Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started

Broken – The Aftermath

The aftermath was hell. Literal hell. Telling my kids was brutal. I told them it was my choice. If they would be angry it was going to be with me. Why, because I could take it, I am not sure my wife could. On top of what was already happening between us, upset kids was the least I could take off her plate.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

The aftermath was hell. Literal hell. Telling my kids was brutal. I told them it was my choice. If they would be angry it was going to be with me. Why, because I could take it, I am not sure my wife could. On top of what was already happening between us, upset kids was the least I could take off her plate. Worse I had to make changes in my life immediately.

I had to start spending time away instead of having the risk of confusing everyone. I tried to start slow. First week I spent a couple nights just out but came home. That first night I was out, Hailey had her kids. I thought about the way she treated me on her first night. She made such a big deal about it. I just went to the movies no fanfare. I just wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. I didn’t mind, she had obligations and her kids come first. Plus I wasn’t in a celebratory state.

But I met Hailey down the street for a quick smooch in the car and missed the first 10 min of the movie. There was still a need for discretion but not as much. I wanted no ire or fury of anyone in our orbits directed at Hailey. She was almost in shock. She couldn’t believe it. I was basically hers. But not so fast. We had to reconcile the last couple months and all the bullshit she put me through. I think she was hoping the slate would be wiped clean.

I even said “my wife is afraid I would be scooped up in 5 minutes.” Hailey said yes I am going to scoop you up in 5 minutes. Which was flattering and showed where her head was at. I told her we need to talk about the last couple months. But I can’t right now. Right now my heart can only take what was happening at home. I had to decouple first I told her I appreciate her excitement but we still had a ways to go.

Hailey seemed to understand. I could feel her underlying excitement. I was less excited because I knew what I was going through at home. Imagine breaking up over and over again. Hearing about what a piece of shit you were. Well I had to take it. I had to let her express her anger. I would defend myself a little but mostly I was just taking shots for hours and hours (seriously 3 to 4 hours per day).

While Hailey was mostly supportive it didn’t take her long to inject some drama. The fact that I didn’t run right into her arms may have surprised her, even upset her. If she was true to me during the time I was at home and she was out I would have leaped into them without looking. But something told me to pause. I wanted to be with her but one thing at a time. First decoupling, then what happened this fall, then we could talk about our future.

She didn’t like it. She questioned me “you are going to want to be single aren’t you?” I intentionally didn’t answer. Being the super empath that is also a justice warrior, accountability and truth needed to happen before I could blindly jump into this. I was not going to be made a fool of. She had questions to answer and I am not the type to let it go. Besides my kids were older than hers except for her oldest. I was going to have a lot more free time on my hands and I thought it wasn’t terrible her to feel a little of what she put me through. Even if just for a moment. I know that may sound awful but honestly she should have thought of that whilst making Tinder comments and probably going out on dates. What goes around comes around. And at that moment I was no longer in preservation mode.

Simultaneously all the fighting at home accelerated things and I needed to start spending nights away. My wife and I just needed the breather. Should I invite Hailey on one of those…?

Broken – It’s Time

It was building I could feel it. It was building for a year and that night I went to bed and I had a panic attack which felt like a heart attack as my wife sought reassurance again. The entire night it never went away I actually contemplated going to the ER.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was building I could feel it. It was building for a year and that night I went to bed and I had a panic attack which felt like a heart attack as my wife sought reassurance again. The entire night it never went away I actually contemplated going to the ER. But I knew what it was… I woke up that morning and just couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore.

I felt it coming and told Hailey about a week prior that I may be off the grid for a bit as I was about to have the most difficult conversation in my life. She gave me space and was supportive. Saying she was there when I needed her. It was nice to know that she would be there after this. But for now I needed less of her in my head. I needed to focus on this conversation and the fall out from it. It was going to be my priority for a little while.

I was working from home that day and my wife had off. As we sat down that morning. I knew it was time and I told her with all the strength I could muster… “I am unhappy beyond the normal. And I have been for a while. A change is going to happen immediately and we should separate, break up. I will be taking some space and we should start talking about a transition and what this means.” My heart nearly burst out of my chest as I said this. I had to choke back the tears so i could be coherent.

I saw the drop in her face and so many emotions. Sadness, fear, anger, and disappointment. I can’t believe I was doing this to her. I even have tears in my eyes as I write this. But I also knew things were never going to change. So I had to push through. I was compassionate and empathetic and told her how much I cared about her and wanted to be present and support her. But it was time to move on.

