughs as we noticed.

We started doing our people watching and made a story up for every person or couple at the bar. Most were couples. The couple next to us left and two younger girls sat down. I immediately let theme know they should expect the drip.

One of the girls was gorgeous. Naturally beautiful. Darcey said she was so pretty she came with her hair in a bun because she doesn’t even need to try. The other girl was cute, dimples, wholesome looking.

Darcey and I switched back to conversation between us. It even got serious for a moment. It was ok but it is hard on me at times. Because of my unsure footing it is hard to know what to say because I still am exploring how I feel. But we didn’t want to fully go that route.

We went back to focus on some guy in the bar who was into something and we finally realized he was reading. So our conversation went there when I heard the girls talking about the same thing. I exclaimed “Ok what is he reading at a loud bar on a Saturday night?” Game on!! The girls laughed and we started speculating.

It turned quickly into me letting them in on all our stories for each person/couple at the bar. We suddenly became loud and very noticeable. Every one in the bar was noticing us and you can tell we changed the mood and energy of the place.

We started sharing stories and then the bartenders and wait staff couldn’t resist us. They were already flirting with the girls but it turned into a fun time. They even bought the four of us shots as if we were there together. They asked us hypothetical questions as one of the waiters was a psych major. We even asked the bartender to figure out what the guy was reading. He reported back to us. A Peruvian memoir.

We were laughing and having a great time. But it came time to get to know each other. Gorgeous girl asked us what our stories were. I said the abridged version is “We are both in the process of divorce and we are just coming from toxic relationships. We found each other while dating but decided to be friends.” Darcey added… “That fuck here and there.” We were all dying laughing. I asked them what their stories were.

Adorable girl took over there she just broke up with her boyfriend after 7 years just 3 days prior. I asked “wow! how old are you?” “24” she said. Gorgeous girl chimed in with a 27. Darcey and I came to her support telling her it is better to be sure. Don’t settle. She said “he is a nice guy.” I said “don’t think like that.” “It’s not relevant if you don’t feel like this is the one.”

She was so grateful for our support she called us “her angels” or “our angels” I can’t remember. I said “well we are just you in 20 years if you marry to young.” She laughed “20 years!! you guys aren’t 44!” I said actually “I am 46.” They both freaked out. They said “you guys are in your late 20’s right?” Darcey and I laughed. I said nope I even have a 17 year old. And Darcey had teenagers as well. They demanded our Id’s and when they saw the year they nearly fell out of their chairs.

It was a very sweet response. It made our day. We had so much fun and drew so much attention I looked up and saw pretty much all eyes on our good time. I even caught this very frisky couple looking extensively at us. I turned to younger girl and said “want to hear something so funny? The couple over there are swingers” “If you look over there, within a few seconds they will look back with I want to fuck eyes.” She looked and died. “Oh my god!” “How did you know?” I said “it’s not my first rodeo.”

This went on for probably a good hour of just swapping stories and sharing laughs. It was like a kindred spirit night. The girls were adorable, fun and sweet. Much like Darcey and I. They even laughed at the dirty jokes.

This was the night I had been waiting so long for. It was a confidence booster but just a fun night in general. Two introverts took over the scene that night. Darcey stayed over and sex occurred. We were both drunk, so drunk. I would tell you about it but I was foggy at that point.

The next morning we went for breakfast. We recounted our night but as soon as we were on our way to grab our breakfast. Guess who we saw. Yep walking my typical Sunday morning route at my Sunday morning time. Darcey saw it first hand. Hailey likely saw both of us and this will manifest in some form of behavior.

It is a quick reminder of the juxtaposition of healing and still being reminded of my past. Anyways great weekend. The girls were so much fun. It was friendly, little flirty but just genuinely spontaneous organic social fun. For a group of people that were decades apart.

Broken – 21 Days Day 9

Ok so I saw her yesterday… again… a bunch. I am not resetting I am looking forward. I have broken my habit of looking for her. But one thing is for sure she is playing the game again. I am just not playing with her.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Ok so I saw her yesterday… again… a bunch. I am not resetting I am looking forward. I have broken my habit of looking for her. But one thing is for sure she is playing the game again. I am just not playing with her. She crossed my building 6 times yesterday and ate at the other restaurant in the neighborhood by herself again. The very one we sat next to each other last time.

