Broken – What Now?

These last couple of years I have lived a lifetime of events. Most of it causing uncertainty in my life. I have dealt with loss that I thought was unimaginable. Love, life, and family. It has all occurred in one compacted time frame.

I know life isn’t just happening to me but it’s hard not to feel like the universe doesn’t share signs or something. And I feel like I am stacking up the, things that you haven’t dealt with in life, backlog.

I just found out my father passed away. I am not sure how to feel about it. I am still processing it. My parents were separated when I was nearly 5. He meandered in and out of my life until I was about 17 last spoke to him in my late 20’s. There wasn’t much of a relationship there as there was potential. He was good with kids, a flawed human being, but I am not sure he wasn’t well intentioned.

But I know my early trauma’s come from him. I remember the 6 yr old me waiting by the window for my Dad only to never have him show. It was hard. That feeling of abandonment even when he lived so close. He married, by all means, a lunatic. She no question has a mental illness and I am not even sure what kind. She has manipulated, harassed my mother, and assaulted my sister more than once.

I know how difficult this was for my father. He was having to choose between a psychopath and his kids. But the kicker was they had kids as well. He chose the path of least resistance. And my sister and I were on the unfortunate ends of that. She was never going to allow him to have her and us and he made his choice. And that was to stay away.

Over the years I suspect he was overcome with shame and just could never take accountability for his part. It was probably too much. So I think that was when he decided to detach completely. My sister tried one more time only to have a bizarre and kind of horrifying closure like end to it. With him flat out saying “no” I am not interested in you guys anymore.

There are fascinating parallels between my father and what Hailey did to me. The overpromise and underdeliver aspect was there. The being so close and feeling so rejected and having it in your face type of thing. The craziness and drama associated with their lives. Her causing her own and my father’s supplied but what I can only assume is his own Hailey. This is all surfacing fundamental feelings I have towards relationships.

It’s tough as parents and adults though to justify what my father chose. Any person coming into my life who tried to keep from my kids would be immediately dismissed.

I had made peace with all of this years ago. He just became a face of the past. Someone that came into then out of my life. I carry his name but not much more. But now there is a finality to it. It’s forcing me to re-reconcile all of those feelings again. It’s hard. It’s certainly not as painful but it also reminds me of my current situation as well. And while I didn’t lose someone close to me. It is an event that forces me to revisit those scars.

I wrote this and was just about to publish as something came up. And that something was being left out of the obituary. One last hurtful and classless act by his wife. Another example of trying to write us out of his life. So strange as it reminds me of Hailey’s final letter. Trying to create a narrative to hide your shame. It’s awful. These people know how to hurt.

One more final scar and it’s a reminder of high functioning emotionally abusive people. They will get away with it for the most part because no one is willing to call it out. My poor mother, she had to try and manage our need and want to see our father but deal with trying to protect us at the same time. She was in a no-win situation. But someone besides her could have stepped up.

Just a reminder to all of us, be kind to people you may meet today. You have no idea how their day might be going. I am disconnected right now. I am here but more in shell form than anything right now. Although it’s in and out of moments. Just to have to keep on going and process this. It’s more sad as a lost opportunity to have a father than losing one all together.

Broken – Perspective

Let’s talk about perspective for a moment. Especially in regards to Hailey’s continued attempt at abuse or manipulations to try to stay in my life. Let’s start with a fact based reality…

• She left her husband to be with me and date
• She left me to sleep with some guy
• She got back together with me, she then went back to her husband, then came back to me, then to her new guy. In one calendar year.
• She has left her husband 3 times in 2 years.
• She has left me 3 times in 2 years.
• She has been on the dating sites (all three major ones) wearing my necklace and posting a picture of her that her new guy took all while dating the new guy.
• She has attempted to continuously approach me and touched me after months of no communication.
• She moved into my neighborhood.
• She likely moved her new guy into my neighborhood.
• She moved out of my neighborhood and either broke up or moved in with new guy

Now if I gave you no context other than I what I meant to her… Someone that she had an affair with, told she loved, and dated after separation. What would you think?

She has the benefit of not carrying all of the above around with her. There is no red letter A on her shirt. So perception works in her favor. Because she can control perception a little bit and that includes her perception of herself. A narcissist knows they are a bad person. They know the shitty things they do. They know the high they get for making someone miserable. But they don’t necessarily know why.

