Broken – Thought Energy

I feel like this is one of the most underrated aspects of life sometimes. It is discounted in personal life, work life, and maybe even relationship life. Thought energy can be both good and bad.

I feel like this is one of the most underrated aspects of life sometimes. It is discounted in personal life, work life, and maybe even relationship life. Thought energy can be both good and bad.

Probably referred commonly as mindfulness lately, but I feel like that discounts the energy spent. The toll it can take. The unaccounted for time and energy that may get overlooked. If you have project, client, patient, etc. at work that requires thought energy but a full calendar, how can you be at your best? And then you take it home with you to the expense of personal things. In alot of cases you might be working 70 hours a week and not realize it.

The same can be true the other way. Work isn’t getting what you want to give because something else has taken up your thoughts. This is certainly true for work with me recently. So I tried to gravitate towards work that I could focus on in short windows then deliver and be done with it. Or else I would have never got through the last 18 months.

My writing has also slowed because my thought energy is in other places. It isn’t in breaking free from the past as much as it is looking forward to the future or just being present.

Was all that thought energy spent breaking free wasted time or effort? Not sure. I don’t think so. Breaking free from the past is what allowed me to be present. Where do we allow in our lives for a transient state? Or was that really just my present at the time and ignoring it would have been a detriment.

I had to resolve things even if it took longer than I wanted it to. Otherwise you are just burying feelings that will surface eventually. I invested heavily in getting past Hailey and it required me to fully understand what happened to me. What was going on. Telling my story was cathartic but also painful. It took up alot of my thought time.

I punched myself out at times. But I feel like I am coming out of this in an extremely healthy way. I didn’t force relationships or look at external validation. I was trying to resolve the problem inwardly. Something I feel like grieving people tend not to do. And that isn’t a criticism…

There is a tremendous amount of pain associated with that. Remember when a person is involved with a narcissist or a toxic person they don’t allow a healthy transition for the other person. So it is done almost entirely on the victim’s own. They not only need to recover from the normal feelings. But add on the confusion of no closure and then the discovery of the emotional abuse.

I had to heal from a broken heart, confusion, and emotional abuse during this time. If I had not it would still be impacting me. Being mindful of it and spending that thought energy was good. We so often say “don’t give that person the time of day, they don’t deserve it.” it’s only partially true. They don’t deserve the time but you do. You deserve to talk it out, heal, figure things out.

You will always carry that pain with you. But you can make a choice is it going to be a scar or a open wound. Give people a break when they ruminate or want to talk about it even though it feels endless. It means they are trying to process and possibly put it behind them.

Jennifer fell back into the trap and would stop talking about Gregg. She would stop being mindful of their situation and choose to go with the flow. And there she is back in her toxic relationship because she went back to ignoring the very things that made it toxic to begin with. She never came out of the other side of that horrifically dark tunnel and my heart aches for her. She is one more year down the road and exactly where she was when she started. That could be me.

There is alot of advice out there about dealing with toxic people, narcissist and even heartbreak. But the truth is not everyone’s recovery is paint by numbers even if they have to go through similar stages. But I feel like I did what I needed to do. And thankfully I had a friend like Darcey to help listen. I probably owe her like 75k in therapy but shhhh… 🙂

Broken – Perspective

Let’s talk about perspective for a moment. Especially in regards to Hailey’s continued attempt at abuse or manipulations to try to stay in my life. Let’s start with a fact based reality…

Let’s talk about perspective for a moment. Especially in regards to Hailey’s continued attempt at abuse or manipulations to try to stay in my life. Let’s start with a fact based reality…

  • She left her husband to be with me and date
  • She left me to sleep with some guy
  • She got back together with me, she then went back to her husband, then came back to me, then to her new guy. In one calendar year.
  • She has left her husband 3 times in 2 years.
  • She has left me 3 times in 2 years.
  • She has been on the dating sites (all three major ones) wearing my necklace and posting a picture of her that her new guy took all while dating the new guy.
  • She has attempted to continuously approach me and touched me after months of no communication.
  • She moved into my neighborhood.
  • She likely moved her new guy into my neighborhood.
  • She moved out of my neighborhood and either broke up or moved in with new guy

Now if I gave you no context other than I what I meant to her… Someone that she had an affair with, told she loved, and dated after separation. What would you think?