I was about to go out but decided to take a look around to make sure I wouldn’t see her. When I found her car parked elsewhere I knew she was lying in wait, ready to entrap me. Like a snake in the grass. This is sad. The lengths of which she will go to to make sure I won’t forget her to hold on to control. To gain some fuel. It is ridiculous.

But she is playing a one player game. You could never understand the toxicity that one person can bring. I never even thought this was possible. I am not affected I didn’t see her face. I am managing to look past it.

One can assumer her guy is away again and this is the pattern that repeats. She has no fuel, comes looking for me. Then will decide me avoiding her is a rejection then will be back and proud soon. I haven’t seen her car in 2.5 weeks. But I am almost certain it will be parked again soon.

Why? Probably So she can draw me in, make me feel like it’s safe to be out where I live. She is even mirroring me. She wears an all black workout clothes for her walk. As do I. She walks when I run again. Her friend is around suddenly again. She is back to her old patterns.

This isn’t commentary about me not being able to get past this. Just on how hard it is to escape these types of people. I am not imagining it. I live with people in my building that I have become very friendly with and don’t see this much. A couple of attractive women I wouldn’t mind seeing more of as well.

But the weekend has arrived and I will be getting out a lot. And can’t wait. Hope everyone has a good weekend as well.

Broken – 21 Days Day 8

I kind of saw her but that whole stay enough away to not make eye contact or directly see her face worked. I went for my run it looked like she was at the restaurant. But I used peripheral vision. Then the same when I went out later.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I kind of saw her but that whole stay enough away to not make eye contact or directly see her face worked. I went for my run it looked like she was at the restaurant. But I used peripheral vision. Then the same when I went out later for dinner.

I only noticed her by her friend. So instead of looking at her I looked at the person next to her. It was confirmed when I caught them sort of following where I was going. I saw her friend and the blonde head and I immediately crossed the street and transcended the block. She is such a pain in the ass. Good thing the other place was crowded and I went a couple blocks away. Or she may have pinned me in.

My staycation with Dre is coming soon. We are going to whore it up in a big city. Getting through the next week or so should be “easy”. I do have some pressing work stuff. TMI here I have been getting way more erections lately. But it had me thinking about things.

As an INFJ deeper connections are more important. And for all intense and purposes my dick is connected directly to my heart and brain. Even for casual sex minus a few moments I need to feel a connection. But that fucking “N” in the INFJ… intuition and being an empath on top of it. I have to “feel” everything. I had issues with staying hard with Hailey. Why? I hadn’t really with anyone else.

Was my intuition trying to sabotage me? Was it deliberately like… This chick is bad fucking news. I am taking away erection privileges..? I thought initially it was cause I was so attracted to her, I would instantly overheat. That last part is true but not so sure about the first one.

I swear my body was a five alarm fire when she walked through that door last July. I asked her “why she was there” almost immediately. But it’s not just about her. I have considered some group sex/swinging recently and I literally can’t just “do it”. The woman will have to be attracted to me and show me that. I can’t be just a dick. lol. What is wrong with me?

Sometimes being a complex person is great. I can connect with someone’s soul but the other times it can be a big fucking nuisance. Intuition is great but it’s like the TV is on just a little too loud and it can overwhelm you suddenly.

Sometimes it keeps something from happening it costs me early in dating like the first few dates. I am trying to “feel” if this person is attracted to me. And I forget to show my own interest. My intuition is looking for something like permission to give it a go. Probably a bit protective of rejection and awkward moments.

There are silver linings when you suffer from abuse or a toxic relationship. There is a lot of examination. Self reflection. And one of the big ones is knowing yourself better. We are always stronger when we “fail” or get knocked down. This isn’t an ideal path to self discovery but I know myself better than I ever have. I feel stronger than I ever have.

Broken – 21 Days – 6 and 7

Something happened that required my attention the other day. So I haven’t blogged. I haven’t seen Hailey since Friday and it feels great. That was for a few seconds. It has been well over a week since I had to reset. But even then it has been largely Hailey free for 14 days. It’s nice.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Something happened that required my attention the other day. So I haven’t blogged. I haven’t seen Hailey since Friday and it feels great. That was for a few seconds. It has been well over a week since I had to reset. But even then it has been largely Hailey free for 14 days. It’s nice.