To remedy their shame they gaslight to cover those things up. To alter perspective this includes lying to themselves. They have a strange ability to know deep down inside what they did but also believe they were entitled to do the crappy things they do.

And it is the narcissism that allows them to lie to themselves to alter this perception to create a different reality. They find the areas in between, they keep enough plausibility to create a reality that is comfortable for them. But to what end. And what is she doing for? And what is she ignoring to keep this perspective?

She does it to keep her facade, then to try and get back some control over me, so I can be a useful source of fuel in the future. I know now that I was the best and worst for her. My empathy, who I am, what I look like gave her a rush of fuel. But I was quicker than most men to hold her accountable. She said I was hard on her. I frustrate the fuck out of her yet she is drawn to me like a moth to a flame.

Why does she have a fresh perspective on us? Why does she even think there can be remotely a minimal friendly discourse?

I am going to provide the context that she is ignoring. Let’s start here. She left me 3 times for other men. The first time she asked for space because I disappointed her. (WTF?!) The second time was to go back to the man that hated me. Gross! But she convinced herself and me she did it for her children. The third time was for some guy who she moved in two doors down that she has likely been taking to since 2019 while telling me she loved me and wanted me.

She doesn’t view any of the above as problematic. She doesn’t have the empathy to see how hurtful dating and moving in with a guy two doors down can be. She thinks she is entitled to her happiness and I just should get over it and wish the best for her.

So to her nothing has really happened. She is probably surprised by my reaction when she touched me. And the fact that I ignore her every time we cross paths.

And right now I can feel her lying in wait. She has either broken up or moved in with the new guy. But not 2 doors down. She doesn’t park here anymore. And it is only about once a week I see her. Which is still quite frequently considering.

But she still tries to create opportunities for us to crossover. She is probably frustrated as hell that I haven’t talked to her. Ironically she probably thinks I am being “dramatic” about it all. The lack of empathy keeps her from seeing my side. She only sees… I was just trying to find happiness. It didn’t matter the amount of lives (I am 100% certain her kids and James were affected) she ruins to get it. Which ironically will forever keep you from finding it. If you see the very people you fucked over daily to try and find your new whatever you will never find happiness, narc or not.

This is where I need to be careful. I need to keep my empathy and will for justice or closure in check. Narcissists cannot be alone for long so unless she has lined something up I could be on the menu. From her perspective she is entitled to another try if she wants one.

Before anyone freaks out. I wrote this over a month ago with some edits to make it current. I wanted to bring it up because it’s necessary to show how and why someone would not just “move on”. Shame, what would normally keep someone away, is felt but rejected. Entitlement wins out at the end of the day.

Entitlement is something I have looked at through a new lens. There are many layers to it. I used to think it was just that you thought the world owed you something or for rich and privileged people.

But there are people who generally feel entitled to make you miserable for their own happiness. It isn’t a conscious thought it’s just purely instinct. The amount of abuse this heaps on their victims is staggering.

Combine this with their ability to gaslight and you have a fait accompli. A destined victim even if they escape. I still have to be engaurde for what might come my way, or her kids, or James for that matter. Anyone that has been sucked in and is considered a good source of fuel.

Broken – Bromance

So I am noodling over a post because I can’t get my thoughts clear on it. So I figured I would reach out whilst twisting it to death. It was a funny I had another elevator/Darcey moment last night.

I went to pick up some new counter stools, because I didn’t like my other ones. By the way… I am basically a girl. Decor matters to me. And not like I am the only guy that it does but I spent at least 2 hours hunting for the right candle tray. Just sayin… But it was a very masculine one… ok! I am also a nurturer by nature. I actually remember telling Darcey I wasn’t “a total vag” when we first started talking and it segued into sex. To which she died laughing and we laugh to this day about. Normally I establish my affinity for feminism before using a term like that.

Anyways enough about me being a girl… I went to a restaurant after to grab a quick bite and talked to Darcey on my way home. I told her about how some guy chatted me up. I said I can’t pick up a woman to save my life, but guys love to talk to me when I am out. What is that? We spoke about running and he was a really good runner in high school. I told him about a run I had recently and how I hit a runner’s high. That only happens like once every 50 runs or so. And we talked about life and the importance of self care. Anyways he said it was one of the best talks he had in a while, thanked me, offered me a shot (I politely declined), Then shook my hand two or three times.