We talked, yelled and cried non-stop for 4 hours. She recognized the flaws in our marriage, she acknowledged how bad it was. But she thought I would always want to work on it. My response was awful but true. We have been at this almost 20 years that window was gone. I am not there anymore. My heart has broken and the scars are already there.

And this is where I felt guilty the most. I mourned the marriage while in it and she was so far behind me. I put on that brave face for years to keep the sadness away for everyone. My peacekeeper kept her from knowing how truly far gone I was. And that I was so far beyond a point of no return. I always knew though I did it for a reason I did it to buy time for her, for the kids, for me, for all of us. So we could be a happy family just a little while longer.

It was the worst day of my life, and there isn’t another one that’s even close. I know I was making the right decision. Regardless of Hailey. I always told myself and reconciled that I will make this decision for me. And while I had Hailey in mind I had to make it about the possibility of finding myself and love again. I had to say goodbye and hello at the same time. And I knew this was it there was no turning back.

I am not sure my wife will ever forgive me, I honestly don’t blame her if she ever does. I did love her and gave her my whole self longer than I have ever given anyone. For a time we were a pretty awesome team and I will always look fondly back at the good and try to let the bad subside. It’s hard, really hard. While the scars of my marriage have healed, the heartbreak of hurting someone I care about and loved are still very raw…

Broken – Her Birthday

Hailey’s birthday is in the fall and for reasons beyond my understanding she had made a big deal about it. Not that I am against making it a big deal. But considering where we were in life it seemed arbitrary on the actual date vs. making sure we had an opportunity in the not to distant future to celebrate it.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey’s birthday is in the fall and for reasons beyond my understanding she had made a big deal about it. Not that I am against making it a big deal. But considering where we were in life it seemed arbitrary on the actual date vs. making sure we had an opportunity in the not to distant future to celebrate it. I guess that is my grounded nature coming through.

We had spent most of the fall already back and forth between threats of her independence and our love. She asked me to see if I could get out for her Birthday. I knew this wasn’t possible and told her as much, besides I could feel my departure bubbling. I never clued her in on how close I was at this point just in case I wasn’t quite ready. So I never said anything about a date because she would be disappointed if that date came and went.

We were getting close to the peak of her frustration. I did go over and visit her the day before and brought her a gift for her new place and a home made lunch. She was really thankful and cried. James would take her away and buy her expensive jewelry but he never thought about her in the personal way I had. But I wondered no matter what was done was it going to be a disappointment?

I kissed her goodbye and knew it wasn’t going to be the last I heard about her Birthday. She always has this sadness around it. Then the next day I finally get the text I felt was coming. “You know I am mad at you.” Of course I asked why if I didn’t know the answer. “I asked you out”. I knew it would be even silly to try, if I was this close to leaving doing something like this would have only made it painfully obvious what I was up to.

So later she said “I am out alone.” “Swiping right on some guy 2 miles away.” “No picture… is it you?”. I think she had to say this in case it was me. But I said no and nothing else. She pressed me the next day. I said I don’t know what you want me to say. It stings. I said sorry. Here I am apologizing for her being on Tinder. Jesus!

Every time she did this it crushed me a little. I knew in my heart she had been out on dates. But why treat me this way. She already felt entitled to do what she wants. But why make me feel awful? I mean I was either going to be free or not. And clearly she wasn’t really waiting. She would tell me if she went out on a date she felt like she was cheating on me. I told her maybe you should explore that and it’s your feeling not mine. Don’t ask me for my support on this. She even in the course of that fall. Asked me rhetorically “you never want to share me do you?” Ugh. Of course I don’t! I love you!

But even the next evening. “I love you Matt.” “Goodnight.” Then next morning “Good Morning Matt.” She really loved to use my name. To her she liked the directness. She hated when someone said “love ya” or an abbreviated version.

But what is the point of all of this… oh yea- Here she was questioning my love for her but shouldn’t I have been questioning hers?

Broken – Here We Go Again

Hailey was settling in and we were doing pretty well. We had managed to figure out how we could see each other I would go over in the mornings. We would have coffee and fuck. It worked for her she was busy with the kids and her work. Only the nights got rough, those weekend nights where she didn’t have the kids.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey was settling in and we were doing pretty well. We had managed to figure out how we could see each other I would go over in the mornings. We would have coffee and fuck. It worked for her she was busy with the kids and her work. Only the nights got rough, those weekend nights where she didn’t have the kids. I just bit my tongue and gave her space. It was all I could do.