She has the benefit of not carrying all of the above around with her. There is no red letter A on her shirt. So perception works in her favor. Because she can control perception a little bit and that includes her perception of herself. A narcissist knows they are a bad person. They know the shitty things they do. They know the high they get for making someone miserable. But they don’t necessarily know why.

To remedy their shame they gaslight to cover those things up. To alter perspective this includes lying to themselves. They have a strange ability to know deep down inside what they did but also believe they were entitled to do the crappy things they do.

And it is the narcissism that allows them to lie to themselves to alter this perception to create a different reality. They find the areas in between, they keep enough plausibility to create a reality that is comfortable for them. But to what end. And what is she doing for? And what is she ignoring to keep this perspective?

She does it to keep her facade, then to try and get back some control over me, so I can be a useful source of fuel in the future. I know now that I was the best and worst for her. My empathy, who I am, what I look like gave her a rush of fuel. But I was quicker than most men to hold her accountable. She said I was hard on her. I frustrate the fuck out of her yet she is drawn to me like a moth to a flame.

Why does she have a fresh perspective on us? Why does she even think there can be remotely a minimal friendly discourse?

I am going to provide the context that she is ignoring. Let’s start here. She left me 3 times for other men. The first time she asked for space because I disappointed her. (WTF?!) The second time was to go back to the man that hated me. Gross! But she convinced herself and me she did it for her children. The third time was for some guy who she moved in two doors down that she has likely been taking to since 2019 while telling me she loved me and wanted me.

She doesn’t view any of the above as problematic. She doesn’t have the empathy to see how hurtful dating and moving in with a guy two doors down can be. She thinks she is entitled to her happiness and I just should get over it and wish the best for her.

So to her nothing has really happened. She is probably surprised by my reaction when she touched me. And the fact that I ignore her every time we cross paths.

And right now I can feel her lying in wait. She has either broken up or moved in with the new guy. But not 2 doors down. She doesn’t park here anymore. And it is only about once a week I see her. Which is still quite frequently considering.

But she still tries to create opportunities for us to crossover. She is probably frustrated as hell that I haven’t talked to her. Ironically she probably thinks I am being “dramatic” about it all. The lack of empathy keeps her from seeing my side. She only sees… I was just trying to find happiness. It didn’t matter the amount of lives (I am 100% certain her kids and James were affected) she ruins to get it. Which ironically will forever keep you from finding it. If you see the very people you fucked over daily to try and find your new whatever you will never find happiness, narc or not.

This is where I need to be careful. I need to keep my empathy and will for justice or closure in check. Narcissists cannot be alone for long so unless she has lined something up I could be on the menu. From her perspective she is entitled to another try if she wants one.

Before anyone freaks out. I wrote this over a month ago with some edits to make it current. I wanted to bring it up because it’s necessary to show how and why someone would not just “move on”. Shame, what would normally keep someone away, is felt but rejected. Entitlement wins out at the end of the day.

Entitlement is something I have looked at through a new lens. There are many layers to it. I used to think it was just that you thought the world owed you something or for rich and privileged people.

But there are people who generally feel entitled to make you miserable for their own happiness. It isn’t a conscious thought it’s just purely instinct. The amount of abuse this heaps on their victims is staggering.

Combine this with their ability to gaslight and you have a fait accompli. A destined victim even if they escape. I still have to be engaurde for what might come my way, or her kids, or James for that matter. Anyone that has been sucked in and is considered a good source of fuel.

Broken – Still Here

My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.

My life went kind of on fast forward here lately. It hasn’t been pleasant at all. Tons of challenges from everywhere. Ironically less from Hailey. She is almost a memory at this point. She is almost eradicated from my space. Although she does come back about once a week.

Darcey pointed this out… her need to not be forgotten is unlike anything she has ever seen. And that is what it is. A benign hoover to remind me of her existence and a little hit of fuel for her. I wonder what she thinks these days. I am almost certain she is seeing someone else. But I really don’t care. I can walk or go out most nights and breathe easy.

Not that this was about winning but I feel somewhat vindicated. Although I hurt myself badly the other day by continuing to workout past a small injury that I had that turned into a bigger one. But thankfully I avoided disaster but not by much. Work has been so challenging. And separation to divorce is just blah.

Uphill all the way sometimes. These are our character moments. When we constantly get knocked down. But perspective is important. I have to go through this bullshit to get to where I want to go. Sure could I catch a break and not get hurt. Yes. But I look forward to my future still. I have good moments I want those to turn into a longer course.