I told most of that to Darcey on my walk home. We laughed. We also talked about eating pussy and then someone nearly ran me down with her car the woman apologized I said “no problem, and thank you.” For letting me cross the street. Darcey was horrified thinking that woman heard me talk about eating pussy. I said no and we laughed some more.

I arrived back at my building grabbed my stools and on the way to the elevator I stopped for this couple to let them on, while holding my box. (trying not to giggle with the box comment after calling myself a vag).

So Darcey goes quiet I ask what floor they are on and I stab the number with the corner of my box (totally giggling). Before the guy could get out “we can get that.” He then said “that looks heavy”. Then said “well you are a big strong guy so I guess not so much.” I said “it’s not that bad, but did arms today so not so good either.”

I wasn’t a half a second off the elevator before Darcey started to tease me about the man love that I just received. She was like “you are such a little whore, why don’t you just advertise you work out.” She couldn’t stop teasing me and laughing at me. She even’t teased me already twice this morning. The bro love I get is funny. The elevator experiences are making me think I should have my own show of elevator snippets.

This isn’t meant to be sad, but I commented last night. I wish I could see myself as the world does. Then we laughed and said I would be even a bigger whore than I am. But truth is maybe I am overly self aware or not self aware enough. Who knows it is something to explore… maybe. I appreciate my humility. I don’t think I am that insecure but maybe just not as forward as I could be.

This isn’t just about meeting women. It’s about meeting people in general. There is an INFJ thing that is such a blocker. Don’t want to burden anyone with their time. Someday I may figure this out, if I don’t I will still be ok but it would be nice.

Broken – I Almost Forgot

I always thought Hailey manipulations were just for me post discard/escape. It’s hard not to think of it being just about you as I was the focus of them for so long. But last night I remembered something. I am still useful to her. And that sucks. How am I useful?

She can use me to manipulate new guy. There she was in the restaurant in my building again. Twice in less than a week. Is the food that good? It can be but certainly not for in-person dining twice in less than a week.

It was exactly the same scenario. I was coming from my run and turning the corner there they were. Prominently in roughly the same spot as last time she was there with her friend. They sat inside… that’s strange. It was perfect weather last night. Stay close but keep enough distance. She is good. I only briefly looked. Looked like they were arguing. Then it hit me… “she still needs me.”

I forgot about her manipulating him and her need to triangulate both sides. She used James against me and vice versa for a long time. She made it her first order of business after being away to drive by and walk by again yesterday. Here is the most messed up thing. Darcey and I deduced she can see me on my walk(s) and then makes sure she gets out to cross my path. It’s an impossibility to have seen each other this much since I have varied my walking time all over the place.

Today I changed my route to avoid walking within sight of his building to start my walk. By the time she would notice me I would be gone. That realization felt good. It was good timing as I read a post from another blogger about a narcissist coming back into her life out of nowhere. They never leave it alone. It’s not an obsession as much as their facade is their obsession and you are a part of that facade so they do obsess over you by proxy.

And here is why. The need to try and create the reality that they have lied about or lied to themselves about. Because their facade is built upon it. Which is a mile wide and an inch deep. There is no foundation and can crumble any minute. They really rely on good people to give up or give in and on the “prove me wrong that it is a lie” routine. Essentially breaking down their facade becomes exhausting. Mostly because by the time you figure out their old lie they are onto a new one.

Think about this guy… he is in my building all he has to do is be curious enough to ask the question. He is literally feet from answering any of the questions that I know he has… Because I have had them. If he just goes for it, it is likely over for her. Yet she comes near with him. It’s drama fuel, triangulation, and manipulation. I have to tell you it will be a long time before I would have ex’s in the same space. Yikes!

And even if she wasn’t naturally curious I still represent one half of the most fuel she can have right now. Sitting in that restaurant trying to control me, control him, the power… the significance… the manipulation that she has there is a narcissists dream.

Broken – Intent

The term actions speak louder than words has always been something that has stuck with me. But I still feel like ‘Intent’ speaks louder than both. People fail with words all the time. They even execute poorly with actions as we are all flawed. But intent is pure. There is no execution with intent. It’s what motivates us to act or speak.

The narcissist is a master of hiding their intent. They mask it all kinds of different ways. Sometimes it’s thinly veiled because they want you to see something but not everything. Sometimes it’s opaque so you never can guess.

But the reason they mask it is because their intent is anything but pure. They also do it so they can’t be held accountable. Everything is your fault. “You misread me.” “That’s not what I meant.” “I don’t remember it that way.” See the game is to give themselves any available outcome.

