Broken – Did she just…?

Hailey came to visit at the office one more time before our planned weekend together. We just went to the cafeteria and got a salad. It was sweet, regular, void of the usual drama that came with out interactions lately good or bad. We were back to just being together and it was nice.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey came to visit at the office one more time before our planned weekend together. We just went to the cafeteria and got a salad. It was sweet, regular, void of the usual drama that came with our interactions lately good or bad. We were back to just being together and it was nice.

We talked about her and I, the kids, her separation and the new place that she was about to move into. What she thought she needed. Mattresses, technology, etc. She found comfort in me. She often said I had a parental like presence.

We started talking about the pitfalls of teenage kids and what was going on at our kids high school (cause of course our oldest’s were in the same grade). Then suddenly she did something I will never forget.

She was talking to me about a rumor she heard about a girl at our kids school. We giggled then she said “let’s see if it is true.” I thought she was just giddy from our conversation and the sex that came before salad. Just a quick bend over against the wall that day.

But she texted her daughter and what I saw next would stick with me in a file this away for later kind of way. She said to her daughter. “do you know this girl?” her daughter said “yes”. Then I watched her pause as if to plan her next message. “Oh ok… is there something going on? Nevermind. No big deal.” Then her daughter incessantly was asking… “What?” “What have you heard?” No response from Hailey and her daughter kept at it… “Just tell me.” This went on for about 10 minutes. And her daughter called. She finally caved and told her daughter what she heard. Rumor was not true.

All I could think about as I watched this exchange was what a funny way to talk to your child. I wasn’t sure at that moment but I thought… did I just witness her manipulate her? It was bizarre. I had never seen this way of communicating with like what I could only describe as a criminal like mind. It seemed innocent enough and at the time I didn’t know what to make other than I didn’t like it.

It made me feel less trusting and I wasn’t sure where this came from and wasn’t exactly sure what I just witnessed. But beyond that kind of underhanded activity it also was a microcosm of our dynamic. So peaceful and perfect and loving suddenly with a side of unnecessary drama. I was relieved for once that it wasn’t aimed at me but it stuck so strongly with me that here I am mentioning it over a year later.

Broken – Reclamation

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was just about a week since the email. Finally we agreed to discuss it in person and work out the logistics. We had already made a plan to spend some time together but that was tenuous, at least to me, until we spoke. I had moved to a new office so she would come to visit me there. As the time approached my stomach was butterflies. How would i react to this conversation?

This new office space was one of those co working spaces but had doors to our offices. She texted she was about to arrive. I waited out on the patio for her. She walked up and she looked good as usual, a summery sun dress. I ushered her to my office. I said “do you want to go first?” She said she understood how I felt and that she was sorry but felt it was important to have some freedom but that she loved me so much. It was difficult to reconcile these two things.

I said I made a decision I still wanted her in my life and was not ready to say good bye. We both talked about the logistics. I said I don’t want to hear about you being on dates. She was surprised. Almost as if I should be supportive of it. I told her this time and a few other times I can support you in anything except you breaking my heart. And in that I will be in self preservation mode. I didn’t understand it at the time but it would have greater significance at some point.

The conversation wasn’t as difficult as i thought. There was always this thing that changed from text to in person. Like our physical presence with each other creates a peace, or at least that is what I felt.

We hadn’t had sex or been intimate in about 6 weeks but I could tell she wanted to be. I had it in the back of my mind that it might be the case. And I remember something a polyamorous person said to me once, about when she would go back to her husband after a date. He would have something called reclamation sex. And I thought if Hailey and I are going to have sex I am going to go that route. The woman never explained that there was any style to this just that she had to have sex with him shortly after seeing someone else. But in my mind if sex was on the table I was going to fuck her within an inch of her life.

We started to kiss and like always sparks flew. I started to run my hands down her body and over her bubble butt that I loved. I squeezed… hard. I hoisted her up underneath her ass as if she was a feather, I had so much adrenaline running through my veins at that point I could have bench pressed a Buick. I placed her back flat on the desk. I pulled up her skirt and went down and attacked her pussy with my tongue and lips. Pleasure was only second on my mind. I was making sure she knew whose it was. I was forceful but not rough. I sucked on her clit like I was angry with it. She moaned and I didn’t care if anyone in the office could hear. I did this til she begged me to fuck her.

As I stood up I slid two fingers in her and griped her down there just to hold her by it. I wanted no interruption on me owning her there. My other hand yanked down my pants as if I had practiced it and then grabbed my already engorged cock and shoved it in. I was not gentle but had no intention to hurt her, just dominate. I was reclaiming her and I was angry about her decision. So I tried to let my natural most primal Dom show through. I looked her in the eye as I would withdraw slow and slam into her fast with all the force I could muster. But I wasn’t satisfied with my control yet. I needed more. I grabbed her throat and squeezed, not hard enough to completely cut off her air but enough to where it was not easy to breathe.