I have been running and working out and added a new song the other day. And it reminds me of my relationship with Darcey. “I need a Dr.” By Dr. Dre featuring Eminem. There are times where I am Em and she is Dre and then it gets flipped. But it is about their relationship and how they believe in each other. And the self doubt when you are pioneers in your industry or believe in something and how you can draw haters pursuing it. It can be applied to anything.

And they add a touch of “Fuck You” to the doubters. It feels right. It gives me that “Hope” and “Angst” a combo that I just love. Something pure but with edge. Because they got it right… if you are a phony fuck off who needs you anyways.

Which is ironic because I am more of a diplomat in my professional world. A team player a team oriented person. Same with sports but there is a reason for it then, it’s about winning and success and fuck you to teammates doesn’t work. You have to believe in each other. You don’t have to like each other.

But Darcey is different. She feels like my teammate the one that I like. Belief in me is hard to come by. I have an edge. I will tell you what I think, I will hold people accountable. It was undoubtedly the end of my relationship with Hailey. She did terrible things but that wasn’t it, it was me holding her accountable for them. And in some small way that is always the case when I lose people. I held my ex wife accountable at the end as well.

I will always try the diplomatic route until I can’t but once I am done, I am done. I will die on that hill. I will hold you accountable and I will be unmovable. I am not sure how I feel about this, it’s just in my INFJ DNA. It costs me relationships. But are they worth having if you need to die on a hill? Or hold someone accountable when they can’t be accountable themselves?

Footnote here… Dre is one of the most influential producers/artists music has ever seen. I don’t think he gets enough credit for it. He was one of the geniuses behind NWA. He found Snoop, Tupac, Eminem, the list goes on. And he redefined and created a huge universe for Hip Hop and he still he had doubters.

But he just needed one believer and Em was his hope. And the ones who believe in us and each other are the the relationships worth keeping. That combo always seems to come out on top and I have such gratitude for those people.

But to tie a nice bow on this. Narcissistic assholes will always prey on you when you are at your weakest or lowest. They will ensnare you with love bombing or push you back in the dirt depending on where you are in their cycle of abuse. Dre was right… “Fucking backstabbers!”

Also I added dips to my workout as a tribute to Dre. And I might rename Darcey to Dre or Em. lol!!

Broken – 21 Days – Days 3, 4, and 5

Well day 3 I saw her but i am not resetting the clock again. As the habit is forming of not looking for her. I just was pulling out of my parking lot and had no choice. It was so brief.

Well day 3 I saw her but i am not resetting the clock again. As the habit is forming of not looking for her. I just was pulling out of my parking lot and had no choice. It was so brief. Darcey said she may have seen her on while she was on her way for a beach day and lunch with me.

It doesn’t matter I had a good weekend. I visited family spent time with the kids even made it out a couple of times. One was just to a bar for one drink. I just needed to extend my evening even though I was tired.

As I walked out of the restaurant to walk home three women/girls (over 21 but probably under 30) were sitting there and one of them said something loud enough that I looked up and right at her. She said “I just want you to know, you look amazing tonight.” I replied “Thank you. As do you.” And walked home. That was a nice compliment and a great ending to the evening.

I told Darcey and we laughed both at the incident and my polite and friendly reply. Sunday night I decided to take a drive with the dog and called her to chat on my way back. I finished my drive and as I started making my way into the building when I asked her to hold on a second as I reached the door.

I noticed am attractive tall blonde girl waiting for the elevators. And I knew there would be conversation. I didn’t have time to tell Darcey this but she just sat there able to listen to the entire exchange. The girl was very friendly and even a little flirty or so I thought. She said “your dog is sooo cute.” I said thank you I told her the name and the breed when she asked. Then she said I like your shirt. It was a shirt of a rock band. We said goodbye and have a nice evening.

I picked back up the phone and Darcey said something to the effect of… “Um. Oh My God.” I was like what? kind of coy. She asked “Does that happen to you all the time?” I said “well… yes kind of.” And she said “you even knew it before you got on the elevator didn’t you? That is why you asked me to hold on.” Nothing gets by her.

I just laughed totally caught but it was nice to have someone witness this. I asked if I handled everything ok. She said yes. I asked was she flirting. She said “YES!!” So lots of nice little moments this week and I enjoyed them thoroughly.