They need that room to continuously gaslight and rewrite history. Unless you are extremely close to one you probably would never notice. You just feel like something is a little “off”.

Plus intent is nearly impossible to prove for their victims. How does one know what is in their head and hearts. Even though, trust me, we do. And it’s nothing good.

I love using Trump examples because they are so obvious and everyone can connect with them. One of his famous moments like this was “There were fine people, on both sides.” This was his statement after an innocent woman protesting was killed in Charlottesville. That protest was solely against white supremacy. Those opposing are clinging to white supremacy. Both sides? Huh? What were the sides he was talking about… no clarification. Where you talking about the white supremacists? No clarification. More gaslighting.

The press scrambled to get clarification from him, his staff anyone… What did he mean by that? Is he saying what we think he is saying? Then they rushed to other politicians for reactions to this statement. But to this day we never had clarification on what he truly meant. We all had to make our own version of it.

Why because he masked his intent. He used words that could be parsed and he would change the narrative little by little. To continue to mask his intent. But he never ever clarified. And he was never held accountable for saying something like that. Why because the people who aren’t buying his BS were like “are you fucking kidding me?” The others who were buying it “well he didn’t really mean it that way.” No consensus.

It was his way of saying a woman died that is tragic because he is supposed to say that. Even though he could give a shit. Then his ego wants to keep the admiration of those white supremacists so he says something twice removed from “I like you if you like me” most called it a wink and a nod. And it’s true it was. But what was the intent does he really like them? The answer is no he doesn’t, he doesn’t really like anyone.

But his narcissism really likes their loyalty and admiration from them. And he offered a sliver of it back to them. A 1/1000th of a return so they will continue to be loyal to him. So he still couldn’t betray his ego in order to condemn what he knows is wrong.

But by using a clever phrase he left himself just enough room to say that’s not what I meant so he could appease those who needed cover (mostly Republican law makers) and then say more or similar phrases to reinforce his original statement to the likes of the Proud Boys. So months and years later everyone is still guessing what he meant. He even doubled down at some point by saying “Stand back and Stand by”. Another phrase the press had to try to pin down and couldn’t.

Now the rest of us moved on with our lives at some point. While he continued to be President despite having said some of the most awful things anyone has ever said from that office. But could deny he meant it because it was masked.

Imagine a person in a relationship with someone like this. Never knowing the intentions of that person. Hearing these phrases almost daily wondering how they truly feel. And them playing a game with that because truth be told they never know how they truly feel either. But what their true intent is, is to protect the ego and to continue to assert control and extract fuel. That is always the real intent.

So when the press scrambled to figure out what he meant. He had already achieved his goal. He had control over the issue, over his fans, and over his haters. The love from the people who he said were fine and the vitriol from the left and his haters. Mission accomplished.

But when it’s someone doing this personally as you are the constituency of one it becomes harmful, hurtful and most of all abusive. And here is the thing because of these clever phrases it continues to allow them to have plausible deniability and mask that evil while they rip your soul to shreds.

My love of music has been having me flag some songs that I believe are about a narcissist. And this one is from Bruno Mars called Grenade. Maybe I will break this song and others down in a future post. I am going to leave you with just a few random lyrics from the song…

Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all, but you never give

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did

Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

So he basically described the self centered jekyll and hyde nature of a narcissist. Lack of empathy, entitlement, and especially the uneven giving/taking are all present. But he even took it once step further in the final chorus he adds “still”. Not present in the other choruses. And even in a song probably unaware of what he is describing. He gives the full cycle of Narcissistic abuse including the addiction after being treated like trash. –

But darling, I’d still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

And in the video he is pulling a piano uphill trying to climb out of a dark tunnel carrying the weight of everything with him just to get to her only to catch her with another man. And that my friends is what it is like being and even exiting a relationship with these people. Whether it was his intent to capture all of it or use the piano for that specific metaphor it works perfectly. Well done Bruno.

Broken – Sex Club

Figured I just would out it right off the bat. That’s right Darcey and I went to a sex club. I am going off the rails this summer. But truth be told it was a nice experience even if I was a little nervous and not really ready for it.

The place was nice, well kept and had a night club feel. Other than you know the rooms for sex that were well attended to and the fact you could have sex right in the open oh and the people dressed like they were at a sex club… it was like any other night club.