But I do feeling like I am chasing it. Unsettled. I am not sure if it is the pandemic or that I have been conditioned to feel this way. I am trying to tie up loose ends at work first. Then with family. Then hopefully I can resume some sort of normal future life and make space for other things.

I wrote the above part yesterday figuring not much would have changed to today to post… but just as you think you are out. I was on my run home and I see Hailey in the restaurant we both go to just down the street. Her car was parked in that place I noticed her that very first time. I showered and walked my dog. I walk past that restaurant for the dog walk but figured she is inside and I can walk by outside.

Don’t you know as I already passed the restaurant going out for my walk and then coming around to pass it again on the way back this time on the same side of the street of the restaurant… She stepped outside the restaurant just as I approached. Taking what looked like a fake phone call (half a minute maybe 45 seconds). Seriously WTAF! It really has to be seen to be believed.

I wonder what fantasy she has conjured up in her head about us. And how things unfolded. It is beyond comprehension that she would ever want to be this close to me and not feel an insane amount of guilt. Sometimes I have envy for someone so painfully inward that they can’t see the damage they cause. But alas it’s gross.

Broken and Blocked

I am really blocked lately. No inspiration or whatever to write. I sit in front of a blank page and… nothing. I did have a post that deals with perspective and dating woes but they flowed like chunky spoiled milk.

I am really blocked lately. No inspiration or whatever to write. I sit in front of a blank page and… nothing. I did have a post that deals with perspective and dating woes but they flowed like chunky spoiled milk. There are times when your schedule can be busy and overwhelming and I guess this is one of them. I will get around to the posts soon.

I never wear being overwhelmed visibly… typically. I just lock it all inside take it one thing at a time until I reach the other side of being overwhelmed. I have always been good in these situations, perhaps military training. But make no mistake it effects me. I still feel it. I am exhausted. I still have moments and am vulnerable.

Last night I nearly physically bumped into Hailey. I walked down the street and was going to a dive to have one drink then home. I was so tired. That dive is past her business. Well as I walked across the last crosswalk she was coming to cross the street from the other direction I never saw her until I noticed the walk signal turn on to cross the street. I didn’t push it so I realized someone else had and looked up and she was coming at me. She was heading to her business obviously but ugh.

This is not the best week for that. While she is “gone” from my immediate area she is starting to show up in my space again. While she has a legit reason to go, it was 8:20 at night. Definitely not expected. Twice in 3 days we were within 5 feet of each other. We locked eyes this time. I called Darcey she talked me down I went a little further away for my drink.

I am sad. This feels never ending. But the good news is it ill effects me. There was an ironic twist to all of this I had Chinese food the other night when I ran into her. Fortune swear to god said “the love of your life will unexpectedly appear in front of you”. Haha!! I think it was a warning not a message of encouragement.

Don’t worry I don’t think it’s a sign or anything. Normally this is where I would give you the Ironic video but… nope. I have been listening to this when I get overwhelmed there is a optimistic sadness to it. And it is an unplugged version it’s beautiful. But it goes to show you when someone writes a great song… it’s just a great song and this one has had a resurgence recently and even every kid now knows this song. Take On Me!! Well done AHA… you made a classic another classic.

Broken – Bromance

So I am noodling over a post because I can’t get my thoughts clear on it. So I figured I would reach out whilst twisting it to death. It was a funny I had another elevator/Darcey moment last night.

So I am noodling over a post because I can’t get my thoughts clear on it. So I figured I would reach out whilst twisting it to death. It was a funny I had another elevator/Darcey moment last night.

I went to pick up some new counter stools, because I didn’t like my other ones. By the way… I am basically a girl. Decor matters to me. And not like I am the only guy that it does but I spent at least 2 hours hunting for the right candle tray. Just sayin… But it was a very masculine one… ok! I am also a nurturer by nature. I actually remember telling Darcey I wasn’t “a total vag” when we first started talking and it segued into sex. To which she died laughing and we laugh to this day about. Normally I establish my affinity for feminism before using a term like that.

Anyways enough about me being a girl… I went to a restaurant after to grab a quick bite and talked to Darcey on my way home. I told her about how some guy chatted me up. I said I can’t pick up a woman to save my life, but guys love to talk to me when I am out. What is that? We spoke about running and he was a really good runner in high school. I told him about a run I had recently and how I hit a runner’s high. That only happens like once every 50 runs or so. And we talked about life and the importance of self care. Anyways he said it was one of the best talks he had in a while, thanked me, offered me a shot (I politely declined), Then shook my hand two or three times.