When I would go over we would still be on the lookout for James. She was jumpy and so was I to some extent. She didn’t like confrontation. He could still bring my world to a crashing halt just out of spite. But I was much more ready to be with her.

She started sensing my time might be near and the frustrations with her own patience and my situation. I started getting strange texts from her throughout September. So much up and down.

Daily I love you texts. About 3 or 4 “Actually I am in love.” texts. Then I would start seeing other things even in the same day as the good ones. Like on nights she was alone. “Want to come over?” Almost weekly. Fair enough a little tease still a reminder. But then “Your situation frustrates me.” A few times a week, just ugh. And the dagger to the heart with her responses to my how are you doing texts? “Oh good, swiping right.” At least a half a dozen times. Then this one – “I wish it were that weekend. I am afraid it was just a sweet memory that may never happen again.” Fuck already!!

All this put me in preservation mode with our relationship. I had to suppress any frustration, anger or hurt. I responded as best as I could trying not to make her angry or more frustrated. To the nights of going over “Soon.” I asked her, “how do you want me to respond?”, to the tinder jokes or references. To that final one I told her- “there are many more memories to come. That is my plan.”

I wasn’t necessarily a doormat. I would push back here and there but I wasn’t far from it. I just let her vent it. Without repercussions. I didn’t like this but I attributed it all to her patience at the time. Not really focusing on the totality of it. It was like being on a merry go round for a month and I was dizzy.

I felt I was so close at that moment I just needed to power through. I have a resilience about me an ability to grind that most people don’t have. I am very rarely rattled or visibly stressed and can shoulder quite a bit. I am a Capricorn a true earth sign, INFJ, and an empath. Needling won’t move me I already wanted this but make no mistake even though as it may not be noticeable. It hurts, I notice, and it affects me on some level.

On the other side at this point I was still in a delay mode. I couldn’t let the pressure get to me I had to focus on my plan to make things as easy as I could. I was still in a sensitive spot at home with that big life event that happened just a few months earlier. Things had to be squared away.

I could make other posts about this month but in all honesty this is what it was like. Back and forth every other day or almost in the same day. I am pretty sure it increased my gray hair by 50%. And I had endured over a year of an underlying anxiety that this could blow up on its own. James spilling the beans, Hailey just ending it suddenly… Would that resiliency get me across that line that crossed over from one world to another…?

Broken – Her First Night

It was the end of summer and Hailey had just moved into her new place. It was her first night there. She decided she wanted to be alone. So she arranged for the kids to be at James’s. We were talking through out the day but she was busy.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was the end of summer and Hailey had just moved into her new place. It was her first night there. She decided she wanted to be alone. So she arranged for the kids to be at James’s. We were talking through out the day but she was busy.

She was all over town and back and forth. And I was trying to give her emotional support. For people moving out on their own for the first time after long marriages it is typically the first night alone in a very long time. Plus the significance of it just being you. I understood how emotional this could be for her.

I settled in that night but felt a little uneasy. I wanted to be there for her in every way possible. It was a big moment and I felt so antsy because I wanted to help.

She had finally moved her last piece for the day and set up her bed. She said I am climbing into bed. And I knew what was coming next… “I wish you were here.” So I asked how long are you going to be up? She said about another 20 minutes. I told her “ok I am coming right by.”

I couldn’t believe how bold I was about to be. I just said to my wife I am running to the store I need breakfast. I think I really did. But I needed to run to the store. I hauled ass to the store and got what I needed right away. Then off to Hailey’s. I went up to the front door that she left open for me.

I walked in and she came out of her room in her bathrobe to greet me. She gave me a quick tour and I said let me tuck you in. I laid her on her bed opened her robe and must have had the quickest sex of my life. She needed it, I needed it. And I was so happy I could put her to bed properly. I tucked her in kissed her goodnight. And we said I love you to each other. She later texted “thank you for coming tonight it meant a lot.” She could be so sweet sometimes.

I thought this was what was waiting for me some day and I knew I was going to have to walk over a long stretch of coals to get there. But… dammit… someday… soon?