We had no expectations going in to the evening. We had thought about the fact that we might have sex with relatively perfect strangers but were not obligated to. And everyone there is nice. You need consent even if you had previous consent again if you went back for seconds or thirds you needed to ask each time. lol.

The thing is now that we have gone to a couple of different experiences Darcey and I are in no mans land with matching up with others in this world. We are too young for most of the crowd and then the left over pieces we are a little older than. You are either 50+ and comfortable with everything or young and brave people.

There were only couples there that night. Which is typical. The club tries to maintain a balanced male to female ratio. And the easiest way is to limit it to couples. The issue of the night… There were far more attractive women than men there. This actually surprised me. And even though she would have taken one of the team for me. I wasn’t about to subject Darcey to someone she was not attracted to. We are compounded by the fact that we both look 10 years younger than we are… perhaps 15 in that lighting.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I was not quite ready for a full experience quite yet. As I watched a woman get fingered by a man while in his lap right in front of me. She was sexy and wore pretty much nothing but a skirt. But they were also a little full of themselves. Exhibition aside you could tell they liked themselves a little too much. But realized I am a little behind the curve.

We danced a little I watched a girl give a guy a bj then get bent over on the dance floor. It got relatively wild at some point. But as much as I was not ready I was comfortable in that environment. Nothing made me blush or freak out. Including the girl in rope suspension or even when I noticed one guy getting pegged and spanked by his Domme in a corner.

I realized a bunch of things that night… like voyeurism turns me on not at all. I never got excited watching someone else in any activity. So just by being there I was learning something. I also studied the environment and realized when everyone likes to play. How things happen. But for the most part very few people played with someone they didn’t come with. Surprising but they have only been open a few weeks since being shut down by the pandemic. I think people are just trying to get their footing back socializing. Even the pervs and kinksters.

For introverts like Darcey and I, it was already hard. Being out of practice for settings like this it is going to take some time.

I also realized there are three big ifs regarding my willingness to fully participate… 1. If we see a couple or single girl we are attracted to and 2. if we connect with them and 3. if I have the right amount of lack of sobriety or lowered inhibition I will participate.

The problem was none of those ifs were happening that night. As number 3 can affect numbers 1 and 2 that ‘if’ was crushed by the fact that we waited at the door for a long time.

This was terrible for me. The anticipation and hallway lighting and lack of atmosphere sobered me up fast. It took far too long to get back any buzz or level of intoxication that lowered my inhibitions. Typically I don’t need much but the timing was off for liquid, or another form of enhanced courage, to help us break that initial ice.

We spent most of the evening observing but had a great time. Towards the end of the night we decided to go to a room and have sex with each other. We left the curtain open and let people watch us, my idea. This I did not mind at all. Not sure if I was turned on because at that point I was soooo tired and finally drunk so it was kind of a blur. But we put on a decent show. And some people enjoyed it. It was a great way to kind of break the ice for it without going beyond my comfort zone.

I do want to go back again. More prepared and a little less nervous and anticipating. After all it really is nothing more than a night club where you won’t get arrested for having sex. And they provide as clean and safe an experience for you to have those experiences. Kudos to those who run it. At no time did I feel like it was seedy or gross or anything less than a place I could go to and feel like it was ok for me to be there. Everyone even had to have a vaccination card to get in.

I swore off night clubs in my 20’s tired of the testosterone and toxic masculinity that comes with the territory. This was anything but. Just mature adults looking to have a good time. It was refreshing actually and way more than interesting and happy and proud of myself for going.

Broken – Fitting In

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I just had a busy week. I went out pretty much every night this week. Had some interesting experiences. Went to a vanilla party at a restaurant with a group from Fetlife. Just curious and was there to meet people. Not sure where that goes as there is some extremeness in the group. But honestly the nicest group of people. I got way too drunk for a Tuesday night.

Then I went to a dive bar the next night to watch the NBA Finals. And met this blended family. The group leader, that’s what I am calling her, came over and chatted me up. She was with her husband so it wasn’t that. But we got to talking and I knew her husbands son, they are remarried. My kid and his were in elementary school together. When I mentioned I had a kid that was graduating high school soon she went crazy. ‘There is no way you have a kid in high school’ she said. Then preceded to tell everyone in her party. It was flattering and embarrassing all at the same time.