Broken – 21 Days – Day 2 second attempt

Day 1 was pretty good. I have to admit maybe there was something to restarting. Had another event for a child schools almost done. It is good to see it getting closer to normal.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Day 1 was pretty good. I have to admit maybe there was something to restarting. Like giving myself a clean slate. And I didn’t try so hard I did smaller things. Like keep my eyes straight ahead in the danger areas. Part of seeing is just I maybe the most observant person I know. There isn’t anything I don’t notice. I remember it like data. It’s odd. So a little bit of focus on putting blinders up maybe all that is needed. Sometimes a fresh set of eyes is super helpful.

Had another event for on of the kids at school. The year is almost done. It is good to see it getting closer to normal. But the school is where you are reminded of the lingering affects of the pandemic.

My state is doing great. But it’s sad to think about all those affected in very profound and even smaller ways. Just about everywhere is fully back to normal. And an entire summer is in front of us. But alot of people won’t be enjoying it as much as others. And if there are any people that is true for reading my blog. My thoughts are with you.

Father’s Day is this weekend and so my headspace is with my kids. And how great they are. I really truly couldn’t be prouder. I hope they can return to a normal school year next year. Experience all their extra curricular activities. There is so much they missed out on.

Last night was a return to post covid whore tour. Darcey and I went out and let’s just say it was a happy ending. We are trying to be friends but inevitably one of us drags the other into sex. Oops. Lol!!

Broken – 21 Days – Day 6 but back to 1

That’s right I am starting over. Why because I saw her multiple times yesterday. My body reacts to it there is nothing I can do about that. It only lasts a few seconds and then goes away but it’s there.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

That’s right I am starting over. Why because I saw her multiple times yesterday. My body reacts to it there is nothing I can do about that. It only lasts a few seconds and then goes away but it’s there. It’s a monumental leap from losing sleep in March and April. I am not looking for her. My strategy this time is to do what I always do but stay away from the area in front of his building.

The only time I will go is on my run. But I did see them on my run yesterday so there is a risk. I can keep going until this dwindles down to nothing but I don’t know when that will be. I don’t feel stuck or beholden to this. I don’t even need to do what I am doing. I make plans without this consideration. I look forward to my future and life.

Nothing is causing me to seek it out right now. It is just happening because of our proximity. It makes it damn near impossible to not cross paths. He is on one side of me she is on the other. To get out of my area, I have to cross her path or his. Why? I am literally surrounded by water on 3 sides. I can’t drive more than a .5 mile without being in a body of water.

They say with a narcissist “when you know you go” and “get out and stay out”. The problematic dynamic is if you had kids with one. Typically they count on the ability to create physical and digital space between a victim and a narcissist in order to maintain a No Contact Regime. That is what I have been and am attempting to do now. The trouble with No Contact is it is supposed to be no visuals, no drive by’s, walk by’s, messages on digital or otherwise.

But in assessing my situation it can be a failure not to recognize her ability to inject herself. Every time I have tried to rid her of my existence she shows up. Facebook, Instagram, emails, texts, and dating apps. I have blocked her every way I can.

But by living here and seeing someone here she has a reason to cross my path every day all day. She has followed me, he has followed me, she goes to the places I like to go but does it on the nights that I like to go.

To understand what I am dealing with you need to understand her mentality. It’s not relentless in that she thinks about this all the time. It’s that they manipulate their world so they can be this way. I am going to put a full article from HG Tudor describing how hard this can be- Entitled “Why Not Let Me Go?”

Release – why will the narcissist let you go and get on with your life peacefully?

It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have disengaged from us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Why not release you? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you and why we will not release you. Here are the reasons why.

1.      Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.

2.      Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.

3.      Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.

4.      Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.

5.      Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.

6.      Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain.

7.      Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.

8.      Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.

Thus there are several reasons why we will not release you  and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.

So securing my freedom when we practically live in the same space is where this gets tricky. I have tried to make myself radioactive, tried to show her she doesn’t affect me, tried to disappear, tried to make my presence uncomfortable for her. None of it is effective for more than a few days at a time. The only way through is to try and make her irrelevant and that is what I am working on. But it’s not easy when I don’t have more than a few days of distance from it. So for that reason I am restarting the clock. I am trying to purge her completely. Not just pretend she doesn’t exist. I can do that all the live long day. But it is pretending and I want to make it real.

This needs to work but I will try to be reasonable about it. Because the presence really doesn’t affect me that much it just keeps me engaged or aware enough to where this doesn’t go away. And I have wanted nothing more since last November than for her to go away.

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