Broken – The Perfect Night

My family was out of town for the weekend and Hailey and I decided to get together this was the weekend she referred to in the now infamous email. This time I really wanted to show her a good time. We had that sort of regular hangout night that first overnight.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

My family was out of town for the weekend and Hailey and I decided to get together this was the weekend she referred to in the now infamous email. This time I really wanted to show her a good time. We had that sort of regular hangout night that first overnight. This was a chance to celebrate her being out of her marriage and our love.

While there was still that looming issue of her accepting other “invitations” at this point I in our journey I felt like I recaptured Hailey’s heart. I could tell her focus and hope was on me again. And I wanted to show her it was worthwhile to her.

I made reservations and booked a room at a Casino nearby. It was actually nice to drive in the car with her to a place that we would spend time with. Not ducking James. Although we still were but more on that in future posts… We were just cruising there listening to music and talking. It felt real. We arrived at the Casino and promptly checked in. I asked what would you like to do?… Fuck, Gamble, or Drink first. I think we all know which one was coming.

I laid her at the edge of the bed and leaned on top of her. We kissed and I undressed her, then myself. It wasn’t a crazy experience but a good one. I grabbed her legs and hoisted her close to the edge so I could penetrate her while standing with her laying down. This is one of my favorite things ever because the visual is amazing. I would just try slightly different angles and speeds. And yes ladies when you are getting fucked like this watching your tits jiggle is heaven. As always we had plenty of eye contact. We were excited but kind of living in more than just sex- it was a moment. We were almost a couple. When it was time I pulled out and came on her. I was so excited I covered her neck to navel. I also didn’t want her to have to carry me around all night. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a hand towel and wet it (warm water gentleman). Came back and cleaned her up.

We got up and got ready. She wore a stunning black dress and I got dressed up for her as well. We both clean up really nice. We had reservations at one of the places in the casino. We sat down ordered drinks and Hailey of course made chit chat with the waitress in the charming way she can. We both got something the other one wanted to try so we could taste a few different things. We were a team. We had funny dialogue with each other and the waitress. I told her how beautiful she was and she said how handsome I looked.

When dinner was done we walked into the Casino. She had only played once before so I taught her how to play a little video poker and what slots to pick and how they payout. We held hands as we walked. I would let her sit at the machine and stand by her. At one point in the night. I looked at her brought her chin up and she smiled and we may have shared the sexiest kiss in the world just then. I am sure onlookers were like… what the fuck. It was that good. But it was also sweet.

I then gave her some money to play with and she was on the proud side and didn’t want it. I told her she can give me some on the next one. I told her this night was for her. I didn’t mention it but where she was a single mom just moving into a new place I knew money would be tight. I wanted to treat her but tried to do so without damaging her dignity. And I never cared about money in that way anyways.

She was playing and starting to win and I was cheering her on. Then on one spin. It came up big… $500. She looked at me in the most amazing way. She was glowing but understated, almost as if I was making this happen and it was to good to be true. I lived for that look. I could tell what this night and that moment meant to her.

We went back to the room and made love for hours. It was the perfect night I never wanted it to end. She even said it was the best date of her life. I wanted soooo many more just like that night.

Broken – Did she just…?

Hailey came to visit at the office one more time before our planned weekend together. We just went to the cafeteria and got a salad. It was sweet, regular, void of the usual drama that came with out interactions lately good or bad. We were back to just being together and it was nice.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey came to visit at the office one more time before our planned weekend together. We just went to the cafeteria and got a salad. It was sweet, regular, void of the usual drama that came with our interactions lately good or bad. We were back to just being together and it was nice.

We talked about her and I, the kids, her separation and the new place that she was about to move into. What she thought she needed. Mattresses, technology, etc. She found comfort in me. She often said I had a parental like presence.

We started talking about the pitfalls of teenage kids and what was going on at our kids high school (cause of course our oldest’s were in the same grade). Then suddenly she did something I will never forget.

She was talking to me about a rumor she heard about a girl at our kids school. We giggled then she said “let’s see if it is true.” I thought she was just giddy from our conversation and the sex that came before salad. Just a quick bend over against the wall that day.

But she texted her daughter and what I saw next would stick with me in a file this away for later kind of way. She said to her daughter. “do you know this girl?” her daughter said “yes”. Then I watched her pause as if to plan her next message. “Oh ok… is there something going on? Nevermind. No big deal.” Then her daughter incessantly was asking… “What?” “What have you heard?” No response from Hailey and her daughter kept at it… “Just tell me.” This went on for about 10 minutes. And her daughter called. She finally caved and told her daughter what she heard. Rumor was not true.