Then last night was karaoke night. I need to find a song. But it was good people watching. Darcey and I went and it was fun. That was three nights in a row of drinking. Except I really paced myself and barely drank last night. I also chatted with a Dad friend I know. Both our kids are musicians and we were checking in on each other. He is a total ham and did Lady Gaga. Too funny.

But in all of this an interesting dynamic a conversation occurred. It manifests itself in frustration and essentially it’s about fitting in. I fit in everywhere but I think that also means I fit in nowhere. I can go to a party for kinksters but am I one? Barely. I can hang out with the karoke crowd because I love music and will let loose a little. But am I going to take over the night? (Some girl did a full split behind me and then twerked it out) Ya I am not that. And then the dive bar. The guy and the woman basically were saying we know why we are here… But why are you? And they meant that complimentary.

Since high school this has been my thing. Sometimes I hung out with the headbangers, sometimes the jocks, sometimes the nerds. I was all over the place. I marched to the beat of my own drummer. But this drew some haters. Wish we had that word when I was a kid. I don’t even know why. I was different but not so different. I think the inability to categorize me or to ‘clique’ me frustrated some. Because it may have seemed inauthentic of me to hang around when I didn’t look or be fully vested into that crowd. Who knows.

Truth is I just like the differences in people. I want to talk about music and concerts but also about the football game. Then if there is some sort of nerdesque pop culture thing happening I want to go there. Although as many haters as I had, there were those who liked this about me. But I never truly found a home but I had three close friends I could mostly count on. I was almost always with them during social settings. But every now and then they would exclude me. I am not sure why.

I never cared but and I am not experiencing the hate anymore, but my social circle is small and it’s always been. But I am examining myself. I would like to branch out more but it fights that INFJ aspect of needing deeper connections.

Those reasons in that link are precisely why I find socializing difficult at times. Especially the ones about needing time and not making the first move. I so identify with this-

1. We’d rather not make the first move.

Approach someone first? No way. This can feel next to impossible for the INFJ. We prefer to have people come to us in order to engage. As natural people-pleasers, we never want to make anyone feel “put out” and will go to great lengths to ensure this doesn’t happen. So we simply prefer to watch and learn first. Since the INFJ is very intuitive, observing others’ nonverbal cues and habits allows us to better understand what makes them tick before we approach them.

The issue with the above is this can take forever. Meeting people sometimes can be a fleeting moment and if analysis paralysis kicks in that moment can be gone. I had a surprisingly social week. But why did I feel frustrated or disappointed? I think because no deep connections were formed. Is that necessary though? Maybe it’s not me having trouble fitting in? Or just the expectation or desire for it to manifest into something else? I had a good time each and every night. Even now I am over thinking these experiences. My god self discovery can be exhausting.

Broken – Sleepy

So my battle with sleep has taken an unexpected turn. I went from struggling to get to sleep to struggling to stay awake. What gives? I did change my sleep aid but that shouldn’t impact me so much throughout the day.

I had a thought… is my body finally catching up with the rest of me. Is it finally letting all of it go. Sometimes the mind precedes the body. For a while I was hyper-focused on the damage done by Hailey. Lately it’s a bigger picture thing. It’s about shaping my mindset moving forward.

After a bad marriage and a terrible relationship where is my head and heart at for the future? This is the question that dominates me. Maybe there is peace at arriving here. I am reflective of the damage done by both relationships and what that means to me moving forward.

I have even had thoughts of do I even want a someone special in life. Or do I rove from companion to companion with more of a focus on myself. I do and don’t like being alone. I lean towards wanting a partner. But right now when I get up in the morning… I am the only person that needs to account for my time and what I do during the day. And that is appealing.

But where this leaves me is in a state of uncertainty. And that I don’t like or haven’t been comfortable with. However based on the fact that I was able to sit on the couch last night snuggle with the little princess (dog) and fall asleep tells me something. I am not sure what yet. Perhaps a level of contentment that I haven’t had in a while even with the uncertainty. Sometimes this sleep happens to me but it is usually on a weekend when I am just flat out exhausted from the week.

I will say I am happy with myself for recognizing this change and being self aware to try and give it some meaning and purpose. To want to know what is going on with my mental health. My best guess is that sub consciously I am letting go of my past. I have had quite a few reconciliation dreams lately. And sometimes that person inside needs their voice heard just as much as our conscious self.