I fucked her relentlessly and didn’t even care if she came or if she had pleasure. I wanted total and utter dominance. I wasn’t going to stop until I saw it in her eyes. Finally when I saw her nearly pass out from less oxygen and just getting pounded I knew it was time to cum. I can cum quite a bit and something about the nature of this encounter I knew I was going to fill her up. When I was about to let go I leaned over her almost missionary while she was on top of the desk. And grabbed a handful of hair and forced her eyes on me. I came so hard and kissed her like life depended upon it as I filled her up. She was spent. I think she even said wow.

During these encounters I feel like it is important to be gentle after. I couldn’t snuggle but I stood her up fixed her dress grabbed her face and kissed her. And asked would you like some lunch? She said no I am meeting my friend. I said ok. We sat down and talked for a bit then we said good bye.

I got a text from her later with a selfie with her and her friend at lunch. And the funniest thing ever texted to me… “Um ya we had lunch on the patio and I got up and you came flying out of me in front of my friend.” (She never wore panties). We laughed we had the same sense of humor.

I have never used sex to my advantage in my life until that day. I have never unleashed my full primal up to that point. And it felt good. It would be difficult to replicate because of the heightened emotion because there was all the angst of a Punk Rock song in that moment. But would this keep Hailey close…?

Broken – Love Sick

Hailey were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey and I were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different. I knew a change was coming but I just didn’t know what.

One moment she would even say “I love you”. The next was “things are different”. I just had no idea what was going through her mind and she could not articulate it. This would go on for the better part of a month.

I was absolutely torn up. I was in love just a minute ago. WTF! I would always be honest with her about my feelings. Even if it seemed desperate. But I didn’t overwhelm her with them either. I wanted to listen to see if we could work through this. So I treaded carefully.

I would have to be emotionally supportive. She is going through a separation and she was homeless. Although part of me wanted to say “you chose this”. You forced this. But it felt insensitive. Finally after my trip from hell and her long bout with vaca the first just her and the kids and her second one with James and the kids we would finally be in the same space at the same time.

She offered to meet to talk. I told her I was love sick. But she came with an agenda. I was married and she was single. She would do whatever she wanted and that was that. I could chose to still see her but had to accept it. My first inclination was to say no. We were in love. Can’t you just wait a little? I mustered a let’s think about it. We texted later that night. And I can’t remember what I said but it pissed her off and she went silent on me I then knew it was her way or the highway.

After a few days of damage control we managed to tamp things down a bit and she sent me an email because she thought she needed to write it out in order to articulate.

So there is a lot here.  First, James has said many things to me in regards to me “convincing” him he should pick me or we should be together, and therefore fuck me for now choosing otherwise.  I have the weight of your marriage on me, I want to see you, I would like to see you.  Not seeing you can be annoying.  But if you hurry along in fear of my patience wearing out, and then I’m like, “nah, we’re not going to work” then fuck me for hurrying you along.

Then, there is this, I like you so much, you seem quite perfect for me except for the fact that you are opposite of what/who I am normally drawn to.  This makes me sigh with relief at times and other times I panic like, it’s because you are opposite of everyone who has broken my heart but does that work long term. If someone told me, i really like you but I need to see other people to make sure, I’d be like fuck off shit head. 

And I’m not sure that’s really why I want or think I need to but something in me is saying don’t commit to anything til you can take a breath.  I know you’re not asking for commitment and you are not even separated but still I think this is the time to accept an invitation if presented with one,  but don’t worry, it’s not happened for months.  Maybe this stems from a declined invitation, I kind of wish I’d accepted just because I haven’t had one for a long time.  How am I doing?  I love you, I like you, I enjoy you, even the bits of you that make me roll my eyes are endearing.  We have good chemistry.  I’m looking forward to next weekend.  xo

How is that for a mixed message?

Broken – My Journey

I know I write mostly about Hailey and I, even Hailey and James. Mostly because that was such a big part of the story. I know for some there seems to be this critical piece that was missing. Home life.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I know I write mostly about Hailey and I, even Hailey and James. Mostly because that was such a big part of the story. I know for some there seems to be this critical piece that was missing. Home life.

After all this time I am still fiercely protective. I feel like myself, Hailey and James have done enough, terrible and not, to deserve judgement but not my wife. While not innocent in our marital demise. She certainly didn’t deserve this anymore than I deserved her initial abandonment of a romantic relationship with her husband.