All I could think about as I watched this exchange was what a funny way to talk to your child. I wasn’t sure at that moment but I thought… did I just witness her manipulate her? It was bizarre. I had never seen this way of communicating with like what I could only describe as a criminal like mind. It seemed innocent enough and at the time I didn’t know what to make other than I didn’t like it.

It made me feel less trusting and I wasn’t sure where this came from and wasn’t exactly sure what I just witnessed. But beyond that kind of underhanded activity it also was a microcosm of our dynamic. So peaceful and perfect and loving suddenly with a side of unnecessary drama. I was relieved for once that it wasn’t aimed at me but it stuck so strongly with me that here I am mentioning it over a year later.

Broken – Reclamation

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was just about a week since the email. Finally we agreed to discuss it in person and work out the logistics. We had already made a plan to spend some time together but that was tenuous, at least to me, until we spoke. I had moved to a new office so she would come to visit me there. As the time approached my stomach was butterflies. How would i react to this conversation?

This new office space was one of those co working spaces but had doors to our offices. She texted she was about to arrive. I waited out on the patio for her. She walked up and she looked good as usual, a summery sun dress. I ushered her to my office. I said “do you want to go first?” She said she understood how I felt and that she was sorry but felt it was important to have some freedom but that she loved me so much. It was difficult to reconcile these two things.

I said I made a decision I still wanted her in my life and was not ready to say good bye. We both talked about the logistics. I said I don’t want to hear about you being on dates. She was surprised. Almost as if I should be supportive of it. I told her this time and a few other times I can support you in anything except you breaking my heart. And in that I will be in self preservation mode. I didn’t understand it at the time but it would have greater significance at some point.

The conversation wasn’t as difficult as i thought. There was always this thing that changed from text to in person. Like our physical presence with each other creates a peace, or at least that is what I felt.

We hadn’t had sex or been intimate in about 6 weeks but I could tell she wanted to be. I had it in the back of my mind that it might be the case. And I remember something a polyamorous person said to me once, about when she would go back to her husband after a date. He would have something called reclamation sex. And I thought if Hailey and I are going to have sex I am going to go that route. The woman never explained that there was any style to this just that she had to have sex with him shortly after seeing someone else. But in my mind if sex was on the table I was going to fuck her within an inch of her life.

We started to kiss and like always sparks flew. I started to run my hands down her body and over her bubble butt that I loved. I squeezed… hard. I hoisted her up underneath her ass as if she was a feather, I had so much adrenaline running through my veins at that point I could have bench pressed a Buick. I placed her back flat on the desk. I pulled up her skirt and went down and attacked her pussy with my tongue and lips. Pleasure was only second on my mind. I was making sure she knew whose it was. I was forceful but not rough. I sucked on her clit like I was angry with it. She moaned and I didn’t care if anyone in the office could hear. I did this til she begged me to fuck her.

As I stood up I slid two fingers in her and griped her down there just to hold her by it. I wanted no interruption on me owning her there. My other hand yanked down my pants as if I had practiced it and then grabbed my already engorged cock and shoved it in. I was not gentle but had no intention to hurt her, just dominate. I was reclaiming her and I was angry about her decision. So I tried to let my natural most primal Dom show through. I looked her in the eye as I would withdraw slow and slam into her fast with all the force I could muster. But I wasn’t satisfied with my control yet. I needed more. I grabbed her throat and squeezed, not hard enough to completely cut off her air but enough to where it was not easy to breathe.

I fucked her relentlessly and didn’t even care if she came or if she had pleasure. I wanted total and utter dominance. I wasn’t going to stop until I saw it in her eyes. Finally when I saw her nearly pass out from less oxygen and just getting pounded I knew it was time to cum. I can cum quite a bit and something about the nature of this encounter I knew I was going to fill her up. When I was about to let go I leaned over her almost missionary while she was on top of the desk. And grabbed a handful of hair and forced her eyes on me. I came so hard and kissed her like life depended upon it as I filled her up. She was spent. I think she even said wow.

During these encounters I feel like it is important to be gentle after. I couldn’t snuggle but I stood her up fixed her dress grabbed her face and kissed her. And asked would you like some lunch? She said no I am meeting my friend. I said ok. We sat down and talked for a bit then we said good bye.

I got a text from her later with a selfie with her and her friend at lunch. And the funniest thing ever texted to me… “Um ya we had lunch on the patio and I got up and you came flying out of me in front of my friend.” (She never wore panties). We laughed we had the same sense of humor.