I told most of that to Darcey on my walk home. We laughed. We also talked about eating pussy and then someone nearly ran me down with her car the woman apologized I said “no problem, and thank you.” For letting me cross the street. Darcey was horrified thinking that woman heard me talk about eating pussy. I said no and we laughed some more.

I arrived back at my building grabbed my stools and on the way to the elevator I stopped for this couple to let them on, while holding my box. (trying not to giggle with the box comment after calling myself a vag).

So Darcey goes quiet I ask what floor they are on and I stab the number with the corner of my box (totally giggling). Before the guy could get out “we can get that.” He then said “that looks heavy”. Then said “well you are a big strong guy so I guess not so much.” I said “it’s not that bad, but did arms today so not so good either.”

I wasn’t a half a second off the elevator before Darcey started to tease me about the man love that I just received. She was like “you are such a little whore, why don’t you just advertise you work out.” She couldn’t stop teasing me and laughing at me. She even’t teased me already twice this morning. The bro love I get is funny. The elevator experiences are making me think I should have my own show of elevator snippets.

This isn’t meant to be sad, but I commented last night. I wish I could see myself as the world does. Then we laughed and said I would be even a bigger whore than I am. But truth is maybe I am overly self aware or not self aware enough. Who knows it is something to explore… maybe. I appreciate my humility. I don’t think I am that insecure but maybe just not as forward as I could be.

This isn’t just about meeting women. It’s about meeting people in general. There is an INFJ thing that is such a blocker. Don’t want to burden anyone with their time. Someday I may figure this out, if I don’t I will still be ok but it would be nice.

Broken – Ripple Effects and Patterns

he ripple effects of trauma are a bitch. I had a fight with family last weekend and it hurt me deeply. It is about something I care so much about and fighting a narrative that isn’t true. So it is frustrating on top of it. Conversations are impending but the dust needs to settle.

The ripple effects of trauma are a bitch. I had a fight with family last weekend and it hurt me deeply. It is about something I care so much about and fighting a narrative that isn’t true. So it is frustrating on top of it. Conversations are impending but the dust needs to settle.

It has triggered my trauma sleep pattern though. For the past 7 or 8 months I have been in and out of some pretty severe responses by my body. The one that manifests the most is that I am waking myself out of a sound sleep just as I hit that point. Like that moment in study hall when you realized you were sleeping in a place you shouldn’t.

I do this throughout the night and even when I try to take a nap. My body responds as “you can’t rest you are in trouble” kind of way. I was exhausted by Sunday in and out of sleep. This is basically my body saying it’s in trouble and it should be on alert. My body is telling me a lot of things lately.

So the pattern of Hailey trying like hell to get me to respond only to have her reinstate herself with her guy has gone on it’s 5th or 6th iteration. I saw her while I was walking up my street. That’s right she drove up my street and went to a take out place at the end of it. The place is not really on my street. It is at the top of the block in the middle of two streets. She could have gone one more down. Same distance and easier to park. Nope!!

She was coming out and I was walking. I ignored her. I could feel the energy of her disdain of me not paying attention. She had been hiding her car for 2 weeks then right after that she goes right back to loud and proud. She genuinely sees those as opportunities to bring me back into her fold. And then feels rejected when they don’t go like she anticipates, can you imagine the entitlement. After that she goes right back out in front. This will last for 2 weeks until she sees me again or when the fuel runs stale.

Exhausting. I am desensitized but not unaffected. The good news is I live my life. I am having a good time although Summer Whore Tour has caught up and my body is like “Fuck You”. “You couldn’t drink 3 nights a week when you were in your 20s, what the fuck makes you think you can do it now?” Ok Ok. Sheesh.

This is what it’s like in my head right now. The trouble is I have a hard time just relaxing or sitting still normally. Add on the fight, Hailey, and it being summer I just want to get out. Oh well. I am actually happy it’s Monday. Work, Gym, Laundry. Sounds kind of nice.

Broken – I Almost Forgot

I always thought Hailey manipulations were just for me post discard/escape. It’s hard not to think of it being just about you as I was the focus of them for so long. But last night I remembered something. I am still useful to her. And that sucks. How am I useful?