The truth on why I could do this without being detected was mostly that any romantic part was dead, we were on auto pilot. I didn’t have to withdraw from anything. Family was easy to compartmentalize in this space because that is all there was. And I was enthusiastic about the kids and even coparenting we made such a good team. So I never had to alter really anything.

But it definitely ate away at me, all I could think about was how can I live this lie at home. Also, even selfishly, do I have to sacrifice myself as a romantic and sexual being for it. And that was only one aspect of how our marriage was broken. The truth is I had this realization before Hailey even came into the picture.

I had fallen on hard times and had an opportunity that would not only benefit me but the entire family. All that was needed was a small sacrifice in our week to week routine. And it was met with a HARD No. Immediate impasse. I realized I had no choices for myself. Nothing was left for me. It was a difficult realization to make. Probably at the worst time considering my mid-life crisis years were upcoming. But this moment there was the change in me. The straw that broke the Camels back. Within weeks I made the decision that led to Hailey. Probably not the best way to deal with what happened. It seems like a leap to go to seeking intimacy and attention from having a terrible realization about no control. But it made sense to me. Does someone else value me more than just a provider am I an attractive human being that could be loved someday for just being me. Man did that get away from me.

Unwinding almost 20 years of marriage would take time and it would even take a little more than I thought. My plan was always to see through the summer Hailey became single and then it would be time. But it was about a year before that my wife detected a shift and confronted me on it. It really wasn’t about Hailey it was too new. It was about that moment I mentioned before- a lost opportunity and how upset and hurt I was I couldn’t take it. I explained how it affected me and all the other troubles in our marriage. And we fought like we never have. It was almost then that we split but I wasn’t ready yet. And repaired a little of the damage done. I know I said I made two selfish choices in the last 20 years and maybe a third was not to break up, but I just don’t know. It would would have been so sudden. And I hadn’t thought through it very much at that point. But also I couldn’t bare to break my wife’s heart.

I anticipated a second discussion. One that had her saying nothing has changed in a year. Because at some point she was looking for engagement. She was seeking and watching me to see if I would ‘try’ again in a romantic sense. And I expected that discussion to occur at the same time as it did one year prior. But something happened, a big life event, and that conversation wasn’t forthcoming. I knew this would delay things a bit and I would have to do the worst case scenario… Initiate this process. It would cause me to lose many nights of sleep and even have anxiety attacks. But in the end it had to be done.

See my wife and I were steady as she goes people. We don’t vacillate like Hailey and James do. A decision is made and likely an outcome is shortly to follow. We were doers not talkers. So I know when I told her I was no longer happy and wanted out it would move fast to our new reality. It would not be messy relatively to most people.

I always knew when it was time I would know. Even through all this I had belief in myself to make the right decision at the right time and try to make it as relatively easy for everyone. I was going to take a leap of faith and it would be soon it was just a matter of how soon.

I hope this helps fill the gaps on my mindset regarding family. I tried to share what I can about this. And it’s all my perspective. I loved them and at the end of the day I had a choice to just be honest and do what I should have done in the first place before getting involved with someone else. And didn’t and I own that. It’s not the decision I would make again and there are certainly aspects where I have some guilt and shame with it, but I would never go as far to say I regret it.

It’s heartbreaking on so many levels and not just for me. It put me on a path, one that I need to be on and sometimes these paths are initially treacherous but sometimes they are the ones that need to be taken to get to where we need to be…

Broken – I Can’t Believe This

It was a few days after I spent that first night with her and she was different. I couldn’t tell what… just in those few days, but she gave me quite a few “you better hurry” jokes. But I brushed them off as her being charming. We liked to needle each other in a fun way. It was part of our rapport.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was a few days after I spent that first night with her and she was different. I couldn’t tell what… just in those few days, but she gave me quite a few “you better hurry” jokes. But I brushed them off as her being charming. We liked to needle each other in a fun way. It was part of our rapport.

My family vacation was coming and likely the last one I would probably have. And I really needed to switch gears and prepare for myself. But it also signaled a time and space where it would be a month til we could see each other.

She would go away a few days after I left and then be back a few days before I got back but then would leave again. If it sounds confusing it was. We just knew we wouldn’t be able to see each other til late July. Hailey always said “I hate when you go on this trip”. I never understood this she even said it last year even before she was separated. Not to mention she was going away with James and the kids after her separation. And I wondered… “how is that any different you have only been on your own a few short days.”