I have never used sex to my advantage in my life until that day. I have never unleashed my full primal up to that point. And it felt good. It would be difficult to replicate because of the heightened emotion because there was all the angst of a Punk Rock song in that moment. But would this keep Hailey close…?

Broken – Love Sick

Hailey were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey and I were thousands of miles apart but it may have been millions. She was on her vacation I was on mine. She had her kids. We would talk everyday. She would be in and out of being like old times and then totally different. I knew a change was coming but I just didn’t know what.

One moment she would even say “I love you”. The next was “things are different”. I just had no idea what was going through her mind and she could not articulate it. This would go on for the better part of a month.

I was absolutely torn up. I was in love just a minute ago. WTF! I would always be honest with her about my feelings. Even if it seemed desperate. But I didn’t overwhelm her with them either. I wanted to listen to see if we could work through this. So I treaded carefully.

I would have to be emotionally supportive. She is going through a separation and she was homeless. Although part of me wanted to say “you chose this”. You forced this. But it felt insensitive. Finally after my trip from hell and her long bout with vaca the first just her and the kids and her second one with James and the kids we would finally be in the same space at the same time.

She offered to meet to talk. I told her I was love sick. But she came with an agenda. I was married and she was single. She would do whatever she wanted and that was that. I could chose to still see her but had to accept it. My first inclination was to say no. We were in love. Can’t you just wait a little? I mustered a let’s think about it. We texted later that night. And I can’t remember what I said but it pissed her off and she went silent on me I then knew it was her way or the highway.

After a few days of damage control we managed to tamp things down a bit and she sent me an email because she thought she needed to write it out in order to articulate.

So there is a lot here.  First, James has said many things to me in regards to me “convincing” him he should pick me or we should be together, and therefore fuck me for now choosing otherwise.  I have the weight of your marriage on me, I want to see you, I would like to see you.  Not seeing you can be annoying.  But if you hurry along in fear of my patience wearing out, and then I’m like, “nah, we’re not going to work” then fuck me for hurrying you along.

Then, there is this, I like you so much, you seem quite perfect for me except for the fact that you are opposite of what/who I am normally drawn to.  This makes me sigh with relief at times and other times I panic like, it’s because you are opposite of everyone who has broken my heart but does that work long term. If someone told me, i really like you but I need to see other people to make sure, I’d be like fuck off shit head. 

And I’m not sure that’s really why I want or think I need to but something in me is saying don’t commit to anything til you can take a breath.  I know you’re not asking for commitment and you are not even separated but still I think this is the time to accept an invitation if presented with one,  but don’t worry, it’s not happened for months.  Maybe this stems from a declined invitation, I kind of wish I’d accepted just because I haven’t had one for a long time.  How am I doing?  I love you, I like you, I enjoy you, even the bits of you that make me roll my eyes are endearing.  We have good chemistry.  I’m looking forward to next weekend.  xo

How is that for a mixed message?

Broken – My Journey

I know I write mostly about Hailey and I, even Hailey and James. Mostly because that was such a big part of the story. I know for some there seems to be this critical piece that was missing. Home life.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I know I write mostly about Hailey and I, even Hailey and James. Mostly because that was such a big part of the story. I know for some there seems to be this critical piece that was missing. Home life.

After all this time I am still fiercely protective. I feel like myself, Hailey and James have done enough, terrible and not, to deserve judgement but not my wife. While not innocent in our marital demise. She certainly didn’t deserve this anymore than I deserved her initial abandonment of a romantic relationship with her husband.

The truth on why I could do this without being detected was mostly that any romantic part was dead, we were on auto pilot. I didn’t have to withdraw from anything. Family was easy to compartmentalize in this space because that is all there was. And I was enthusiastic about the kids and even coparenting we made such a good team. So I never had to alter really anything.

But it definitely ate away at me, all I could think about was how can I live this lie at home. Also, even selfishly, do I have to sacrifice myself as a romantic and sexual being for it. And that was only one aspect of how our marriage was broken. The truth is I had this realization before Hailey even came into the picture.