I always thought Hailey manipulations were just for me post discard/escape. It’s hard not to think of it being just about you as I was the focus of them for so long. But last night I remembered something. I am still useful to her. And that sucks. How am I useful?

She can use me to manipulate new guy. There she was in the restaurant in my building again. Twice in less than a week. Is the food that good? It can be but certainly not for in-person dining twice in less than a week.

It was exactly the same scenario. I was coming from my run and turning the corner there they were. Prominently in roughly the same spot as last time she was there with her friend. They sat inside… that’s strange. It was perfect weather last night. Stay close but keep enough distance. She is good. I only briefly looked. Looked like they were arguing. Then it hit me… “she still needs me.”

I forgot about her manipulating him and her need to triangulate both sides. She used James against me and vice versa for a long time. She made it her first order of business after being away to drive by and walk by again yesterday. Here is the most messed up thing. Darcey and I deduced she can see me on my walk(s) and then makes sure she gets out to cross my path. It’s an impossibility to have seen each other this much since I have varied my walking time all over the place.

Today I changed my route to avoid walking within sight of his building to start my walk. By the time she would notice me I would be gone. That realization felt good. It was good timing as I read a post from another blogger about a narcissist coming back into her life out of nowhere. They never leave it alone. It’s not an obsession as much as their facade is their obsession and you are a part of that facade so they do obsess over you by proxy.

And here is why. The need to try and create the reality that they have lied about or lied to themselves about. Because their facade is built upon it. Which is a mile wide and an inch deep. There is no foundation and can crumble any minute. They really rely on good people to give up or give in and on the “prove me wrong that it is a lie” routine. Essentially breaking down their facade becomes exhausting. Mostly because by the time you figure out their old lie they are onto a new one.

Think about this guy… he is in my building all he has to do is be curious enough to ask the question. He is literally feet from answering any of the questions that I know he has… Because I have had them. If he just goes for it, it is likely over for her. Yet she comes near with him. It’s drama fuel, triangulation, and manipulation. I have to tell you it will be a long time before I would have ex’s in the same space. Yikes!

And even if she wasn’t naturally curious I still represent one half of the most fuel she can have right now. Sitting in that restaurant trying to control me, control him, the power… the significance… the manipulation that she has there is a narcissists dream.

Broken – Escape

It’s the hardest thing to do with a Narcissist. They feel entitled to you forever. But certainly harder when they live so close. The parking games aside I have pretty much moved on but I have these intuitions and feelings that are hard to suppress. I am an analyst. I notice patterns and things. It’s like shutting off like the main engine and running on limited power.

It’s the hardest thing to do with a Narcissist. They feel entitled to you forever. But certainly harder when they live so close. The parking games aside I have pretty much moved on but I have these intuitions and feelings that are hard to suppress. I am an analyst. I notice patterns and things. It’s like shutting off like the main engine and running on limited power.

Because when I actively try to shut it off and she gets anxious, she shows up. I came home from my run the other day and there she was with her friend sitting prominently in the restaurant, in my building. I was not looking for her, I notice everyone that sits in there. It was deflating. I hadn’t seen her face in about 7 days. But I notice when I go that long she makes a harder effort to be near me.

Quite frankly I am surprised by her friend. Darcey pointed out to me at some point she knows that she is creating drama. And why would she want to be a part of it. She knows that I live there, she knows that I am a decent person. Why would you enable the antagonist. It all made kind of sad. Like I just want to be done already. It would be the one restaurant you would never want to set foot in if you were Hailey or her friend that knew what happened.

Anyways I ran into that cute blonde girl the other night while walking my dog. She immediately recognized us. I didn’t recognize her right away. We talked for a bit and I know have her name. And she thanked me for the suggestion of the restaurant said she has been back 3 or 4 times already.

All I can continue to do is just do me. It really hasn’t affected me much until yesterday. Just had a moment of enough already. Tonight I am going out with Darcey. So I will have a good time and shake this out of me.

I read an article the other day it’s about being an empath or trauma survivor or both. It talks about the heightened state of awareness an empath and the similarly trauma part. I have been turned up to 11 since that day Hailey told James that she was having an affair. That was three years ago.

Every time I seem to settle back she reminds me that she isn’t going anywhere. It’s exhausting. Her life and the fallout from the craziness. Rebound time. Though. Beautiful day a long run and fun night ahead. Time to put the latest setback behind.