In my logical brain I knew that there would be a transition after separation. A moment of sadness and a hard time logistically as you entered a new phase of family and spending time away from the kids. It wasn’t this way with her. She was instantly in single mode. I thought- Ok this is probably what it’s like after 14 years of marriage. She had already been out with me and girlfriends just in the first week. But I thought that is just Hailey

Then on the day I was leaving we were messaging and I was trying to see if she had places to stay and enough plans. She said she would be homeless for about 10 days and would try to figure somethings out. This broke my heart. I even offered to pay for a room for her.

Then in the course of our conversation she blurted out “something is different” and “things have changed”. I asked “what are you talking about?” “Well I am just dating a married man now” Hailey said. “And one that isn’t available”. I honestly didn’t know how to respond. My heart sank. Didn’t we tell each other we loved each other just the other day? How could this be?

Then she hit me with it… “Someone asked me out to dinner and I was flattered.” Instant heartbreak. There is something about me where when someone no longer wants me I shift into goodbye mode very quickly. So I started to shift into final language. But she reeled me back. She said “I am not going but I need to think about this and where I am at.” Even as I write this now I can feel my heart rate elevate and get warm from adrenaline. I am a cut to the quick type of person so I ask… “Does this mean you are done?” She said “not necessarily”. Just ugh.. to the bathroom to cry before I get on the plane.

Looking back Hailey would always drop these leading and open ended statements like “Someone asked me out to dinner and I was flattered”. It was the first time I ever thought I may never see her again. And unfortunately it wouldn’t be the last.

Broken – Hailey’s Single

It was June and the house was sold. The process of moving had begun and James had already found a townhouse in the city right next door. Hailey found a place that wouldn’t be ready til August.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was June and the house was sold. The process of moving had begun and James had already found a townhouse in the city right next door. Hailey found a place that wouldn’t be ready til August. Here is why you look before you leap. I questioned this and but she had a bunch of vacation planned and would spend some at her friends, AirBnb, and nights with the kids at James’.

I hated that plan but there was little I could do. Her first night as a newly single person I managed to free myself. We met for drinks but she was upset because I didn’t offer her dinner. And of course we could have had dinner. But I never remarked that this was a special occasion. Was I supposed to? There is sadness in this day as well certainly? I wasn’t sure a celebration was in order.

She never mentioned it to me until later and looking back I know why. But we had our drink and then decided to have some fun in the parking lot. I wanted to give her such pleasure. She looked really good. I laid her down in the back seat and I am sure she would be convinced I would fuck her. But I wanted to just give her an endless supply of pleasure. I may have had it in the back of my mind that she was a free person and it felt sudden that it happened. But I wanted to remind her no one could make her feel like I could.

I found myself kissing her chest and pulling up her sundress. Then putting my hand on her and touching her. Feeling her wetness and rubbing her. She really loved when I touched her and I really liked to touch her as well. I slid my fingers inside and felt around for her spot. Once I find it, I relentlessly touch it with a variety of speeds and pressure I want her to feel it all. I put my mouth on her clit and make out with it if it were the lips on her face.

I kept going until she came. I love that moment where it all gets tight you can feel it and feel the abdomen, the arch in the back, the collapse on your way down. It is my very favorite thing about sex when giving that to someone. And then when satisfied I climbed on top and pushed myself in her. Looked deep into her soul and made love to her.

It was a good night but she was particularly harsh on letting me go that night. I had to be home at a normal time, but she had all the freedom. Something was different. I knew she had a patience problem but already? And instantly I felt her angst around the juxtaposition of our situations. Overnight I felt insecure.

Note: Bonus extra daily post for a couple special readers (Nora, Cara) you guys keep me going and encourage me when this story can be hard to tell at times. Thank You!

Broken – Our First Overnight

It was April a few months after our first year plus long relationship that we had a chance to have an overnight. My family was away and I was home. I set up the downstairs in a nice way to accommodate us for the night.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was April a few months after our first year plus long relationship that we had a chance to have an overnight. My family was away and I was home. I set up the downstairs in a nice way to accommodate us for the night. She was in a place in early in her separation (still living together) but where she could get away for one night.

I wanted to just experience a normal night with her have a few drinks and watch a movie of course there would be sex. And that moment occurred shortly after she arrived. We started to drink and Hailey liked her wine. We lasted maybe 45 minutes before she went down on her knees and pulled me out and put me in her mouth. The thing about Hailey was her eyes when she was down there looking back at me sent me into a place I never wanted to leave.

As usual we couldn’t wait any longer for me to be inside. She pulled down her jeans and bent over in front of me. I thrust my cock in her and I could feel her back into me. Her warm wet tight grip as I started to take over. A hand on her hip for leverage, a fistful of her hair for effect. As I took her passionately from behind she looked back at me with a sexy look. It drove me crazy. Her look and her moans were intoxicating and made me put that effort to drive harder and deeper. I couldn’t be deep enough. And as she started screaming I am cumming so did I. It was magic.