I had fallen on hard times and had an opportunity that would not only benefit me but the entire family. All that was needed was a small sacrifice in our week to week routine. And it was met with a HARD No. Immediate impasse. I realized I had no choices for myself. Nothing was left for me. It was a difficult realization to make. Probably at the worst time considering my mid-life crisis years were upcoming. But this moment there was the change in me. The straw that broke the Camels back. Within weeks I made the decision that led to Hailey. Probably not the best way to deal with what happened. It seems like a leap to go to seeking intimacy and attention from having a terrible realization about no control. But it made sense to me. Does someone else value me more than just a provider am I an attractive human being that could be loved someday for just being me. Man did that get away from me.

Unwinding almost 20 years of marriage would take time and it would even take a little more than I thought. My plan was always to see through the summer Hailey became single and then it would be time. But it was about a year before that my wife detected a shift and confronted me on it. It really wasn’t about Hailey it was too new. It was about that moment I mentioned before- a lost opportunity and how upset and hurt I was I couldn’t take it. I explained how it affected me and all the other troubles in our marriage. And we fought like we never have. It was almost then that we split but I wasn’t ready yet. And repaired a little of the damage done. I know I said I made two selfish choices in the last 20 years and maybe a third was not to break up, but I just don’t know. It would would have been so sudden. And I hadn’t thought through it very much at that point. But also I couldn’t bare to break my wife’s heart.

I anticipated a second discussion. One that had her saying nothing has changed in a year. Because at some point she was looking for engagement. She was seeking and watching me to see if I would ‘try’ again in a romantic sense. And I expected that discussion to occur at the same time as it did one year prior. But something happened, a big life event, and that conversation wasn’t forthcoming. I knew this would delay things a bit and I would have to do the worst case scenario… Initiate this process. It would cause me to lose many nights of sleep and even have anxiety attacks. But in the end it had to be done.

See my wife and I were steady as she goes people. We don’t vacillate like Hailey and James do. A decision is made and likely an outcome is shortly to follow. We were doers not talkers. So I know when I told her I was no longer happy and wanted out it would move fast to our new reality. It would not be messy relatively to most people.

I always knew when it was time I would know. Even through all this I had belief in myself to make the right decision at the right time and try to make it as relatively easy for everyone. I was going to take a leap of faith and it would be soon it was just a matter of how soon.

I hope this helps fill the gaps on my mindset regarding family. I tried to share what I can about this. And it’s all my perspective. I loved them and at the end of the day I had a choice to just be honest and do what I should have done in the first place before getting involved with someone else. And didn’t and I own that. It’s not the decision I would make again and there are certainly aspects where I have some guilt and shame with it, but I would never go as far to say I regret it.

It’s heartbreaking on so many levels and not just for me. It put me on a path, one that I need to be on and sometimes these paths are initially treacherous but sometimes they are the ones that need to be taken to get to where we need to be…

HG Tudor - Knowing The Narcissist - The World's No.1 Resource About Narcissism

Know everything about narcissists from the world's no.1 source. A narcissist himself.

The Hot Goddess

Reimagining Midlife. Change Your Life to an Authentic Life Over 50

Onward & Upward

A blog about life, about moments that we all go through in life, but find away through.

Jaycee Dean

Power in words

The Quiet Storm

Buyer beware it's never all rated PG!!!!

Praying for Eyebrowz

Doing the best I can with what I have

Corrupting Mrs Jones

Often unfiltered thoughts.

Mitch Teemley

The Power of Story

A Season in my life

Surviving midlife with grace and dignity. And a little humor.

Hearts and Minds

Why choose.. lets go with both

My Journey by Grace

God giving me to share time & space

Almost Iowa

Where irrationality trumps reason

Chocolate Cocaine

Eroticism, Intimacy, Sex, Erotic Poetry, Erotic, Writer, Author, Spoken Word, Erotic Spoken Word, Erotic Artist, Sensuality, Erotic Artists Unite, Karma Eve, Chocolate Cocaine

Writer of Words etc

Words, mostly

Olivia

...the journey continues

In Between Days

The musings of a 40 something who is still waiting on her happy ending and hoping he shows up a little disheveled and road-weary.

Wandering Explorer Travel

Thoughts & Memories of a Traveler at Heart

slave shae

My Submissive Journey in a Life of D/s Slavery

Raise Your Feathers

Your Mind, Your Story and You

Be Inspired..!!

Listen to your inner self..it has all the answers..

Hopelessly Hopeless

Romance isn’t dead. It’s just overrated.

an inferior slut

18+ only | nsfw

Olivia Lucie Blake

Musings of a Millennial. Life, The World and Everything In Between.

Lillith Avir

D/s... mostly