Broken – Intent

The term actions speak louder than words has always been something that has stuck with me. But I still feel like ‘Intent’ speaks louder than both. People fail with words all the time.

The term actions speak louder than words has always been something that has stuck with me. But I still feel like ‘Intent’ speaks louder than both. People fail with words all the time. They even execute poorly with actions as we are all flawed. But intent is pure. There is no execution with intent. It’s what motivates us to act or speak.

The narcissist is a master of hiding their intent. They mask it all kinds of different ways. Sometimes it’s thinly veiled because they want you to see something but not everything. Sometimes it’s opaque so you never can guess.

But the reason they mask it is because their intent is anything but pure. They also do it so they can’t be held accountable. Everything is your fault. “You misread me.” “That’s not what I meant.” “I don’t remember it that way.” See the game is to give themselves any available outcome.

They need that room to continuously gaslight and rewrite history. Unless you are extremely close to one you probably would never notice. You just feel like something is a little “off”.

Plus intent is nearly impossible to prove for their victims. How does one know what is in their head and hearts. Even though, trust me, we do. And it’s nothing good.

I love using Trump examples because they are so obvious and everyone can connect with them. One of his famous moments like this was “There were fine people, on both sides.” This was his statement after an innocent woman protesting was killed in Charlottesville. That protest was solely against white supremacy. Those opposing are clinging to white supremacy. Both sides? Huh? What were the sides he was talking about… no clarification. Where you talking about the white supremacists? No clarification. More gaslighting.

The press scrambled to get clarification from him, his staff anyone… What did he mean by that? Is he saying what we think he is saying? Then they rushed to other politicians for reactions to this statement. But to this day we never had clarification on what he truly meant. We all had to make our own version of it.

Why because he masked his intent. He used words that could be parsed and he would change the narrative little by little. To continue to mask his intent. But he never ever clarified. And he was never held accountable for saying something like that. Why because the people who aren’t buying his BS were like “are you fucking kidding me?” The others who were buying it “well he didn’t really mean it that way.” No consensus.

It was his way of saying a woman died that is tragic because he is supposed to say that. Even though he could give a shit. Then his ego wants to keep the admiration of those white supremacists so he says something twice removed from “I like you if you like me” most called it a wink and a nod. And it’s true it was. But what was the intent does he really like them? The answer is no he doesn’t, he doesn’t really like anyone.

But his narcissism really likes their loyalty and admiration from them. And he offered a sliver of it back to them. A 1/1000th of a return so they will continue to be loyal to him. So he still couldn’t betray his ego in order to condemn what he knows is wrong.

But by using a clever phrase he left himself just enough room to say that’s not what I meant so he could appease those who needed cover (mostly Republican law makers) and then say more or similar phrases to reinforce his original statement to the likes of the Proud Boys. So months and years later everyone is still guessing what he meant. He even doubled down at some point by saying “Stand back and Stand by”. Another phrase the press had to try to pin down and couldn’t.

Now the rest of us moved on with our lives at some point. While he continued to be President despite having said some of the most awful things anyone has ever said from that office. But could deny he meant it because it was masked.

Imagine a person in a relationship with someone like this. Never knowing the intentions of that person. Hearing these phrases almost daily wondering how they truly feel. And them playing a game with that because truth be told they never know how they truly feel either. But what their true intent is, is to protect the ego and to continue to assert control and extract fuel. That is always the real intent.

So when the press scrambled to figure out what he meant. He had already achieved his goal. He had control over the issue, over his fans, and over his haters. The love from the people who he said were fine and the vitriol from the left and his haters. Mission accomplished.

But when it’s someone doing this personally as you are the constituency of one it becomes harmful, hurtful and most of all abusive. And here is the thing because of these clever phrases it continues to allow them to have plausible deniability and mask that evil while they rip your soul to shreds.

My love of music has been having me flag some songs that I believe are about a narcissist. And this one is from Bruno Mars called Grenade. Maybe I will break this song and others down in a future post. I am going to leave you with just a few random lyrics from the song…

Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all, but you never give

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did

Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

So he basically described the self centered jekyll and hyde nature of a narcissist. Lack of empathy, entitlement, and especially the uneven giving/taking are all present. But he even took it once step further in the final chorus he adds “still”. Not present in the other choruses. And even in a song probably unaware of what he is describing. He gives the full cycle of Narcissistic abuse including the addiction after being treated like trash. –

But darling, I’d still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

And in the video he is pulling a piano uphill trying to climb out of a dark tunnel carrying the weight of everything with him just to get to her only to catch her with another man. And that my friends is what it is like being and even exiting a relationship with these people. Whether it was his intent to capture all of it or use the piano for that specific metaphor it works perfectly. Well done Bruno.