We then curled up on the couch and watched the Martian she said this is “our movie” and that made me feel great. We laughed, we snuggled, we shared a look of that evening into our future. We finally went to bed. Had sex again just normally as a couple might do while going to bed. She climbed on top and fucked me and I was in a tired but aroused state. It was good. Then we slept, this is where we found a strange compatibility… Hailey has the sort of strange bedtime rituals and she was like a furnace and I liked to be cool. She would drape herself over me and I would inch away. We laughed about it. She was a little upset. I joked (somewhat)… if we live together we could have two separate bedrooms if necessary and conjugal visits.

It was a good stay I was comfortable with her. It was like we had been together for a long time and we had but in a way we had never been. We had sex again in the morning. I made her breakfast just some coffee and toast. We hung out for a little while and it was time to bring her back and of course she discovered she lost her earring. I tried to make it like it was no big deal. But I was a little panicky. Another Hailey chaotic moment. I would always wonder if that was intentional or not.

It was interesting to face our future over the next several months. But for that one night I thought I love her and we could be together.

Broken – The First Meeting

As we narrowed our meeting to a day and time we had some obstacles to overcome. It would be a couple weeks from when we matched to the time we could meet. But that day was coming. In between that time I would send her long texts of erotica.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

As we narrowed our meeting to a day and time we had some obstacles to overcome. It would be a couple weeks from when we matched to the time we could meet. But that day was coming. In between that time I would send her long texts of erotica. Stuff from my head that I would like to do to her. She really liked it. I tend to think different than most men when it comes to sex and the build up and she really appreciated that.

We decided to meet probably on a Wed. or mid week. We both had freedom from work and she said she could meet me near my office. At that time I was working almost solo out of my office. I was the only one ever there. There was a decent restaurant across the street. I invited her to meet me there and I would be at the bar. I arrived early and she arrived late… she was always a few minutes late. She is chaotic by nature but it wasn’t egregious, or at least at that time.

I was nervous and excited and finally saw the top of her head. She is around 5’4 with blonde shorter hair and petite but curvy. She has a beautiful all american girl next door face, but knows how to carry herself and she adds sex appeal. Think Jennifer Anniston. She spots me and comes sit next to me. We introduce each other and start with conversation.

Our conversation flows easily, she likes to listen to me and engages very well in dialogue. We even have a funny moment where I gasped at something we both liked. She teased me but I liked that. Because earlier when all was revealed she also teased me that she thought I was gay. Which would be an ongoing joke for a long time.

She made me feel confident and brought out a good kind of playful even risky side to me. This would factor into many different encounters in the future. But in that moment it felt great. I had to take a phone call in the middle of our lunch as she finished her french onion soup. I quickly came back 10 minutes later and she sat closer and i opened myself to her. I could feel this going in a sexy direction. She even ran her hand up my thigh I thought she would stop well short of my package. But nope she grabbed hold. I was in heaven.

At that moment I asked her back to the office so I could kiss her. She accompanied me back and I made her feel at home took her jacket and then grabbed her face gently and kissed her sensually and passionately as if life depended on it. And wow!! It was electric we kissed the same exact way. It was insane.

I figured that is as far as it would go as that this is a pretty good start, but she turned around and pressed her amazing ass against my crotch and I couldn’t believe what we were about to do. I pulled her pants down with her help and then unzipped myself and pushed my way in her as quickly as I could. As I bent her back over my desk. It wasn’t about rushing, it was about feeling her as closely as I could. This was sexy but there was something underlying our connection. I began to grab her hips and thrust into her. She did one of the sexiest things a woman can do she looked back and looked me in the eyes.

I continued to fuck her right there in the office. And I thought wow! I can’t believe I am doing this. She wanted me on top of her. So she laid down on the floor and i climbed on top. I started to push my way in her and give her some more on the floor. But the funniest thing was happening. My knees were getting so rug burned it was distracting me something awful. I was also starting to overheat. So I was instantly a mess. I said let’s change. So I pulled out and stood up. I was so out of sorts that I started to cum while she was laying down and I was standing up. It went everywhere. On her, the floor, I was laughing, she was laughing. But I was also mortified. I looked like a clumsy oof and it kind of didn’t finish the way that encounter should have but, she has a great sense of humor so it kind of also worked too. She stayed a bit. I kissed her goodbye and thought… “will my embarrassing finish make her ever want to see me again” all I could do is text her later and hope…

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