I sensed a change coming from a few weeks ago, I think that little relapse fend off and some frustrating moments this past week are actually good for me. It was more of an annoyance than a setback. And maybe that annoyance is me like oh would you just give me a break. Allowing that moment that we all have where we throw up our hands in the air turn around and walk away for good.

This isn’t just about her. I made a change and some progress on the ex-wife front as well. Or at least started something. We will see. I am cautiously optimistic. It is starting to trend in that direction.

Footnote: You can see one of the Frenchie’s eyes are open on the picture. And yes this happens. I never know if she is watching me or just has an eye a little open because of how she is sleeping. It is creepy AF.

Broken – Back to Reality and Day Whatever

I am pretty close to never venturing out and looking for Hailey. It is hard to not to notice when she is close. Which happened to be right in front of my building again yesterday. But it was about 6 days in between seeing her which was great!!

I think that was too much and she decided she would venture closer. It’s sick. Something happened between them yesterday and I am not sure what it was. It is immaterial at this point but the fact that I can see it and sense it from my vantage point demonstrates how terribly close all this is.

The weekend was really good. I had a great time on the whore tour. But it was marred with just awful weather. The town was slightly empty probably because of the Holiday. But we had a great ‘getaway’. I was so drunk Friday night I can barely tell you what happened later that night. But we were out in our little swanky location having great drinks, food, seeing and being seen.

We ate and drank so much I gained about 5lbs. Good thing I can absorb that. Friday was great. We went to a favorite diner of mine for brunch. Then picked up some edilbes. lol. We worked out then went to dinner. Dinner was amazing I got a bone in filet, didn’t even know there was that. And we had a great steak house dinner. So yummy.

Then we headed to the lounge and people watched on Friday night. We were at this lounge for 6 (that’s right) hours. We had some edibles and it was mellow. Not the reaction we wanted but we took one before we had that great meal and then one after. I am not a big on pot but every now and then. It’s funny the high and the drunk cancel each other out a bit. So I drank quite a bit. The table next to use had 3 separate parties come through.

The first was 4 attractive women in their 30’s. One was barely wearing anything. They were there enjoying each others company and it brought a smile to both Darcey and I. The next was a group of 20 something obnoxious girls. Who kept taking selfies. They were dressed for attention. One girl was even wearing lingerie as her outfit. But it was fun to watch. The next group was obnoxious period. Just a group of young privileged kids who were loud. One girl in the group kept flashing that night so I did see some boobs this weekend. Haha.

Before this Darcey said she would be my wingman. I think both of us were too stoned to make “something” happen but she is the best wingman. As she couldn’t whore me out we ended up having sex and I railed her both nights. Just so everyone knows we affectionately call each other whores. Based on my surprising number of dalliances this past year. She even tried to count the number of escapades this weekend. And she might be right I think I did “whore” it up a little. It was a little embarrassing as trying to count it all up proved to be difficult.

I need to detox this week. Lots of running assuming my foot cooperates. Grrrrr. My friend Christy had a relapse with her Narcissist. And hers is going on year 3. They broke up 3 years ago. He made a fake FB account to antagonize her. And made some ridiculous assumption her and I were dating (we never actually met in person). He messaged me on social media as well. I didn’t engage and blocked him. But just ugh. I have my own narcissistic drama. But also seeing the use of social media to trigger their victims just awful.

It’s a reminder of what I am dealing with as well. Darcey and I were discussing this at one point and were noting that it is more dangerous for the female while engaging with Narcissistic men because of the physical dimension. That being said people are less likely to believe me in regards to the abuse. “How could this nice pleasant person abuse you.” It is probably more believable I am stalking Hailey vs. her stalking me. “How could a beautiful woman stalk you?” It barely seems believable. But if you shadowed me for a week you would know.

Anyways. Things are going decently. I have had setbacks with this but for the most part I am on course to break my habit in 21 days. I wanted to detox from any reaction to her but it’s just not possible to get far enough away at this particular time to make that happen.

Broken – Whore Tour

Doing something different here blogging live. Darcy and I are out having some fun. It’s only 7 on a Thursday and we are drinking or drunk at a swanky lounge.

We are discussing sex, life, relationships, and sex… 🤣.

Hope all my readers have a good weekend and maybe even whore it up a little. We deserve this. Especially after all this time I am inside my building walking to get takeout and there is Hailey holding her guys hand walking his dog lingering in front of my building. WTF!

I guess this weekend came just in time. We don’t know where this night will go but hopefully it will be fun.