These last couple of years I have lived a lifetime of events. Most of it causing uncertainty in my life. I have dealt with loss that I thought was unimaginable. Love, life, and family. It has all occurred in one compacted time frame.
I know life isn’t just happening to me but it’s hard not to feel like the universe doesn’t share signs or something. And I feel like I am stacking up the, things that you haven’t dealt with in life, backlog.
I just found out my father passed away. I am not sure how to feel about it. I am still processing it. My parents were separated when I was nearly 5. He meandered in and out of my life until I was about 17 last spoke to him in my late 20’s. There wasn’t much of a relationship there as there was potential. He was good with kids, a flawed human being, but I am not sure he wasn’t well intentioned.
But I know my early trauma’s come from him. I remember the 6 yr old me waiting by the window for my Dad only to never have him show. It was hard. That feeling of abandonment even when he lived so close. He married, by all means, a lunatic. She no question has a mental illness and I am not even sure what kind. She has manipulated, harassed my mother, and assaulted my sister more than once.
I know how difficult this was for my father. He was having to choose between a psychopath and his kids. But the kicker was they had kids as well. He chose the path of least resistance. And my sister and I were on the unfortunate ends of that. She was never going to allow him to have her and us and he made his choice. And that was to stay away.
Over the years I suspect he was overcome with shame and just could never take accountability for his part. It was probably too much. So I think that was when he decided to detach completely. My sister tried one more time only to have a bizarre and kind of horrifying closure like end to it. With him flat out saying “no” I am not interested in you guys anymore.
There are fascinating parallels between my father and what Hailey did to me. The overpromise and underdeliver aspect was there. The being so close and feeling so rejected and having it in your face type of thing. The craziness and drama associated with their lives. Her causing her own and my father’s supplied but what I can only assume is his own Hailey. This is all surfacing fundamental feelings I have towards relationships.
It’s tough as parents and adults though to justify what my father chose. Any person coming into my life who tried to keep from my kids would be immediately dismissed.
I had made peace with all of this years ago. He just became a face of the past. Someone that came into then out of my life. I carry his name but not much more. But now there is a finality to it. It’s forcing me to re-reconcile all of those feelings again. It’s hard. It’s certainly not as painful but it also reminds me of my current situation as well. And while I didn’t lose someone close to me. It is an event that forces me to revisit those scars.
I wrote this and was just about to publish as something came up. And that something was being left out of the obituary. One last hurtful and classless act by his wife. Another example of trying to write us out of his life. So strange as it reminds me of Hailey’s final letter. Trying to create a narrative to hide your shame. It’s awful. These people know how to hurt.
One more final scar and it’s a reminder of high functioning emotionally abusive people. They will get away with it for the most part because no one is willing to call it out. My poor mother, she had to try and manage our need and want to see our father but deal with trying to protect us at the same time. She was in a no-win situation. But someone besides her could have stepped up.
Just a reminder to all of us, be kind to people you may meet today. You have no idea how their day might be going. I am disconnected right now. I am here but more in shell form than anything right now. Although it’s in and out of moments. Just to have to keep on going and process this. It’s more sad as a lost opportunity to have a father than losing one all together.