Broken – Sex Club

Figured I just would out it right off the bat. That’s right Darcey and I went to a sex club. I am going off the rails this summer. But truth be told it was a nice experience even if I was a little nervous and not really ready for it.

Figured I just would out it right off the bat. That’s right Darcey and I went to a sex club. I am going off the rails this summer. But truth be told it was a nice experience even if I was a little nervous and not really ready for it.

The place was nice, well kept and had a night club feel. Other than you know the rooms for sex that were well attended to and the fact you could have sex right in the open oh and the people dressed like they were at a sex club… it was like any other night club.

We had no expectations going in to the evening. We had thought about the fact that we might have sex with relatively perfect strangers but were not obligated to. And everyone there is nice. You need consent even if you had previous consent again if you went back for seconds or thirds you needed to ask each time. lol.

The thing is now that we have gone to a couple of different experiences Darcey and I are in no mans land with matching up with others in this world. We are too young for most of the crowd and then the left over pieces we are a little older than. You are either 50+ and comfortable with everything or young and brave people.

There were only couples there that night. Which is typical. The club tries to maintain a balanced male to female ratio. And the easiest way is to limit it to couples. The issue of the night… There were far more attractive women than men there. This actually surprised me. And even though she would have taken one of the team for me. I wasn’t about to subject Darcey to someone she was not attracted to. We are compounded by the fact that we both look 10 years younger than we are… perhaps 15 in that lighting.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I was not quite ready for a full experience quite yet. As I watched a woman get fingered by a man while in his lap right in front of me. She was sexy and wore pretty much nothing but a skirt. But they were also a little full of themselves. Exhibition aside you could tell they liked themselves a little too much. But realized I am a little behind the curve.

We danced a little I watched a girl give a guy a bj then get bent over on the dance floor. It got relatively wild at some point. But as much as I was not ready I was comfortable in that environment. Nothing made me blush or freak out. Including the girl in rope suspension or even when I noticed one guy getting pegged and spanked by his Domme in a corner.

I realized a bunch of things that night… like voyeurism turns me on not at all. I never got excited watching someone else in any activity. So just by being there I was learning something. I also studied the environment and realized when everyone likes to play. How things happen. But for the most part very few people played with someone they didn’t come with. Surprising but they have only been open a few weeks since being shut down by the pandemic. I think people are just trying to get their footing back socializing. Even the pervs and kinksters.

For introverts like Darcey and I, it was already hard. Being out of practice for settings like this it is going to take some time.

I also realized there are three big ifs regarding my willingness to fully participate… 1. If we see a couple or single girl we are attracted to and 2. if we connect with them and 3. if I have the right amount of lack of sobriety or lowered inhibition I will participate.

The problem was none of those ifs were happening that night. As number 3 can affect numbers 1 and 2 that ‘if’ was crushed by the fact that we waited at the door for a long time.

This was terrible for me. The anticipation and hallway lighting and lack of atmosphere sobered me up fast. It took far too long to get back any buzz or level of intoxication that lowered my inhibitions. Typically I don’t need much but the timing was off for liquid, or another form of enhanced courage, to help us break that initial ice.

We spent most of the evening observing but had a great time. Towards the end of the night we decided to go to a room and have sex with each other. We left the curtain open and let people watch us, my idea. This I did not mind at all. Not sure if I was turned on because at that point I was soooo tired and finally drunk so it was kind of a blur. But we put on a decent show. And some people enjoyed it. It was a great way to kind of break the ice for it without going beyond my comfort zone.

I do want to go back again. More prepared and a little less nervous and anticipating. After all it really is nothing more than a night club where you won’t get arrested for having sex. And they provide as clean and safe an experience for you to have those experiences. Kudos to those who run it. At no time did I feel like it was seedy or gross or anything less than a place I could go to and feel like it was ok for me to be there. Everyone even had to have a vaccination card to get in.

I swore off night clubs in my 20’s tired of the testosterone and toxic masculinity that comes with the territory. This was anything but. Just mature adults looking to have a good time. It was refreshing actually and way more than interesting and happy and proud of myself for going.